by Tessa Teevan
“Xavier, calm down,” Ma insists.
I wince at the weakness in her voice. Taking the chair—and a deep breath—I sit back down and let out a deep breath. “Look, I’m sorry. But, Ma, I’ve been going crazy since I got that phone call from Lily. Don’t you think you’ve stalled long enough?”
She sighs but relents. “Earlier this year, around May, I started getting frequent headaches. I tried convincing myself it was just sinus problems, so when Kalli decided to move here, Ginger suggested that a change of scenery might do me some good.”
“So that’s when you two decided she’d be Lily’s nanny for the summer.”
Ma nods. “We figured it’d kill two birds with one stone. Kalli would have a summer job and I could get some fresh air and relax.”
I look back at Kalli, who has a pink blush on her face. She looks down at the floor for a split second then back up at me as she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.
“Okay . . . so, what does that have to do with now?”
“In Gulf Shores, my headaches didn’t get any better. In fact, they worsened. And then one day, I had a seizure.”
Kalli gasps, and I ball my hands into fists.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask, trying to maintain my composure even though I’m pissed as hell I’m just now hearing about this. How could she have kept this from me? I could’ve watched for signs. Symptoms. Anything.
“Xavier, let her explain,” Ginger says softly.
I nod at Ma.
She continues. “Ginger got me to the hospital, and that’s when I found out.”
Part of me wants to strangle her for dragging this out, and the other part doesn’t want to hear what she’s about to say. “Found out what?”
Tear glisten in her eyes, and I brace myself for what’s to come.
“Xavier, I have a brain tumor.”
Suddenly, the room feels too small. My shirt feels too tight. My heart pounds as the words replay as in on a loop. “I have a brain tumor.” Neon warnings signs flash in my mind, and I stand up abruptly and start pacing the room, trying to process what she just said.
Stopping suddenly, I turn back to face her. “You what?” I ask, hoping I heard her wrong. Praying I did.
Her face softens. “I have a brain tumor, and if I want to have any chance of them being able to operate, I need to start chemo.”
“Dammit! Are you kidding me?!” I exclaim, rubbing my hand over my head. My heart is pounding, my chest heaving. Bile rises in my throat. “How in the hell did this happen?”
“I don’t know, honey. There’s no explanation. These things just occur.”
“You’ve known since this summer? Why didn’t you tell me? Why haven’t you been in treatment?”
She sighs. “Xavier, I didn’t want to worry you. I have been in treatment, and I wanted to see if it helped before burdening you with this. This collapse and the tests they’ve run show that the medication and steroids aren’t working. The tumor hasn’t shrunk, and the doctors recommend I start chemo as soon as possible. I’ve put it off for as long as I can. Any longer and I might as well be giving up.”
I sit down, grasping her hand, and my world falls out from under me. Yet I refuse to give up. “We’ll fight this. We’ll do whatever it takes. I’ll make sure to get you to all your chemo appointments. Whatever I have to do, I’ll do it.”
“Honey, it’s not that simple. I wish it were. I have no idea what kind of reaction I’m going to have to the treatment. It’s likely I’ll be sick a lot of the time, and I don’t want you or Lily to have to deal with that.”
“What are you saying, Ma? It’s not ‘dealing’ with anything. It’s taking care of you—like you’ve done for us all these years,” I protest.
She swallows and looks at Ginger, who gives her an encouraging nod. “I’ve decided to move in with Ginger and do my chemo down south with the oncologist who first diagnosed me this summer.”
“Like hell you are!” I explode, and she winces at my tone. “How can I help you from so far away?”
“Xavier, listen to me. It’s only temporary. I promise you—this is for the best. For everyone.”
“What about me? What about Lily?!” I ask, panicking at the idea of being without Ma for the first time in, well, ever.
“You’ll be fine. You both will be. You don’t have plans on going anywhere any time soon, and if something does come up, Kalli and Kale are both here to help out.”
“But . . .” I rack my brain, trying to think of something, anything, to make her change her mind. It’s my duty as her son to take care of her, but I can’t argue her point.
She holds a hand up. “I’ve made my decision, Xavier, so you might as well just stop. I’m going to Alabama and that’s that.”
I hang my head in my hands for a brief moment before looking up at her. The determination in her eyes tells me that nothing I say will get through to her.
“When? When do you go?”
“I’m not starting it until the first of the year. I want to enjoy the holidays without the side effects. I figured we’d spend Christmas at Ginger’s, and then I’ll stay there. That’s why we planned the trip for you kids. I know you’ll be a lot busier without me around, and I’d like to spend time with Lily on the beach before the chemo starts.”
“So, when you two planned this, you already knew about your tumor?”
“No, it had nothing to do with it. I hadn’t had the seizure yet. You boys have spent so many holidays away from home, and we wanted to do something for you. Plus, Ginger was hoping an all-expenses-paid trip to Vegas might lead to Kale elope, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.”
Ginger chuckles and just shakes her head.
“We just want to spend a few days alone with our grandkids. You’re too serious, son, and you never do anything for yourself. I want you to go and have fun not worry about me or Lily for a few short days.”
I open my mouth to speak but she silences me yet again.
“You will not fight me on this. It’s done and paid for, and if I have to put you on the plane myself, I will.”
My shoulders sag as I try to wrap my mind around all this. Defeated, I don’t want to argue. But a brain tumor? I just can’t accept it. But for her, I know I have to.
“Then I guess it’s settled. But you better call me after every appointment or I’m coming down there,” I threaten.
She smiles at me. “I promise,” she says, reaching out to take my hand. “Everything is going to be fine, Xavier.”
Somehow, I don’t believe her. Because right now? It feels like everything’s going to Hell and nothing, absolutely nothing, seems fine.
STANDING THERE as Anna broke the news to Xavier about the tumor was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. As soon as I saw his shoulders sag, I wanted to go to him. I wanted to comfort him. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and promise to never let go. But I held back. I could tell he was trying to process things, and the last thing he needed was me clinging to him. I gave him the space I figured he needed.
When we left the hospital, it was as if he were on autopilot. She was being discharged soon, and Mom promised to bring her home. Anna insisted Xavier go get Lily, and he didn’t even put up a fight. He dropped me off at my apartment with barely a word. I pressed a soft kiss on his cheek, reaffirmed that I was there for him, and hopped out of his truck, not knowing when I was going to see him again.
I didn’t have to wonder long. Even though we’d come home and slept in the early morning hours, I still felt mentally drained from the events of the day and could barely keep my eyes open. Once Mom let me know that Anna was home and comfortable and she’d be staying awhile, I climbed into bed and was almost asleep when I heard my front door open. Somehow, I knew it was him, and instead of getting up to check, I waited for him to come to me. Moments later, the bed dipped and he crawled in beside me, pulling me into his arms much like he had the night before. I wanted to ask if he was okay, but the question seemed too con
trite. He’d tell me what he needed. Or he’d take it. So instead of pushing, I nestled back against him to let him know I was awake. If he wanted to talk, he’d talk. That night, he didn’t.
Nearly an hour later, he pressed a kiss to my temple, whispered a low, “Gracias,” that had my insides quivering, and then left as silently as he had come. I only hoped he’d gotten what he needed.
That’s how the next month went. Mom took a leave of absence from work as she helped Anna pack up and prepare for her temporary stay in Alabama. She was staying with Kale and Lucy, spending more time with Jacob, but spent much of her time at Xavier’s with his mom. I took a back seat, knowing he needed to focus on his family. All the while, it’s been in the back of my mind, wondering what he meant about losing Lily, but he hasn’t brought it up again.
Xavier was spending his days at work and his evenings with his mom and Lily, trying to soak in as much family time as he could before things changed. Whatever was between us came to a standstill, but I didn’t mind. This wasn’t him pushing me away. In fact, we were closer than ever before, even if we didn’t say it out loud. Since that first night Anna was in the hospital, the only alone time we had together was when he came to me at night, and that was okay. He always did.
Night after night, like clockwork, he slipped into my bed just before I fell asleep. And way too early in the morning, he pressed a kiss to my temple and left without either of us uttering a single word.
It didn’t bother me, the stagnancy of our relationship. In fact, I loved that Xavier needed me. That he felt comfortable coming to me. I understood his need for comfort and respected that he didn’t try to overcome his grief by moving things forward physically. Instead, each night, he wrapped himself around me and took what he needed. I just hoped I was giving it to him.
Sometimes, he’d talk about his day. He’d ask about mine. We’d talk about Lily and what she wanted for Christmas. But we never talked about his mom. We never spoke of the future. We simply just talked.
And then, other times, he didn’t say a word. He just held me close, breathed me in, and took whatever solace he needed from the silence. In his taking, he was also giving even if he wasn’t aware of it. The more he needed me, the more he let me know what I meant to him. He may not realize it, but his actions spoke volumes. I was his lifeline. I kept him afloat. And I’d continue to do so for as long as he let me.
The closer it got to Christmas, the quieter he became, yet he still sought me out. I understood his worry. I’d talked to Kale about it, wondering what Xavier had meant about losing Lily. He explained that, without Anna around, it would mess up his Family Care Plan. For weeks, I’d been racking my brain for ways I could help ease his mind, but I was at a loss. He’d offered me Anna’s room before. Would he now? Could I suggest a temporary arrangement that had me moving in? And if so, would I ever be able to leave?
Now that we’re finally in Gulf Shores for the holidays, both of our families packed into Mom’s beach house, I know I’m running out of time. After the long drive, Kale and Lucy take Jacob to bed, and Lily, although claiming she’s too excited to go to sleep, reluctantly gives in when Xavier tells her that it’s time for bed, too. Mom, Anna, and Kaylie are in the living room watching Love Actually—another Montgomery female tradition—and even though I rarely pass up the chance to get my Colin Firth fix, I’m far too restless to sit in front of the television. I need to do something. He’s withdrawing more, and even though we’ve spent every night together, he’s clearly exhausted with worry. In less than a week, he’ll be saying goodbye to his mom, not knowing when she’ll be back. How can I reassure him that everything will be fine when I don’t know if that’s true?
Grabbing a bottle of wine and a blanket, I slip out of the house and walk out onto the beach, relishing the feel of the cool sand between my toes. I set my blanket up, plop down, and press the bottle up to my lips as I stare out at the vast blackness of the Gulf of Mexico. I’ve spent countless hours out here trying to solve the world’s mysteries, and now, I want to see if I can do the same for him.
The moon illuminates the water just enough so I see the swell of the waves. After taking another long swallow, I set the bottle down and lie back on the blanket. I close my eyes to take in the sounds and the smells of one of my favorite places on Earth. It’s calming. Therapeutic, even. And I turn my thoughts back to Xavier, wishing I could find a way to ease his mind.
Telling him that I’m here isn’t enough. I could say it until I’m blue in the face, but this is about Lily. Anna is the only living relative he has. And even though Kale is Lily’s godfather, I’m not sure he’d be considered a suitable guardian for the Army. Now, if he and Lucy were married, I think it would be okay.
Suddenly, a thought crosses my mind, and even though I smile at it, I quickly push it away. Even still, I can’t help but smile dreamily, knowing he’d never go for it. Not in a million years. But Mom always taught me to be a dreamer.
“I would really love to know what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours,” I hear from behind me.
I sit up quickly, nearly knocking the wine over. Twisting, I can see Xavier standing there in the moonlight, a smirk on his face as he watches me.
“It would probably scare you,” I tell him, knowing that it would. I scoot over and pat the space beside me. “Sit with me?”
He readily complies, taking the bottle from me. I watch as he wraps his lips around the tip and have to look away before I start getting any ideas.
“I’ve already told you once that, out of everything that scares me, you don’t. What are you doing out here all alone?” he asks, handing the bottle back as he playfully shoulder-checks me.
“Just thinking.”
“Hmm,” is his reply.
“Hmm,” I echo.
“About?”
Taking a deep breath, I stare out at the water, not wanting to look at him. Not yet. I’ve been his ignorant bliss, the place he could get away from it all. Now, I’m about to take it away from him. We haven’t talking about anything serious since the night at the bar when he told me that he wanted me, and I don’t know how to approach this. If he’ll even be receptive.
“Us. Lily. What’s going to happen with your mom.” It’s the first time I’ve brought it up since the hospital, and I bite my lip as I wait for his response. Out of the corner of my eye, I see him rest his elbows on his knees.
“Remember the night you asked if I was okay? And I said I just wanted to forget?”
I nod, fondly remembering the first time his warm breath teased my neck.
“A few months ago, my commanding officer suggested I go to court to claim abandonment from Angela. To terminate her rights and cover all my bases. Just in case she ever tries to show back up. Now, I’m afraid it’s too late. With Ma and all.”
I turn to gape at him, forgetting everything about us for the moment. “You don’t think she’d actually come back after all these years, do you?”
Unexpected panic rises up in me, and the selfish thought of not wanting Angela to get anywhere near these two makes me feel like a jerk. Until I remember how she left them—willingly.
“No. Hell, I don’t know. I’ve never really had to worry about it with Ma, but now? I have no idea what to do. If I weren’t in the Army, it wouldn’t be a big deal, ya know?” He picks at the blanket, still not looking at me. “But it’s important I have a guardian in place. I can’t lose Lily. When I got the call about the car accident, it terrified me. For a split second, I thought I was going to lose her. I never want to experience that type of fear again.”
I shudder, remembering the frantic call I received from Kale when Lily had been hit by a car and taken to the emergency room. Fortunately, she only had minor injuries and was out of the hospital within a day. Kale was out of his mind with worry, and I assume Xavier was the same.
“I can help,” I whisper softly, placing my hand on his arm.
He finally turns to look at me, his expression resigned.
He gives me a rue smile as he leans over and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “I wish you could, Kalli. More than you know.” He pauses, but I can tell he wants to say more, so I wait. “I feel like everything’s working against us. If there even is an us anymore. We barely take half a step forward before we’re forced to take three steps back. I wouldn’t blame you if you were tired of me.”
“I don’t see it that way, Xavier. Not at all. Sure, life’s thrown some curveballs our way, but it’s nothing we can’t handle. I’m still here. I’ve told you a thousand times I’m not going anywhere. And you’re still here, too. So maybe we’re moving at a snail’s pace, but at least we’re still moving forward, not backwards. We haven’t moved back at all.”
He shakes his head as if in disbelief, the corner of his mouth lifting in a slight smile. “It feels like a standstill to me, and I know it’s my fault. I’ve just been in this crazy headspace, and I have no idea what I’m doing. You’ve been so patient with me this entire time. Sometimes, I worry I’m asking too much of you, but dammit, Kalli, I don’t want to let you go, either. The only thing that’s keeping me going right now is you. I know it’s not much, but each night when you let me in, I have a few short hours of solace where I can just forget everything. You keep giving, and I keep taking. You get nothing.”
I get you. The thought is right on the tip of my tongue, yet I hold back, unsure of how he’d react. He has no idea how much his words are touching my heart. Just hearing him admit it out loud made every single sleepless night with him worth it, and I’ll continue being that person for as long as he needs.
“I understand that, Xavier, and it’s why I haven’t pushed you for more. As much as I’d like to be, I’m not really a selfish person. Anna has done so much for you and Lily, and I get that you’re not exactly in the right place right now for a relationship. I would expect nothing less than for your attention to be on her. I just worry about you.”