by M. Lathan
She lifted my face up and kissed my nose. God, this felt so natural, so right. Tears fell from her eyes onto my cheek. She was shaking and I was calm. Maybe too calm.
“Wednesday,” she whispered. “Your future shifted away from what it had been for years – leaving St. Catalina at graduation. I got worried, and I left work to check on you through the mirror. You were eating in the courtyard by yourself. Normally, I’d see that you were alive and go back to work. But I waited to see what could possibly be changing your life so drastically that I’d felt it in Paris. Then I saw them picking on you. I saw everything I should have seen. Everything I missed. I’m so sorry.”
I sighed, adjusting in her lap, finding an even more comfortable spot. I didn’t know what to say to that, so I went with nothing. She was right, she should’ve known. She should’ve made sure I wasn’t dying there. But in her arms, as calm as I was, I didn’t want her to feel worse about it.
“I thought I could fix things and Sophia thought she could too. And tonight … God … you ended up exactly where I never wanted you to be. Again, because I wasn’t watching.” She squeezed me, shaking and crying, unraveling more.
“But you came. I’m safe now,” I whispered, breathing in her scent. Absently, I reached for her hair. I dropped it because she was Lydia Shaw, and that was weird. And I was pretty sure I was supposed to be yelling at her right now. She kissed my cheek. I smiled and reached for her hair again. With my eyes closed, I could feel myself floating to a different time. Where I was completely content. Where I loved and felt loved. “I remember you so vividly. How weird is that?” I asked.
“Not weird for you. Your memory is advanced. I knew that was a characteristic of copies, but I don’t think of you like that, so I’ve never considered it. I never thought about you missing me because … you remembered me. I didn’t think about a lot.” I didn’t bother trying to fill the silence. I was busy twirling her hair around my fingers, loving the feel of it, remembering the feel of it. “And once and for all, let me just say, you are not evil.”
She shook me a little for emphasis. I chuckled. “Okay. Somehow, you saying it makes it real,” I said.
“Good. You have powers, but you were not bred. You have your own personality. You don’t act like me at all. You’re actually nice.”
I chuckled again. “You let magical kind live. That was nice.”
“That was Sophia’s doing. I couldn’t care less. They actually give me more work to do. Life would be easier if they were extinct.” She laughed. “See? You would never say that. Totally not my copy.”
“But … the anger. I flash out so easily. My nose bleeds, too.”
“Everyone gets angry. It doesn’t mean you’re a copy.”
I pulled my knees in tighter, feeling two days old. “But what about the nosebleeds? And I think I had a seizure in the shower the other day.”
“Seizure! Doing what?” She lifted my head, inspecting my eyes. I smiled. I loved how rattled she got over me.
“Trying to find out something about Remi. She wasn’t in the house, but I found her and I could hear and-”
“See her?” I nodded. “Being in someone’s mind that way is dangerous if you don’t know what you’re doing. Please don’t do that anymore.” Her reprimand burned even though her tone was sweet. I frowned and tucked my head under her chin, and she sighed. “I’m sorry, baby. I just want you to be careful. People with natural powers often hurt themselves because they push themselves too far. They don’t know when to stop because they feel too confident and capable. That’s where the nosebleeds come from. Straining. Just be careful. You just have to concentrate and take your time and listen to your body when it says to stop.”
She rocked me a little, and I nuzzled my forehead against her neck like I’d done it a thousand times.
“Okay. Oh, I remember your song. I sing it all the time.”
“I know,” she said, crying harder. “I hadn’t watched you take a bath since the nuns stopped bathing you. Sophia tried to pull me away from a memory because you were in the shower, but you were singing that. I think my heart stopped.”
I smiled, wishing I could have seen her and Sophia jumping around in my head now. Their weird relationship would have been funny to watch.
“You must use the same shampoo,” I said.
“I do. It’s something my mom used to make for me.”
I let her cry for a while without interrupting while I played with her fingers. They were slender and long like mine.
“Do I really own this house? And the one in New Orleans?”
“You own this one as of last week when Sophia mentioned it when you made her scramble for a better lie. You’ve always owned the one in New Orleans. Once I learned Kamon hadn’t been there when Julian killed my parents and didn’t know about that house, I put it in your name. The school promised to give you your bank account information at eighteen. The keys to the house and other things like my mother’s jewelry were waiting for you at the bank in New Haven.”
Wow. If I hadn’t lost it after the fire alarm, I would have gotten a wonderful surprise next year. But I would’ve lived there alone. I was glad things happened this way.
I concentrated on how her chest moved when she breathed. I remembered the rhythm, how I used to move with it. I’d missed that when she disappeared. I waited another minute before I continued with my questions.
“Why do you still work for the government if you never wanted to?” I asked.
“I don’t have much of a choice. I am technically a murderer. On multiple counts. If I didn’t want to be found, I could make it that way, but I don’t. I wouldn’t have a life either way.”
I suppressed a sigh, hoping she wasn’t reading my mind. I didn’t want to fight with her, but I didn’t agree with any of this. She certainly hadn’t made me as irrational as she was. I could clearly see that she should’ve killed Julian without leaving my dad and me.
I didn’t think like her. I wasn’t her copy, which meant my emotions and my sanity were my own. I didn’t flash out because of her. I wouldn’t be suicidal because of anyone. I’d had a hard life. I’d been picked on every day. It wasn’t magic. It wasn’t my mother. It was me, and I could control me.
I measured my thumb against hers, then the rest of my fingers. Her nails were filed to severe points, almost claws. I wondered how’d they look polished, probably a lot less scary.
“Why would I be able to read your mind? You asked me not to in Paris,” I said.
“You could if you tried. The more you practice anything, the better you get, and you were born with my powers. That makes you stronger, even though you haven’t been trained or explored nearly half of what you can do.”
Stronger than Lydia Shaw? And I had more powers? “Whoa,” was all I could say to that.
“And you’re smarter than me. I would have never thought to offer my blood to them. I would’ve blasted and fought my way out without thinking about it first. And I’d been in New Orleans for days getting your house ready, and I didn’t sense my parents. I only messed with the spirit world once while I carried you, and you can do it well, without trying.” Weird. I didn’t think I was doing anything special with the ghosts. “I plan to ask Sophia to free their spirits from the house so they can move on … when I’m speaking to her again.”
I laughed, happy for my grandparents and amused by her tone. Poor Sophia.
“I love her,” I said.
She groaned. “Of course you do. She acts like a sweet old lady with you. With me she’s a … never mind.” We laughed hard for a minute. “Did you like those kids she brought to the house?” she asked.
“Yeah.”
“Especially … um … Nathan?”
I sighed. I was about to have to talk to the woman who saved the world from magic who happened to be my mother, about a boy who happened to be a shifter. Creepy.
“We were together, but we broke up because I lied to him about being a witch.”
“I know. I
was with Sophia when Emma called. I made her bring you to Paris because you were so heartbroken. I was going to lie and tell you I knew Catherine so you’d stop worrying about me finding you. But I couldn’t lie when you mentioned the diary.”
I knew why she would think being heartbroken merited a trip to see my long lost mother. She was dramatic when it came to love. Fall on her knees and beg, dramatic. Erase memories to save lives, dramatic.
“Wait!” I sat up. She wiped her eyes, and I closed mine. “Do you still watch me sleep?”
“Um …,” I opened one eye. She was smiling. I fell back to her chest, mortified.
“What did you see?” I whispered.
She paused for an excruciatingly long moment. “The last time I checked in to see if you were sleeping, you and Nathan were watching, or not watching, a movie.” I groaned, but at least she hadn’t seen us in bed the night of my birthday. “I didn’t tell Sophia because I didn’t want her to be upset with your boyfriend, but I got the message that my baby had gotten too old for me to watch her sleep.” She rubbed my back and chuckled. “Don’t be embarrassed. I’m the obscene one, remember?”
“I was just upset. I know how much you loved…” I couldn’t say his name, but I didn’t have to. The mood changed instantly, like Christopher Gavin was sitting on the sofa with us now. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. He’s your father. I’d say you’re a little more than entitled to bring him up.”
Talking about this was so much easier in her arms. I couldn’t imagine how much I would’ve cried by now if I’d stayed in my seat. Since I was so comfortable, floating in her arms in our sea of problems, I decided to tackle the most uncomfortable part of the Lydia and Christopher conversation.
“You guys were so … um … into each other,” I said and snickered.
“Oh, God,” she moaned. “If my mother wasn’t already dead, I’d strangle her for giving you the diary. I wanted to clear that room, I felt it. I felt like I needed to go through all the things I’d stashed in there. I was going to leave the paintings so you’d think they were Catherine’s and have something from your past, but Sophia popped up with you before I could go through the boxes. And now my baby knows how insane I was. I can’t believe you read all that stuff about us.”
“I didn’t. If it seemed like it was headed there, I skipped it. Which meant I skipped most of the diary.” She laughed and thanked God a thousand times. “Do you miss him?”
“Every day.”
“Is he married now?” I asked. “Does he have kids?”
She held her hand out in front of us, and the charmed mirror appeared in it. “No, to both. I don’t watch him, but I did today since I figured you’d want to know. He’s living in Chicago. He hangs out with the friends he had when we met. That means he’s remembered the part of his life before me like I intended.”
She whispered his name into the mirror, and it showed him. I smiled, bringing my nails to my teeth, tremendously happy to see him like I’d known him my whole life. He looked the same, low cut curly hair and handsome.
He, a guy on a keyboard, and a woman at a microphone were performing in a smoky club. The music was slow and smooth. The people there weren’t paying much attention to them. Maybe they played there all the time.
“He’s in a band?” I asked.
She nodded against my head.
We watched the whole set, she cried silently through the whole thing. I still didn’t want to cry. I was in the most soothing place there was.
He leaned his guitar in the corner when the woman announced a five-minute break. He walked towards her, and I flipped the mirror over just in case they were together. I knew that would kill her.
He laughed, and she went deadly stiff. She sent the mirror away, maybe back to Paris.
“I can go to him and try to explain everything and help him recover his memories of me so you could meet him,” she said, in the same tone someone would volunteer to drink poison in. “Whatever you want, I will do.”
I took some time to think about that, listening to her cry, so comfortable I could sleep. What did I want?
Before any of this, I wanted to be invisible and good. Then I wanted Nathan to love me forever. Then to not feel shattered by Lydia. Now I’d wish for her to never let me go. I wanted to laugh about Sophia and meet my dad and be a family. But I wasn’t delusional enough to believe that was possible.
Lydia loved me, and if she could be my mother and his wife, she would’ve been all along. She wouldn’t have let me scream for her in that nursery if she didn’t have to. This night would be nothing like this if she had a choice. I’d be a normal teenager, up in my room or in the pool house, avoiding her and Christopher. However wonderful that would be, this is how she had to love me – at a distance, but probably stronger than anyone had ever loved another person. I felt very sure that whatever danger that made her give me up seventeen years ago still loomed. If there was no threat, I would have met her the second after it was safe for me to.
The tears won then because I knew I had to say goodbye to my mother again.
I’d derailed her plan in the first floor bathroom when I decided to be a monster. Sophia tried to salvage it, but my secret and Remi, who I was still very much worried about, ruined that.
I reached my arms around her.
“I’d love to have you two has parents, but you know that can’t work,” I said, holding her tight. She broke and clutched me like I was about to disappear. “Have you thought about making me forget?” She nodded. “I think we should do that. I’d be in the way.”
“You wouldn’t be, baby, but it’s the best thing. I thought you’d hurt less if you could believe in Catherine again. If you could go back to thinking your mother would never leave you if she was alive.” She pulled my face up to look at her. “I know I hurt you – abandoning you, lying to you. You’re taking it easy on me, but I know how devastating this must be.”
I didn’t say it, but I was more devastated that I hadn’t gotten to sit in her lap like this over the years and that I wouldn’t again. That upset me way more than the decisions she’d made.
Over the next ten minutes, she kissed me and told me she loved me too many times to count. I imagined this felt like being in front of the St. Catalina gates all those years ago. Or maybe the other times she’d lost me in her head.
“You’ll fall asleep as I do it,” she said. “I’ll make this better. You’ll feel so much better when you wake up.”
I tightened my arms around her and inhaled. I reached up to kiss her cheek and to do something I couldn’t do the last time we’d said goodbye. “I love you, Mom,” I said. Her response was incoherent. “You’ll be watching me, right?”
“Of course.”
“Keeping me safe?”
“Of course.”
“Be nice to Sophia.”
“I’ll try.” Our chuckles were lost in the sobs. “Be happy, baby. With Nathan. With everything.” I felt myself drifting to sleep. I wanted to change my mind and keep her, but I knew I shouldn’t. I wanted to ask her to sing to me too, but I knew I wouldn’t make it through the question without falling apart. “Bye, baby,” she said.
“Bye, Mom.”
She rocked me and started the song without me asking for it. She struggled through it, but I loved every second. As she sang that I was her love, her everything, I fell deep into darkness.
I couldn’t believe my mother was someone famous, someone people bowed to, and she loved me. I wasn’t someone’s evil copy.
I came from a wonderful family who would’ve adored me every day of my life. A simple family with a normal life except for Julian. Catherine did everything she could to keep me safe. Raymond too. They’d give anything to be here with me. But sometimes life is unfair and the people who love you are taken away. But I knew their love for me was strong and eternal, and that I should never wonder or worry about it again.
Chapter Seventeen
I felt myself being lifted and carried,
possibly up the stairs. I opened my eyes and screamed.
“You can walk!”
“Yep,” Nate said. “It’s three in the morning. Go back to sleep. I just wanted to give you your bed back.”
“You could’ve slept in there. I was comfortable,” I said, not really remembering when I’d fallen asleep. I’d wanted to watch a movie, but I guess I didn’t make it that far.
“It’s your bed,” he said. He put me down at the door. “Your house, actually.” I took in his mood and tapered my excitement. We weren’t in danger anymore, and we were still broken up. “That was brave, what you did in the cell.”
I walked to the bed, and he stayed miles away at the door. “You too. Thanks for staying with me and standing up to Kamon.”
He whispered, “No problem,” and nothing else.
Because we’d stopped talking, I toured my new room. Sophia had taken me away so quickly that I hadn’t seen it, and Lydia Shaw was in here working on Nathan. I’d fallen asleep before I could thank her for saving us.
Black and white pictures of beaches and cliffs in red frames lined the walls. The hints of color against the plain background of the room were more my style than the soft pinks I had before. Like Sophia knew what I’d like now because she knew me better. She had been working from a picture in a magazine she’d left open on the dresser.
“Are you going to sleep downstairs?” I asked, staring at the picture she’d copied perfectly. It was the only thing keeping me from crying and being dramatic like Catherine. My living room was in the magazine too, minus some really cute pillows I hoped Sophia just hadn’t gotten to yet.
“I was, but you’re awake so I don’t have to wait to apologize before leaving.” I sighed. At least we’d had the time in Kamon’s prison together. I flipped another page to a powder pink room Emma would like. “I’m sorry about what I called you and how I acted. You’re obviously not a hunter. I feel awful. I feel stupid. Embarrassed.”
“I shouldn’t have lied to you.”