“At least let her go,” she asked. She was desperate. If he would agree to this, she would think of something, someplace. She could have her dropped off and give her daughter instructions. Somehow Britta could make her way to Captain Dutt.
Gunther shook his head. “I can’t do that. You know better. You know that she must stay here. She’s my leverage, you might say. My guarantee of your good behavior. Britta guarantees my happiness, our happiness.”
She felt the tears flowing. She was trapped. There was nothing she could do. Still, deep inside she felt the flame burning. She had to protect her daughter. She shook her head again. “You have to let her go, or I will not comply. I don’t care what you threaten me with, what you do to me. You will get nothing from me until you agree.”
He stared at her again, his eyes widened in amazement, and then a sadness seemed to creep over him. He shook his head. “It gives me no pleasure to do this,” he said, “but you have left me no choice.” He stood and stepped over to the door, opening it and calling for his guards. He turned back to her. “A few days in the camp should change your mind.” He looked at her, shaking his head. “I’m so very sorry.”
She felt the fear welling up in her, but she stood her ground, praying this was a bluff. Surely he would not send her out among the prisoners. He was merely gambling, waiting for her to fold. But she did not bend and neither did he. Soon the guards were leading her down the stairs, through the corridor, and out into the frozen camp beyond.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Berlin
March 1943
The guards brutally slammed Erik against the wall. He crumpled into the corner as they crashed the door closed behind him. I’m going to die, he realized. Not someday. Not in a few years, but tomorrow. What a strange feeling that was. He’d faced death so many times in combat, but still it was different. With combat, there was always a chance to survive. Not now. Now he knew for sure that in the morning his life would be over.
Everything was going to end. All over a few hundred Russians, he could hear Corina’s and Karl’s voices mocking him. You threw away everything for nothing. They probably would’ve died in prison camps anyway, if they even made it that far. They weren’t even human in the same way that the Germans are. At least that’s what he’d been told all these years.
The night seemed to last an eternity. With no clock and no stimulus except the occasional passing sound of a guard, he didn’t even know what time it was. The lights went out, bedtime for those who could sleep, for people with some form of future. He lay there in the darkness, anxiety coursing through him. Every possible thought flitted through his mind as the hours ticked by, moment by wretched moment.
And then it was over. The lights flipped on in the outside corridor. Morning had come. His heart pumped viciously. They would be coming for him any moment. He wished he had pen and paper, a chance to write something to his wife, his parents, his poor little daughter. None of them would understand. Why hadn’t he asked for something to write with last night? He’d had all evening. But then they would never take anything he had to say back to his family. That’s not how things worked in the SS.
He heard the iron clang of boots in the hallway. The fateful clomping drew ever closer. They were coming. The end was here. He heard the jingling of the keys and the door opened. He braced himself as a guard stepped in, surrounded by the light, reaching for him.
“Mueller.” He was surprised. The voice was familiar. He looked up, blinking, trying to adjust to the light. The figure wasn’t a guard after all. It was Karl.
His friend was impassive as ever. He watched Erik, his eyes searching.
“Have you . . . have you saved me?” Erik asked.
“I don’t know,” he said. “It will depend on what you tell me right now.”
Erik nodded, unable to speak again. His throat was dry and he tasted bitter bile in his mouth.
“I came as soon as I heard the judgment,” Karl said. “I drove half the night to get here. I told you I’d pull strings for you one last time, and I have, but I’m not going to waste the effort unless I have assurances from you.” He looked down harshly. “I’m putting my own ass on the line.” He shook his head. “Not that you deserve it. Your word to me now will make the difference whether you walk out of here with me or dance on the end of a rope. Do you understand?”
Erik nodded.
“I have a place for you.”
Erik looked up hopefully.
Karl shook his head. “Not the one I planned. That future is gone along with your medals and most of your rank. I can keep you in the SS, but you won’t be an officer anymore.”
“But they ordered me out of the SS.”
“Out of the Waffen-SS, but that’s not my organization. They don’t have total control and they know it. I’ve got a job for you in East Prussia. It was the only one I could find on short notice. It won’t be easy, especially for you. You may be called on to do things, things worse than you faced in Russia. That’s where I must have your word. You’ve already balked in weakness at these so-called atrocities. You can never do so again.”
Erik thought about that. If he agreed, he would be compromising everything he had fought for, sacrificed for. He shook his head.
“Don’t answer so quickly. There’s more than that. Your death sentence doesn’t apply only to you. I don’t know if you understood that. Your parents, your wife, your daughter. They are all going to be arrested. They will be jailed at best, at worst . . .”
That was it then. He had to choose between his own morals, and the freedom, perhaps the very lives, of his family.
“Choose carefully, Mueller.” He reached into his tunic and pulled out a document, handing it to Erik. Karl called out and a light flipped on in the cell. Erik looked down, scanning the contents. The document was a full confession to the murder of the Russians, in exchange for a pardon and release to Karl’s custody.
Erik had no choice. The only way to save his family was to sign this paper. He would have to admit to a crime he hadn’t committed. He would have to follow orders from now on no matter what, or his family would suffer the same fate he would. There was no choice. He nodded. Karl smiled, handing him a pen. Erik signed, his hand shaking as he did so.
Karl pulled the paper away, folded it, and then crossed his arms, staring back down at Erik. “That’s the first sensible thing I think you’ve ever done. I thought when we had that conversation long ago you understood this was a new order, a new world. It has no place for weaklings. You’re weak, Erik Mueller, one of the weakest men I’ve ever seen. Well, the weakest German at least. This war is at a crisis point. There will be no room for cowardice. You must prove yourself to me every day. I will give you no more chances, and I will not stand in the way of what happens to you or your family if you fail. Do understand me, Erik?”
He nodded. Karl turned without another word. He knocked on the door and was let out, leaving Erik behind. The prisoner slumped back down against the door. He felt the full misery of what he’d just done. He’d compromised everything to save his own life and his family. Could that be enough to justify his decision? While he and his family would not die today, he wondered if this world was worth living for. Perhaps that was the reality of this entire war: all honor and decency was gone. All that was left was survival.
Erik stood at the door of his town house, pausing for a moment to take a deep breath. He was elated to be here, to see his family after almost a year. But he was also filled with misery. He would have to break terrible news to them, and he knew how they would react. He was humiliated and bent over with guilt. He still wore the wrinkled, badgeless clothing from his captivity. Karl had driven him back this morning after he’d secured his release from the jail. They’d barely spoken a word to each other. When Karl dropped him off he did not say good-bye.
Erik paused a few more moments and then knocked at the door. He didn’t even have a key. He had no money, nothing, not even his papers. Karl told him those would be
sent back from Berlin in the next few days. His new papers, denoting whatever rank Karl could preserve for him. He heard a shuffling; his father answered the door. He saw surprise and shock register, and then an overwhelming happiness as Peter swept his son into his arms, holding him closely. He turned and shouted. “Erik’s here! Mein Gott! ” He clasped both of his son’s hands. “What a delight! I don’t know what to say. We weren’t expecting you.”
Erik didn’t respond. He could hear a stampede of footsteps coming from every direction behind his father, along with the steady plod that could only be his sturdy mother. Greta was the first to appear, rushing past her grandfather to jump into her father’s arms, kissing and hugging him. Erik was so overjoyed that his grief fell away for a moment. How tall she was now, as tall as her mother and just as beautiful.
His wife was next. She rushed out, swimming as always under the bright cotton dress, a severe scarlet scarf tied tightly around her delicate neck. She was joyful and excited at this surprise, although she scanned him appraisingly. “Where’s your uniform?” she asked.
He ignored her question, as his mother materialized out of the dim light of the house. Her lips were pressed tightly but her eyes gleamed and she radiated contentment. He smiled back at her as he held Greta, squeezing her tightly, clinging to these lingering moments before the hurting began.
“What a surprise,” Corina said. “How delightful. What did they give you leave for? Is it another medal? A promotion? Karl will be so excited to see you.”
Erik nodded. “I’m home for a few days.”
“Well, which is it?” asked Corina. She flushed with excitement. “Is it both?”
“What’s wrong?” his mother asked, her steady eyes seeing something in his expression that the others had missed.
Erik shrugged. “There are things I must tell you. Important things.” He glanced down at Greta. “Subjects that we should discuss as adults.”
Erik saw the happiness flee his family’s expressions. Corina ordered Greta upstairs. His daughter protested, but Corina shouted at her until she slumped off up the stairs.
“Perhaps we should all go sit down at the table,” said Erik. They made their way into the kitchen. His mother poured tea and they all sat down. Fear stifled and choked the room.
“Tell us,” said Corina, a hint of impatience in her voice. She wouldn’t look at him, but instead ran a rag back and forth over the table, worrying away at an invisible blemish.
Erik started at the beginning, talking about the growing warmth in his relationship with Major Sauer, their return to Russia after the refitting in France. He explained the battle near Kharkov, the snipers, and taking over for Sauer. He described the victory, and he could see the triumph in his wife’s eyes but also the confusion.
His voice broke and he hesitated. Then he launched into the story of the Russian prisoners, the church, Sauer’s order, and his refusal. Corina’s face fell ghostly white. She started to speak, but he raised his hand and continued.
He told of the arrest, of the threats to kill him, the trial, Karl’s intervention, and Erik’s demotion. Corina gasped at this news. She stood up and stormed swiftly out of the room. Erik sat silently with his parents. They didn’t look at him and were clearly too stunned to talk. They sat that way for a few minutes.
“You’re alive,” said Peter, finally breaking the silence. “You’re alive, and you protected your family. You kept your honor. I don’t know what else you could have done.”
Peter reached over and squeezed his son’s arm. Even as his father did so, Erik heard footsteps rapidly returning. Corina was there, her face on fire, her eyes sharp and wild.
“He protected his family?” she shrieked, obviously having overheard his father’s words. “How did he do that?” She turned on Erik. “You’ve lost everything! You idiot! We were going to move to the best part of the city. I’ve been invited to tea and to shopping with the very best people in Königsberg. We had a future, Erik. A future away from all this middle-class garbage. You’ve lost your rank, your medals, and our hope!”
“But I didn’t kill those Russians,” he said.
“What difference does that make? What good did it do for you? Those prisoners are just as dead. Now you’ll be lucky to get a job in a shop after the war. We’ll be stuck in this hellhole together forever. You’ve ruined our lives.” She raised her hands to the ceiling. “I always knew you were soft. I thought I could fix that after we were married, but I was wrong!”
“Enough!” yelled Peter. “Enough from you!”
Corina turned. “And you!” she screamed back at him. “Worthless, unemployed. You didn’t even have the sense to keep your business intact. You’ve sat back judging the new order, the party. You’ve been on your high-and-mighty horse. What has that done for you? You sat here with that son of yours, day after day, wondering what to do. Jobless and hopeless. I had to go out and find a job for Erik. There was nothing I could do for you. Who would take you?”
“I didn’t need your help, and neither did Erik!” Peter retorted. “I’ve sat back long enough and watched you try to shove my poor son up the social ladder for your own benefit. Look what good it’s done. What world are you living in? Let me say it out loud for you: the Russians are winning the war. The English and the Americans aren’t far behind. It’s only a matter of time until your precious party is going to burn to the ground and take Germany with it. When it’s over there will be nothing left except those that survive. If he killed those Russians or not, the result would be the same. His medals and his rank won’t help any of us when the Russians get here. Gott help us all.”
“You’d better watch your mouth, old man,” warned Corina. “They’ve arrested people for far less than that. I will not sit here and listen to this defeatist talk. We are winning on the eastern front, and we will win the war!”
She turned on Erik. “Karl has saved you again apparently. You are going to take whatever job he gives you. You will follow every command. You will be better than anyone else in the position, whatever the cost. You must at least finish the war in his good graces. Perhaps you can redeem yourself if it lasts long enough. If you love me and Greta and you want any kind of future for this family, you will do everything in your power from now on to save us. And I don’t just mean our lives, I mean our reputation, our future in this town and in this country. Do you understand me?”
Erik nodded. He didn’t know what else to do. Peter was flushed with anger but seemed cowed by Corina’s harsh words. Erik looked at his mother. Anna was visibly upset, but as always she would not speak. He knew how much she hated conflict. She wanted simple peace and contentment in the house. For her sake, and for the sake of his father, he did not continue the battle with his wife.
Besides, Corina was right. She always was right. He would have to do everything that was asked of him from now on. Not only for the future she wanted, if there was such a thing, but also to save all their lives.
He didn’t believe in Corina’s vision of the future anymore. He knew deep in his heart they would lose the war. The Russians were piling on new men, new equipment, more tanks and planes in seemingly inexhaustible supply. The Germans couldn’t hope to contend with them. They could try to hold them back. They might score some counterattack victories and even negotiate a reasonable peace, but there would be no “great German victory.” No unified Europe with the SS and the Nazis in charge.
One day in the distant future, it was likely the Russians would roll through Königsberg. He shuddered at the thought. He remembered all the terrible things the Germans had done in Russia. The retribution could be dreadful, indeed.
He couldn’t worry about that right now. He had to think about the immediate future. He needed to battle to keep his family from falling apart.
“I will do everything necessary,” he said. “Karl has saved my life. I will work hard for him in this new assignment, and I’ll make sure all of you are protected and that our future, such as it may be, is assured.”
“You’re going to be tested,” said Corina. “They know you’re weak. They will want you to fail. You can’t hold on to your ridiculous morals any longer.”
He nodded, but he prayed he would never find out what that meant. For now, he was home with his family and he would try to eke out a few days of peace before the new, unknown storm.
He called Greta back down, and for the rest of the evening the family visited in relative tranquility. He told stories of France and lighter subjects about Russia: the endless snow, the steppes, the charming villages and towns. The onion-domed churches. There was a gloominess to the room they all tried to hide, but the air was thick with it.
The evening wore on until it was time for bed. Erik took his daughter up to her room and prayed with her before tucking her in. She held his hand.
“I’m so happy you’re home,” she said. She squeezed his fingers before drifting off to sleep. Erik sat there for a long time, praying to God, hoping for a miracle, for a future for his young daughter. He thought of the Russians again and shuddered.
He rose and tiptoed out of the room, heading toward his bedroom. He paused outside the door. He’d dreaded this moment alone with Corina. He took a deep breath and entered. She was already in bed, her back to him. She didn’t speak when he came in. He undressed and put on his pajamas, then climbed carefully into the bed.
She did not move. They hadn’t lain in bed together for so long. He placed a tentative hand on her back. There must be some way to feel close to her again, to say he was sorry. She bristled, moving away.
“Don’t touch me!” she hissed.
“Corina, please, I’m only going to be home for a couple of days.”
“Don’t touch me,” she repeated. “You are no man. I’m repulsed by you.”
He tried again and she whipped around, facing him. “I mean it, Erik. Don’t ever touch me again until you redeem yourself. If you become a man again, then I will treat you like one. For now, I can’t stand to look at you, let alone let you touch me. Now go to sleep!”
A Bitter Rain Page 28