Concern for her friend took precedence. “Are you okay?”
He dropped his head and rand his hands through his hair before looking up again. “Yeah, I’m okay. I just…. I just thought we should talk.”
She nodded, fully prepared to launch into an apology for misreading the situation and for possibly causing trouble with his girlfriend. Oh God, was that why he looked so bad? Was it because he’d been fighting with his girlfriend?
And how come the term ‘girlfriend’ no longer made her want to vomit?
She’d gotten so far as saying, “Thanks for taking the time to meet with me, I really wanted to apologize—”
But he interrupted her apology as if she’d never spoken. “Maybe you were right.”
She blinked at him. “Right about what?”
He leaned forward, his hand capturing hers on the table. “Maybe you were right about us.”
She resisted the odd impulse to drag her hand away and let it rest there, beneath his cold, clammy fingers. They were kinda-sorta holding hands in the middle of the table—and it was intensely awkward. Her arm was at a weird angle and her other hand still gripped her coffee. “I’m sorry,” she said, for lack of anything better to say. “What exactly was I right about?”
“Us,” he said again, as if that explained everything.
“But what about Amy?”
He dropped his head again with a sigh. “I don’t know.” Shaking his head, he glanced back up at her and his expression was unusually grim—not at all in keeping with the teasing, lighthearted goofball-Ben she knew so well. “I don’t know what’s going on with me and Amy. We had a fight—”
She winced. “Sorry if I contributed to that.”
He shook his head. “You didn’t. I mean, yeah I guess you did.” His laugh was humorless and did nothing to dispel her guilt which had grown exponentially since he’d started talking. “That kiss started the fight, but it turned into something bigger. It brought up stuff we hadn’t been dealing with.” He turned plaintive eyes in her direction. “Honest to God, El, I don’t even know what we’re fighting about anymore. It’s like the fight’s taken on a life of its own.”
She gave him a sympathetic grimace.
Eloquent as ever, she knew just what to say. “That sucks.”
Not exactly a heartwarming speech but because this was Ben and they knew each other so well, it turned out to be the perfect thing to say. He nodded solemnly in response. “It does suck.”
His gravity made it sound far more meaningful. Deep, almost.
They sat in companionable, miserable silence for a while until Elise brought them back to the topic at hand. “I’m not sure what this has to do with me,” she said slowly. “Other than the fact that I apparently caused this hellhole that you’re in.” She gave him a half smile. “Did I mention that I was sorry about that?”
His laugh wasn’t the one she loved—it was sad and short. “Yeah, you mentioned that. And it’s okay, really. It got me thinking. About you and me. About me and Amy.”
Her heart started tripping over itself. What was he saying?
He looked up at her from beneath his shaggy hair and his eyes were filled with confusion. “We do have a connection. Right from the beginning, I knew I could talk to you. We make each other laugh….”
She nodded slowly. This was all stuff she’d said before and thought countless times. They had a connection! But the way he was talking…it was hard to tell if he was stating facts or trying to convince himself of something.
Either way, she found herself fidgeting in her seat. She didn’t know where this was heading and she had a feeling he didn’t know either.
Trying to sound as sympathetic as possible, she leaned over and gently removed her hand from beneath his and patted his arm reassuringly. “Clearly you and Amy are going through some stuff.”
His eyes were pleading with her. She knew that look—it was the one Jack got when he wanted her to tell him it was time to go outside. He wanted permission, guidance. He needed someone to tell him what he was feeling and what he should do.
She bit back a sigh. As his friend she wished she could. But a bigger part of her—one that she liked to think was wise beyond her years but probably wasn’t—knew that she couldn’t. “I wish I could help you sort things out, Ben, I really do.” When his brows shot up in surprise, she hurried on. “It’s just…I think I’m too close to this situation, you know? You need to work this out with someone who’s objective, and I’m clearly not. I’m in the middle of this in some weird way and it wouldn’t be right for me to get any more involved than I already am.”
He nodded slowly, a small smile forming that made him look a little like himself again. “You’re probably right. I need to figure things out with my girlfriend. And then maybe you and I can talk again?”
She nodded quickly. “Of course.” Flashing him a quick smile, she added, “You know where to find me.”
After a brief silence he let out another laugh and this one sounded much more genuine. “I have to say, El, you shocked the hell out of me with that kiss.”
There was nothing snide in his tone and she even found herself returning his smile, some of the embarrassment gone now that he was laughing about it. “Yeah, I kinda sensed that,” she teased.
He shook his head. “When you said you had a crush on someone….”
“What?” she prompted.
His eyes were filled with laughter when he met her gaze. “I was so sure you were going to admit that you had a crush on Derek.”
Her mouth went dry and she noticed belatedly that her jaw was hanging slack. “Derek,” she repeated. “Derek Hawk?”
Her voice contained all the shock she felt.
“Yeah,” he laughed. “I mean, I guess I was totally off base but you always acted so weird around him—like, shy or something. And then when I saw you coming out of his office and you got all embarrassed and weird….”
She forced a laugh even as her brain went haywire trying to figure out if Ben had picked up on something that had been right in front of her face. And that she had missed entirely.
She barely paid attention as he switched the topic, clearly convinced now that he’d guessed wrong about her crush. For a moment she thought about filling Ben in on the latest developments with Derek but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Things between them were complicated enough without bringing Derek into the mix.
They made awkward small talk for a while after that while Elise guzzled the rest of her coffee, impatient to get out of there. The conversation hadn’t put her mind to rest as she’d hoped it would. It definitely hadn’t assuaged her guilt or cleared up her feelings about the situation.
If anything, it made her feel worse.
Not only had she derailed her own life with that ill-fated kiss, she’d all but ruined his.
Okay maybe that was a tad melodramatic. She hadn’t ruined it, but she sure as hell hadn’t helped him any. And now his relationship—which she thought she’d hated—was apparently on the rocks. How was she supposed to feel about that?
Happy? Vindicated? Sorry for him?
Guilty. So much so that every other emotion paled in comparison. He’d looked so desperate. So…pathetic.
Here she’d been moving on—flirting with Derek, saying yes to a date with Derek—while the guy she’d thought she’d been in love with for the past year was reconsidering his relationship. Because of her!
She should be happy. Ecstatic, even. The logical part of her brain was telling her she should be celebrating right now, not moping as she trudged through the snow to get to Derek’s apartment building.
This was it, everything she wanted. So why wasn’t she satisfied?
The front doors of Derek’s apartment loomed in front of her and for a moment she thought about running away. She could text him that she was sick.
But she was being ridiculous. Derek was counting on her, and so was Jack. What happened this afternoon had nothing to do with Derek.
&n
bsp; Except that it did. It totally did. How could she kiss him and tell him she would spend New Year’s Eve with him when there was a possibility she would be getting together with Ben? This was no time to start a relationship. Not when everything with Ben was such a mess. Derek deserved better.
They could be friends. Friends was good. That’s what they’d become, wasn’t it?
Her traitorous mind flashed back on that sizzling kiss that had made her head spin and her body ache.
Oh hell. She had no idea what they were. Or what she was feeling.
Why did Ben have to go and turn her emotions into a chaotic mess?
The moment he opened his front door, he knew something was wrong.
His stomach sank as she gave him a quick hug as she entered the apartment. After that kiss he’d kinda thought they’d moved on to a friendlier greeting but she dodged his lips and gave him a peck on the cheek that would have made any grandma proud.
Just like that, he knew—he was back in the friend zone.
The disappointment was crushing. He could feel the weight of it in his bones. But he told himself he was being paranoid. What could have changed? Just yesterday she’d texted back that she missed Jack…and his owner. With a heart emoticon, no less. Surely that had to count for something.
He had the sudden urge to call Kyle and get his input on the significance of a heart emoticon these days. Kyle knew that kind of stuff. Maybe a heart had a hidden meaning he wasn’t aware of. Like, let’s just be friends.
“How’s Jack?” she asked as she set her bag down and headed toward the living room. Jack cut her off in the hallway, jumping up on two legs and panting like crazy. Clearly Derek wasn’t the only one who’d been waiting impatiently to see Elise. He was just glad he hadn’t actually panted at the sight of her.
If the friend-hug and peck on the cheek hadn’t clued him in, her nervous babbling would have done the trick. Not letting him get a word in edgewise, she avoided his gaze as she told him every minute detail of her train ride back into the city.
It wasn’t until they were both bundled up in their outdoor wear and heading to the park that he summoned up the nerve to ask. “El, is everything okay with you?”
Her expression was stricken with a mixture of fear and surprise before she looked down at her feet. “What makes you say that?”
Since she was determinedly staring at the ground, he was safe to roll his eyes. Oh, I don’t know, maybe the fact that you’re acting like you’re on a date with a serial killer rather than walking a dog with a guy you like? Instead, he said, “Just a hunch.”
She stopped short in the middle of the walking path, almost causing a pedestrian traffic collision as a family of French tourists nearly ran into them.
“I think we need to talk,” she said.
Crap. This could not be good. The anxious pit in his stomach grew so large it was in danger of swallowing him whole.
“I can’t spend New Year’s Eve with you tomorrow night,” she blurted out.
He hid his disappointment as best he could. For once in his life the fact that he wasn’t exactly expressive worked to his advantage. “Why not?”
She blinked rapidly, as if surprised that he might want to know what the hell had happened between their flirty texting the day before and this sudden announcement.
“I, uh…” She started walking again, her head tucked down. Some irrational part of him desperately wanted to reach out and brush the curls from her face so he could see her expression but something told him his touch was not wanted.
“I just think that maybe we’re moving too fast,” she said quickly.
“Too fast,” he echoed. “With one date?”
She glanced up at him, probably trying to judge if he was joking or annoyed. To be honest, he was both.
“One date on New Year’s Eve,” she said, as if that explained everything.
“Aha.” It was all he could think to say.
Then, after they walked in tense silence for a few minutes, he couldn’t hold back the question that was nagging at him, threatening to drive him crazy if he didn’t get an answer. “Does this have anything to do with Ben?”
Her gasp was a dead giveaway.
“I’ll take that as a yes.” His voice was dry but his heart plummeted into his stomach. He should have known that kiss had been too good to be true. Ben was everything he was not—charismatic, outgoing, funny, charming.
He was positive no one had ever accused Ben over being cold or stiff. Come to think of it, he was probably everything someone like Elise deserved.
“I can explain,” she said.
Please don’t. He didn’t want to hear about her feelings for someone else but couldn’t bring himself to stop her when she started talking.
“Ben and I…we got along so well from day one. We bonded instantly and our senses of humor just clicked, you know?”
Yeah, he knew. He forced himself to give a short nod. Hopefully it wasn’t obvious that hearing this was a special kind of torture.
“I liked him.”
Yup, there was the twist of the knife he’d been waiting for.
“And I assumed he liked me too.”
Oh crap. The sadness in her voice was unbearable. The woman was ripping his heart out of his chest and all he wanted to do was hug her and tell her it would all be okay. Effing hell.
She glanced up at him with a self-deprecating smile. “Stupid, right?”
He drew in a deep breath. Much as he’d like to sound like the sore loser he was, he couldn’t bring himself to hurt her any more than she was already hurting. So he told her the truth. “Not stupid at all. I assume every eligible man likes you.”
That earned him a teary smile. “You’re sweet.”
He almost laughed at that. Almost. No one in his entire life had referred to him as ‘sweet.’ Not unless they were being sarcastic, which she most definitely was not. Everything about her screamed earnest and honest.
“Thank you?” It came out as a question but she ignored it. She didn’t seem to have even heard him as she continued with her story.
“But that’s the thing,” she said with a sigh. “He wasn’t exactly eligible.”
He winced. “Ah.”
“Yes, ah,” she repeated, her voice filled with that adorable teasing tone he normally loved. Right now it just added salt to the gaping wound.
“But now….” She sighed. “I don’t know what’s going on between me and Ben but I feel like I need to sort that out before we go on any dates.”
And there it was. The final death blow. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he stared at Jack as he sniffed a lamppost. He didn’t trust himself to speak. Being rejected before they’d even had an official date was embarrassing enough, he wouldn’t humiliate himself further by arguing with her about it.
She continued on, apparently unaware that she was killing him. “I really like being your friend, and I don’t want to lose that.”
He kept his mouth shut. What was he supposed to say to that? Ah hell…he couldn’t keep silent for long. “I don’t want to be friends.”
He might as well have kicked the puppy judging by the look on her face. He’d never been any good at this communication crap. Clearing his throat, he tried again. “What I mean to say is, I’d like to be clear with you about my intentions.”
She peeked up from beneath lowered lids. “Okay. What are your intentions?”
“I don’t want to just be friends. I’m attracted to you and I care about you.” He took a deep breath and braced himself for more rejection. But it had to be said. “I like you, Elise. I really like you.”
Her cheeks had gone flaming red but she was staring at the ground again and it was impossible to tell if she was pleased or just embarrassed. But did it matter? He’d been all in with this one from the moment he’d hired her to walk his as-of-then nonexistent dog.
“But,” he said slowly. He stopped to sigh. Goddammit, sometimes being mature sucked balls. “If all you’re capable of
giving at the moment is your friendship, then I will try to accept that. I’d rather have you in my life as a friend than not at all.”
She tackled him with a hug that knocked the wind out of him. “Thank you,” she whispered, before pulling back and resuming her walk as if nothing had happened.
The hug left him with a bittersweet sensation and for someone who didn’t get emotional, his chest was awfully tight with emotion. Clearing his throat, he tried to sound unaffected. “So, did you make any progress with the pros and cons list?”
Chapter Ten
Elise was miserable. Worse, she was miserable at a party, surrounded by non-miserable people, which only made her feel more miserable.
Leaning over so Katerina could hear her over the live music, she asked, “Tell me again why we didn’t stay home and watch the ball drop on TV?”
Katerina gave her a sympathetic smile as she threw an arm around her shoulders. “Because Jacob had to work tonight and Tabitha wanted to be with her boyfriend at midnight.”
Elise sighed. She would not feel jealous because one of her best friends was blissfully in love while she was an emotional train wreck.
“If I recall correctly,” Katerina continued, “you also mentioned that having access to an open bar all night was better than sitting around with nothing to do but stew.”
Elise stuck out her lower lip and looked up at her friend. “I did say that, didn’t I?”
Katerina nodded. “You did.”
She groaned. “I was an idiot.”
Katerina didn’t comment, which she took to be her silent agreement.
“So why did you agree to this? You hate parties,” Elise pointed out.
Katerina shrugged, the movement jostling Elise’s shoulders in the process. “I just want to spend New Year’s with my two best friends.”
“Awww,” Elise teased.
Tabitha joined them, her hands filled with three drinks.
Sweet Treats: A Love Bites Novella Page 6