I’m freezing – so cold – so cold – I can’t do anything – I can’t leave – I’m cold – I must stop too cold – too cold.
Gloria’s Helper
AUTOMATIC LETTER 70
Wednesday night
Dear Adam,
I’m in a strange trance – awake yet not awake – my dream or Gloria’s is taking me straight to the attic. I’m calm yet stricken with helpless, desperate fear for those I love and for Gloria and myself – it’s the fear of an abandoned little girl who is trying to act grown up. All is silent downstairs – I’m in the attic – afraid he’ll see me – quickly I blacken the window with dirt from a flower pot because I see him sitting on a stump with something bloody in his hands – he’s waiting for me to get back from school – now I stand stock still. I must see downstairs – maybe all is not lost.
“You’re all right little girl you’re in control of yourself now stay calm, you’re inside, he’s outside. He doesn’t know you’re here,” I tell myself all this but a terrible feeling of panic is hurting my chest all over. I try to get air a knife seems to stab me and my stupid forty-six pounds, won’t budge. I have to make my legs move – downstairs go down now be careful – oh, my God – I’m coming undone – Humpty Dumpty – crashes – destroyed all – everyone – I LOOK – I can’t do anything – someone hold me, please hold me – I must scream – I can’t cry. I back up against the wall – savagery surrounds me.
I see the true nature of a human’s betrayal awful – awful – hold me – help me quickly. I must go back in the attic – it’s all right little girl, it’s all right – quickly now upstairs and live – live – live – don’t stay and die like an animal – live you must – you must.
I’m behind the screen again – I’m so cold – several hours are lost – a whole sequence of time just blacked out – oh, yes I’ll be frozen all my life. I know that downstairs something horrendous – but it’s a dream. I command my unconscious to get me out emergency alert –- will Gloria out of the dream horror – handle this or you’ll lose her – this is a terrible dream and it’s icy cold behind this screen – come out Gloria it’s a dream and dreams cannot hurt you dreams cannot hurt you, hear me – thoughts reach in to soothe you –you’re a person – a worthwhile person – no dream can scare you – come out now this minute get away from that now – think of Adam – think of Adam he’ll help you out of this cold – help – Gloria think it’s a dream – there that’s better – it’s okay. Whew! Goodnight Adam – very tired!
Gloria’s Helper
AUTOMATIC LETTER 71
Saturday night
Dear Adam,
When I awoke tonight, I thought I might have had a nightmare I felt tired, achy, and cranky as though I had not had a good night’s sleep – now I remember Gloria had the bad dream, I do not sleep ever – I’m watching the “Other”, he can’t see me but I can see him, he’s winging the ax up and down through the air – I do wish he would put it down. I’m only six years old and he is pretty scary. He has killed already you know, he even severed a hand at the wrist, I saw it lying there downstairs it was not a very nice sight – nor was all of that blood – and he who once was like a grandfather to me is now a bad stranger – why I was the only one allowed to use the short cut between our homes and his wife (Gloria’s sister) would call me in to have strudel a very special pastry that little girls like me love.
Here as I talk about pastry with Grandpa Butcher out there – he’s stabbed too. I’m screaming but only in my mind – thoughts reach in but not soothing thoughts – I do not know this person anymore – I have never known him. His mouth is a cruel slash, his nostrils flare, his eyes are too bright like glass and he’s waiting to kill me his little friend.
Trembling, I think this is a dream – all is well and those downstairs safe – I am safe – no fear – no hurt – no danger – no killing – no blood – no DEATH – NO DEATH – but it is not a dream their under the thick layer that is woven together. I know there is death – but not mine – not yet. I won’t be taken by surprise but how will I fight a giant of a man.
I’m just a little power but I won’t die like a dog, no way. I’ll not let someone put me away that quick. Somehow, I’m going to LIVE. I have a lot of dreams to make come true and I won’t die – I won’t! Oh! Oh! Oh! A mouth and eyes the mouth is wrapped around a terrible scream and the eyes are screaming too – a child screams the child is all eyes and mouth. I can’t see who she is this little girl so terrified. I cannot see who but I feel her fear – I must see!
I become the future – I still hear the scream and I feel the scare the fear is so dark. I cannot see her but somehow I know that little child is little Gloria – the screams go on and on. It ends with a fall – the impact of the ground the darkness the hurt. I shiver, I’m so cold – I’ll never be warm again. I’m so cold it’s not over – this is not a story or a movie it’s for real – screams float in the air – a child falls outside – you bad, bad man. I’m so cold – a horrible thing to know at six years old that you’re a little coward and despair and shame fills me – it’s hard to hold back the tears and be still when your heart is breaking.
I saw him coming only because I was there at the window – you can’t see people coming from any other part of the house because of the trees and the bend in the driveway. I saw him and did nothing – I saw what he did and I went back into hiding. I scream inside its icy cold and I can’t stop my cowardly shivering. I am so scared my eyes are crying with no tears – I saw them there downstairs – blood – agony and all I did was go back upstairs.
I hear the click of a doorknob and from the sound someone has entered downstairs it’s got to be him – I don’t see him at the tree stump there’s a child on the ground where he was – no hands bloody – hide the scream quickly – I’m so cold – don’t move – don’t shiver – don’t make a sound and live – live – but again, I’ll know if I live that I was a cowardly little girl like the cowardly lion in Oz – be still – be still not a sound. I’m so cold shudders down my spine – drops of water run down my back and I’m freezing – someone is coming up – heavy footsteps – my heart beats so fast – I’m so icy cold.
Gloria’s Helper
AUTOMATIC LETTER 72
Tuesday night
Dear Adam,
My little friend Gloria is in a trance – every so often a little shiver hits her – but tonight hunger will not keep her awake. Adam you are the dearest, sensitive, kindness person we have ever known. You literally saved our life.
You know what God says in the Bible, “When you give bread to the hungry person, you give bread to Me.” Well tonight you gave a feast to a person and to God as well. Also you gave a little girl proof that she is worth something – no one would do what you did for someone not worth anything – more, you did it in a beautiful way as if it was a normal thing that a son would do for a mother he loved and Gloria and I were touched very deeply. We shall never forget it – last we will never forget what the words “friend” and “love” mean. God bless you and loves you dearly as we do.
Now, for the dream Gloria had. She’s still in the ax nightmare. Right now I see her a little girl hiding. She remembers asking her sister once what dying meant – it was like going to sleep and never waking up and she had realized that if you never wake up you might never be able to stop dreaming and she didn’t want to die and always dream of the nightmares she had seen downstairs.
She’s there behind the screen and she can’t move and it’s getting dark – a darkness you can still hear through – the door is opening and she’s not even hardly breathing – she’s thinking “you don’t know where I am but I know where you are” – and then she hears someone say, “Dear God, I just had to get away for a few minutes in all my years as a cop I’ve never imagined anything like what I just saw,” and another voice answers, “I know, I let myself out to throw up,” and “that little girl out there let’s not talk about it,” and she thinks “what little gi
rl out there” I’m here – then realizes that some screams she had heard later and the little body near where the man had hid was another child killed. He thought he’d killed Gloria but it was another child coming back from school – and she realized that she was the cause of the child getting killed because she had said nothing again – it shocked and shamed her – too many people killed because of me and my cowardice – you cannot close a mind to it – then she came back to hear the person say, “Thank God, no one’s here,” and her little voice said, “I’m here,” one asked, “Did you hear that?” and the other said, “I sure did.” “Where are you little girl” and the little girl asked, “You first, who are you?” He answered, “I’m a policeman and so is my friend, come out of wherever you are,” and the little girl said, “Lift up your hat so I can see,” and she thought the man said, “Damn,” but two police caps were lifted up, and she came out but when one went to pick her up she held back and he said, “Oh, come on little sweetheart, I have a little girl like you and you need a father’s shoulder to cry on right now.” But she couldn’t let him because she had wet herself when she got so scared and she felt ashamed and didn’t want him to know. The policeman said, “Oh, hell the poor kid must have heard the uproar and is scared to death,” and he asked, “Did you hear?” she answered, “I heard and saw,” and after that the little girl wouldn’t talk for a month.
She was sent to live with a relative to make her forget but she never forgot, nor did her heart ever let her forget that one lady she gave water to downstairs who said, “Bless you child, I’m dying, get away from here fast,” but maybe she was not dying – and the hand that rolled at her feet and oh, I just have to get out of this terrible dream. I’m so cold and my head hurts so but my heart hurts even more because this is the person, you think is worth saving – I’m freezing.
Gloria’s Helper
AUTOMATIC LETTER 73
Wednesday night
Dear Adam,
It was just tonight after a bad dream that I realized that I’ve never put into words in a letter to you, one of the worst fears that a child like Gloria had. This was the fear of going insane and getting locked up for life.
As often as she was able to she would ask if anyone of the family – the old people had ever lost their mind and no one ever questioned why a child should inquire about this but she always told that no one had. Sometimes when fear takes over the safety valves of the mind fails to operate and all kinds of things happen when your mind tries to cope with big problems – things like nervous tics begin (like Gloria if she tried to lie to the “Other’ her left eye would twitch) or a person can’t concentrate. Her grades began to go down at school and she got scared and desperate when she’d get 95% instead of a 100%.
Trying to find a safe frequent change of shelter each night was a potential source of danger for a child, which exposed her to all sorts of danger. Like the day when the “Other” asked Gloria, “Have you ever seen a live animal skinned? No, well tonight you are going to see one but you won’t like it.”
Early that night, she was adrift again, facing more and more closed doors – the barn door was closed – people weren’t home, she left for the cemetery but her movement roused a dog to fierce barking followed soon by others in the distance alerting people to an intruder and an old man came out to see at the cemetery – for lack of a better alternative she returned back. She became desperate in her mind and she feared that she a little girl would break down, go crazy, and be sent to a mental institution. As her strange feelings got worse she’d ask herself, “How long can you stand this? What does it take to drive a person crazy?” She had never known anyone who had a nervous breakdown so she went to the library one day and looked up the symptoms.
She found descriptions that fitted her so perfectly that she was more afraid than ever – depression, crying for no reason, (like when she’d hide) anxiety, nervousness, being afraid of people. She pictured herself locked up with bars on the window and thought, “I’d rather be dead.” Then she’d feel so low that death seemed like a way to get peace. An idea would tell her, “If you kill yourself it will be all over. You wouldn’t have to live like this day after day.” So she’d shut herself off in the forest and write down or say, “Gloria you’ve got so much to live for,” and she’d make long lists of why she shouldn’t die. She did this for months when she’d find a temporary shelter like a haystack or tree top.
I’m telling you this because she has started doing the same thing now wondering if she’s losing her mind. Gloria needs your strength to reassure her that she isn’t – I won’t let her mind go and you won’t let her either will you??? You are our lifeline. You’ll pull us back if we get stuck won’t you? I’ll await any instructions you may have to give me okay?
But on no account let us lose our sanity – we’re intelligent enough to follow instructions so it needn’t happen that we’d have a mental breakdown – help us – please we’re afraid.
Gloria’s Helper
AUTOMATIC LETTER 74
Saturday night
Dear Adam,
In my sleep tonight, I dreamed I was an actress ready to go and get in a play. I was numb with terror. I knew I would never be able to go through with it. I was going to be violently ill. I could feel it coming on and I know I wouldn’t remember a single line. I’d make an idiot of myself and disgrace my whole family. It would be better if, I just walked out of there. Then my Pyramid Lady came by, put her arms around me and said, “You’ll be just fine. I’d be worried if you weren’t nervous. Just go out there.” So I went on the stage and I was a big success.
I guess that’s what life is all about “going on”. Coping. Forging ahead. We’re brought up on fairy tales and we believe them. It isn’t true. We all find that out eventually. The weak give up and accept defeat. The strong face facts for what they are, and make the best of things. We accept that fact that we’re all humans and that if we can forget the pain of insanity and face the reality of the present, and keep going on the present is not so bad after all and who knows if we might find happiness in the future.
Well enough for tonight. See you Thursday. How do you like Gloria’s scented paper? She left it there so I used it.
Love as Always,
Gloria’s Helper
AUTOMATIC LETTER 75
Sunday night
Dear Adam,
Gloria had so many bad dreams tonight that I can only remember fragments of them – in one she had twin girls who gave her so much trouble she was sorry she had them yet she loves babies. She spent the night sleeping fitfully and at times straining to hear if someone were in the house
Fears grown over many years don’t lose their hold so easily. She got up once and checked all the doors and windows to make sure they were locked. Her better judgment (me) told her there was nothing to be afraid of, that nothing had ever happened here to justify her feeling of fear and just as she went back to bed the ceiling cracked loudly three times. She still could not shake off her anxiety; it was almost forbidding tonight. In spite of all her precautions she was still apprehensive till finally she put on her ear plugs. She realized she had always been afraid of the dark and of lonely rooms-when to her surprise morning came. She felt that God had kept faith with her – somehow she had survived the night alone and she hadn’t died. Tonight would be bad but not quite so bad and maybe tomorrows will be less so until finally she could learn to conquer herself – but she can never do it alone – we need your help with this again.
One dream she had was of hands and a face – great hands that would not let her go – and her eyes would open then close – next her eyes might not open and the hands might keep hold of her as the large face leaned down between them, a huge blurred glowing face that she could almost see – once she saw it clearly, the hands would never let her go. She opened her eyes but could still see the face growing bigger and closer – she was clutching the blanket but that didn’t help – she could roll off the couch as the face that was almost
not blurred filled the dark above her.
Well you see how these dreams were and I guess not much help in gaining insight but it’s all I can remember. Thank God you’re with us or we’d never make it – please don’t give up on us we’re really trying to help even though we’re not – with your help we can’t fail so don’t give up okay.
Goodnight now,
Gloria’s Helper
Who Doesn’t Help Much
AUTOMATIC LETTER 76
Monday night
Dear Adam,
Tonight I dreamed my daughter, Madison was a little girl and I couldn’t find her. I entered my dream through an alleyway made of stones. I could hear children crying and the sounds of shovels, hitting against the earth. It’s raining and the ground is slippery; as I run mud splashes up and coats my legs, turning them the color of blood.
This is what I know. Someone has taken her daughter. Someone has put a fence ringed with spikes. Someone is screaming in the distance. There are other children here with no one to care for them but I have no time for them. I run faster. My heart is pounding. I reach the shelter I’m looking for and when I go inside all I can see is one bed after another. Rows and rows of iron beds made up with white sheets. This is the children’s house. This is the place where they’re given food and water every day, but there is still no one to hold them. As I walk through the shelter, children cry out to me, babies lift their arms begging to be picked up. They all look the same to me, that’s what’s horrible. They look like Madison but they’re not her. I know I will recognize my own daughter, I must. There she is, in a small bed pushed against the wall.
Gloria Rising: A Story of Hope and Survival In Dark Evil Places Page 12