Looking over my shoulder, I see him standing back with his hands in his pockets. I sense a nervous vibe coming off of him like he’s not sure if it was okay for him to do this. It was more than okay and further proves how much he cares about me. He told me he was going to marry me someday, and as I look at his smiling face, I hope it’s sooner rather than later.
“You are amazing, do you know that?” I wrap my arms around his neck and look up at him.
He shrugs. “I figured we’d celebrate the end of this journey the same way we started the beginning.”
My head tilts to the side as I squint in confusion. “But you didn’t know my scans would be cancer free.”
“It didn’t matter. I wasn’t going to let you fall like you did last time. We were going to celebrate life regardless.”
Yep, he’s perfect for me. I don’t know why it took a near-death experience to finally admit it to myself, but I can’t imagine a more thoughtful, caring, and supportive person to walk through life with.
My energy isn’t one hundred percent yet since I did my last round of radiation a few weeks ago, but I push through to celebrate with my friends and family.
There’s food and drinks everywhere, but most importantly there’s tons of laughing, talking, and enjoying life. I’m surrounding by the people who mean the most to me and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
“I’d like to make a toast,” Scarlett announces. “Paige, you have handled this with so much strength and bravery. I admire you far beyond words could possibly say. There was never a doubt in my mind that you would beat this. I love you, girl.” She holds up her drink in salute before coming over to give me a big hug.
“I know you think I’m overbearing and worry too much,” my mom says next. She is a bit dramatic, but I wouldn’t necessarily classify her as overbearing since we hardly talk, but I don’t tell her that. “But it’s only because I love you and want nothing but the best for you. To know you were hurting was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced, which was made worse by the fact that there was nothing I could do. You’ll understand one day.” She winks and I get the hidden meaning behind her words.
“You guys are going to make me cry.” I fan my face, hoping to push away the tears the kind words from my friends has caused. I honestly didn’t know a person could produce so many in a lifetime.
Sean comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist. With his head resting on my shoulder, he says, “Save your energy. Our celebration starts tonight.”
His promise goes straight to my core and the only thing I can think is I can’t wait.
Sean
IT’S BEEN TWO months since we were given the all clear, and I can finally say I have my Paige back. The light shines bright in her eyes and she’s constantly giving me hell. I couldn’t be happier.
The two of us are sitting at the edge of a dock on a lake, our legs hanging over the edge. Dragonflies zip by as they skip across the water that’s so still it looks like glass. Frogs create the perfect music in the background while our legs swing back and forth to the rhythm.
We’ve been sitting here for about two hours, just talking about the future, and it’s nice. It wasn’t long ago I couldn’t get Paige to say anything about her plans or the goals she wanted to accomplish. I think a part of her was afraid she’d jinx it. Like a superstitious athlete; if you speak of it, it won’t happen. Now, that’s all she talks about.
“I’m excited about my job interview on Monday,” she says, her legs swinging back and forth.
“Ugh, you’ll be working for the competition now.” Mock repulsion and disgust coat my words, making her laugh. “If you would’ve filed for FMLA we could’ve kept your spot open,” I remind her. I kept pushing her to do this, but she refused. Again, I think it had to do with refusing to look toward the future.
“You’ll get over it.” She nudges my shoulder, a playful gleam in her eye. I know how important her career is to her, so I’m happy she found an opening for the same position she held with us. I’ve been helping her prepare for her interview and I have no doubt she’ll rock it.
With my arms stretched out behind me, our hands touch. I link my pinky finger with hers and look at her from the corner of my eye. She is stunning, even when she’s not trying. The dimming sun bounces off of her face, creating a glow that’s mesmerizing. If this was the last image I saw before I died, I would be perfectly content.
“I like your hair like that,” I tell her. It’s started to grow back, but it’s still short. I think she said something about a pixie or a fairy or some shit. All I know is I like it.
She self-consciously tucks the short pieces behind her ear, but they don’t move. “You do?”
“Yeah, it lets me see your beautiful face.” Leaning in, I kiss her neck. The easy access to it is another added bonus of not having hair in the way.
A content sigh leaves her lips and a small grin graces her face as she looks out to the water. Everything about this moment is perfect and I realize now’s the time.
“I wanted to talk to you about something.” Standing up, I hold my hands out to help her up. Once she’s on her feet, I pull the black box out that’s been digging into my leg all evening and get down on one knee. She covers her mouth with her hand as her eyes go wide.
“I tried planning some elaborate way to do this, but I realized that’s not us. Even though we’ve been through a lot, the core of our relationship has always been pure and simple, so I thought this should be too. Paige, you’re everything to me. You make air worth breathing, sights worth seeing, and life worth living.”
A single tear rolls down her cheek as she waits for me to say the four words on the tip of my tongue.
Popping the box open, I reveal a two carat, round cut stone with a diamond band. “So I have one more random question for you; will you marry me?”
She nods several times before saying, “Yes.” I slip the ring on her finger, stand up, and wrap her in my arms. She cups my face with her hands and plants a kiss on me. This right here is all I need in the world. With my girl in my arms and by my side forever, nothing else matters.
“There’s something I wanted to talk to you about too and now seems like a good time.”
“Sure.” I study her face for any clue, but there is none.
“How do you feel about looking for a surrogate?” She bites her lip and I can see the nerves written all over her.
“I thought that was always the plan.”
“No—I mean, yeah, but what do you think about doing it now?”
A moment ago I thought my life couldn’t be more complete, but I was wrong. I dive in for a kiss, allowing my lips to answer her. When we both need to come up for air, I pull back and look down at her, making sure she got the message.
“You’re okay with it? I know we’re not married yet so we’re doing things a little out of order, but—”
“Paige, I’ll march us down to the courthouse first thing Monday morning and marry you now if that’ll make you feel better.”
She rolls her eyes and shakes her head. “You know my friends would kill me if we did that. I still haven’t forgiven Lydia for eloping. I figured it might be a while before we find the right person to carry our baby.”
Our baby.
It’s the first time I’ve ever heard her say that and it damn near takes my breath away. Even during the egg retrieval process it was a topic that went undiscussed. Again, she refused to talk about the future and that included me being the sperm donor for her eggs. I’m not going to lie, it stung at first, but in the end I knew this is where we’d eventually end up.
“Yes, I’m okay with it. You agreed to make me your husband, now a father? I’m fucking thrilled.”
She beams up at me. “Okay. I’ll call the fertility doctor on Monday to get the ball rolling then.”
I sit back down on the dock and pull her down next to me. She rests her head against my shoulder and this time it’s me letting out a sigh.
I never con
sidered myself a lucky man. My dad always taught my brother and me that everything is achieved through hard work. If you wait on luck, opportunity will pass you by. But it wasn’t hard work that brought Paige into my life. I’m not even sure it was luck. It feels more like fate.
Paige
Six months later . . .
I ALWAYS THOUGHT I’d be more nervous on this day, but I’m surprisingly calm. When the girls asked me how I was feeling and I expressed concerns that I’m eerily okay, they assured me it meant I had no doubts.
And I don’t.
I take in my appearance in the full-length mirror as I wait to meet my groom at the end of the aisle. My dress has an illusion neckline with flower details all over the bust that fade down the full skirt. The ivory color complements my skin tone while the A-line shape accentuates my waist. I opted for a diamond encrusted headband instead of a veil, especially since my hair is still short.
After Sean told me how much he liked the way it was, I decided to keep it. My lack of hair was always a reminder of the monster eating away at me on the inside. Now that it’s not there, I was able to embrace it with Sean’s help. It was now a reminder of the survivor I am and the battle I fought to get here.
A knock on the door draws my attention. Walking toward it, I grab the knob and am about to open it when I hear, “Don’t open it.”
Sean.
My heart beats a rhythm that only his can recognize. “What are you doing?” I ask. The ceremony should be starting soon. In fact, I thought it was my dad knocking to tell me we’re ready to go.
“I just wanted to come see you before we got started.” He pauses, then asks, “Are you nervous?”
“No,” I respond without hesitation.
“Good, me neither.”
I’m relieved to know he’s just as sure about us as I am.
“Random fact,” he says, causing a smile to pull at my lips. A wave of nostalgia comes over me as we’re taken back to the beginning with our random questions and facts. “I can’t wait to make you Mrs. Sean Riley.”
“Oh,” I say, dread heavy in my voice. “I guess now is a bad time to tell you I kind of want to keep my last name.”
Silence.
I try hard to hold it in, but can’t and soon I’m giggling wishing I could see his face right now.
“You’re giving me shit on our wedding day? Really, babe?” I hear the humor in his tone and I know he’s not upset.
“Sorry, you make it too easy.”
“Just remember payback’s a bitch, gorgeous.” My core tightens at the promise behind his words. I’ve told him before he shouldn’t make his punishments so damn enjoyable if he wants me to take him seriously.
“Random fact.” I wait for him to ask me what it is, but he just waits. “I can’t wait to make you Mr. Paige Stewart.”
“Okay, now you’re taking this joking thing a little too far. I’m getting out of here before you emasculate me any further.”
“Love you!” I shout through the door.
“I love you too. See you in a few.” I listen as his footsteps fade down the hallway.
My stomach flutters and I get antsy. Why is it taking so long to get going? Finally, there’s another knock on the door and this time it’s my dad on the other side.
“Oh, sweetheart,” he says as he looks at me. “You are gorgeous.” He presses his lips together as his eyes well up. I’ve never seen my dad show so much emotion in my life, making it hard to keep it together myself.
“You have to stop with all that or you’re going to make me cry and ruin my makeup.” I wave at my face with my hand and look up at the ceiling.
“Sorry, I’m getting soft in my old age.” I smile affectionately at him as he holds his elbow out for me to take. “You ready to do this?” he asks.
“I was ready the moment he asked me.”
“Then let’s go.”
As we walk to the door, I grab my bouquet of white ranunculus and eucalyptus before heading out. The closer we get, the stronger the butterflies in my stomach get. But it’s not from nerves, but excitement and before I know it, the music starts and we’re headed toward my forever.
A white aisle touches my feet as I pass rows of our family and friends. Mason jars filled with flowers hanging from hooks guide the way as the sun shines down on us. As beautiful as it is, all of it vanishes the moment Sean’s eyes land on mine. He smiles brightly at me and I think I forget how to breathe.
I can’t believe this is finally happening.
My dad hands me off to my soon-to-be husband and I’m consumed with so many emotions I’m on the verge of tears. With a gorgeous barn as our backdrop, the whisper of a breeze, and no clouds in sight, this moment couldn’t be more perfect. But the best part is I’m about to marry my soulmate in front of our closest family and friends.
The minister begins the ceremony, and it might sound bad, but I don’t hear much of what he says. I’m too busy focusing on the amazing man in front of me. Luckily, I catch the part where we get to say our vows to each other.
“Paige, I knew from the moment I saw you that you’d be my wife. You may have needed more convincing, but at least we’re here.” The corner of his mouth quirks up, and I can’t contain a small giggle. I’m not the only one either as our guests laugh too. “I promise to make you laugh with an endless supply of bad jokes, take care of you in good times and bad, and be there to support you in your goals and ambitions. But most importantly, I promise to love you with every beat of my heart and piece of my soul.”
I have to swallow hard and pause to regain my composure. “Sean, there have been many times I’ve wondered how I made it through everything that was thrown my way. Then I take in your reassuring eyes and listen to your comforting words and know it was because of you. You have been my strength when I was weak, my light in the dark, and my reason for living.” Sean takes a deep breath and blinks rapidly to hold back the tears. I sniff and talk around the lump in my throat.
“I promise to love you unconditionally, bad jokes and all.” This gets him to laugh and I giggle myself. “I promise to be by your side in your dark moments as you were mine, and I vow to spend the rest of my life proving that I deserve a good man like you.”
Sean cups my face with one hand and pulls me in for a kiss. A couple moments pass before a throat clears beside us.
“You’re a little early,” our minister lightly admonishes.
“Sorry, I couldn’t help myself,” Sean says. He’s not the least bit sorry, and neither am I.
We’re finally declared man and wife and seal the deal with our first official kiss. He dips me backward and kisses me like it’s the first time our lips have touched.
Our friends and family clap and Sean pulls back and looks down on me. “Tell me you love me,” he demands.
“I love you.”
After pictures, we head into the barn for our reception, which is romantically decorated in swaths of white drapery and mason jars filled with flowers.
“You did it!” Scarlett squeals as she approaches me with Lydia and Charlotte after we’ve eaten.
“I know!”
“I’m so happy for you, Paige,” Lydia says, her son, Marcus Jr., placed on her hip. I was so sick when he was born, but it feels like we blinked and now he’s almost a year old.
“We all are,” Charlotte adds. She looks toward the dance floor where Nathaniel waddles across it, Nate close by watching. For a one-and-a-half-year-old, he’s got some moves.
“I think it’s nice of you to put that poor boy out of his misery. Lord knows he worked hard enough to get you here,” Scarlett chimes in.
I roll my eyes but know she’s joking. “I know, I know. Trust me, I feel like an idiot all the time for it, but I’m a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. So this was how it was supposed to be.”
A waiter walks by with a tray and we each take a glass of champagne off of it while we catch up and chat for a bit. The four of us are so busy nowadays we don’t get to see
each other much. The older we get, I realize the less eventful our lives are. Everyone is busy with either work, kids, or both. Scarlett has still sworn off men, but I did notice she kept mentioning a particular student several times, so I make a mental note to dive into that later.
“Alright, ladies, you’ve had enough time with my bride. I need her back now,” Sean interrupts. I go with him willingly as he whisks me off to the dance floor.
I get lost in his blue eyes as we sway to the music. Our guests begin filtering in on the dance floor with us. “Ready to make our toast?” he asks me when the song is over. I nod, excitement and nervousness hitting me.
Sean taps a knife against a glass to get everyone’s attention. When it’s quiet, he starts. “Thank you all for coming tonight. It means a lot to Paige and me that you’re here to help celebrate one of the most important days of our lives. So while we’re all gathered, we have an announcement.” He looks at me, knowing this is a delicate topic.
“As most of you know, I had to have a hysterectomy to get rid of my cancer. We had eggs frozen in the hopes we’d be able to have a child through surrogacy. Well, we just got word from our doctor last week that two of the embryos took and we’re having twins!”
There’s a gasp from a couple people followed by overwhelming cheers.
I look up at Sean, surrounded and filled with love and realize this is what it feels like to be complete. I thought the biggest risk was handing my heart over to Sean, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. Because as I look up at the person who owns my heart, I know I’ve never been safer.
“Tell me you love me,” I say.
“I love you, Paige. Always.”
For a sneak peek of Scarlett’s story, turn the page.
*Please note, this has been unedited and subject to change.*
JONATHAN HAS BEEN struggling in my class, so I made a suggestion for him to come see me during office hours one day after class. He seemed reluctant, but sent an email saying he’d stop by.
At Her Own Risk Page 18