by Amy Brent
“You want to live with me?” I asked, and he nodded and stared at me.
“I told you I love you. I want to make this work and take the next step.” Brian tilted his head and smiled at me. “Sounds good?”
I twirled some noodles around my fork slowly and took a bite. Brian had made a great sauce, and I chewed carefully as I considered the offer. Why not? He was a good man, and he’d more than proven his feelings for me over the last few weeks. “Yes, I’d like that. Do you mind staying here? It just feels like home to me.”
“This is a good place. We can turn the second bedroom into an office or something for us,” Brian said, and we began to discuss our plans. We ate slowly and laughed a lot, and I told myself this could work.
We cleaned up together and went to bed, making love again as I went down on my knees for him. Once we were done, I dropped to my side and curled up against him as Brian kissed my hair and told me he loved me.
Landon
Brian was playing the game well, sending Lily those flowers, though I would have gone for something a little more unique like she was. The ones I would have picked for her would have reflected her kind and generous nature, and they’d have been a color I saw her wear often, a color that made her skin glow. I noticed the little things about Lily, even now that we weren’t involved anymore.
Red roses. What a douchebag. Those could be ordered from any grocery store, much less a florist.
No matter what I thought of him, Lily cooled off towards me on that intimate level we were so good at. She was still an amazing worker and did everything she could as my employee, but it stopped there. Gone were the talks in my office when we were supposed to be working, as well as the way I had her on every surface I possibly could. We didn’t go to lunch anymore or plan working dinners.
All of that was gone, and I missed it. There were days I wanted to drag her into my office and kiss her senseless, but I contained myself. It was apparent that she was moving on, or at least trying to.
I spent the better part of a week feeling sorry for myself, alone at home. I missed everything about her and was well-aware that I’d imagined a future with my assistant. I knew I could get her relocated to another part of the building, but the idea of not seeing her anymore made me feel empty inside. I didn’t want to forget her the way I did Nadine. My ex-wife could drop off the face of the planet for all I cared, but the idea of not seeing Lily’s beautiful face every day was too much to bear.
There were nights I was angry with myself for pursuing her at all. Those were the ones when I’d sit on the couch with my bottle of Hennessey and drink my troubles away.
Eventually, friends talked me into getting out of the house. They told me I was working too much since nobody knew about Lily. As a man, that was how I was supposed to handle this hurt: get out there and fuck my way through it, so I met them at the familiar bar one night after work.
I didn’t go home with a woman that first night, but a few nights later I found myself in the bed of a blonde. Her name was Lisa, and as hard as she tried to please me, she just wasn’t Lily. I tried a few more times with some one-night-stands and always left feeling unsatisfied.
Maybe I needed to step up my game with someone familiar.
I had a few massage sessions with a local massage therapist, and it was no holds barred. She was willing to do anything for me, and I took full advantage of that, demanding rough blow jobs as well as tying her up to inflict light pain on her. Molly took it all, and more than that, she loved it. I used her several long nights, fucking her and utilizing her many talents to try to drain myself of my feelings for Lily.
I wondered the next morning if Lily even noticed. It was always the same polite smile and soft good morning from her, spoken without the light in her eyes that I missed so much. Did Brian make her happy at all? It didn’t seem like it. The week it bothered me the most, I called Molly and found out she was out with some friends, so I invited them all over to my place. I was drunk out of my mind but was physically able to take all of them on. It should’ve been the greatest night of my life as a sexually active man.
I sent them all away once we were too tired to do anything further. I’d fucked, spanked, kissed, and been serviced by the girls. I’d even watched them with each other during the activities. That was any man’s dream, right?
But I’d dropped into the bed that smelled of sex and sin and missed Lily’s sweet fragrance that was long washed from my sheets. Despite never thinking about Nadine with another man, I found myself wondering if Lily was in bed with Brian after he’d been inside her sweet body, him wrapped around her as they drifted off to sleep.
I didn’t get that he was an attentive and loving man the night I met him. He was clearly into Lily on some level, and I didn’t doubt that my reaction to him had raised some questions for her. I hadn’t been kind, and I’d judged him with my gaze, not hiding any of my disdain. He was one of those younger guys who got along with everyone, the guy you’d see at every party talking to all of the guests in the room. Brian wasn’t the kind of man that Lily deserved, the kind that worshiped and appreciated her.
Sometimes I would be a little louder if I heard her on the phone with him, asking her something completely unnecessary. I saw the frosty looks she gave me when I broke into their talks, even though it didn’t happen often. She was professional about work, and after that first time I never saw him there again.
I hoped he had asked about me though. A man like me was intimidating to anybody, particularly a guy like him with an incredibly sexy girlfriend. That was simple math, and I used it to give Brian doubts whenever I could. I’d set the ball in motion the night we met, and I’d seen the insecurity in his eyes.
I came in after meeting Molly for lunch to see roses on her desk again a few weeks after we ended. It was the same tired two dozen blooms in a cheap glass vase, making me roll my eyes. The card was on her desk, and I glanced around to see who was around, leaning over when I realized a lot of people were still out to lunch.
I am so happy you said yes, baby. I love you and I am going to prove it for the rest of my life. B
What the fuck? Did he propose to her? They’ve been back together for a month, if that. Anger rose inside me as I stomped into my office and closed the door, pacing for a few minutes.
I sat down at my desk and grabbed my phone, sending a text as I felt some relief wash over me. I set the phone down, waiting for the chime as I glanced at the screen and smiled.
Something had to be enough for me . . . something other than Lily.
I stayed in my office for the afternoon, even though I wanted to look at her left hand. I kept reminding myself that whether she had a ring on her finger didn’t matter at all to my life. It was her choice.
Screw that. We were good together, and I missed the feeling of her body against mine. My emotions were at war, and I stared blankly at the computer as I tried to focus on the research I was working on. Damn it. I didn’t have time to think about this shit, since I had a new client to meet with and had to have my facts straight.
I went to the meeting angry and sent Lily an instant message asking her to compile a fact sheet on the business of interest. I could do it, but I wanted her busy. Of course, she responded with an assurance that she would get right to it, which made me more livid.
Did Lily look at Brian the way she used to look at me? Did she come as hard with him as she did with me?
I did sneak out for some coffee for a quick break from staring out the window, and I looked over at her as she was typing. I tried to see her hand, but she glanced at me with a suspicious look on her face. “Are you okay?”
“Fine,” I replied, looking away as I left to go to the break room. I slammed my cup down before I fixed my coffee, noticing the silence that settled around me. I looked around to see Lauren staring at me from the fridge with a glint in her eyes.
“Feeling frustrated, Landon? Do you need a little relief?” Her voice was sultry and ineffective, and I gave her a da
rk stare. “I can help you with that.”
“I think we’ve discussed that matter,” I murmured before I dismissed her presence with a cold look and left. Going for Lauren would bring the ultimate pain to Lily, but I didn’t want to fuck up at work that way.
I wondered when I became such an asshole as I walked back into my office. I had been broken beyond belief after losing Madeline and our baby. I’d been bitter, angry, and I’d slept with anything that had a pussy once I finally left my house. It had been similar with Nadine apart from all the grief. I didn’t consider her too much of a loss.
Lily was a whole different animal. She reminded me just enough of Madeline to make my heart ache, but she was her own person as well and was unlike so many women her age. She shone like a star compared to most of the bitches who worked here, as well as the ones I went home with from any given bar. Lily was complex and ahead of her time, in my opinion. She was everything I’d been looking for without realizing it since I lost Madeline.
It just seemed like too much was stacked against us for it to ever work.
I looked at my computer at around four thirty, knowing my hired woman would be arriving soon. It wasn’t something I always did, but I needed experience and skill tonight. I wanted a woman who was open to anything and for Lily to see it. Didn’t jealousy work sometimes with a woman? I heard a tap at my door and a familiar voice calling out my name, so I told Jennifer to come inside. She looked hot in a blue dress with flawless makeup on her face, and I watched her walk over to my desk as she looked around. “Being at the office is different.”
“I just needed a break in my day. Late night and all,” I said as she walked around and sat on the desk in front of me. The view was great, but I stood and held out my hand. “Let’s go to the couch. We can have a lot more fun over there.” She chuckled and walked with me, falling noisily onto the leather as I smiled.
Lily
The days passed by as I fought my lingering feelings for Landon and tried to focus on Brian. He had moved in over the last couple of weeks, and it comforted me to sleep in bed with him at night. He was tender with me as if he thought I might break, though, which was something I needed to change. I wanted it the way Landon used to fuck me, if only for the familiar feeling. Brian didn’t know that part of me, not truly. It was time to introduce it to him so maybe I could finally stop thinking about Landon. Seeing that woman going into his office and hearing the beginnings of what they were doing had really affected me in ways that I never expected. I’d thought that I was over him when I chose Brian.
Life was complicated, but I was too stubborn to leave such a good job because I’d screwed up. We weren’t the first two people to mix business with pleasure, nor the last. We could both move past this.
I glanced at Landon’s closed door as I arrived to the office one day, thankful no more women had come to the building. I knew he was busy away from work, and I still envied those women, but I tried to push away my feelings.
I couldn’t help but think about all we’d talked about, reminding me that it had been more than on office tryst.
I threw myself into being with Brian: cooking dinner together, going out on dates, and trying to spice up our sex life. We were young and there was a lot to do—something I’d learned from my older man.
Brian was willing to experiment, but I still thought of Landon.
I noticed Landon on the street with a redhead on a regular basis in the next couple of months, and I hid the truth from Brian about why I initiated sex every night before bed. I demanded more from him each time, pleased with his enthusiasm but still missing the man I’d given up. The days and nights started to blend together, and I finally accepted Jasmine’s invitation for dinner and drinks one night to get a break.
We left the office together and walked over to a local pub she had recently discovered and loved. I looked around at the large main room with tables, a massive bar, several television sets, and even a stage for live music. “I feel like I haven’t talked to you in forever,” I said as we found a table in the back and settled into the comfortable bench seats.
“You’ve been playing house. How’s that going?” she asked, her green eyes twinkling. Jasmine had a new boyfriend of about a month herself and was crazy about him.
“It’s nice, you know? We seem to be so much more about each other now and like real adults. We cook dinner and stuff, and it’s comforting,” I said as she searched my face. She knew I’d gone home with Landon that night and eventually ended it, and she’d helped me through the harder parts of the process. She was the only person I’d told about Landon to this day, knowing Brian could never know about us.
“Is everything okay with you and the boss?” she asked as I stared at the table.
“He had a woman come to the office a few weeks ago. She looked so polished and beautiful, and the bitch had the nerve to wink at me. I wonder if he told her to do that to get deeper under my skin.” I knew pain was written on my face as I raised my eyes to look at her. “Did I make the right choice?”
“I can’t answer that, but this way you have the guy and the job? Both are important to you, aren’t they?” Her voice prodded me, making me nod. “Things would change with a different choice, and that might not be what you want. Give it a little time and see what happens.”
“Yeah, you’re right. It’s just new and everything is changing so much.” Jasmine smiled and handed me a menu. We ordered some drinks and dinner and she told me about her new guy, glowing as her voice rose with happiness. I was comfortable with Brian, content, but I didn’t glow like Jasmine did. We’d also been together about seven months longer than Jasmine and her boyfriend. I felt like I glowed with Landon, but he was so forbidden that it made it hotter. Surely seven months down the line, we wouldn’t be like that anymore. I would be in a different position that might not be right for me, that payed less or maybe didn’t look as good on a resume. I went to college to get a great job and this was it. I needed it for the next step, and leaving it made me worry. What if the truth got out there and people knew Landon and I were involved? I didn’t want that anywhere near my name, and if I stayed on as just Landon’s assistant, there wouldn’t be any suspicions and consequently no rumors.
At least I hoped so. I trusted Landon enough not to talk about us, because he told me he wouldn’t. I thought he cared about me enough to keep his word.
Jasmine and I were finishing our third round of drinks when I looked up to see Landon passing the window with his friends. He was also with a woman, and his arm kept her close to his side as he laughed at something someone said. I watched for a long moment, and Jasmine caught on to what I was doing. She looked and then frowned as she smiled at me. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah. I can’t be with him no matter how I look at it. I must accept that, and it isn’t like Brian is a bad guy. He has been trying hard with me and being what I wanted him to be back then, which is originally what led me to Landon. Right? Women cheat when they don’t get what they need at home…or men, for that matter.” I never did deal with the fact that I had cheated, and I felt a wave of emotion hit me. “Why did I do that to him? I am not that person, Jasmine. I never considered it before and I didn’t then. It just happened.” Tears flooded my eyes, and I was surprised by the strength of my guilt and sadness. “What did I do?”
“Oh, sweetie.” Jasmine came around to my side of the table and hugged me as I let the wall of grief finally break. I cried for a few minutes, knowing people were staring at me but letting them go with the emotional-girl theory. Fuck them. I needed this after the tumultuous last few months, since the guilt and pain affected every part of my soul. I need to let it lift so I could see clearly what I had in front of me and appreciate it. Like the good friend she was, Jasmine stroked my hair and assured me that life just happened. It wasn’t always pretty or easy, quite the opposite. It was hard and fucked up, and we learned something from all of it.
When I was calm, she remained by my side and we toasted to the futu
re.
We left around an hour later, and I felt lighter somehow. I felt like I could tackle things as I grabbed a cab and rode home to my apartment . . . our apartment. It was set up for us as a team and a couple, with the second bedroom turned into an office and something of a reading room. My apartment wasn’t big, but I did live in New York, so that was typical and everyone just made it work. Brian and I had a plan to get something else down the line once he got a couple of promotions and we could afford something bigger.
I gave the driver a large bill with a smile as I got out of the back and hurried into my building and up the flight of stairs. I unlocked the door to our second story apartment, pushing it open as I glanced inside. The light was on in the kitchen, and I closed and locked the door. “Bri?”
“Hi, babe. I’m just watching TV. How was dinner?” he asked as I dropped my purse on the bistro table and went into the living room, where he was on the couch watching a movie.
“Dinner was good and the drinks were even better.” I’d cleaned up my face before I left, and the cold water I’d splashed around my eyes had helped with the redness. I thought I might pass as being happy, though I really did feel a lot better now.
“You cabbed it home, right?” he asked as he looked at me, and I nodded with a smile. I snuggled close to him and he wrapped his arm around me. “Good.” Brian kissed my hair. “I love you too much to lose you.”
“How do you know that?” I asked him dreamily as I draped my arm over his bare stomach.
“I started realizing it toward the end when things were falling apart. I knew I fucked up when I lost you, and that was when I decided to woo you. I’m glad it worked.” He grinned as I looked at him. I remembered meeting him at a party eight months ago and being taken by him immediately as we talked closely all night. He had been funny and easy to talk to, and we’d started dating right away. I had been looking for a job at the time so I could start paying for my apartment with a paycheck instead of grants and the money left to me by my parents. Looking back, I knew I’d been stressed out from the pressure, and maybe that contributed to our ending and, consequently, the affair. Tonight made me wonder more than ever if I should tell Brian about it. I was somewhat certain it was over with Landon, that I wouldn’t fall for his charms again, so I just didn’t see any reason to reveal the truth to Brian right now, not when we were working through everything. I liked my job and the experience it was giving me, and I didn’t want to give it up.