by M. Lathan
Chapter Three
The news anchor with the fluffy brown bob was rattled. I heard the panic in her flat, newsy voice.
“Again. We have gotten reports that a sixteen-year-old girl from New Haven, Connecticut was taken by what witnesses are calling a witch, just hours ago. Security cameras at St. Catalina Catholic Boarding School reveal a blast of light but not a figure. Authorities say these tapes are of poor quality, and they are working to obtain a better image of the assailant.”
The screen changed to a startling image of my yearbook picture. My heart squeezed painfully. I looked awful, eyes detached and deranged.
I remembered that horrible day vividly. A senior looking for a laugh had startled me on the staircase, and I’d tumbled down to the next floor minutes before I had that picture taken. My mind was on revenge—something Sophia didn’t seem to think had anything to do with magic. The camera caught my evil glare, and it was now broadcasting around the country.
“This is sixteen-year-old Leah Grant. She may also answer to the name Christine. She was last seen wearing light blue pajamas and a burgundy coat. She is said to be around five feet, five inches, with dark brown eyes and hair. She is described as mixed race—possibly half black, half white.”
I rolled my eyes at the possibly part, hearing Whitney in that. She’d gone through many theories of my race since my file classified me as other. I never cared, and she eventually gave up and deemed me an unidentifiable conglomeration.
And now the world knew me as a possibly. The world … knew me. I shivered. My evil face flashed in front of me with the caption: Teen taken by witch. Have our worst fears been realized?
This was beyond terrible. I’d just exposed magic. Sophia. Myself.
I ran down the stairs. Sophia was stretched out on the sofa with a book in her hands, looking like the picture of tranquility.
“I’m a missing person!”
“Naturally, dear.” She turned the page like I hadn’t said anything shocking.
“They think a witch took me!”
“One did.” She looked up from the book and smiled. “I suppose I should’ve been more discrete, but I had to act fast.”
“But, Sophia … humans don’t know we still exist. Isn’t that dangerous?”
She laughed and adjusted a pillow behind her head. “The government is well aware, love. We have a treaty, remember? They only care about those of us who are causing trouble.”
“But I’ve been hiding there, and I almost—”
“Relax, honey. I got there in time, and besides the words of a few frightened teenagers, there will be no proof. And the government is not interested in sweet little girls who happen to find themselves in the wrong environment. You didn’t talk very much to any of the girls, and you didn’t have a boyfriend. That means you didn’t violate the No Contact clause of the treaty. You haven’t done anything wrong. Trust me. Go back to bed.”
But I couldn’t go to bed. I wasn’t a sweet little girl, and a picture that proved it was on the news. I stayed on the sofa in my sitting room, watching my face on the screen as the story looped for hours.
St. Catalina issued a statement saying they wouldn’t rest until I was found and brought home safely. Home? Yeah, right. I’d only been with Sophia for a few hours, and I already felt more at home here. Even though she rescued me for money. At least she was honest about it.
They played the fuzzy security video a billion times. It looked like I’d been enclosed in light. Then it flickered and shut off. When the feed picked up again, I was gone. The camera didn’t pick up Sophia at all. But everyone outside had seen her. I remembered the horrified looks on their faces before they ran.
They even had the late night crew on the story. It was nonstop coverage, like nothing else was going on in the world. This was the opposite of what I wanted to be. Girls on the news are not invisible.
My eyes became too heavy to hold open some time after four AM. I dreamed of hell, being ushered in and given my own room. Even though I hadn’t thought about her much, I felt like Catherine was there. I walked around, unharmed in hell, whispering, “Mom.” I couldn’t find her, so I went back to my room. I lay in bed surrounded by flames that didn’t burn me. It smelled like oranges. Sadistic peace.
The TV was off when I woke up, and I was under a blanket I hadn’t covered myself with. Breakfast was on the table with a glass of orange juice. She’d left a note.
Come down when you’re ready. I have news.
The eggs and bacon were cold. I glanced at the clock. Almost noon. I took the plate and headed down the stairs in search of a microwave.
“Speak,” Sophia said. A dog barked and startled me. “Good. Fetch.” I walked down to the second floor and peered over the banister. A gigantic white dog ran to where Sophia pointed. It brought back a rolled up newspaper. “Wonderful.” She unfolded a blanket and held it out to the dog. “Now shift,” she said.
It leaned on its hind legs. Its white fur faded to toned flesh. Its back paws stretched to feet. His front paws turned to hands, and he grabbed the blanket from Sophia. The chiseled face of a boy replaced the snout. Shifters were not supposed to look like that. In the pictures I’d seen, they had bloody claws on human hands and foam dribbling from their mouths. This one had low cut black hair, and he was handsome and … naked behind a blanket.
“You are exceptionally friendly for a canine shifter, Nathan. Playful, even,” Sophia said.
“Thanks, I guess,” he said then looked up at me. He bucked his eyes. I could tell they were deep green from where I stood frozen and staring. He tightened the blanket around his waist.
“Good morning … well … afternoon, dear,” Sophia said, like a naked boy wasn’t next to her. One that had just been a dog. “You don’t have to eat that. I have lunch waiting in the kitchen for you.”
I nodded and passed the witch and shifter I was told didn’t exist. I spotted the grilled cheese sandwich on the island. I sat where I’d been last night when Sophia turned my world upside down … or right side up. I wasn’t sure yet.
The sound of something purring made me jump. Then something brushed my leg. I looked under the island and a huge cat … no a freaking panther with a shiny black coat crawled from under it.
I screamed and flipped out of the chair. It crawled closer, purring, as I scrambled to my feet. I crashed into Sophia and screamed again.
“Remi,” Sophia said, calmly. “We agreed that you would stay on two legs this morning, didn’t we?” The cat … or person, curled up and loosened something silky from her leg that was tied there.
As she rose to her legs, she draped herself in a black robe. The teenaged girl had jet-black hair against ghostly skin and the strangest ice-blue eyes.
“Sorry for frightening you,” she said, her human voice still a purr. I was too freaked out to speak. Remi strutted out of the kitchen before I could get any words out.
“Are you alright, sweetheart?” Sophia asked. I nodded as my heart settled from the shock of seeing a panther in the kitchen.
She straightened the chair for me and patted the seat. I sat down and nibbled on the sandwich.
“That was my news. I brought you some roommates, or maybe I should say … bought.” She giggled but stopped when I didn’t join in. “Your generous contribution allowed me to rescue a couple of teenagers in need. They’re all around your age or a few years older. That was Remi. She’s a shifter. Panther. You saw Nathan. There is also a witch here. Her name is Emma. I’ve known her since she was two years old. You’re going to love her. And … this doesn’t technically count as a rescue, but my grandson, Paul, has come for a change of scenery. Honestly, he’s driven my son and daughter-in-law insane, and I’m giving them a break.”
She opened the window over the sink, and warm, wet air spilled into the room. Way warmer than expected. She inhaled dramatically and released it with a smile, taking the happy witch thing a little too far.
“I think this is going to work out well,
dear. You can stay as long as you want, hopefully get to know the other kids, and have a little fun.”
Or not. I wasn’t the friend type. I’d never been. Whitney only hung around me because we’d always shared a room … until she reached her limit. And Mr. Crusty died before we had a chance to meet.
Sophia smiled, and a tall boy with blonde hair framing his slender face walked into the kitchen with us. He had on ratty gray jeans, a green dress shirt buttoned only halfway up, and a blue scarf around his neck that it seemed too warm for. He looked like he belonged both in a dumpster and on the cover of a magazine. Disheveled on purpose. He met Sophia at the sink and hugged her from behind. “Are you feeling okay?” he asked her.
“Yes. I’m fine. Why?”
He held the back of his hand to her forehead, checking her temperature. “I didn’t get any lunch yet. I’ve been up there waiting and wasting away. I’m thinking a meatball sandwich. Oh, and can you sprinkle cheese over my bread and bake it in like you usually do?”
“I told your parents you’d have more responsibility here, Paul,” Sophia said. He pushed his lip out and groaned, acting like a toddler. Not what I expected a wizard to act like. “You’ll have to get your own lunch, but I’ll make everyone dinner. So stop pouting and say hello to Christine,” she said. I wanted to correct her and tell her my name was Leah, but I was too nervous to say anything. I hadn’t had to talk to anyone close to my age since Whitney left.
Paul leaned over the island, his face hovering over my plate, and winked—eyes as blue as his grandmother’s. Up close, I could see scraggly blonde hairs on his face trying to become a beard. Again, making him straddle the line between handsome and bum.
“Hi there,” he said. “I’ve heard a lot about you … all day long. I was annoyed, honestly, but now it was well worth sitting through Nana’s constant praise of you.”
Sophia smacked his butt. “Don’t be foolish, Paul. She’s way out of your league.”
Paul laughed, a sneaky little laugh, and wrapped his arms around his grandmother again. He puckered for a kiss and she dodged his lips until he planted a sloppy one on her cheek. What the hell? Kissing grandmothers? Laughing? Obviously pretending to be something we aren’t. But why?
“Out of the league of your favorite grandson?” he said. “That hurts, Nana.”
Sophia wiggled free and smacked his shoulder. “And stop smoking! You smell awful,” she said. Paul sniffed his shirt and laughed … again. “We’re about to have a meeting. I’m going to lay down the rules, and you, especially, should be there.” He walked around the island and pulled out a chair next to me. Sophia snapped her fingers, and it flew back to its place. “Don’t even think about it. Find somewhere else to sit.”
He threw his head back and groaned. “I thought you said I was getting a break. When did you become worse than my parents?” he said. Sophia rolled her eyes, and he left us alone in the kitchen.
“Sorry, dear. Paul is nineteen but doesn’t act a day older than seven sometimes. Let me know if he comes on to you. I’ll set him straight.” I nodded, even though I was sure he wouldn’t. Same species or not, I wasn’t the kind of girl guys were interested in. “What were we talking about?” she asked. “Ah … buying out the hunters.”
“Hunters?”
“Um, humans who search for and capture magical kind for a living.”
There was so much I didn’t know. An entire world and a whole career devoted to solving a problem for humans I didn’t know still existed outside of myself.
“They capture us, you said?” I asked. She nodded and pushed my plate closer. I guessed I wasn’t eating fast enough for her.
“Only those of us who break the treaty. If they haven’t done something truly awful, it’s only a matter of naming a price higher than what the government would pay for them. Because of you, I cleared a hunter’s stock this morning.” She blew me a kiss. I didn’t know how to react. “Bless you, my love.”
“Um … no problem.”
Sophia’s hand flew to her shoulder. Someone I couldn’t see giggled. “Emma,” Sophia said, smiling.
A brunette appeared next to her. The witch, I guessed. She should have been the most like me, but she wasn’t. Not even close. The biggest difference was the huge smile plastered across her face. Her eye shadow sparkled in the light flittering through the window. Her cheeks were highlighted in pink blush. She reminded me of Barbie, or Barbie’s friend with the dark hair. She was even dressed from head to toe in a few shades of pink, just like the dolls. If she went to St. Catalina, she would definitely hang out with Sienna.
“Christine, this is Emma,” Sophia said, smiling with every one of her teeth.
“Hello, Christine,” she said, in a thick French accent. She smiled and held out her hand to me. “I’ve heard lots about you.”
As soon as our hands touched, I heard her thoughts. I knew French well enough to know she thought I was pretty. Unexpected.
Her face didn’t show that she’d heard anything odd in my head. Maybe it was a common courtesy not to mention it. Sophia hadn’t either. Emma dropped my hand, and the room was silent again. No buzzing like there was at school. I guessed that was a human thing.
“Hi,” I said. An awkward pause followed my greeting. I was supposed to say something more than hi, I’d bet. Talking to Sophia was easier. With the roommates I’d met, I felt frozen, my tongue and my brain. I wanted to put my head down, be invisible, like she’d just been.
“Could you get Remi for me, Emma? I want to have a meeting now.” Emma nodded and snapped twice. Nothing happened that I could see. “It’s alright, dear. Close your eyes, concentrate, and try again.” Emma closed her eyes and snapped, slower and louder this time, and she vanished. Sophia erupted in applause like that was some sort of accomplishment and magic was something to be proud of. “My little Emma,” she said, fondly. “Porting around like a pro.”
Porting? I could do that, and it didn’t involve snapping.
Sophia took my empty plate and rinsed it off in the sink. She dried her hands on her dress, yellow with green flowers around the collar and sleeves, and grabbed my hand to help me down from the stool. It felt like the room and the world were spinning around me, leaving me dizzy and confused. Nothing made sense in this new, crazy world where witches wore flowers and blew kisses and sprinkled cheese on meatball sandwiches.
Sophia led me to the sofa, asking about my night, how I’d slept, and if the newscast upset me too much. We were only alone for a minute. Emma and Remi, who had on normal clothes now, came in together.
Nathan walked in after them, dressed in jeans and a plain white t-shirt.
“Hi. I’m Nathan Reece,” he said. He smiled and waved. “Sorry I didn’t introduce myself earlier. I didn’t expect you to come in while I was … you know.”
“It’s okay,” I said, straightening my shirt for no reason but to look away.
Nathan sat on the floor, and the girls took the other sofa. Paul strolled in, smelling like smoke, and tried to squeeze between Sophia and me. She swatted him away, and he took the floor by her feet.
“Okay, kids. I think everyone has met by now. And you’re all settled in your rooms. I hope all of you are responsible and respectful, but just in case, I’m giving you some rules to follow. First one. Please ask my permission to leave the house.” Paul grunted, and she kicked his arm. “And no going out after dinner.”
“We’re in New Orleans! Are you kidding?” Paul said.
“This city has an extremely high number of hunters, and I don’t want to get any calls in the middle of the night to come bail you out of trouble. If you go out and party, drinking and forgetting your control, you can consider yourself caught already. And Paul, you promised your parents you wouldn’t drink at all.” He held his fingers to his head like a gun and pulled the trigger. “We will follow human laws in this house, and none of you are twenty-one.”
Emma chuckled but dissolved her smile when Sophia glared at her. “Sorry, Sophie,�
�� she said.
“Next rule,” Sophia said, accepting her apology with a nod. “No hanky panky.”
“You may as well call this the Kill Paul Slowly Meeting,” he said.
“Thank you, Paul. You’ve reminded me of another rule. No griping. If I ask you to do something, please just do it. Backtalk will get you kicked out, and you’ll lose the protection living here provides. You are safe here, but out there … not so much. Especially those of you who can’t control your magic well.”
I felt myself sinking lower into the cushion, feeling like the comment was directed at me—the girl who’d lost complete control last night.
“Next rule, until you find a job, you will be expected to do a chore every day. If it is not done,” she said, pointing to the door. “You can find somewhere else to live.”
Paul jumped to his feet and walked to the door. Sophia cleared her throat, and he ran back to her feet, laughing and rubbing her leg.
“And the final rule,” Sophia said, her voice going cold. “The most important of all. You will not under any circumstances reveal to anyone that you have seen Christine. Not a human. Not our kind. No one. She has been in hiding for years, and despite currently being on the news, she wants to stay that way.”
Sophia nudged my arm. I looked up into her sparkling eyes and saw that she wanted me to explain.
“I’m Leah.” I rolled my eyes. Sophia had already introduced me by my blasphemous name. “That’s my name from school, anyway. I’m … a witch.” I swallowed hard. It was strange admitting that to them. “I’ve been pretending to be human.”
“Can you speak up? I can barely hear you,” Remi said.
I didn’t realize how low my voice was. I guess I wasn’t used to talking, at any volume. “Sorry,” I whispered, even softer.
Sophia grabbed my hand, twining her fingers through mine.
“She is very soft spoken and hasn’t been awake very long today. She said that she has been hiding at her school. She has been pretending to be a normal sixteen-year-old girl, but she is not. That brings me to another point. She doesn’t actively practice witchcraft, so please don’t ask for exhibitions or anything like that. Respect her wishes. She’s used to living as a human, and she plans to continue that.” Heads nodded around the room, and Sophia leaned closer to my ear. “Sweetheart, you can go to your room and get dressed. I’ll be up in a second.”
I untangled our fingers and headed for the stairs. I caught a glimpse of the rolled up newspaper Nathan had fetched on a table as I passed it. I could see enough of the headline to know the cover story was about me. I unrolled the paper, and there I was, glaring at the world with my creepy trance face on the cover of The Times Picayune. Whatever a Picayune was.
I shook my head. Hours of sleep hadn’t made this any more believable. I was partly waiting to wake up in my dorm room and start my usual dance—pretending to be human and moving around the dorm like a well-practiced ghost. But I was really here and around more creatures that shouldn’t exist, creatures that seemed to live very different lives from me.
I searched in my new closet for something to wear that was appropriate for sitting around all day.
I pulled on a pair of dark jeans and the most casual shirt in the closet—a slightly see-through, loose-fitting one. I’d never worn anything so nice and in this bright of a color, a mustard yellow.
I pulled my hair back in the tightest bun my curls would allow. I’d met my roommates with bedhead … and before I’d brushed my teeth. A wonderful first impression.
I remembered where Sophia had stashed the sweats and tees after I was dressed, but I didn’t have enough energy to change. I stepped out of the closet, and she startled me with her sudden presence again, holding a plate of grapes and apple slices out to me. “Snack time,” she said.
“I just ate.”
“Snack time,” she repeated. I took the plate. It didn’t feel like I had a choice. I ate the fruit while she rummaged through a duffle bag hanging on her arm. She brought it to a desk I didn’t remember being in the corner of the sitting room last night.
“Physics. Calculus. Chemistry. World History,” she said, stacking four textbooks on the desk. She reached into the duffle again. More books. “French. Literature. Bible Studies.” She cleared her throat and tapped the Bible Studies textbook. “You may want to pay special attention to this one. Read more closely than you’ve done before. It may clear up some of your confusion.” I looked away, not wanting to debate evil magic and the Bible with another witch. “I want you to spend no less than four hours a day on your studies.” She pulled a silver laptop out of the bag. “This will help.”
“You’re giving me … homework?”
“You’re a high school student, and you should be learning. I checked. You are enrolled in all of these classes. I don’t know when you’re going back, but I want you to keep your mind fresh in the meantime. Do you think you’ll be able to do it alone?”
I’d done the bulk of my learning since I was twelve on my own. “I’m used to it. Class was distracting,” I said. I left it there, assuming she’d understand why. “Did, um, your kids do it this way?”
“No, they went to school,” she said, like nothing was odd about that. “Three of them graduated from college. Of course, some of my grandchildren were homeschooled because of the war. The youngest ones went eventually when things calmed down. Paul graduated from a normal high school. Emma, too.”
I had to look as confused as I felt. Maybe they just handled the distractions better than I could. “Did they have good grades?”
“Paul did, believe it or not. Emma … has a problem with numbers. If you notice it, don’t laugh. She’s very sensitive about it.” I wanted to roll my eyes at her. Why would I, or any of us, have a problem not laughing? “Oh,” she said, reaching into the pocket of her dress. “I got you a cell phone. It’s not very fancy, but it calls and uh … texts or whatever it’s called.” I’d never had one of my own, but I’d seen enough cell phones to know that the pink flip-phone she’d tossed to me was dated. “I just thought you’d want one. The others have them, too.”
I stashed the phone in the desk drawer, knowing I’d never use it, knowing it wouldn’t ring. That was why I didn’t bother getting one of the pre-paid ones from school.
“I didn’t think witches needed things like this. Phones and stuff,” I said.
Sophia smiled and sighed—an infuriatingly happy sigh.
“Once upon a time when all was right with the world, we didn’t. Gregory calls technology the great equalizer. It made magic … less magical. The generation after us didn’t want to learn it. My own children told me there was no point. Humans were suddenly more capable and cooler with their gadgets. To me, that caused the tension that eventually boiled over and caused some of us to lose our minds.”
Some of us? I guessed Sophia didn’t look like she could do the horrible things I heard magical kind had done. Home invasions. Mass murders. But neither did I. Looks are deceiving.
She pulled out her phone and mashed some buttons, and the phone in the drawer chimed, proving me wrong about it never ringing already. “I have to admit, this is a little faster than contacting someone the old-fashioned way. That’s my number. Save it.”
I saved it under Sophia as she scribbled my number on a torn out piece of notebook paper so I could learn it. We had different area codes. I was 504, she was 210.
“Where’s 210?” I asked.
“San Antonio, Texas. I got yours here this morning. Oh, that reminds me.” She pulled out a credit card from the same pocket she’d pulled the phones from. “Gregory managed to change the name on the account to Cecilia Neal without anyone noticing. Neal was your mother’s family’s name. I’m being overly cautious, but if they’re tracking Christine Grant, I don’t want online shopping to be the reason you get hauled off to school before you’re ready.”
“So this is mine?”
“Yes. We can change the name back when you’re less f
amous, but I figured since you’re a millionaire now, you’d want access to it. Check the desk drawer for your bank info. You can change everything. Greg and I don’t want access to your money. We’ve been paid the agreed amount. Not a penny more.”
I nodded, getting a bit overwhelmed by it all, and she excused herself to clean my room. I turned on the TV instead of doing homework. Of course my picture was on the screen. I was still Breaking News on the national channel.
“It has been nearly fourteen hours since sixteen-year-old Leah Grant disappeared from St. Catalina Catholic Boarding School. The video evidence has revealed nothing more than a flash of light after hours of digital enhancement. Witnesses report seeing a woman, no younger than fifty, inside the beaming light that seems to have swallowed the missing girl. What began as a kidnapping case for the New Haven Police Department has now captured international attention. It is an extreme honor to welcome the Honorable Lydia Shaw to our broadcast.”
I nearly slid off of the sofa. Lydia Shaw had been the object of my intense fear since I first saw the magic on that awful Tuesday afternoon.
The anchor stood behind his podium and bowed to her, like we were taught to do if we ever met her. She saved the world at nineteen when she killed Fredrick Dreco, the wizard leading the war against humans. Nineteen seems a little young to be a wizard assassin, but she was. I wasn’t sure what she did now. Maybe she was in charge of the hunters Sophia had told me about.
“Your Honor, it is a pleasure to have you on today,” he said, looking like he’d met … well … the most famous woman in the world. She even had her own chapter in every history book I’d ever had.
“The pleasure is mine, thank you,” she said. Her voice sounded nothing like I’d imagined it would. It was softer, calmer. She looked the same as the pictures I’d seen of her, though—blonde hair, honey eyes, delicate face. Not the face of a killer. Oh, but she was. Everyone knew that she’d spilled the most magical blood during the war. Not just Frederick Dreco, thousands of creatures like me. I imagined the blood running down her arms now as she clasped her hands in front of her.
“Your Honor, what do you make of the allegations of the abduction? Is it possible that a witch took the girl?”
“No, Ken, that is not possible. My special agents and I have spent the last seventeen years ensuring the safety of mankind. Our enemies are in their graves where they belong.” Sophia cackled in the bathroom. “There has to be some other explanation for this.”
“As in aliens? Delusional teenagers?” Ken asked.
“Perhaps the latter,” Lydia said. “The incident took place after a fire alarm. I would suggest that the nuns check the rooms for drugs.” Sophia laughed again, harder this time. “As for the light in the video, I don’t have an answer for that. If it will make the people of New Haven and all those touched by Leah’s mysterious disappearance more at ease, I will take charge of this case. I will search every crack and corner of this country and others. It is my sincere hope that we find her alive and unharmed and return her safely to her home as soon as possible.”
I gasped. Lydia Shaw was looking for me. The Lydia Shaw. The woman I’d imagined capturing me, removing my head, adding it to her collection. I didn’t realize how hard I was shaking until Sophia sat next to me and rubbed my shoulder.
“Is she in charge of the hunters?” I asked. She nodded. “Does she still kill us?”
“She would need a reason.” Sophia’s voice was a weak and frightening whisper. In my case, she’d have a reason, from last night alone.
I shook harder, my teeth chattering. She’d only have to string the obvious details together and she’d have the truth about last night—I was an outcast with a motive, my name had been called so I didn’t have a reason to be outside, and I disappeared in front of sober witnesses.
“She’s going to kill me, Sophia!” She took my hand in both of hers. “Hiding there was too hard. I’ll blow it again when I go back. And now they know me. She knows me. Oh, God, what will—”
Sophia shushed me and kissed my hand.
“Relax. You never have to leave or go back to that place, love. I wanted to mention that last night, but I wanted you to make your own decision about it. I’m actually glad you almost slipped last night. It gave me a reason to intrude and finally meet you.”
We sat there for what felt like forever with her lips on my hand. Her eyes were closed tightly. She was listening to my thoughts, I guessed. She sighed and placed my hand in my lap, not mentioning what she’d heard in my head.
She fumbled around for the remote and made the frightening woman fade to black. “Enough of that for now, dear. You’re safe here, but if you’re not going back to school, would you mind staying inside until she calls off the search. You can go out on the property, but not outside of the gate. Shouldn’t be more than a week or so.”
“Okay,” I said. With Lydia Shaw and her hunters looking for me, I didn’t want to be out of the gate. I’d hide forever if I could.