‘I am normal.’
‘Lili, you don’t have to be defensive with me. Hell, you’ve been inloco parentis for fourteen years. And in that time, how many dates have you had?’
‘I’ve had dates.’
‘Have you had sex?’
Lili’s eyes flashed. ‘None of your business.’
‘Since when?’ Sylvia’s made what Lili called her probing face. ‘Let’s see, the strange case of the vet in the night?’
‘We had sex, damn it!’
‘Ah, but what kind of sex does one have with a vet?’
‘It was okay.’
‘Okay.’ Sylvia spun this simple word into a drawn out indulgence.
‘Well, the earth didn’t move, granted.’ Lili grinned. ‘The cat was pretty ill at the time; I was distracted by the size of the bill.’
‘You had sex with her and she still charged you for a sick cat?’
‘Never thought about it like that. She was very pretty, mind. Just not … my type.’
‘So, the wardrobe door didn’t fall off?’
Lili almost choked on her wine. ‘Oh, Sylvia, you do make me laugh. It’s not that simple though. I wish it were.’ She waved her arm. ‘I live here, not Cardiff, where there’s a bit of choice. Who am I going to meet other than vets marking time or pushy women who think lilacs have no soul?’
‘Ah ha.’
‘Ah ha, yourself.’
‘Tell.’
Pomona’s face – all at once and clearly – appeared in front of her. She reminds me of a gypsy and she’s trying to captivate me.
Lili thought Sylvia hadn’t noticed.
‘Is the pushy woman a contender?’
‘I was rather rude to her.’
‘Did she deserve it?’
‘Not really. She triggered stuff, that’s all. It wasn’t her fault.’
‘So, nothing that can’t be put right?’
Lili refilled her glass.
‘Otherwise,’ Sylvia said, ‘looks like you’re doomed to celibacy, cariad bach. At least think about coming to live in Cardiff, before you wither away to dust.’
‘Stop it!’ Lili was giggling now, leaning back in her chair.
‘You can live in my studio and write your books. We can collude over wine and cake. At least there’ll be some hope for you.’
‘Your generosity is noted.’ Lili sat up. ‘And speaking of cake – more please.’
Sylvia cut a slice of apple cake and slid it onto Lili’s plate.
‘Syl, right now, I’m more worried about Cadi.’
Helping herself to cake, Sylvia said, ‘She’s such a love. Each time I see her, I can’t get over how she’s changed.’
‘Don’t you think she looks pale?
‘A bit, I suppose. And what are those scratches on her face?’
‘She got in a fight with an overhanging branch.’ Lili shrugged. However tempted she was to confide in Sylvia, breaching Cadi’s confidence was out of the question.
‘Well, that apart, I think she’s changed. She looks older.’
‘Most of the time she seems the same. I suppose it’s different for me, I’m with her all the time.’
‘And thereby hangs another tale?’
‘It’s the same one. And where Cadi’s concerned, I wouldn’t change a thing.’ She paused. ‘I wish…’
In the distance, the church clock struck the hour.
‘You wish it was easier with Violet.’
‘Poor Violet,’ Lili said, half to herself. ‘I think she’s the most unloved of us all.’
Forsaken by her father, then her mother – poor Violet – her baby lost to her and finally, abandoned by Teilo. And now Owen was messing with her head. As she reached for her wineglass, Lili found a good deal of her anger toward Violet dissipating. The other day she had been ready to rip her head off, now she felt only pity.
‘Yes, I wish it was easier.’ She paused. ‘With Cadi, I mean. I don’t know what she’s thinking anymore.’ A lie disguised as a confidence isn’t really a lie. Lili knew perfectly well Cadi was thinking about her father and her sister, about ghosts and secrets. She gulped her wine. ‘I can read Violet like a book.’
‘Can you? I can’t.’
‘Most of the time.’
‘Do you want me to talk to Cadi?’
‘To be honest, Syl, I don’t know.’ Lili shook her head. ‘All this stuff about Teilo is getting messy. She’s asking questions. I told Violet she would.’ She hesitated. ‘Cadi trusts me and I don’t always deserve it. She thinks her mother’s a monster and I’m worse because I won’t make Violet tell her the truth.’
‘Where is she?’
‘Indoors, working on her school project. I ask you, what normal kid gets her homework sorted halfway through the school holiday?’
Sylvia laughed. ‘Not us, that’s for sure.’
Lili shaded her eyes. ‘She’s been in there for ages. She spends far too much time alone.’
‘I thought she was being thoughtful, giving us a bit of time together.’
‘She is.’
‘It’s my fault, I’m a distraction. I’ll go and get her, drag her off for a walk.’
As Sylvia wandered into the cottage Lili recalled how, within weeks of meeting, they had shared all the important information about their lives. For Sylvia, filling in the gaps had been easy. Her life was an open book, her secrets minimal. Lili’s seemed marked by foolish choices and tragedy.
Waving a scrap of paper, Sylvia came back. ‘I found this.’
Lili leapt to her feet. ‘What does it say?’
Sylvia handed the note to Lili.
Gone to the lake to think.
Don’t worry. Back soon.
Love Cadi.
‘Shall I go after her?’ Sylvia said.
‘Wretched girl, I’ll swing for her.’ Lili screwed up the note. ‘After the last time… Oh damn, I don’t know. Hell’s teeth, Syl, if Violet finds out she’s been to the lake again it’ll be world war three.’
Sylvia hugged her. ‘I’ll go and have a look. Don’t worry, sweetie, she’ll be fine, trust me.’
Forty-one
A heron flew up, the slow stretch of it at the corner of her eye.
On the far side of the lake, willows trailed and water lilies floated on the dark surface. With her back to the Sleeping Stone, Cadi wondered how deep it was. If she were to dive down far enough, might she discover the palace where the twelve princesses danced their shoes to shreds each night? Cadi knew all about fairytales. And she lived next door to a lake with the power to make you believe in anything.
Especially ghosts. Even though the ghost of her sister was hiding, Cadi sensed her. And in daylight she could set aside any lingering fear.
Dora isn’t here, not today. She didn’t know how she knew this. It was like losing your way and not worrying because you knew the path would reappear. Imaginebeing a child and a ghost and being all alone. I don’t think Dora has a clue where the path is.
Imagine dying and the only clue to who you were was a doll stuffed behind a bed and a bangle lying in a lake. Or a picture in a dusty box under a bed with your face cut out. She raised her head and listened. Her father’s ghost wasn’t here either.
Violet’s motive for hiding the photographs still puzzled Cadi. How angry did a person have to be to disfigure a picture of their own dead husband? How grief-stricken to hide every memory of her child? Did Violet even care that Teilo had died? He’d crashed his car. It was an awful way to die. Did she weep in private for him? She never did in public.
Perhaps she only cried for Dora.
Cadi frowned. However sad Dora’s death must have been, Teilo’s must surely have been tragic too? His brakes failed and he hit a tree. And yet Violet didn’t seem to care.
Having seen the pictures it was easier for Cadi to place Dora in context. Teilo on the other hand seemed further away than ever. I wonder if it’s the same for Lili.
Was it different, losing a brother? I’m going round in c
ircles again. She wondered if Lili was lonely. Everyone said how close she and Teilo had been. After Gwenllian and Iolo died, her father had given up his bedsit over the garage and moved back home to be with Lili. She must have missed him so much when he died too.
Cadi wondered about the man in the churchyard. He was more important than Lili let on. She watched the sun until it dipped behind the uppermost branches of the trees and listened for Dora. The silence lay like a delicate net.
Lili will be getting worried. She wanted not to care.
Making her way between the trees she looked behind her, still slightly apprehensive. Filaments of spider silk caught on her arm. She touched her finger to a large web taking care not break it. She heard birds, insects and a whisper of breeze. It was hard to believe anything frightening could happen here. She looked for the tree with the branch that had ripped off and cut her face. There was no sign of it.
As she rounded the bend onto the track, Sylvia appeared.
‘Hi.’ Sylvia grinned and Cadi found herself smiling back. ‘I thought I’d take a stroll before I have to leave.’
Lili sent you to check I hadn’t flung myself in the water more like. Cadi wasn’t angry, she liked Sylvia.
‘Lili said…’
‘Lili knows Mam will go ballistic if she finds out I’ve been to the lake and when she read the note, she panicked.’ Cadi stopped herself from shrugging. It wasn’t Sylvia’s fault. ‘Sorry. At least I left a note.’
‘Yes. I found it.’
‘We can go back if you like – if you want to see the lake.’
‘No, you’re alright. I can see it anytime.’
Like a slap, Cadi felt a sting on the back of her neck, and Sylvia’s fear of deep water swept through Cadi like a current.
She nodded. ‘Okay.’ She scuffed the toe of her canvas shoe in the dust. ‘I go to the graves too, you know. And Lili does, we go together sometimes.’
Sylvia said nothing.
‘Violet doesn’t know about that either. Or she pretends not to. She must see the flowers we leave.’
‘Yes, I suppose she must.’
‘I’m pretty sure she never comes to the lake though,’ Cadi went on. ‘She makes such a massive deal about me not coming here; I can’t believe she ever would.’ Cadi laughed. ‘She thinks it’s evil, how crazy is that?’
‘It must be hard for her, for all of you.’
Cadi pulled at a grass stalk, sliding off the seeds, scattering them onto the path. ‘When I was a kid and she went into weird moods, it used to scare me. I’d try and cheer her up, make her feel better. I’d make stuff for her, make-believe tea and cakes, do daft spells.’ She smiled, a half embarrassed twitch of her mouth. ‘Kids’ stuff, you know. Then she’d change back and I’d think they’d worked.’
Sylvia grinned. ‘You’re a chip off the old block, aren’t you? I better watch myself or you’ll turn me into a toad.’
Cadi threw her a look.
Sylvia said, ‘I’m sorry, cariad – that was crass.’
‘It doesn’t matter.’
‘You know more about magic than you let on, don’t you?’
‘Magic’s easy. It’s real life that’s complicated.’
Sylvia left another space.
‘All these secrets. I’m sick of them.’
‘You mean the one about your sister?’
Cadi shrugged. Sylvia sat down on the verge and patted the grass beside her.
Letting someone in can put you at risk. Being angry was hard work and although she’d known Sylvia since she was a baby, Cadi still hesitated.
‘I shan’t tell anyone,’ Sylvia said. ‘Not even Lili. I promise.’
Sitting next to her, Cadi leaned her arms on her knees. ‘I don’t know when I first realised about Dora. Any time I’ve ever asked Violet it’s been horrible. Lili’s as bad when I mention Teilo. She’s such a hypocrite’
‘It must make you feel dismissed.’
Cadi wasn’t sure how to react. Having her feelings considered was unexpected. She guessed Sylvia knew the truth, or at least some of it.
‘I hate that they keep so much from me,’ she said. ‘And I hate Violet, but I love her too. I can’t explain it.’ She paused. ‘She hit me once. We were at the seaside. I was only little. I got it into my head Mam had lost the baby, you know, like losing your book or something. I was too young to realise lost meant Dora had died.’
Sylvia listened.
‘If it wasn’t so pathetic it would be funny. It isn’t funny though, not to me.’
‘Of course it isn’t. It isn’t pathetic either.’
‘What about ghosts?’
‘Ghosts?’
‘Is believing in ghosts pathetic?’
‘I believe in them.’
Sylvia sounded so matter-of-fact Cadi looked at her in astonishment. ‘Do you?’
‘I saw one once.’ Sylvia grinned. ‘Honestly. A few years ago I saw my granny in the kitchen. She was ever so old when she died – over ninety – and there she was, in my kitchen, smiling at me and looking thirty years younger.’
‘Wow.’
‘Yes.’ Sylvia nodded as if the memory pleased her. ‘I never saw her again. I’d have liked to.’
Don’t tell…
Dora’s voice whispered in Cadi’s head. She drew in her breath, no longer wanting to talk about ghosts. ‘Sometimes I really can’t stand my mother. That’s awful, isn’t it?’
Sylvia made a face. ‘If I said I wouldn’t mind a pound for every time I wanted to strangle mine, or have my boys adopted, would it help?’
Cadi chewed on another stem of grass and said nothing.
‘It’s true,’ Sylvia went on. ‘Danny and Joe are my life but sometimes I have to ask whoever’s in charge why I was never blessed with daughters. You’ve met my boys, you know what I mean. They spend so much time in blacked-out bedrooms on computers, I wonder sometimes if they have reflections.’
Cadi laughed. Even though they were older and barely noticed her, she didn’t mind Danny and Joe.
‘My mother’s a depressive, love her,’ Sylvia said. ‘And I’m ashamed of some of the thoughts I’ve had about her.’ She plucked a piece of honeysuckle out of the hedge behind them. ‘The point is we can’t usually change what life throws at us; we can decide how we deal with it. We can get used to anything if we put our minds to it.’ A smile lit up her face. ‘Mothers eh? Who needs them?’
‘There ought to be a rule book.’
‘Now there’s a thought.’ Sylvia tucked the honeysuckle into Cadi’s hair. ‘I could illustrate a book like that.’ She reached out her hand and pulled Cadi to her feet. ‘You know, just because people tell you Violet loves you, it doesn’t mean you have to feel comforted. And it’s okay to feel angry, or not like her.’ She took Cadi’s arm. ‘It never comforts me when people say that sort of thing about my mother. Mostly, it makes me want to slap them.’
I’ll never feel comforted.
The conversation came to an end. They were back at the cottages and Lili was waiting by the door.
Over supper, Lili and Cadi were unable to persuade Sylvia to stay the night.
‘It’s Monday tomorrow,’ Cadi said. ‘Nothing important happens on a Monday. Not in the holidays.’
Sylvia laughed and her earrings swung like silver wind chimes. ‘No, I suppose not, but remember, lovely girl, I have a grumpy husband, two brain-dead kids and a mad mother back in Cardiff all in need of my devoted attention.’ She winked and Cadi gave a little shrug.
‘Alright,’ she said. ‘I’ll miss you though. We will, won’t we, Lili?’
Lili agreed with restraint, not wanting Sylvia to guess how much she would be missed.
Washing dishes with Lili later, Cadi asked her if she knew Sylvia was scared of deep water.
‘She’s terrified,’ Lili said. ‘Always has been. She fell off a diving board when she was a kid and nearly drowned. How do you know?’
‘I think I saw it.’ Cadi turned to face Lili. ‘I think I
can see when people are scared.’
‘Since when?’
‘Since the other week. I keep getting pictures of what people are frightened of, like spiders and ghosts.’
‘You mean phobias?’
‘I guess. I get a sensation on the back of my neck, then the image.’
‘Goodness.’
‘Cerys is terrified of flying. When I saw that, it was really strong.’
‘And you saw Sylvia’s fear of deep water?’
‘I think so. It was very quick. Like Mam and ghosts.’
‘And me?’
‘I don’t get anything from you.’
Lili grinned. ‘I don’t do irrational fear.’
‘It’s the Hopkins thing, isn’t it?’
‘Yes. All the Hopkins women have a gift. And it’s around this age you work out what yours is.’
‘I’m not sure I like it.’
‘You’ll get used to it.’
We can get used to anything if we put our minds to it.
Cadi nodded. ‘Sylvia’s cool, isn’t she?’
‘Yes?’
‘Yes. She doesn’t confuse me.’
Forty-two
Violet woke to the sound of church bells.
The tuneless monotony sounded to her like a dirge and made her skin itch.
They would shun me for a witch if I showed up in their chapel. Sheallowed herself a slight smile. Now there’s an irony, they’d positively welcome Lili.
If she stopped wanting things to be different, might she find a relief in the tolling of bells? And even if it were possible to change her life, what would she do instead? Who would she be?
Violet found a measure of contentment in sadness, even a little madness. Existing all these years in her isolated state had created its own kind of benign insanity.
Watching as Sylvia drove away the previous evening, Violet felt the usual conflict: relief there was never any pressure on her to join the party, at the same time, plagued by the idea the two of them might have been discussing her. She had arranged an extra shift at work to avoid spending time with Sylvia and Lili.
Violet was self-aware enough to know she was difficult to be around. Rubbing the scar on the edge of her hand, she decided she hardly cared.
Had she been asked, Violet would have said she found it hard to remember much of what happened following the first tragedy. She had been so full of anger, it had been easy to use Teilo as a distraction from her despair. On the day he came back without her daughter, in her anguish Violet lashed out to strike him.
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