by Vella Munn
When they reached her place, Terron opened the door but remained outside.
“I’m sorry you’ll be so late putting your groceries away,” she said. “Thank you for everything you did today.”
“You’re welcome.”
Two simple words that said nothing about what he was thinking or feeling. He’d walk away, enter his space, leave her to hers. It was what she needed, wasn’t it? Time and space designed for patching her life together.
But instead of doing what was safe, her numb legs erased the distance between them. Then she was looking up at him with their separate body heats meeting and there was nothing else. She wrapped her left arm around his neck and rose onto her toes.
He responded as she needed him to. Placed his hands on either side of her waist and lowered his head. Their lips met, sealed. Spoke. She was dizzy and alive, willing to hand him a part of her heart if just for tonight. Seconds ticked past, her calf muscles protested, and she had trouble breathing and still she kissed this good man.
Her body, long in hibernation, remembered what it meant to be a woman, prompting her to arch into him until her coat-hidden breasts pressed against him. After more seconds and only because her calves were starting to cramp, she pulled back. They hadn’t turned on a light. He was a faint, strong shadow.
Sighing, he placed his hands on her cheeks. She felt everything and nothing, lost in a sea she’d never imagined existed. With every breath she took, she lost more of the distinction between them. Her good hand found his coat’s zipper. She pulled down on it only to have it hang up halfway through its journey. A tug accomplished nothing.
Surprised by what she’d started, she drew back. Reclaimed her separateness. Things were happening too fast between them, going scary places. She knew alone. Understood it. Couldn’t handle feeling so vulnerable.
Didn’t want it.
Or did she?
“I think,” he whispered, “it’s better this way.”
“Yes it is.” She didn’t mean it. At the same time she needed to get the words said. “I’m not ready for—anything.”
He tipped her head up a little more. “Anything?”
“A relationship.”
“Neither am I.”
Then, despite what they’d said, they were kissing again with her hand against his chest and him folded over her and the cold coming into her place. She thought, maybe, she heard a howl, but it didn’t matter.
Only Terron did.
Terron who was dismantling so much of what she believed about herself.
“I have to leave,” he said after a long moment, “before it’s too late.”
If it wasn’t already. “I think—I don’t know—maybe we need space.”
“Space?” His breath warmed her face. “Yeah, that.”
Chapter Thirteen
When Kolina told Alisha she’d come to Kalispell whenever it was convenient for Alisha, Alisha said to wait until Monday. That way they’d have most of the week together. In the meantime, to her relief, Kolina kept busy and then some. Echo was working overtime on her job. Consequently, she didn’t have time to devote to the center’s planning. Would Kolina run with her notes? Of course. Fortunately Henry had been more than willing to contribute his experience and knowledge of the area. She’d spent hours picking his brain followed by using voice-recognition software to get everything he’d told her into Echo’s laptop.
After Kolina mentioned she’d soon be going to Kalispell, Henry asked if she might have time to go to the county museum and search for historic pictures of Lake Serene. Of course. She also offered to search old newspapers for articles about the lake and nearby mountains. Fortunately she discovered that some of the newspaper archives had been scanned and were available via the Internet which meant she didn’t have to wait until she got to the city.
She also spent as much time as possible with Shadow. At first the dog was reserved and distant but by Sunday morning he wagged his tail when he saw her. Last night he’d licked her cheek and she’d hugged him. She put a rope collar on him that included a metal tag with her cell phone number carved into it that she’d made from building material. The way he accepted the collar made her conclude this wasn’t the first time he’d worn one. Also he’d been neutered. He balked when she attached a rope leash and tried to lead him from his residence but she kept encouraging him until he fell in line next to her. Of course the hot dog chunks in her coat pocket might have had something to do with his attitude.
“You’re welcome to share my abode with me,” she told Shadow Sunday afternoon as they stood in her doorway. “What’s mine, such as it is, is yours.”
Shadow sniffed all around the opening then stepped inside. He lowered his head and smelled the carpet where Terron and she had been standing when they’d kissed a week ago.
A week? Had it really been that long since she’d done more than wave at him in passing?
“Can you tell he’s been here?” she asked the dog. “Are you picking up any vibes? Maybe you sense, I don’t know, emotion.”
Shadow gave no indication he was interested in an explanation of what she meant by emotion, which she appreciated. The one thing she did know was she still wasn’t ready to talk to Terron. Just thinking about him left her confused and conflicted. Granted, seeing him was a moot point since he hadn’t tried to do more than wave when their paths crossed, which hadn’t been often. She told herself he was doubly busy helping get the resort ready for winter. Also, he didn’t owe her an explanation of how he spent his days—and nights. Finally, considering everything she’d revealed to him, she needed privacy. Thinking time even if that wasn’t making things better.
“I can’t take you with me when I leave tomorrow morning,” she told Shadow. “Fortunately Echo agreed to look in on you. You remember Echo don’t you? She has a key to this place so she can feed you.” Her throat tightened a little, forcing her to wait before continuing. “I wish I could ask Terron but—things sometimes get complicated between men and women. Be glad you don’t have to deal with that.”
She wanted to tell Shadow more but the mutt was more interested in exploring the kitchenette than in her. She untied his leash—she was getting somewhat better at doing things with one hand—and sat in the chair Terron had occupied. Once she was underway tomorrow, she’d call so he would know where she’d be for approximately the next five days. She’d be staying with Alisha and Nate and picking up on the love that radiated between the two.
In love? She’d been there once, but it had ended with loss and deep doubt about her ability to bond. No way should she want to go down that road again or subject a decent man to her inadequacies. It was just as well that Terron and she had settled on a causal relationship.
Except for the two kisses, his support while her shoulder was being treated, and ice cream.
Also the matter of what he’d told her about his parents and some of the things she’d revealed to him.
“Come on,” she said once Shadow had made a couple of circuits of the kitchen and was sniffing at the cupboard where she kept his food. “I have the feeling I’ll be doing a lot of sitting while I’m in the valley. I want to get in a long walk before that happens.” Collect images, smells, and sounds of Lake Serene to tide me over. “What if we blow the resort and check out one of the trails? There’s one that heads up Mount Lynx not many tourists know about.”
Committing to a path that climbed through mature evergreens, brush, and boulders reminded her that she’d need to remain alert. Just this morning Echo had told her more wolf prints had been found some three miles from the resort. She wasn’t positive how either canine would react if they spotted each other. If need be, she could yell and wave her arms. The alternative was to spend yet another evening stuck in her place.
“What do you think?” she asked Shadow with the leash dangling from her fingers. “Maybe? Maybe not?”
By way of answer, Shadow licked her cheek. The gesture reminded her of when Terron had touched her there. That did it
. She could either stay inside the four walls contemplating where Terron stood in her life and where that life was going to be lived or she could wear herself out enough that, hopefully, she could get a few hours of sleep.
*
Terron hadn’t expected to see Kolina. At least that was what he’d mostly convinced himself when he spotted her coming out of her place. It was his day off. Instead of chancing letting Kolina once again invade his space, he’d volunteered to take a look at his trailer’s underpinnings to try to determine whether it was sturdy enough to be hauled off the mountain. After removing the skirting and crawling under the trailer, he’d taken pictures and was, he told himself, on his way to Rey’s office with the evidence when he spotted Kolina. So what if he hadn’t taken the most direct route. There was no law against going near the kitchenettes.
Shadow was with her, woman and dog, looking comfortable in each other’s company and heading for the base of Mount Lynx. If how her fingers kept brushing the top of Shadow’s head was any indication, she thoroughly enjoyed the dog’s companionship. Maybe that was all she needed. She still wore the brace which begged the question of how she got in and out of it. If he’d been around, he could have taken over the chore.
There. That in a nutshell was why he’d given her space. He didn’t trust himself to keep his hands off her. Not only wasn’t she in the best condition for intimacy, he didn’t want any more of the emotional turmoil he had to weather when he was around her. The woman had loved and lost in ways most people didn’t understand. She might still be emotionally wounded, need compassion.
Darn it, Kolina brought out his caring, nurturing side when he’d just come out of years of being ruled by that. He wasn’t ready to go back there.
Shadow stopped and faced him. Then Kolina did the same. He wasn’t sure when she realized who she was looking at since the transformation from relaxed to alert took a while. When she started walking toward him, he did the same.
“It looks like you’ve gained his trust.” He indicated the dog. “It also appears he’s used to walking with a leash.”
“He wasn’t at first. I don’t think he’s had much of that.” She briefly caught her lower lip between her teeth. “Were you part of the crew that pulled out the south shore’s floating docks? I heard one of them broke apart.”
“That wasn’t me.” Even with the bulky coat, she appeared frail but maybe that was his imagination, which was fashioned by memories of how his parents had been at the end. No! He wouldn’t go down that tired road today. “I’m on trail duty, currently mapping what’s west of the resort. Shaw wants whoever winds up running the snowmobile operation to be able to supply visitors with a comprehensive map.”
Her expression turned wistful. “So you’ve been spending your days away from civilization?”
“Pretty much.” He nodded at Shadow. “Where are the two of you heading?”
For a moment he thought she might not answer. “Echo told me about a trail up Mount Lynx not many people use because others have better views. I thought we’d go a mile or two.” She indicated the evergreens to her left. “Get some fresh air for a change.”
“A change?” he asked instead of voicing his concern about her going where she might be the only human.
“The research I’m doing for Echo and Henry has kept me indoors. My plan is to take some pictures so I’ll have something to look at while I’m off learning about my new responsibilities.”
Off. Gone. Moving away. No longer part of his life.
Get over it! Somehow.
Stomach knotted, he nodded at her immobile arm. “I’m trying to imagine you holding onto Shadow while snapping pictures. I had enough trouble getting what I needed with two good hands.”
When she frowned, he explained about crawling under his trailer. She responded by saying she’d heard about Shaw’s plans to update employee housing, and he said he had reservations about his surviving being pulled out of its space let alone the trip to a Kalispell salvage company. After that he couldn’t think of a way to end what had become an uncomfortable conversation. The longer he looked at her, the harder it became to face that before long he wouldn’t be able to do this simple thing. There was so much he didn’t know about her, a thousand blank spaces needing filling in. He was still thinking about that when Shadow yawned, loudly.
“He’s bored,” Kolina said unnecessarily. “He’s trying to tell me its past time to make good on my offer to take him for a walk.”
“We could both do it.”
“You don’t have to—”
“I know.” He couldn’t stop looking at her. The memory of their kiss was making thinking harder by the second. “I want. Just because things got a little awkward between us the other night doesn’t means we need to avoid each other.”
“You’re right. We don’t.”
“Unfortunately, we won’t have a lot of time considering how early it gets dark these days.”
“I have a flashlight.”
“What? You can’t be considering staying out that late?”
She shrugged and started toward terrain that was both rugged and densely treed. “Night speaks to me.”
Her four simple words stopped him. He longed to learn more about what the nights told her. Maybe get her to share the messages with him. He matched her pace as they crossed the parking lot and entered the trees. He’d taken this route up Mount Lynx on the quad a couple of days ago so knew the path narrowed after about a half mile. After numerous switchbacks, it became so steep it was only accessible on foot. Much of the footing was uncertain, the isolation intense. Out of curiosity, he’d turned off the quad and strained to hear resort sounds, but it had just been the wilderness and him.
And more than a little wondering how Kolina would react to the isolation. Soon he’d find out.
“Do you feel that?” she asked after a lengthy silence. “The peacefulness. I love the sensation.”
“Hmm.” They were walking side by side with Shadow leading the way. “I guess in some respects I’m still a city boy, trying to get used to the contrast between what I experienced growing up and what’s here.”
She glanced over at him, started to look toward where they were going followed by studying him some more. “How is the transition going?”
You care. At least a little. “Good. I don’t miss the noise and so-called excitement a city offers.”
“That’s what I should be doing, looking forward to a new experience.”
He’d already surmised her heart wasn’t in the move. He was a little surprised she wanted to talk about that now, and with him. Thinking to circle the subject, he touched on some of Billing’s cultural and social offerings followed by telling her about the vacations his parents and he had taken while he was growing up. One had been to southern California. That trip had factored into his decision to go to college there.
“I wasn’t the world’s best student,” he admitted. “A case of too many extracurricular activities. Looking back, I believe most eighteen year olds aren’t ready for college. Now I’m pretty sure I could handle what college offers.”
“Are you saying you think I should go?”
“No. You should do what you want to.”
“Yeah, well—easy, Shadow. There’s no rush.”
The dog was pulling on the leash and sniffing the ground. He debated asking if she wanted him to hold the rope but wouldn’t she have already asked if her good arm was under too much strain? Hopefully she wouldn’t have to wear the brace much longer. “Let him go,” he suggested.
“What? No.”
“Why not?”
Her expression held a sharpness that hadn’t been there the last time he’d looked at her. “I don’t want to risk him getting lost. Besides, a wolf—”
“Oh, yes, Lake Serene’s illusive wolf. Kolina, Shadow did fine on his own for days, maybe weeks. Don’t rob him of the freedom that means so much to you. He’ll resent it if you try to rein him in.”
“You don’t know that.”<
br />
“Yes, I do.”
“How can you say that?”
“You have to ask? My parents’ health ruled every minute of every day for years. I did what I did out of love but I was still in a cage. No longer having those bars around me—that’s the true meaning of freedom.”
Her frown deepened. “This isn’t the same thing. If he gets off the trail, if his nose distracts him—”
“You’re coming up with excuses to keep him with you.”
“Are you trying to start an argument?”
“Of course not. What I think is either you trust that Shadow is bonded to you or you don’t. The dog is one of the few living creatures you’ve allowed yourself to love. Maybe you’re afraid he doesn’t feel the same way.”
“I can’t believe you’re saying this.”
In some regards, he couldn’t either. Neither did he understand why he was pushing her—other than what he saw as the similarities to what he’d lived through.
“It’s your call. You’re the one who took possession of him.”
“Possession,” she muttered. “Darn it, that’s not what he is.” She drew Shadow to her. “He’s free like I’ve been for most of my life.”
She was having trouble unleashing the dog one-handed so he did it for her followed by tucking the rope in his pocket. They hadn’t resolved anything, but he didn’t want to say more on the subject. Hopefully she didn’t either.
Muzzle to the ground, Shadow started trotting ahead of them on the trail. The distance between him and them kept increasing. If Shadow was aware it was just the three of them in the middle of acres upon acres of ancient forest, he gave no indication.
When Terron’s parents were sick, he’d sometimes take the long way home from whatever errand he’d been running. He’d slow down and imagine no one was expecting him. He could take endless back roads until he ran out of gas. The thought had been both intoxicating and sobering. Fantasy.