It was about two months after the events at the cabin when I saw her again on one of my early-morning trips to the beach. I’d come in from riding for a bit and was sitting there just taking in the sunrise, trying to ignore the light rain that mostly never stopped on our side of the big island, when I heard a dog barking down the beach. I turned my head and there she was. She must have entered the beach from the adjacent boardwalk and was running opposite from me, Jack next to her barking at seagulls. We were the only two people on the beach for a mile or more so I could watch her completely unobstructed. Her slim tan legs flowed along the top of the sand, and her long hair bounced across her back. I was breathless, just staring, not completely convinced she was real. I felt my gut clench and my heart sting, but I wouldn’t give in to it because then I might miss a split second of her rapidly retreating body.
Just as she was about to go around a bend in the coastline, where my view of her would be obscured, she stopped to take something out of Jack’s mouth. Then, as if she felt me watching her she turned and looked right at me. She froze, standing there like some sort of warrior princess, and I raised my hand slowly, signaling that I recognized her, hoping like hell she’d want to talk to me. But, she raised hers the same way, then turned around and kept on running. She never looked back, and my heart shattered a little more.
Lyndsey
It had been a little over two months since Nick had left me sleeping in that cabin. In some ways my life hadn’t changed at all, in other ways it was completely different. After Leesa lectured me about motherhood and my fitness for it based on the sacrifices I’d made for my baby, Raoul lectured me about love and my worthiness to receive it based on what a “fine young man” Nick was and how much he obviously loved me. It was nice to hear from people I respected, but it didn’t change the fact that my daughter belonged to someone else, and I couldn’t bear to let Nick know I’d given her away.
I’d expected to see Nick back in class the week following the incident at the cabin, but when he didn’t show up for three weeks I went to the professor and asked if he was still on the roster. He told me Nick had withdrawn. Then, one Tuesday afternoon as I was walking between the tall brick Arts building and the new flower garden the university had planted on an empty acre of land, I saw Gabe cruising along toward me on his skateboard with aviator glasses on his face, and a soda cup in his hand.
Without stopping to think about it, I flagged him down, and he rolled up to me, making a grinding noise with the wheels of the skateboard before he kicked the tail and pushed the nose up into his free hand.
“Hey, Lyndsey!” He leaned over and gave me a very sweet kiss on the cheek. “How’s everything going? I was really sorry to hear about the run-in you had with your ex. Everything’s okay now though, right?”
I looked at his beautiful smile and his sun-kissed hair and wondered how some woman hadn’t snatched him up for good by now. “Everything’s good, Gabe. Thanks for asking.”
He put his board under his arm and tossed his soda cup in a nearby trash can. Then he gently took my books out of my hands and gestured the direction I’d been walking in. “So, what’s happened with the guy? I mean is he in jail now?”
I smiled at him as we walked side by side very slowly. “Yeah, because he’s from the mainland they considered him a flight risk and set the bail so high he couldn’t make it. The prosecutor has talked to me a few times. It’ll be a while before they try him, but I’ll have to testify when they do.”
“Well I’m glad the guy can’t hurt anyone else for now. And you’re okay? Going to class, back at work?” He stopped at a bench next to a planter full of palm trees and set the board and my books down. The soil around the palm trees was so damp and rich that I could smell it, a musty, loamy scent.
“Yeah, everything’s back to normal. Well, to how it used to be I guess.” I smiled at him. “Thanks for asking Gabe, I appreciate it.” My heart knocked against my ribs as I took a breath in preparation for what I needed to ask next, but he beat me to the punch.
“He’s doing well, you know,” he said, looking not at me, but out at the adjacent flower garden. “I mean he misses you, but he’s doing some things he has to. For himself. He’s okay, and it may not help to hear it, but I know he still loves you, Lyndsey. There’s not anyone else, ever. He’s just working and figuring out what he wants to do next with his life. It’s been a longtime coming.”
I nodded and sighed. “Thanks for that, Gabe. Thanks for letting me know. It was my fault. He did everything right, but there were things that I’ve done, and I can’t . . .I don’t know. It doesn’t matter now, he’ll get it figured out and he’ll find someone better. Better than me, you know?”
He smiled at me then, not his usual grin, just a small, sweet smile. It was like a different Gabe, the private Gabe rather than the playboy that was there for public consumption. “It’s not your fault, Lyndsey. You and Nick and me, we’re all trying so hard to figure out where the hell we fit into this place. For months I kept thinking if I could get him out here with me, going to school like normal guys our age, he’d get over it, but I didn’t really understand. I mean, all this . . . even for me, it may not be the right choice. Some days I feel like it’s only a way to avoid dealing with the crap we ought to deal with.” He looked sad, and unusually sincere.
“I understand,” I said.
“I imagine you understand more than a lot of people would. I think for people like us, the damaged ones you know, we can’t ever go back. We can pretend we’re like other twenty-two-year-olds, but we’re really not, and no matter how many frat parties we go to, it won’t change that.”
I smiled at him and grabbed his hand for a moment. “You’re a good guy, Gabe.”
“And you’re a good person, Lyndsey. You should try reminding yourself of that more often.” He smiled, visibly shook himself, and put his happy-go-lucky college boy mask back on before he stood up to leave.
“Okay,” I replied, smiling.
“See you around, Lyndsey,” he hollered as he threw his skateboard down and started across campus.
“See you around,” I whispered as he rolled away. The tears threatened once again, but I pushed them away, knowing that I’d ruined the best thing to ever happen in my life.
* * *
About a month after my trip to the cabin, Leesa and I were standing in the kitchen during the lull between the lunch and dinner shifts. I had a scoop of sweet potato mash on a spoon and was about to shovel the golden yumminess into my mouth when she popped out with, “So, why don’t you move in with us?”
“You’re kidding, right? You want me to live with you?” I asked.
“Of course I do!” She ladled her famous barbecue sauce into a big container, screwed the lid on, and scooted past me to the walk-in freezer. “We’ve been talking about it for years,” she said as she came back out of the walk-in. “But we didn’t want you to feel you owed us anything. You work so hard to pay for school and your apartment, we’ve got extra bedrooms, there’s no reason you shouldn’t save some of your money for later.”
“But, Leesa, now? I mean this time with Raoul . . .” I stopped talking, not sure how to broach the subject we all danced around every day.
“You mean this is the last of my time with him?” she said firmly.
I nodded.
“You know what I want for the end of his time here? I want him to be happy. You make him happy. When he knows you’re coming over his whole face lights up. You and Jack . . . you bring life to that old man. Nothing makes him happier than to see the two of you. The only other person who’s perked him up like that since he got diagnosed is Nick. Raoul loves you, and I know nothing would make him happier than to have you at the house with us.”
“Well, I guess I can’t argue with that.” I smiled at her. “Does Raoul ever see Nick?” I asked as casually as possible, shivering a little from the lingering cold air that had escaped the walk-in.
Leesa looked at me shrewdly. As much as I now t
alked about my baby, I never talked about Nick. “It could be that he stops by the house sometimes for a visit. If you moved in, you might run into him.”
“I’m not so sure, Leesa. That may not be such a good idea. I haven’t told him about the baby, and I don’t think I ever can. He doesn’t want to be around someone who can’t be honest with him.”
“Psshh,” she flapped her hand at me dismissively. “You’ll move in because that’s what Raoul wants, and he gets anything he wants now. You and Nick? You’ll figure out how to handle it, won’t you?” It wasn’t really a question the way she said it. She paused for a moment before continuing. “You remember the story I told you about how Raoul and I started dating?”
I nodded.
“I don’t think you really do,” she scolded. “If you did, you’d remember that sometimes love means forgiving people. That’s not only other people, hanai. If you love yourself—and you should—then you forgive yourself too. You need to think about that, because it’s not that boy who’s keeping you two apart.”
I mumbled something like, “Yes, ma’am,” and went home to start packing for my mandated move.
Chapter 16
Nick
Raoul had limited time left on the planet; it was a fact. Because of that I hadn’t wanted to cut off contact with him, but how to see him without subjecting myself to the temptation of Lyndsey was a problem. I avoided The Grill, but I also called Leesa and asked if I could see Raoul at their house sometime. She seemed happy about it, so I’d stopped by their house once a week or so, bringing him the latest surfing news, photos of Gabe and me riding waves, and recent editions of Craft Brew magazine.
It was a sunny day in December when I found myself in Leesa’s backyard with Raoul talking about who might take the championship in the upcoming Kona challenge surf contest. He was a few days from starting up another round of chemo and I could tell he wasn’t looking forward to it. He’d lost a lot of weight and only went in to the restaurant a couple of days a week. Even then, it sounded like he was there mostly to reassure everyone else. More than anything he liked sitting in his yard with visitors, watching the sun and sand and surf, and having his wife try to entice him to eat more.
I’d just popped open a beer, that Raoul wanted me to describe to him since he couldn’t drink with his medications, when we heard a crash, then a scrabbling of claws on hardwood floors and a curse or two. I got up from my chair as the back screen door burst open and Jack came tearing out. He bounded straight over and laid his head on Raoul’s lap. Raoul pet him and I watched as Lyndsey walked out the door to the yard. I froze, staring at the personification of all those dreams I’d been tortured with.
She stopped on the top step of the deck and looked at me, her eyes wide, lips parted and so soft that I could almost feel them on mine even from fifteen feet away. Raoul turned to look behind him and said, “There you are, girl. Come on out, Nick was tasting some beer for me. He’s been real good about that you know, always willing to help out.”
Lyndsey stepped off of the deck, a small smile on her face, but her body kind of stiff. “I’m sure he’s very helpful with the beer,” she joked as she came over and gave Raoul a kiss on his cheek.
I stood in front of my chair staring at her like an idiot. Finally, Jack noticed me and came over, giving me an excuse to avoid addressing Lyndsey for a moment while I petted him.
Raoul suddenly developed a need to go look at his flower bed across the yard, and he made his way over, muttering to himself about Leesa not taking care of his babies.
“Hi,” I said, as I stood up and finally acknowledged her. We looked at each other like people who’d wandered out of a desert looked at a big cold glass of water.
She cleared her throat and swallowed. “Hi. How are you?”
“I’m doing okay. How about you? Are you done with the semester yet?”
“Finals are next week, so almost done.” She shuffled her feet awkwardly and looked over at Raoul and Jack inspecting the flower bed. “Thanks for coming to see him,” she said softly. “It really means a lot.”
“To me too,” I answered. “So do you come every day?”
She looked even more uncomfortable. “Well, actually, um, . . . I’m sort of staying here now.”
“Wait—what?”
“I’ve been here quite a bit, but I had to squeeze it in between shifts and classes, and Leesa told me Raoul really wanted me to live here—save my money for other stuff. I wasn’t sure it was a very good idea.”
“But, if Leesa said you had to . . .” I laughed.
“That’s pretty much it.” She smiled back at me.
God, her smile could jump-start my heart like nothing else. I unconsciously took a step closer to her, smelling her coconut shampoo in the air around us. It took every ounce of my self-control not to reach out and touch the blonde strands like I used to. “How long have you been staying here?”
She breathed out, and I felt my dick spring to life. Damn, this girl just did it for me. I couldn’t explain it, I obviously couldn’t control it, and I ached for it night and day.
“I moved my stuff over a few days ago, but I haven’t given up the lease on my apartment yet. I was worried that they might change their minds.”
“Why?” My fingers twitched with the urge to stroke that little spot along her jawline that I used to lick. “I can’t imagine anyone changing their minds about living with you. You’re the best roommate I’ve ever had.”
She blushed, and the ache in my balls intensified. I was fucking dying and all she’d done was stand there.
Just then Jack came running back over, followed by Raoul. “Hey, aren’t you two here to entertain me? Quit powwowing and do something entertaining.”
We laughed, the tension broken. I didn’t stay much longer, but now I knew. I knew where she was, I knew how to see her, and I had the excuse to end all excuses: the last days of a dying man. I was fucking ruined.
Lyndsey
I’d known I’d run into Nick at the house sooner or later, but I wasn’t prepared for it. He must have parked his truck down the street—I hadn’t seen it when I came in. Then I walked out the back door and there he was. He had on a white button-up shirt, untucked with a pair of khaki shorts. His skin was golden against the white shirt, and his silky hair curled just above the collar. My pulse jumped a notch or two just looking at him, and when he finally spoke to me I thought I might pass out there on the lawn.
After our awkward conversation, we hung out with Raoul for a while until he tired out. I walked Nick to the front door when he was ready to leave. “Thanks a lot for coming to see him,” I said again.
“I’ve been coming every week for a while now. Is it okay with you if I keep doing that?” He scrutinized me as if I were a puzzle he needed to solve.
“Oh, sure! Whatever you guys want. I’m here to do whatever it takes to make him happy. You seem to make him really happy.”
“And how about you?” he asked looking down at the floor before shifting his gaze up to mine. “Did I ever make you happy?”
My stomach flipped, sending my heart fluttering along after it. “You know you did.” My voice was barely above a whisper. “You made me the happiest I’ve ever been.”
“I tried anyway.” Sadness infused his words.
“You did, Nick. I was really happy.”
He reached out like he was going to touch my face, but he stopped himself. “Me too. I guess I’ll see you around, Goldilocks.”
I nodded, afraid if I tried to speak I’d throw myself on his feet and beg him to take me back, only to be told I’d have to expose my sins to seal the deal.
Chapter 17
Lyndsey
December flew by. I finished finals, The Grill stayed busy and the Christmas tourists pumped extra cash into the place. Nick continued to visit Raoul. He stopped by more and more often, and sometimes he and I would talk alone a few minutes while he was there. We didn’t talk about anything significant—my classes, Gabe’s newest
girl toy, or maybe movies we’d seen. I still hadn’t told him about the baby, and I couldn’t seem to find the right way. I felt like I owed him the whole truth even if it was too late for us.
It was a gray day in January, a few days after the New Year, when Raoul first lost consciousness. We’d had him at the house throughout his illness, and Leesa had a nurse come in when one of us couldn’t be with him, and also overnight so that she could get enough sleep to keep working. I woke one morning to hear Leesa crying and the soft sounds of the nurse comforting her. I leaped out of bed and tore into the room Raoul was staying in. My heart raced. He lay there so still I thought he’d already gone.
“Oh my God!” I cried as I stopped in the doorway. Leesa turned and threw her arms around me. I looked at the nurse over her shoulder. She mouthed, “He’s unconscious,” and my heart started again.
After the ambulance took Raoul to the hospital, I drove Leesa over while she made a list of people who needed to be called. I got her settled in Raoul’s room and talked to the doctor, then I sat down in the waiting room, phone in hand, ready to tell the world to say their goodbyes to a man I loved. I looked out at the drizzly weather, thinking the sky somehow knew we were about to lose someone special, and it cried when I couldn’t cry myself.
I looked at the list of contacts, and the very first name on it was Nick Carlisle. Next to his name Leesa had written: For you, not Raoul. Leave it to Leesa. Even in the midst of losing the love of her life, she thought about what I’d need. My eyes burned while I dialed his number. He answered sounding worried, I think he knew this, Raoul’s last hours, was the only reason I’d call him these days.
“Lyndsey? What’s going on?”
I swallowed, unable to speak for a moment.
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