by Lucia Ashta
“But if I’m not, which is likely, you’ll have to find her. I’m not the woman you want. You want the princess.”
I looked at her severely, trying to impose the strength of my conviction upon her. “You are the woman I want. It’s Planet Origins that needs a princess, not me. I only need you.” Obviously, that was a bit simplified, and not entirely true even if I wanted it to be. I owed my allegiance, not just as a subject, but as a lover, to the princess, not just to any version of her. But the heart wasn’t one to get hung up on distinctions as ultimately trivial to it as this.
I loved Ilara, and Ilara rode right next to me. It should be game over, a happily-ever-after ending from here on forward. But my life had never been that simple. The game was afoot as it long had been.
“You realize that either way there’s probably another version of me on Earth, right? Whether I’m, it’s, she’s, shit, I don’t even know how to say this, it’s so confusing. Whether I’m the princess or not, there’s likely another version of me on the planet I believed was my home, without a doubt, until yesterday.”
My heartbeat thumped uncomfortably in my chest. “What do you mean?”
“If we’re to believe what that nasty man Aletox said, then there are parallel worlds, parallel mes, all over the place, right?”
“Riiiight.” I dragged out the word, already uncomfortable with where she was going with this.
“Then even if I am the princess of Planet Origins, then there would still be an Earthling version of me left on Earth.”
I rubbed at my chest. It ached. “Explain,” I said unnecessarily. I already realized where she was going with this. It was obvious, even if I’d been too blinded by my unilateral focus on whether or not she was the princess to think this through. But obviously, she was right.
“If what Aletox or whatever his name is said is true, then there’s a version of me on every one of these parallel worlds or dimensions, holograms, whatever. He didn’t specify if there’s one of me on every planet or what, but we can assume there certainly is one of me on Earth since that’s where I came from.”
“Ah ha,” I said, unwilling to say more. Fuck. Could my life get any more convoluted?
“So since there’s one of me on Earth for sure, then if I were the princess, then there’d still be another version of me on Earth. I could, theoretically, respond to you whether I was the princess or not, assuming I could do this mind speak thing, which I have to assume I can, because I heard you, and I’m not sure at all that I’m the princess, only that you’ve felt familiar to me from the start.”
“Uh huh.”
“But that could just be some sort of transference of the experiences of the same individual across different—how shall I put it?—expressions across parallel, holographic dimensions. You could have seemed familiar to me just because another version of me was intimately familiar with you.”
“Perhaps. But not much of anything else seemed familiar to you.”
“That’s true. But maybe the nature of our relationship, the fact that we love each other, or that you at least love the princess and she loves you, was enough for another version of me, the princess, to feel you as a part of my, her memories. Shit. This is becoming too complicated to talk about. I can’t even keep me straight and apart from her, however many hers there are.”
If she couldn’t keep it straight, then even less so could I. My heart had begun to pitter patter in arrhythmic patterns, distracting me from a difficult line of thought. “What you’re saying is that even if you respond to me from Sand, that it still might not indicate that the you on Sand is the princess? And it gives us, in reality, no better understanding of whether you are or aren’t the princess?”
“Exactly. Unless, of course, the me you mind speak with on Earth happens to have memories of you, more than I do, which is a pretty low standard, let’s admit.”
I didn’t know what to say anymore. What was bad got worse. What was confusing got shit-fuck-confusing. And my heart wasn’t in the space to handle any of it. I rubbed at my chest some more hoping my massage would alleviate the things that couldn’t be alleviated that easily.
“So where are we going?” Ilara, my Ilara, the princess, some Ilara, someone asked. I didn’t even know what to call her in the privacy of my mind anymore.
“I don’t know.” It was the truth. I didn’t know anything about anything.
“Really? Or are you kidding me?”
“If that means am I joking with you, then no, I’m not. I’m too disturbed to joke, and I thought that was an impossible state for me to reach.”
“So why are we riding then?”
“Because we couldn’t just sit around twirling our hair, now could we?”
“So we’re just going to ride around aimlessly?”
“We’re going to ride until we sense that it’s a good point to send the Royal Guard on without us. Then we’re going to continue riding for a while until whatever needs to happen next happens.”
“Wait a minute. So that father guard prick, Billius, is just going to get away with what he did to those people back there?”
“No, he isn’t. But you can bring him up on charges whenever you want, when we’ve had a chance to figure out how to keep you safe. After all, you’re the princess. You can do whatever you want.”
“Okay, I guess. And what do you mean we’ll ride until you ‘sense’ it’s safe to let the guards go on their own? And that we’ll ride until whatever needs to happen does?”
“I mean exactly what I said. Search your memories for how you are. You too know these things. You can sense things. A certain click falls into place when things align in the right way for something to happen. When this clicks, we’ll release the guards, to bring them on charges later on. And since we apparently have no fucking idea what the hell to do about anything—at all—and shit just keeps getting deeper and more confusing, we’re going to allow the energy of things to align with us. Since we don’t know what our next step should be, we’re going to allow it to find us. Because I’m not sure I can handle having my mind twisted any farther. I might never be able to untwist it again at this rate.”
“Let me see if I have this straight. You don’t know what to do, so we’re just going to ride until something happens?”
“Precisely. We can’t make sense of things yet with the facts we have available to us. So we’ll allow the energy to offer us another clue, some aid, because fuck, I think it owes us that.”
“All right then. I can deal with that. That’s how I ended up at that lake, the one I fell into, to begin with. I just followed this sense that I had to be there. So I just kept going.”
I sought out her eyes again. My heartbeat vacated my head for a moment. “See? You’re very much like the Ilara I’ve long known.”
“Maybe,” she said. “At least in this one way I guess I am.”
“Good.”
“So we ride until something happens? Grabs our attention?”
“Yes.”
“I guess I’d better pay attention too, then.”
“Yes. You’re as aware of things as we are, whether you remember or not.”
“I guess I am.”
I sure as hell hope so, I thought. Dolpheus and I had ridden into some nasty battles with unconquerable odds. But never had I felt as if I was riding toward as great a clusterfuck as this one.
We needed every speck of help we could get. Still. Nothing had changed for the better, just for the worse.
I tried to comfort myself with the sight of the woman beside me, her black hair bouncing with each of her mare’s strides, her full breasts doing the same. Her eyes were alight with life, her lips full and bright. She was my dreams become manifest.
I’d long believed the sight of her could get me through anything. Now I was going to have to put that to the test.
11
We didn’t have to ride much longer before I heard Dolpheus in my mind. I think now’s a good time to part ways with the fuckers in red and
gray. How ‘bout you?
We’d ridden long enough to put some distance between us and the village. It wouldn’t be enough to protect the tribespeople from the Royal Guard if Billius chose to return at some future point, but there was little we could do about that. Billius knew their location—perhaps he already had before arriving to interrupt our visit—and it was far from the first time that I wished Dolpheus and I were capable of doing memory wipes. It was a skill that would prove most useful to soldiers in our position, who continually got into unforeseen trouble. If we were able to do memory wipes, something we weren’t even sure was possible—no one we knew of did them—then we wouldn’t have been forced to bring Lila along with us on this turbulent adventure. We could have spared ourselves a lot of grief.
I replied to Dolpheus in the same way, without even bothering to turn and make eye contact with him as he brought up the rear of our entourage. Yeah, it seems as good a time as any. Although I’m pretty sure that Chauncy isn’t strong enough to resist Billius when we’re not around.
Agreed, Dolpheus said. As soon as they’re out of sight, Billius is going to put himself back in charge. But there’s not much we can do about it, unless we’re willing to go all the way to the Palace with them.
And we can’t do that with Ilara along, not until we know how we’re going to handle her first royal appearance, I said.
Exactly, Dolpheus said. Better just to leave the Guard to its own poisons. We can deal with them later if we have to.
Hopefully once I no longer have an execution order over my head.
The princess could give you a royal pardon in a moment.
That’s true, I said. I hadn’t thought of that. She could set a lot of things straight.
Yet another reason to embrace this Ilara as the princess and let things be.
Let things be? Was Dolpheus really suggesting it didn’t matter whether this woman was the true princess or not? He couldn’t be, could he?
As much as I wanted to embrace this Ilara as my own and forget about everything else, I didn’t think I could allow myself to do that. It would be quite nice, though…
You could just let things be, you know, Dolpheus interjected, seeming to read my thoughts as much as the messages I shared with him. No one would fault you for calling this Ilara the princess. Fuck, hardly anyone would know there exists a possibility that might be different. Only those of us here, and a bunch of people subject to bindings. You could simplify your life and we could just support this Ilara in being the princess of Origins. She’d be a good one, perhaps even a better one than she would have been before.
What Dolpheus suggested would simplify his life as much as mine, and it was tempting to choose this option for him if for no one or nothing else. He was embroiled in this mess because of his loyalty toward me, no other reason. And he had a convincing point when he said this Ilara would make a good princess, maybe even a better one than the woman I first fell in love with. Whether this Ilara to my left was a different individual entirely, or whether her time away from O in exile had changed her, what Dolpheus asserted was likely true. This woman was as strong as the Ilara of always, but she’d already shown herself to be more caring of her people. The Ilara of before might not have sacrificed her anonymity and consequent well being to speak up for those tribespeople. She might have simply justified the safety of a royal as more important than that of her subjects, just as the Andaron Dynasty had been doing for millennia.
Did we owe it to the people of O, who’d certainly suffered enough, to choose the better version of the princess, since we were given this unforeseen option?
I don’t know, Olph. You bring up a good point, but fuck, how am I supposed to make such a big decision? There’s no safe one to make, no easy one, one that doesn’t lead to that fucking thorny path of questioning and regret.
I know, Tan, I know. We’ve gotten ourselves tangled in a royal thorn bush this time.
I realized Dolpheus was making a joke, trying to lighten my mood, but I couldn’t laugh. I was too busy considering a possibility I hadn’t entertained before. Could I really risk the possibility of leaving the true princess on Sand if this woman next to me wasn’t her? Certainly, no one could ever blame me for it, not even the true princess if she were on Sand. We were in unverifiable territory. There were no clear situations and even fewer clear answers. I could choose to let things be, as Dolpheus suggested. I could make a happy life with this Ilara and say fuck you very much to the rest of it. We could love each other out in the open now that the King was aware of our love for each other. We might still be unable to love publicly where Ilara’s subjects were concerned, but not having to hide from the King would be a great advantage.
Dolpheus’ voice interrupted my thoughts again. Think about it, Tan. No one would blame you for making the choice of supporting this Ilara as the princess. And for all we know, she might actually be the princess, to hell with what Aletox said. You know we can’t trust him.
Yeah. You’re right. You’re totally right. I wanted reason to choose the easy path that seemingly had evaded me all my life. What was wrong with easy? Perhaps nothing.
But for now, let’s get rid of these guards. The sooner we’re free of them, the better. I can barely stand to look at Billius. He keeps trying to give me these ridiculous, threatening looks. If he does it again, I won’t be able to help myself, and I’ll laugh at him. And then he’ll really hate us. And you know what they say about little men.
Dolpheus was a living book on the quaint sayings of Oers. He frequently found opportunity to apply the most bizarre of phrases. I liked it.
I smiled. The smaller the man, the bigger his scorn.
That’s exactly right, Tan. So let’s get rid of this small man before his scorn can grow any bigger. I don’t need him buzzing around us later with his sense of offended self-importance. There’s already enough of that going around.
You go ahead and do it. I’m not in the mood.
You got it, Dolpheus said, and next I heard his real voice, speaking so the rest of our group could hear. “Everyone, halt!”
Ilara and I turned our horses to face Dolpheus in time to watch Billius attempt to be petulant in drawing his horse to a stop. His expression was sour and obviously intended to be fierce, but I understood Dolpheus’ restraint. I too wanted to laugh when I saw Billius’ conceit on display. I clamped my lips shut, because Dolpheus was right. There was no sense in making any more of an enemy of the man.
Billius sulked while the rest of the guards appeared at ease. Billius was the only one with a problem with us, even if I was the supposed target of their expedition. None of the other guards seemed upset not to be returning to the palace with me in their custody.
“It is here that we’re to part ways,” Dolpheus said. “You’re to ride directly to the Royal Palace without stopping anywhere other than for short rest. You’re not to deviate from the most direct route to the palace. Is that understood?”
Eleven heads nodded, a single, balding one remained stationary. Billius seethed.
“Chauncy, you’re to remain in charge, and Torle, you’re his direct backup. The rest of you, of course, are also to back up your leader.”
“And what of me?” Billius asked.
“You’re no longer in charge. Once the princess returns to the Palace, she’ll bring charges against you.”
“Charges? That’s ludicrous. I was doing what I was within my right to do. I’m Father Guard of the Royal Guard beneath the rule of the great and mighty King Oderon.”
“You were—”
But Ilara interrupted Dolpheus. “You were abusing your power, guard. And while my father, the great and mighty King Oderon, is unwaking, it is I who gives the orders for the betterment of all Origins. I won’t stand for your kind of behavior. I will level charges against you, and you will answer for your crimes against my subjects. Am I clear, guard?”
Billius had the good sense to avert his eyes from Ilara in chagrin. “Yes, Your Majesty.”
“Power was conferred upon you for the well-being of Oers. You’ve defiled that honor, and now you’re to follow the direct orders Dolpheus is giving you as much as if they were my own. All of you. Am I clear on this?”
The guards, all now looking at Ilara, spoke a chorus of, “Yes, Your Majesty.”
Ilara stared them all down, Billius especially, with those daunting cosmic eyes. “Dolpheus, you may proceed.”
“Very well, Your Majesty,” he said, looking quite happy at Ilara’s outburst. “You’re all under a binding oath. You’ll be well served to remember this. If you don’t, your head will explode, or you’ll meet some other unpleasant end. And don’t bother sending anyone our way to look for any one of us. The moment you’re out of our sight, we’re going to transport. You’ll never find us unless we wish to be found. Any questions?”
There were none. Not even Billius dared defy any of us now that the princess had spoken.
“Good,” Dolpheus said. “We wish you good fortune. Ride with the wind.”
“And we wish you good fortune as well,” Chauncy said. “It’s been our pleasure. Your Majesty, we’re glad to see you well. Lord Tanus, Master at Arms Dolpheus, Kai, Lila.” He nodded his head in salute to each of us, exhibiting far better sense and manners than Billius had.
Chauncy ordered his men, “We ride to the palace. Aya!”
They were off in a blur of gray and red and mighty four-legged beasts.
Right away, Dolpheus, Kai, and Lila moved to join Ilara and me. In the few moments before they arrived, I beamed at Ilara. This woman had already proven herself all the princess this planet needed. I sensed that she could be a great ruler. Most importantly, I sensed that she was a great woman.
“That was a fine job, Your Majesty,” Dolpheus said once he was near enough to speak softly.
“Aw, knock it off, Dolpheus. I had no idea what I was doing, and you’d best remember that I very well might not be the princess after all.”