“I’ll go with a burger and fries, and for the love of God, please–I beg you–no onions,” Beck said.
Audrey chuckled, scribbling her order down.
“I’ll have the same please,” I said.
“No onions, for the love of God?” Audrey asked, still chortling.
“Please.” I grinned.
“Coming right up!” Audrey spun on her heel as graceful as a ballerina, and started for the kitchen.
“She’s so weird,” Beck said, reaching for her drink.
“I think she seems really cool,” I interjected. “There’s something different about her, but not in a bad way.”
“Since when does weird mean bad?”
“It’s just the way you say it,” I pointed out.
“Truthfully,” Beck said, leaning forward across the table, “I’m just jealous of her natural good looks. She doesn’t even try to look good. It’s not fair.”
I laughed. “You don’t have to try, either.”
“If I don’t try, I end up looking like a twelve-year-old,” she complained.
I ignored her, snacking on the fried pickle appetizers. “So, you never told me about how your night ended with Luke,” I stated.
Beck reached for a pickle, crunching down before answering me. “He was a perfect gentleman. He walked me to my car, held open the door, and asked if I’d like to go out sometime.” She shrugged, grinning.
“That’s great, Beck,” I told her.
“Are you sure this isn’t too weird for you?” she asked.
I shook my head. “My whole life is weird. I can appreciate my two best friends dating, trust me.”
“What if we get serious, and then we break up, and you’re forced to choose between us?”
“Not gonna’ happen,” I said. “Neither of you would put me in that position to begin with, but, let’s not cross that bridge until we get there–if and when we ever do.”
“Agreed,” Beck said.
Audrey brought out our food, and placed our plates down in front of us. “Here ya’ go,” she said. “Two burgers and fries with for the love of God, no onions.”
“Thanks,” we said in unison.
“Enjoy, and let me know if I can get you anything else.” Audrey turned to check on the table behind us.
“Like I said, she’s a weirdo.”
I dug into my burger, not realizing how hungry I had been after skipping both breakfast and lunch. My stomach had felt like a hollow pit had taken up residency. I was fighting an inner battle against the disappointment I felt after Liam’s confession, and the disappointment I had in myself for reacting so cold. You could hand someone a loaded gun, but that didn’t make you responsible for their actions regarding the pull of the trigger…
“I know we covered the bad stuff that happened last night, but, I saw some serious sparkage during the volleyball game,” she said. “Did anything noteworthy happen after I left?”
My insides twisted as a crimson blush crept up over my cheeks. It was hard to believe the most magical night of my life was also in ranking with one of the worst. I sighed, dropping my burger on the plate.
“He kissed me,” I said.
Beck’s eyes brightened with curiosity. “Well how was it?”
“Storybook perfect,” I admitted; red-rockets galore. “It’s too bad though. I probably won’t ever get a chance to do it again.”
“Have you thought about what you’re going to say to him?”
“I don’t know.” I swallowed, reaching for my drink. “I don’t really know what I can say that could possibly make up for me being such a colossal jerk.”
“I’m sure he’ll be fine with a simple ‘I’m sorry,’” she suggested.
“I was pretty cold,” I said. “I may or may not have indicated that he ruined my life, in the heat of the moment.”
“Ouch,” Beck said, whistling.
“Yeah…” I picked up a fry, smearing it through some ketchup on my plate.
“You didn’t really mean it, did you?” she asked.
“Of course not,” I said. “I was just so stunned… Never in a million years would I have tied him to the scene of the accident. I hate that he was linked. It’s not like he could have possibly known what was going to happen when he handed his stepfather that set of keys. After all, he’d just found out that he’d been stealing his cancer-ridden mother’s prescription medication. If that were me, well, I don’t know that I would have handled the situation any differently. I don’t blame him for what happened.”
“That,” Beck said, “is probably a good place to start.”
Chapter Twenty-One
I followed Mom home on Monday morning, promising to help her pack up the house and get it ready to be put on the market. It seemed different somehow, like the house had never really been ours to begin with. Though I had grown up there, I no longer had any emotional attachments to the house itself.
As we moved through the large structured house, I remembered why I hated the silence of it. I ached for the sounds of the noisy old farmhouse with its whining door hinges and creaky floorboards. To me, it had become a sign of a well lived-in home. Its many unique characteristics echoed the warmth and the love from the people within it, and all that was left here was the sadness, and ghosts of once happy memories.
I boxed up the belongings in my room–books, clothes, and old high school paraphernalia. I had never been much of a hoarder, so it didn’t take long to go through my possessions. I had kept several shoe boxes underneath my bed of old pictures and notes that my friends and I had passed back and forth between classes. I saved the pictures, and tossed out the rest. None of that seemed like it was worth holding onto now. After I had finished a few hours later, I found Mom hovering in the doorway of Gabriel’s bedroom. She was holding an empty cardboard box and staring in with wide, sullen eyes.
“Mom?”
She jumped, as though I had just brought her back to the present. “Oh, hey.” She straightened, forcing a smile. “I was just–” She gestured into Gabriel’s room with her thumb, but I could see her jaw begin to quiver.
I walked over, linking my hand to hers. “Together,” I said.
She nodded once, stifling a tear. “I suppose I always knew that we’d have to face this, but, no matter how much time passes, I don’t think I’ll ever get used to him being gone.”
“I know,” I said, echoing her sadness.
“I was thinking of donating his things to the shelter. Gabriel would like that, don’t you think?” she asked.
I nodded.
We started with his closet, carefully folding and boxing up his clothes. They still smelled like him, I thought, breathing in the faint scent of his cologne and fabric softener. His cross country jacket was hanging in the back, his name embroidered above the right pocket. I took it down, feeling the thin material between my fingers.
“You should keep that,” Mom said. “He’d want you to have it.”
“I think I will,” I said, folding it up and sitting it in the doorway, out of the way.
Next, we moved on to his extensive music collection. Gabriel’s CD’s took up an entire shelf that stretched the length of the wall. I ran my fingers down the shelf, scanning through the different artists in alphabetical order. I pulled a case from the collection, opening it, and popping the disk into his stereo on the shelf below.
“Just Keep Breathing” by We the Kings filled the room, and I found myself gripping the shelf for support. “He used to play this before every race,” I said. “He said it centered him, reminding him that he had nothing to worry about.
It’s one of those, ‘everything is going to be alright feel-good songs.’”
“I remember,” Mom said, putting her arm around me.
“He was always so calm like that… I needed songs that pumped me up, and got my adrenaline flowing. Gabriel wasn’t like that though. He was always so sure of himself. He had that calm-strength I only wished I could have had,” I said.
“Sometimes, it still feels like he’s here with me,” Mom said, pulling me closer. “I used to think that if I did this–packed away his things–that he really would be gone. I just thought it would make everything seem so final. But, when I was traveling, I would see his smile in a strangers face, or hear his laughter in a crowded room. I’d see him running down the sidewalk, or walking a dog in the park. I guess it made me realize that Gabriel wasn’t his things, or what belonged to him. I realized that even if his things were gone, a part of him would always be with me–even when I wasn’t looking. It makes this part easier,” she said. “There will always be reminders of him–just like this song, and if we hold on to the happiness of that, then he’ll always be with us.”
I smiled, listening to the lyrics as the song finished playing. We played it on repeat while we worked on his room, occasionally finding things that would spark a memory, and we’d share a favorite story. It was both a sad, and needed experience for the both of us, but it was bringing us closer together. For months, neither of us had been able to speak about Gabriel being gone, but being here and doing this, was somehow making it easier to talk about.
I’d never get over losing my twin, but the misery and sadness was shifting into something different now. The pain was easier to manage, and I wasn’t at risk for breaking down whenever someone mentioned his name. Maybe this was acceptance, and I was learning that after everything was said and done–I wasn’t alone anymore.
***
By the end of the week, the house was empty. The garage was full of boxes and baskets that were to be donated, and my Juke was packed to the brim with things I was taking back to the farm with me. It was strange, looking into the face of an ending, wondering what the next chapter of a new beginning held.
“Are you okay?” Mom asked. She was slamming the trunk of her Subaru, and then joining me in the doorway of our empty kitchen.
“I’m fine,” I told her, “just saying one final goodbye.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to come back with me to the apartment for a little while?” she asked. I knew she was excited for me to see the new place.
“I can’t,” I said. “Grandma and Grandpa are leaving for the auction tomorrow, and I promised them I’d watch the farm for the day. Plus, I’ll have a lot of unpacking to do.” Not to mention I still hadn’t spoken to Liam. I had let so much time pass, that I was beginning to feel like I might have lost him. What if I had been too cruel, and he realized I wasn’t worth the time or energy, and he didn’t want me anymore? Could I live with that decision?
“Okay, but you’re still coming over on Sunday for dinner, right?” she asked.
“Yes,” I said, “I wouldn’t miss it.”
“Good. Oh, and don’t forget to call your dad when you get settled. He wants to schedule some time for a visit.”
I nodded. “Got it.”
“I guess this is it, then,” Mom said, pulling me against her side as we took one final look at the house. It was odd, thinking that a goodbye could actually really and truly be a good thing.
“I’m going to miss you,” she said.
“We’ll see each other all of the time,” I promised her.
“I’ll hold you to it,” she said teasingly.
We closed up the house, and started for our separate cars. “Drive careful, baby, I love you,” Mom said, kissing me on the cheek.
“See you Sunday,” I told her, and then climbed behind the wheel of my car with all of my luggage in tow.
***
As I pointed my car down the lane, I was struck by a sudden sensation of relief. It was a similar feeling to swimming under water; imagine being down for a while–lungs constricting as you push your way to the surface, and when you finally breech, you suck in that first, big gulp of air. I felt that now; like I had been holding my breath for a long time, and now that I was home, I could finally breathe.
Grandma met me at the screen door, holding it open as I came into the house. Radar and Luna danced around my ankles, excited for my return. I dropped my bags, and Grandma wrapped me in her warm embrace.
“It’s good to have you home,” she said, kissing me on the cheek. “Are you hungry, I’ve just made some lunch.”
“Sure,” I said, making my way to the counter for grilled cheese and tomato soup.
“How did everything go with the house?” Grandma asked, carrying her bowl to the table to join me.
“Everything is all packed up,” I said. “It’s a little weird seeing your entire life packed in boxes, but, it was something I was ready for.”
“It will be good for your mother, too,” she said, picking up her spoon. I noticed she had dark circles under her eyes, and I imaged that the last couple of weeks had probably taken a toll on her–though she’d never admit it. It wasn’t in her to draw attention to herself. I guessed the strong and selfless female gene ran in the family. Only, it had hit a bump in the road with me.
“Where’s Grandpa?” I asked. It was lunchtime, and he was nowhere to be seen. This, in and of itself, was anomalous.
“He ate earlier,” Grandma said, answering my silent thoughts. “He’s out cleaning the horse trailer to get it ready for tomorrow.”
“That’s right.” I nodded, tearing the crust away from my grilled cheese, and sneaking a piece of the bread under the table to Luna. Her head was resting against my knee–waiting; expecting. I ate slowly, buying myself some time before I would have to ask the inevitable... Time was ticking.
“We’ll probably leave around seven; the auction starts at eleven and we want to be sure to get there in plenty enough time to set everything up. Mr. Harris is meeting us there,” Grandma was saying, more to herself than to me.
“How exactly does the re-homing process work?” I asked.
“Essentially, the buyers sign a contract giving us the right to do a wellness check and a home check in two weeks’ time to make sure that the horse is settling in and being taken care of properly. If we see anything wrong with the new environment, we reserve the right to take the horse back home.”
“Has that ever happened before?”
“Once, quite a long time ago. That’s how I kept Marigold,” she said. She was referring to the oldest horse in the barn; a gentle, well-mannered Chestnut.
“Is Grandpa going to take you to that nice restaurant after?” I asked.
“Perhaps.” She grinned.
I nodded.
Tick-tock, tick-tock.
“Thank you for lunch,” I said, scooting out from the table to take my plate to the sink.
“Of course,” Grandma replied.
Tick-tock, tick-tock.
I dropped my face, rolling my neck from side to side. I couldn’t delay it any longer without my insides exploding.
“Grandma?” I turned to face her.
“Yes?”
“How’s Liam?”
Her face softened around the edges, the corner of her mouth rising into a sad smile. “He didn’t come by on Tuesday,” she said.
“Oh.”
“He’ll be here tomorrow, though. I asked him to help you look after the farm and he agreed.”
“How did he seem when you talked to him?” I asked.
“Polite,” she sai
d. “He’s always polite.”
“I really messed up, Grandma. I reacted so poorly. I’m afraid that he’s not going to want anything to do with me anymore. I was just so angry that he’d kept such an important secret about my life for so long… My emotions went haywire.”
“I understand,” Grandma said, holding up her hand.
I fell silent, biting the corner of my lip. And then, “Liam said he tried to see me in the hospital, but, they wouldn’t let him in.”
“There was a lot going on all at once, and you were rushed into surgery right away. They weren’t letting any non-family members near the ICU,” she said. “Everything was chaos. I didn’t even know he existed until he came looking for us.”
“The beginning is really cloudy for me,” I admitted. “I don’t remember much, just bits and pieces. Most of what I know was told to me; all the blank spaces were filled in by someone else… I had so much anger; I guess I never stopped to think much about the outside players.”
“Maybe it’s better that way,” Grandma said, shrugging.
“Yeah, maybe.” The only thing I knew for certain was that I was done questioning the rules of the Universe. There didn’t seem to be any.
“When Liam came looking for us, it was plain to see that he was carrying around the weight of the world. We invited him in to do the interview, but I could tell there was something else weighing on his mind, so, I asked him to tell us a little about himself–hoping to coax him into opening up.
“He told us the story of his stepfather and what had happened on that terrible night. He said he wasn’t thinking clearly; he was just so distraught about his mother’s medication that he didn’t realize what he’d done until it was too late. He went looking for him,” Grandma said, nervously wringing her hands together. “But, I can imagine that you guessed what he found instead…”
“He was there?” My stomach twisted, and blood rushed to my ears.
“He didn’t tell you?” Grandma’s brows knit together, creating a deep crease in between her deep blue eyes. “I thought that after what happened the other night that you knew.”
Finding Goodbye Page 28