by Cheryl Faye
Trying to reassure her, he softly intoned, “It’ll happen, baby. Maybe God wants us to get a little more settled before He blesses us with kids. With me going out on my own and the new building and everything, we’ve got a lot on our plates right now.”
“Don’t you want us to have a baby?” she tearfully inquired as she looked into his eyes.
“Of course I do. I want us to have several babies, but I’m in no rush. We’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, sweetheart. We’re still young and…” he kissed her sensuously, “I kind of like having you all to myself.”
That was not what she wanted to hear. Charisse rose and started to move away from him. “Something’s wrong. I just know it.”
Remaining seated, he reached out to her. “Honey, come here.” Reluctantly, she allowed him to pull her back to him. “I’m sure you’re fine.”
“No! Stefàn, something’s wrong. I can feel it,” she insisted as she wrapped her arms around her middle.
“Do you have pain or something?”
“No, but… I should’ve gotten pregnant by now. It’s been seven months. We’ve never used anything. We do it all the time. I should be pregnant. There’s got to be something wrong!”
To calm her, he conceded, “Okay, honey, listen. We’ll make an appointment and go check it out. I’m sure they’ll tell you it’s nothing.”
Sighing as she stood between his legs and wrapped her arms tightly around him, she lamented, “I want to have a baby.”
“I know, Risi, and we will.” He coaxed her onto his lap. Charisse allowed him to comfort her. “I love you, sweetheart. God’s gonna bless us with kids. I know He will. We don’t always know why He does things the way He does, but we know His will is perfect, right?”
She nodded.
“He knows how much we love each other, and how much we’re going to love the children He blesses us with. We have to be patient and accept that His time doesn’t always jibe with our time.”
“I know,” Charisse mumbled.
“Kiss me.”
He turned his head up to her and she lowered her lips to his. “I love you so much,” she said through the tears that remained.
“I know. I love you; more than you could possibly know,” he emotionally asserted.
They sat that way for the next few minutes until Stefàn asked, “You gonna be okay?”
“Yeah.”
Patting her backside gently, he said, “Let me jump in the shower. I’m only going to be at the office for a couple of hours today. I’ll meet you back here. You think you can be back here around two o’clock?”
“Yeah.”
“Good, then we can get to the store and get the rest of the stuff we need for tomorrow.”
“Okay.”
“I figure if we get started early enough, we’ll have the rest of the evening to get everything together for this brood.” They were hosting Thanksgiving dinner for both families the next day.
Before rising from his lap, Charisse told him, “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For being such a wonderful husband.”
He smiled as he said, “It’s only fair, having a wife as incredible as you are.”
“I love being your wife.”
“I love being your husband.”
She kissed him once more and said, “Okay, time to go to work.”
Despite Stefàn’s confidence that they would conceive a child in due course, in her heart, Charisse could not be convinced.
Barbara Ellison called her daughter at her office that morning. Charisse’s day was unusually slow, affording her entirely too much time to dwell on what she perceived to be her problem. Barbara picked up on Charisse’s sadness immediately.
“What wrong?” she asked when Charisse answered the call without her typically cheerful greeting.
“Hi, Mommy.”
“Why do you sound so blue this morning?”
“I think something’s wrong with me.”
“What do you mean?” Barbara asked with concern.
“I got my period again today. There must be a reason I’m not getting pregnant.”
“Maybe it’s just not your time, honey.”
“No, Mommy, something’s wrong. I can feel it.”
“Are you in pain?” Barbara asked, echoing Stefàn’s concern of that morning at Charisse’s insistence.
“No, that’s not what I mean. I can feel it in my heart that something is wrong.”
“You’ve never had any gynecological problems, have you?”
“No, but—
“Honey, you’re worrying about this too much. Stressing over it can cause all kinds of problems. Why don’t you relax and let nature take its course. You and Stefàn have plenty of time for children. Besides, once they start coming, the two of you won’t have any more time for yourselves. You should enjoy this time you have.”
“I want to have a baby, Mommy.”
“I understand that, Charisse, but just because you haven’t conceived yet doesn’t necessarily mean there’s something wrong.”
“Mommy, Stefàn and I do it all the time.”
“I’m sure you do. You’re newlyweds who waited until you were married to even go there. I’m sure you’ve been making up for lost time. Nevertheless, don’t presume the worst because you got your period again. As wonderful as motherhood is, take the time to enjoy your husband and your new life together.”
As much as Barbara’s words were meant to give Charisse comfort, they provided none.
She spoke to Myra that day as well, and heard more of the same.
“Risi, I’m sure you’re fine. Maybe God isn’t ready to bless you with children yet.”
Myra had, in the months since she’d been dating Barretto, started attending church more regularly, and although she had not yet joined a congregation, she was vigilant about attending Bible study once a week.
“Why not? Why do you assume that God doesn’t want me to have any kids?” Charisse said, taking Myra’s comment completely out of context.
“I didn’t say that, Risi.”
“Stefàn and I have been faithful and prayerful. We work hard and freely give to the church as well as to other people or organizations in need. God promised that if we did as He told us, He would bless us with the desires of our heart. My desire is to have a child. If it’s not happening, it must be because something is wrong!”
Nothing anyone said could change her mind. Charisse insisted on making an appointment with her gynecologist at the earliest possible time. Knowing how stressed she was over their unsuccessful attempts, Stefàn agreed to accompany her. Even he tried to convince her that as long as she continued to stress over the situation the more likely their chances of conceiving would be reduced, but his words, too, fell on deaf ears.
Two weeks after Thanksgiving, was the earliest appointment they could get with Charisse’s doctor. After explaining their situation, Dr. Chase informed them that a couple was not considered infertile until a year had passed of unprotected sex without conception. He tried to assure Charisse that the case was the same for many couples and that any number of circumstances could be attributed to them having not conceived yet.
Charisse could not accept even his expert opinion. She insisted on being tested. When Dr. Chase saw how upset she was, he agreed to administer the fertility tests simply to calm her. While they were preparing, Stefàn asked Dr. Chase if he should be tested as well, just to save time. The doctor felt that was a good idea.
Ten days later, Charisse received a telephone call at home from Dr. Chase, asking that she and Stefàn come in to see him the very next day. She assumed the worst when he told her that he would not give her any information over the telephone, but would rather wait until they were both together in his office.
When Stefàn arrived home that evening, Charisse was a nervous wreck when she told him about Dr. Chase’s call. Without hesitation, Stefàn grabbed her and held her close. Trying to comfort her, he whispered, “It’s g
oing to be all right. Don’t worry, Risi, everything’s going to be all right.”
“No, it won’t. Doctors don’t call unless something’s wrong. I know it, Stefàn. I just know it.”
“Sweetheart, we can’t assume anything. Let’s wait and see what he says, okay? I don’t want you getting yourself all worked up and we don’t even know what he’s going to tell us. Let’s just wait and see.”
“But, Stefàn—”
“No, buts. Listen, God has already blessed us in so many ways, right?”
“Yes,” she said between sniffles.
“He’s not going to stop now, baby. We’re living right. We’re praising Him every day. Let’s not forget to give Him thanks for what He’s already given us. We need to pray on this, Risi. We need to give this whole situation over to God and let Him work it out for us. We can’t let go of our faith, honey. Now’s the time to hold on tighter than ever.”
“I know.”
The next morning, just before they started downstairs from their bedroom to leave for Dr. Chase’s office, Stefàn reached for Charisse’s hand.
“Honey, let’s say a prayer before we go.”
Stefàn and Charisse knelt beside their bed and Stefàn began by saying, “O God our help in ages past. Our hope for years to come. Our shelter from the stormy blast and our eternal home. Father God, we come today, first, to say thank You for another day of Your amazing grace and Your tender mercy. Thank You for the many, many blessings You have already given us. We thank You for the love we share that is made whole through Your love for us. We thank You for the gift of prosperity which has allowed us to purchase our home and live comfortably in it. We thank You for all of our material possessions, but know that they are nothing in the grand scheme of things. Father, we thank You for our health and happiness and the joy which You have planted in our hearts. We thank You for Your precious son, Jesus Christ, who died for us while we were still lost. Thank You, Jesus, for your sacrifice. Heavenly Father, we ask your forgiveness of our sins. Father, forgive us for anything we may have said, done or thought that dishonors Your Holy Name. And we thank You for being a forgiving God, for we know that Your grace and mercy are sufficient for us today and every day. God, You know the concerns of our hearts. We’re going to see this doctor today to hear his report to find out whether our desire to have a child will be hindered in any way. Father, I ask You to grant us the strength to accept whatever report we are given with courage and the assurance that despite what he may tell us, all things are possible for You. We know that if it is Your will, no matter what, You will bless us with children, and if it is not Your will that we become natural parents, You will continue to bless us in ways too numerous to count. And God, I pray You give us the vision and wisdom to recognize your blessing if it doesn’t come the way we expect. You are our sacred and sovereign Lord, and we give You all honor and glory and praise, Father. We love You and in all things we magnify Your Holy Name. And we ask that the words of our mouths and the meditations of our hearts will be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, our strength and our Redeemer. In the mighty and matchless name of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, Amen, Amen.”
By the end of Stefàn’s prayer, Charisse was in tears. She reached over to hold him and he embraced her warmly, placing a tender kiss on her forehead. They remained in that position for the next few minutes until Charisse murmured, “Okay, I’m ready.”
CHAPTER 21
WHO SAID IT WOULD BE EASY?
Although he tried to put up a brave front, Stefàn was numb as he and Charisse left Dr. Chase’s office. Like a prophet foresees the future, Charisse had called it: there was something wrong. Never in a million years would he have entertained the notion that they might never be able to have children. Assuming that with everything they had going on, God was giving them time to get settled in their marriage, the worst possible scenario became his reality; his truth.
Venturing out on his own only four months ago—leaving the real estate office he had worked at for the last seven years—he had already received commissions on two sales. With the rents from the apartment building in Queens and Charisse’s townhouse, plus her salary and the money they had in the bank from combining their assets, they were well in the black. The purchase of the Brooklyn brownstone had gone through and the renovations would be completed in a couple of weeks if everything continued to go as smoothly as it had been. They had made the decision to sell that property outright as opposed to renting it. Once that sale was finalized, they expected to recoup every cent they’d put into it, and turn a nice profit at the same time.
It had seemed to him that with his marriage to Charisse, their blessings had begun pouring in with abundance, just like it says in Psalm 23: “My cup runneth over.” They paid tithes to their church on everything they received and offerings over and above their tithes because there was no doubt from Whom their blessings came. They were faithful, active members of the congregation of First Baptist. Stefàn had often spoken to Charisse about how much his life had changed for the better since he had come to Christ, and he always thanked her for showing him the Way.
He remembered when they met, she told him there were aspects of her Walk that weren’t easy, but that at those times she would cling all the more to her faith in God to get her through. He knew that was what they had to do now but he had never been tested before, not like this. Ever since he had accepted Christ as his Savior, his life had been filled with good times, laughter and blessings galore.
Why now? Why this?
“Honey, you okay?” Charisse asked as they made their way through the parking lot to their car.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” he insisted with a smile that deceived no one.
“You wanna get something to eat?” she asked.
“No, I’ve gotta get to work.”
“Oh. I thought maybe you’d want to take the rest of the day off.”
“I’ve got too much to do. Besides, it’s too early in the game to start taking time off.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” she solemnly replied. “Do you want to eat out tonight or should I cook?”
“You don’t have to cook. We can order in. I should be home by seven. You’re going in, right?”
Charisse sighed. “Yeah. I would’ve taken the day if you weren’t going in, but I might as well.”
Stefàn opened the passenger door of their car for her but before she got in she hugged him. “Things that are impossible for man are possible for God. I believe that with my whole heart,” she whispered.
Feeling a lump in his throat, Stefàn choked it back as he returned her embrace. “I know, sweetie.”
“I love you, Stefàn,” she said as she looked up at him with watery eyes.
“I love you, too.” Brushing his lips across hers, his hold tightened for a brief moment.
“We’ll get through this.”
“I know.”
He released her in the next seconds and started around to the driver’s side. “Do you want me to run you by the house so you can get the other car, or should I take you to the bus stop?”
“I’ll take the bus,” she replied before ducking into the car.
The drive to the bus stop was made in silence. Stefàn could feel Charisse’s eyes on him but he never turned to her—he stayed focused on the road in front of him. When they arrived at the stop, he pulled to the curb to wait with her.
She glanced at her watch and said, “It should be here in the next few minutes.”
It was the first time they had ever been together with palpable tension between them.
“Do me a favor, Risi,” Stefàn suddenly said, breaking the thick silence. “Let’s keep this between us for now, okay. I don’t want to hear everybody’s opinion of what we should do, what’s going to happen, or none of that.”
“Of course, baby.”
“Here comes your bus.”
Charisse turned and looked out the rear window. Leaning over, she offered her lips to her husband. Gently caressing her fac
e, he kissed her tenderly. “I’ll see you tonight.”
“I’ll be home early.”
“Okay.”
Through the rear-view mirror, Stefàn watched as Charisse boarded the bus that would take her to New York. When the bus pulled around him and continued on its route, Stefàn restarted the car and headed to his office.
HIS CELL PHONE VIBRATED YET AGAIN. He didn’t even have to check. It was the fifth time Charisse had called but he wasn’t planning to answer this time either. He couldn’t talk to her. As numb as he was feeling, he couldn’t do much of anything except nurse his fourth double shot of vodka as the world turned, business as usual.
It was nine-thirty and he’d been at The Den for the last two hours. When he left his office after a totally wasted day, his intention had been to go straight home. When he thought about Charisse and the look he knew she would give him—not one of disappointment, as would be expected, but one of sympathy—he couldn’t face her. After the way she’d carried on, certain that she had some kind of physical dysfunction which was preventing them from having a baby, only to find out that he was the dysfunctional one…. The last thing he wanted was her sympathy.
All these years, he’d been so sure it was his diligence in protecting himself that had kept him from having to deal with “baby’s mama drama.” Ha, you wish! All this time, you’ve been shooting blanks. So much for his machismo. The unconscionable truth fused his mind, body and soul in a foreign uncertainty and the rhythm that had heretofore produced harmony in his life was now off-key. What a devastating blow to his ego. As soon as they’d walked into Dr. Chase’s office, he’d known it was him. He’d sensed it when the doctor looked everywhere around that room except into his eyes. “Low motility,” he’d said. Weak sperm is what he meant, Stefàn knew. He’d wanted to scream at him, “Why don’t you just tell it like it is? I’ve got weak sperm!”
Stefàn was angry. He never bothered to ask Dr. Chase if there was anything that could be done to cure him. As a matter of fact, after the doctor explained exactly what low motility meant, Stefàn had pretty much tuned him out. He couldn’t repeat anything the doctor had said after he heard, “your sperm does not have enough strength to swim through the cervical mucus to penetrate your wife’s egg.” Venturing into a fog, everything after that was blurred; his words a bunch of mumbo-jumbo. Charisse proceeded to grill Dr. Chase; he was aware of that, but he couldn’t even remember what she had asked. He had made an appointment, at Charisse’s urging, to go back for a follow-up exam and testing, but he didn’t even know when that was to take place.