by Tessa Teevan
“I thought you were tired,” I say accusingly.
He chuckles, giving me one last kiss just behind my ear. “I am. Completely exhausted, but so glad I’m here. Tonight, we sleep. We have the rest of our lives to do everything else.”
As I’m drifting off, my last thought is of a forever with Xavier and just how perfect that sounds.
“WAKE UP, sleepyhead,” I say, pushing Xavier’s shoulder.
“Mmm mmm,” he groans, turning over and putting the pillow over his head. I smile down at him. “Too tired.”
“Okay. You don’t have to get up, but I’m leaving for work. I’ll leave a key on the kitchen counter for you.”
The pillow lifts as his head peeks out. “You’re giving me a key to your place? Moving awfully fast, aren’t you?”
I roll my eyes and pick his pillow up to hit him with it. “I’m trying to be courteous, asshat. Do you have to go into work today?”
He flips over onto his back and looks up at me with sleepy eyes. “Nope. I’m off for the day. Hence the whole ‘let me keep sleeping’ thing.”
“Want to stop by the school on my lunch hour? Before getting sidetracked with your presence last night, I really did have something I wanted to talk to you about.”
His eyebrows draw together, so I hold up my hands.
“It’s nothing bad, I promise, and I’d talk to you now, but I really have to get going.”
He doesn’t look like he believes me, but he acquiesces. “Yeah, I’ll come by. Now give me a goodbye kiss.”
Pressing my fingers to my lips, I blow him one. “Nice try.”
He groans, and I laugh. Then I leave the apartment with a smile on my face even though each step that takes me farther from the man in my bed is harder than the last.
THE MORNING passes quickly, and the closer it gets to lunchtime, the more nervous I become. I’m a little out of my element here, and knowing that Xavier will be too, I have no idea how he’s going to react.
“Knock, knock.”
Looking up from my desk, I smile as Xavier enters the room with a bag from the market where he got our food for the picnic.
“What’s all this?” I ask as he hands me a sandwich.
“I figured if I was bringing you lunch, I’d bring it from where we had our first date,” he says, grinning at me as he pulls a chair up to my desk.
I give him a wry smile. “You mean our only date?”
He shrugs. “Don’t worry. I’m going to fix that. I promise. Now, what’s so important that you wanted me to come down here during the school day?”
Sighing, I set my sandwich down and lean back in my chair. A look of nervousness crosses his features.
“Look, Xavier, I don’t want to overstep my bounds here or anything, but Lily came to me yesterday during her lunch and we had a chat.”
He just looks at me.
“Woman to woman.”
He pales and takes a long sip of water. “Oh, God.”
“Hey, it’s not that bad. I promise! It’s just . . . Apparently, ever since she overheard the bra conversation, she’s had it in the back of her mind. And now, girls at school are talking about it. She feels like she needs one. I’ve noticed she’s been wearing baggier shirts, and I think that’s why. She’s feeling self-conscious about her changing body and is trying to hide it. I know this is probably the last thing you want to hear, but she felt comfortable enough to come to me, and I told her I’d talk to you.”
If possible, his tan skin pales even further. “But, but, she’s only ten years old!” he exclaims.
Is it wrong that it’s entirely adorable to watch how uncomfortable he is with this conversation? “Look, Xavier, I was nine when I was got my first training bra. I know you want her to stay a little girl forever, but it’s nature. She’s growing up, and her body is changing. It’s important that you’re comfortable with it, but also that you make sure she is, too. She shouldn’t have to wear oversized shirts to hide her boobs.”
He groans. “Can you please not say that? Jesus Christ.” He buries his head in his hands, and I wait.
Since my dad took off before I could even walk, I’m not sure how he’s feeling. It’s obvious that he isn’t ready for this, but unfortunately for him, nature doesn’t slow down for dads.
“I can’t believe this is happening.”
Leaning forward, I place a hand on his shoulder. “It’s life, buddy. Get used to it. You’ve done an incredible job with her so far. I think you can handle it.”
“Thanks for being there for her, Kalli. I don’t know what she’d have done if you weren’t here for her to seek out for things like this,” he says, melting my heart.
“How many times do I have to tell you that I’ll do anything for her?”
He perks up. “Even go bra shopping?” he asks, hope in his tone.
“Even go bra shopping. But I have two conditions.”
“Anything. I’ll do anything.”
“We take her shopping together. You’re her dad, and she needs to know you can handle this kind of stuff.”
“Okay . . . And the other?”
“You have to repay the favor.”
His eyebrows knit together in confusion. “What?”
“I help Lily pick out a bra, and then, next time we’re alone, you have to do the same for me.”
A wicked grin forms on his lips. “I think I can manage that.”
“Oh, honey. You’ve never been lingerie shopping with me. It,” I say, my eyes flicking down to his groin before looking back up at him, “is going to be very, very hard.”
MY MIND is reeling as I walk out of the school and drive home. My little girl? In a bra? Jesus Christ, wasn’t I just changing her diapers? I’m not ready for this.
“Ma!” I yell as I enter the house.
“Xavier, I’m right here.” Her voice comes from the couch, where she’s curled up under a blanket.
“It’s the middle of the day. Are you napping?” I ask, knowing that Ma hates naps. “Are you okay?”
She sits up and waves off me, per usual. “I had a hard time sleeping last night, so I’m just resting my eyes. What are you doing here? You aren’t due back for another two days.”
“We finished early and got in late last night.”
“But you didn’t come ho—Oh!” she exclaims, clapping her hands together. “Did you stay at Kalli’s?”
“Yes, Ma, I stayed at Kalli’s. In fact, I just came from the school, where I had lunch with her.” I run a hand over my face. “You’ll never guess what she told me.”
“She’s in love with you? Ah! It’s so soon, but so perfect!”
I roll my eyes and let out a sigh. Naturally, that’d be what she thinks.
“No, Ma. There were no love declarations. Jesus Christ, we’ve been on one date. No, apparently, Lily went to talk to her because she thinks she needs a bra.”
Ma’s eyes widen, and then she gets quiet as I quickly recap the story. “Oh, I feel awful. I’ve been preoccupied and I should’ve noticed. I’m glad she felt comfortable enough to talk to Kalli. Do you want me to take her shopping?”
“No, I’ve got it covered. Kalli and I are going to take her this weekend.”
She gives me a wistful smile. “She’s good for you.”
“She is. The best.”
“And not just for Lily, Xavier. She’s good for you, too. I can’t remember ever seeing you this happy. I’m so glad you’ve gotten off your behind and finally gone after that girl. You both deserve happiness.”
“Thanks, Ma.” I lean forward and give her a kiss on the forehead. “You sure you’re okay?”
“Just a little tired, baby. In fact, I’m going to rest my eyes some more.”
“I think a nap sounds perfect. Don’t worry about dinner tonight. I’ll take care of it. Get some sleep.” I start to walk out of the room when her voice stops me.
“You, too. And, Xavier?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m so proud of you. Your father would b
e, too.”
Tears threaten to choke me up, so I just nod my thanks and head down the hall. Even though I’m still freaking exhausted after a few long weeks in the field, sleep alludes me as I wonder how many more changes are in store for me. For all of us.
For the first time, the idea of change doesn’t freak me out. In fact, I think a little bit of change is just what I need.
“YOU KNOW, Dad, you really don’t have to tuck me in anymore. I am in fifth grade,” Lily informs me as if it’s the benchmark grade for when dads no longer kiss their little girls goodnight.
For the first time, I notice she’s been calling me Dad more often than she’s been calling me Daddy, and I don’t like it.
“Maybe I don’t have to, but I want to. Is that okay?”
She sighs then smiles up at me. “It’s okay. But can we keep it our secret? I don’t want anyone to think I’m a little kid.”
I want to protest, to tell her that she is a little kid, but as I look down at my daughter, it’s as if I’m seeing her for the first time. Her usually chubby cheeks are thinning out, she has two teeth missing, and she no longer looks like the baby girl I’ve known for the last ten years. I swallow hard, not ready for this but knowing that it’s inevitable. This whole “growing up” thing is going to be hard as hell.
“It’ll be our secret. I promise.” God, do I really have to do this? As I look down at her sweet face, the last thing I want is to start talking about bras. Here goes nothing. “Look, Lil, I went and saw Kalli for lunch today and she . . . she told me about your talk.”
Lily swallows and turns to look away from me. I place a finger on her cheek so she’ll look back at me.
“Are you mad at me?” she asks in a meek voice.
I want to laugh and cry all at the same time. “Mad at you? Why would I be mad at you?!”
“Because you always tell me not to grow up. And because I talked to Aunt Kalli instead of talking to you.”
“Oh, Lily. It’s just wishful thinking on my part that you’d stay my little girl forever. I know you’re growing up. That doesn’t mean I have to like it,” I tell her, causing her to giggle as I tickle her chin. “As far as Kalli goes, I’m not mad that you would want to talk to her. I’m glad you did. She’s always there for you, okay?”
She nods. “Sometimes, I wish she was my mom,” she says softly, her eyes shimmering with unshed tears.
My throat closes, and I look up at the ceiling for a moment. God, don’t we both, kid? “Hey, she might not be your mom, but she’s your aunt Kalli and that’s even better. She’s not going anywhere. In fact, she’s coming shopping with us this weekend. Does that sound good to you?”
A beaming smile crosses Lily’s lips. “Yes! Thanks, Dad. I love you.”
“I love you, too. And, Lily, this is new territory for both of us. But I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything, okay? You don’t always have to go to Kalli.”
“Okay,” she says sleepily, yawning. “And if you can’t help me out, we’ll go to her together.”
“Exactly. Now get some sleep.” Leaning down, I place a kiss on her forehead then start to move away.
She stops me. “Hey, Dad?” she asks, her voice timid.
“Yeah, Lil?” I ask, looking down at her.
“Do you think . . . ? Will my mom ever come back?”
Dread washes over me. I’ve been anticipating this conversation for a long damn time, secretly hoping it would never actually come up.
“Baby, we’ve talked about this . . .” I trail off, not knowing what to say.
It’s been years since she’s asked why other kids at school have moms and she just has me and her grandma. When she was younger, it was easier to say that her mom had gone away and wasn’t able to come back but she was lucky to have a grandma close by. Now that she’s getting older, I’m not sure she’s going to buy it.
“I know,” she says quickly. “She had to go away. What if that happens with Kalli?” she asks softly.
What if?
I take my time tucking her covers under her chin before gazing down into her worried eyes. Part of me is relieved she’s worried more about Kalli and less about Angela. At the same time, it kills me that, even though she never knew her mother, she still feels those traces of abandonment. I want to reassure her, to tell her that Kalli will never leave, but can I actually do that? Can I say that out loud knowing it’s not my promise to make? Instead, I opt out and turn it back around on her.
“Baby, do you really think Kalli’s going anywhere?”
She wrinkles her brow as if in deep thought. “I don’t think so. Before school started, she said she’d always be here for me, and that hasn’t changed.”
“There’s your answer. You love Kalli?” I ask, wishing I were anywhere but here having this conversation. She nods. “With love comes trust. You have to trust that if Kalli says she’s not going anywhere, then she won’t.”
“I guess that makes sense. I just wish she were around all the time, like she was this summer,” she says with a sigh that quickly turns into a yawn.
My heart tightens at the thought, and I force a smile. “Maybe one of these days,” I blurt out, much to my dismay.
Her eyes widen with excitement, and I rush to amend my statement.
“I mean, in the summer. Next summer, maybe you two will get to hang out daily again.”
“Oh. Well, maybe.” She yawns again, and I take it as my cue.
“All right, Lily. Get some sleep. Love you.”
“Love you, too, Dad.”
As I leave her room, I’m reeling. Lily’s sending me into a tailspin with Kalli adding to the vortex of emotions that are rising to the surface. Just having Lily ask about her mom unnerves me, and I wonder for a split second if I’m allowing her to get too close to Kalli. Almost instantly, I push the thought away, pissed I’d even compare the two. Like I told Lily, with love comes trust, and I trust Kalli inexplicably.
Not that I love her or anything.
Yeah, definitely not that.
But then again . . . Maybe one of these days.
ANY AND all of Lily’s nervousness about bras went out the window after our talk. For the next two days, she was practically bouncing off the walls at the thought of our upcoming shopping trip. By the time we pick up Kalli on Saturday morning, I could never hear the word bra again and I’d be happy.
“Hey, you two,” she says cheerfully as she slides into the front passenger’s seat of my truck. “You ready for this?”
“No,” I grumble just as Lily’s excited, “Yes!” drowns me out.
Kalli grins at me and wriggles her eyebrows up and down. “Don’t forget about our deal, Cruz. I promise it’ll be oh so worth it for you,” she says, giving me a wink.
“What’s your deal?” Lily asks, leaning forward.
Kalli’s grin deepens as she turns to look at my daughter in the back seat. “Oh, your dad’s going to help me pick out some—”
“Rugs!” I interrupt, causing Kalli to laugh.
“Yeah, rugs. Hey, Xavier, have you ever wondered if the carpet matched the drapes?” she asks, causing me to nearly choke. She laughs. “Okay, I’ll stop. Anyway, you know, I’ve never been to Nashville. I’m so excited!”
She and Lily start chatting about the mall and where they want to go. Meanwhile, I’m trying not to stare at Kalli, no longer thinking about bras at all. Nope, my mind is completely on the carpet, and I have a feeling that this is going to be the longest day of my life.
TWO HOURS later, I’m completely wiped and we haven’t even looked at a single training bra. Instead of making this a trip focusing on just that, Kalli and I decided to make it a full-blown shopping trip. Now, however, I wish we’d have gone straight to whatever department store has bras for ten-year-olds and left. God, that sounds wrong even in my head, and I know it’s going to take some time getting used to her new . . . attire.
Fortunately, Kalli looks over at me just as I’m grimacing and takes pity on me. “
Hey, Lily, your dad wants to do some Christmas shopping while we’re here. What do you say you and I take off and finish our own shopping so he can do that without ruining the surprise?”
Lily’s eyes light up at the mention of Christmas even though it’s still a good six weeks away.
If Lily weren’t around, I’d probably say screw anticipation and kiss Kalli right here in the middle of the mall. How does she always read me? She always knows exactly what I need, and not only that, she gives it to me.
“Thank you,” I mouth when she looks up at me. Our lips are so close, and it’d be so easy to sneak in a kiss. Even as perfect as it seems, our first kiss won’t be with Lily watching, so I step back and look at my watch. “Okay, you two have fun. Let’s meet back at the food court at one. Sound good?”
They both nod, and I stand there as Lily takes Kalli’s hand and they walk away, looking very much like mother and daughter. And leaving me wishing very much that it were true.
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING for Ma and Lily took me all of an hour, which unfortunately left me time to kill. After loading up the truck with my purchases, I wander around the mall. As I stroll past Victoria’s Secret, a lingerie set catches my eye. Before I can stop myself, I’m inside and being talked into buying it from one of the sales girls. I know it’s preemptive, considering we haven’t even kissed yet, but I figure I can get away with it as a Christmas gift. Still, it doesn’t quite seem like enough. This thing between us is so new, and I’m so out of practice that I’m not sure what the protocol is in regards to the holidays. Then again, I’ve known her forever, and she’s done so much for Lily and me, so it just seems right to get her something—something other than just lingerie, that is.
With a new mission, I set out into the mall to find the perfect gift, something that isn’t easy for a woman like Kalli. Almost the rest of the time I have later, I’m still at a loss—until I walk past a bookstore and rush inside, finding exactly what I’m looking for. With renewed excitement, I dash out to the truck to make sure it’s hidden then head to the food court, rushing because I’m already a few minutes late.