Dear Dumb Diary #10: The Worst Things in Life Are Also Free

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Dear Dumb Diary #10: The Worst Things in Life Are Also Free Page 4

by Jim Benton


  cents qualifies as love, but whatever. We’ll take it.

  63

  We waited until after lunch to get started,

  because we wanted it to be nice and warm out.

  Angeline and Isabella both brought sponges and

  rags over and we had a couple buckets of soapy

  water. I made a sign by cutting big numbers out of

  red construction paper and gluing them to a poster

  board. I wanted to put the name of our car wash on

  it, but Isabella said it was dumb so I don’t even

  want to tell you what it was. (But I’ll give you a hint:

  It was a fantastical-abulous and

  vegetarian name.)

  Our plan was that Isabella would hold up the

  sign, Angeline would direct cars up the driveway,

  and then the three of us would wash each car. I

  would collect the money while Angeline and Isabella

  went back and got into position for the next car.

  All those cars. All that money, right?

  64

  Wrong. Not only is my neighborhood not

  into lemonade, they really aren’t into automotive

  hygiene, either.

  Every time a car would go by, Isabella would

  shake the sign like crazy, and we’d all yell and

  they’d pretend not to see us, and Cigarette Lady

  would come out and ask us what all the yelling was

  about.

  We’d tell her we were having a car wash and

  she’d yell back, “A GAH BAH? WHAT’S A GAH

  BAH?” Then we’d yell back, “A CAR WASH!”

  And then she’d yell, “OKAY, THEN I’LL

  FNURGHLMKMGH.” That

  Fnurghlmkmgh

  sound

  at the end is the nasty coughing noise she makes

  because when heavy smokers shout, sometimes

  their lungs try to climb out of their throats.

  Then she would go back inside until the next

  car drove by, and we’d start all over again.

  65

  It had been a long day. We were all in a pretty

  lousy mood and were just getting ready to quit when

  we saw Cigarette Lady walk Cigarette Grandson out

  to her giant car. She slowly and carefully backed it

  out of her garage, and slowly and carefully rolled

  down her driveway, and slowly and carefully took

  out one of her own bushes.

  Then she slowly and carefully drove over to

  my driveway, where she slowly and carefully almost

  ran over Isabella as she pulled in.

  For some reason, the older people get, the

  bigger the cars they drive. This is totally backward,

  because the older they get, the worse they drive,

  and so they are getting more and more dangerous

  to the rest of us as their cars get bigger and bigger.

  As you get older, you should have to drive smaller

  and smaller cars. By the time you’re as old as

  Cigarette Lady, you should be on a unicycle.

  66

  Cigarette Lady said she wanted a car wash.

  Like I mentioned, she has a giant car, so it took a

  lot longer to wash than I thought it would. It wasn’t

  very dirty, because she only uses it to drive to the

  store to buy cigarettes and to run over her bushes.

  She probably buys medicine, too, because old

  people are really fond of medicine, and maybe like

  one bag of groceries a year, because old ladies

  hardly eat anything. I’m not kidding: I remember

  one time when my grandma saved the other half of

  a peanut for later.

  When we were all done, she pulled out her giant

  purse and started digging around in it. After pulling

  out a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, a pack of gum, a

  rain bonnet, a handkerchief, a pack of cigarettes,

  some matches, nasal spray, and a pack of cigarettes,

  she finally found her little-old-lady wallet.

  She unsnapped the pocket, smiled, and

  handed me one dollar.

  One dollar.

  I stood there with my hand out, waiting for

  the rest of the money, and she stood there, smiling

  back at me. I raised my eyebrows a little, to

  indicate that I was expecting something, and she

  raised hers back at me.

  67

  I raised mine higher and she raised hers as

  well. I raised mine again, and so did she. I kept

  raising them until I finally ran out of forehead.

  (Turns out Cigarette Lady has a pretty plentiful

  forehead area.) I didn’t want to be pushy, but I

  couldn’t hold back any longer.

  “It’s not a dollar,” I said cheerfully. “The car

  wash. We’re not charging a dollar.”

  “I know, sweetie.” She coughed, and as she

  did, I noticed the Ryan triplets looking out their

  front window, screaming and pointing at something

  on their lawn. It was red. It was paper. It was the

  number “4.”

  “Urp,” I said, nicely summing up exactly what

  I was feeling.

  Cigarette Lady was waiting for her change.

  She put out her hand and I gave her fifty

  cents. What else could I do? Then she slowly and

  carefully backed out of my driveway, drove slowly

  and carefully over to her house, and slowly and

  carefully took out one of her bushes again.

  68

  I picked up the poster board Isabella had

  been waving so furiously.

  “You shook the sign too hard. You shook the

  four right off it. It doesn’t say $4.50 anymore. It

  says fifty cents,” I said. “Cigarette Lady only paid

  us fifty cents because that’s what our sign says now.”

  “You didn’t use enough glue,” Isabella said.

  “So you owe Angeline and me $4.00, plus a tip,”

  she said.

  “Let’s try again tomorrow,” Angeline said,

  and she was using that calm, optimistic voice

  people use just before you tell them to shut up.

  “Shut up, Angeline,” Isabella and I said in

  perfect unison as if we had practiced it a million

  times, when in reality we only practiced it, like, a

  dozen times.

  69

  “You should have noticed that the number

  blew off,” Isabella said to her.

  “Isabella’s right,” I added, knowing that

  Isabella wasn’t right. It’s funny how much easier it

  is to tell that something isn’t right when it comes

  out of somebody else’s mouth.

  We cleaned up the stuff silently and grunted

  our good-byes at one another.

  When you calculate what we spent for the

  soap, and add the microscopic payment we got

  from Cigarette Lady, our AMUSEMENT PARK

  FUND is now worth exactly $5.50.

  I’m going to bed.

  70

  FRIDAY 13

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  Isabella is really into this moneymaking thing

  now. The failed car wash really got her going. This

  morning, she came over first thing and took my

  picture, because she says we need to make flyers to

  advertise our different ser vices. She mussed up my

  hair a little, because that will let people know that

  we work hard. I asked her why I had to wear a black
r />   T-shirt for the picture, and she said it would make

  me look like a ninja or a seal, which both also

  work hard.

  I never had the impression that seals work

  hard, and I questioned that but Isabella said maybe

  seals wouldn’t, but Ninja Seals would. And she

  said it with this slow, smiling nod that made me

  think that she must be right. Isabella is pretty good

  at convincing people of things.

  71

  I offered to help with the flyers, being great

  at that sort of thing with all of my Art Skills, but

  Isabella said she wanted to do this one by herself.

  It’s nice to give people space when they want to try

  new things, especially when they say so with a

  threatening undertone.

  72

  Isabella wanted to use our computer while

  she was over, but her mom called my mom months

  ago and told her NOT to let Isabella use our

  computer. Ever.

  Mom just added that to a long list of

  instructions that Isabella’s mom has given her

  regarding Isabella.

  73

  Since Isabella couldn’t use the computer, we

  went over to Angeline’s to take her picture. When

  we got there, Emmily was there. This surprised me

  because I suddenly remembered that we had decided

  she was our friend, but in the two weeks that we’d

  been out of school, I had forgotten that she existed.

  Emmily is very nice, but not exactly bright.

  Let’s just say her koala can’t quite make it to the

  top of the eucalyptus tree. One time she was

  supposed to bring ice to the end-of-year party at

  school, and she actually asked us if we could write

  down the recipe.

  Angeline didn’t want Isabella to take the

  picture today, because she was afraid that Emmily

  would think that she had been left out. Isabella said

  that Emmily wouldn’t think she was left out because

  Emmily doesn’t do a lot of thinking. To prove it, she

  asked her a question.

  “Emmily, can you think of a good way for us

  to make money?” Isabella asked her.

  “Yes,” Emmily said.

  She stood there, looking at us.

  “Okay. What would it be?” Isabella

  asked her very slowly.

  “Oh,” she said as if somebody had just

  jabbed her in the ribs. “You could earn it somehow.”

  74

  Just as Isabella was about to explode, Emmily

  added, “And I could help you.”

  Oh. My. Gosh. Our exciting new

  vegetarian company was getting its first employee!

  For a moment, I wished I liked coffee so I could ask

  Emmily to go make me some.

  Angeline put her hand on Emmily’s shoulder.

  “We’re saving up to go to Screamotopia. And you

  won’t be able to go with us. You would be helping us

  raise money for something you won’t get to do,”

  Angeline said, doing her best to gently blow the deal.

  “That’s okay,” Emmily said, and she meant it,

  too. Emmily is that special sort of generous person

  that people are before they know any better.

  75

  “Mostly, you’ll be helping me,” Isabella said,

  and Emmily grinned. “You’ll be, like, my secretary or

  my assistant. I’ll have you working on very special

  projects — ones I couldn’t trust to the other

  employees.”

  I felt a chill go down my back. Emmily was

  smiling and nodding. Isabella could have thrown a

  saddle on Emmily and ridden her around if she

  wanted to. I’ll bet that if Isabella was a bad person,

  she could really take advantage of her friends.

  Good thing she’s so nice.

  “Emmily, do you have a computer at home?

  One where I could go online?” Isabella asked.

  “Sure, and it has one of those —”

  Isabella cut her off in mid-sentence and

  began to run toward Emmily’s house, which was just

  four houses away from Angeline’s. Emmily did her

  best to keep up.

  “Bye, guys! See you later,” Isabella yelled.

  We didn’t see her later.

  76

  Once they left, Angeline started to brush her

  hair. Did she have the brush in her pocket? In her

  ear? From nowhere, a brush just appeared. How do

  people with beautiful hair do that?

  She started looking a little sad, which you

  don’t normally see on Angeline, no matter how

  much you hope for it.

  “Do you think we’re going to make the

  money?” she asked. I didn’t really have an answer.

  By the time I got home, I didn’t have any

  appetite at all, so I practiced some vegetarianism

  against the dinner my mom made . . . including the

  vegetables in it.

  Right now all I can think about is the amazing

  stuff they probably have at Screamotopia, and

  how I hope hope hope we get to go.

  77

  78

  Saturday 14

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  I had to do regular old nonpaying work today.

  Mom wanted me to clean my room. Mom and I have

  the exact same conversation every time she asks

  me to clean my room, and it just does not seem to

  sink in.

  “Mom, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a

  thousand times: Eeeeeyaaagh.”

  Dumb Diary, I know you don’t have ears, but

  this is a sort of combination grunt/groan sound I

  make that increases in volume as I walk up the

  stairs to my room. It conveys an entire spectrum

  of feelings, as well as a detailed argument against

  cleaning my room, but my mother never seems to

  understand it. Usually, it just makes her angrier and

  occasionally swearier, and I wind up having to clean

  up my room anyway.

  And, if you can believe it, I have to do it

  for free.

  79

  I’m against cleaning my room, because I feel

  it promotes housework in general, but today I think it

  also promoted a type of archaeology — and

  archaeology can lead to treasure.

  I uncovered several very interesting artifacts

  today. Here is the list of things I found that I

  managed to rescue before Stinker and his

  dogdaughter Stinkette could chew them to bits:

  • Handful of old doll clothes

  • Souvenir thing my grandma gave me from

  someplace she went in China or Cleveland or

  somewhere

  • Old fairy-tale book purchased at garage

  sale for fifty cents

  • Half sandwich probably once owned by

  caveman

  • Evidence of an ancient carpet buried below

  the deepest level, possibly put there by

  dinosaurs

  80

  I thought about having a garage sale where

  we could sell our old stuff to make money, but I’ve

  had bad experiences with garage sales. I don’t like

  people exploring and judging my nasty old stuff

  while I’m standing there.

  It’s like “Yes, sir, I
>
  know

  that sale item is

  super, super, super gross. That’s why it’s

  for sale. I’m keeping all my good stuff, Einstein.”

  81

  That’s when it occurred to me. We could sell

  our old nasty stuff online . . . on eBay. That way,

  we wouldn’t have to look directly into the eyes of

  the people we were offending with our rubbish. I was

  so excited that I called Isabella. Tomorrow we’ll see

  if we can get our moms together on this to let

  us do it.

  If this works, it will probably be the beginning

  of our own personal auction website — do I really

  have to tell you the name? It’s www.tastical..

  auction.abulous.unicorn. It will probably be

  revolutionary.

  82

  Sunday 15

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  Isabella was at my house before any of us

  woke up this morning, and she totally scared my

  dad when he opened the door to get the newspaper.

  Isabella was just snoozing on our porch, but she

  can’t help it if all of her sleeping positions look

  like the positions that police find the victim in

  when they arrive at a crime scene.

  Dad let Isabella into my room to wake me up.

  I have no idea how long she was there before I

  opened my eyes, but when I did, I saw her quietly

  going through my drawers, probably organizing my

  socks and stuff. So helpful.

  83

  When Mom finally got up, she and Isabella’s

  mom talked on the phone about setting up an

  account on eBay so we could sell our junk.

  Remember that Isabella’s mom had said that

  Isabella should not be allowed on our computer, so

  they had to talk for a long time, and Mom closed the

  door so we couldn’t hear. Later on, I learned from

  my mom that Isabella’s mom had a rather long list

  of warnings to give her, and instructed her to be

  very careful about how she selected the password

  on the account because Isabella can be very

  playful about trying to crack passwords.

  “Playful” is the word my mom used. I’ve

 

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