“Not if I told them not to.”
Rubin’s young, almost-innocent but very knowing eyes searched mine. “What if I could prove to them how trustworthy I am?”
“I’m listening…”
Rubin shuffled his stool and himself as close as he could possibly get, and Deeks instinctively leaned in with him. Our faces were no more than a few inches apart. I could smell the whiskey on Deeks’ breath and the over applied teenage deodorant from Rubin.
“Mom said Dad is spending a lot of time with that scary looking woman who’s always in Rusty’s. The one who looks like a shorter haired Cruella DeVil?”
“Winnie,” I said on a breath.
“You know her?”
“She’s ATF.”
“ATWhat?” He frowned hard.
“Part of the law, kid,” I told him quietly. “They’re responsible for anyone in this country who is trafficking, building weapons, acts of arson…” I looked over at Deeks, the memories of our perfectly plotted warehouse explosion drifting back to me before I looked back at Rubin. “They take down criminal organizations and shit.”
“Babylon has those?”
I couldn’t help my smirk as I raised both brows and pressed my lips together. “Uh, yeh.”
I waited for the penny to drop, and when it did, Rubin just looked really fucking angry. “That’s bullshit!” he whisper-cried. “You guys aren’t like that. The Hounds don’t work that way. It’s… You’re… What the fuck?”
“Shh,” I said, amused. “But thanks for the vote of support.”
“You think she’s coming after you guys for real?”
“We know she is.” I drained my beer quickly, taking half the bottle in a few thirsty gulps before I dropped it back on the bar. “If your dad is spending time with her, and after the night at Rusty’s when he was pressing Sutton and his force to make one of us pay for what happened, that could mean he’s trying to take us down, too, Rube.”
“Fuck.” He slammed a balled up fist down on the bar, his eyes searching the surface of it wildly. I looked over his shoulder to see the women and Owen had both looked up out of curiosity, but Moose still slept on. After a second, they all looked away again and got back to their business.
“Hey,” I whispered, leaning closer to him. “Rein it in.”
“Sorry,” he practically growled. “I just… he’s such a....”
“Dick?” Deeks offered sweetly.
“A pussy,” Rubin corrected.
“Betty White says they’re stronger. They can take a pounding. You should go with dick, kid. They’re easier to snap.” Deeks’ smile was one that said he was proud of himself for that one, and I had to admit, it made my chest bounce with silent laughter as I watched on. Rubin didn’t see the funny side, though. He was openly furious.
“You really don’t like your father, do you?” I asked him after a few seconds of silence.
When Rubin looked up, his eyes were bloodshot, and his face was set to stone. “What’s to like about a man you know is more corrupt than the people he’s constantly trying to keep off his streets?”
My face fell instantly. All my cool and humor dropped to the floor like a lead weight, and the hairs on the back of my neck stood to attention immediately. Rubin’s skin paled, but his eyes were made from fire and rage as he held my gaze and worked the muscles in his jaw.
“You don’t have to do this…” I warned him, knowing what was about to come out of his mouth before he spoke the words. “Once you do, there’s no going back.”
Deeks looked up at me, his face full of questions that were tainted with a smidge of worry.
But all I saw was Rubin.
“Kid…” I ground out.
“I want to work with you if I can. I want the men to trust me,” Rubin began. “I want you to trust me.”
My chest rose and fell as I released all the air in my body and waited for him to go on.
“I don’t know much, but I know he isn’t as innocent as Babylon thinks he is. I hate the way he treats me, treats Mom. I know he’s not a nice man, Drew. Sometimes, I feel it in my bones with just one look at him. He’s my dad, but he’s also a stranger to me.”
“Son…” Deeks tried to interrupt, but Rubin was a boy who wanted to become a man, his path set in a way he’d never expected it to be set and his course clear. I’d seen that look before. I’d seen it a thousand times in the mirror. Staring at it on someone other than myself was chilling, but also made the adrenaline rise to the surface.
“I want to earn your trust. I can get close to him. To the law. I can be your mole instead of the rat the others expect me to be. Let me in, Drew. Let me help.”
The two of us stared at each other for a long time. A huge part of me wanted to say no. Rubin had something about him, something pure and rare, and I knew this life would only take that away, turn his white to gray before he eventually became an angry man with black on his chest, Prospect over his heart, and The Hounds in his blood.
He was at a crossroads.
A responsible man would have urged him down the path that ensured his life be nothing but good.
But I wasn’t that man. I had a club to protect, and something about the kid made me believe he could be the secret weapon we didn’t even know we needed.
I searched his eyes for a sign of doubt. It wasn’t there no matter how hard I looked or how deep I dug. In the end, there was only one thing left for me to say.
“You’re in.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
AYDA
I hadn’t been to the principal’s office… ever. Not in my years pounding these halls, and not since Tate had started here, but that was all changing. The call I’d taken less than an hour ago had destroyed our perfect record, and one look at Tate’s face and he knew he was waist deep in a shit storm he wasn’t going to puppy dog eyes his way out of. He could see it in the tension that made every muscle in my body rigid, and the slow jumping tap of my leg on the shitty high traffic carpet that lined the offices.
“What the fuck were you thinking?” I asked through gritted teeth.
“I wasn’t.”
“Clearly.”
I had just been lectured by a man who was old enough to be my father about my erratic and negligent parenting techniques, and the exaggerated need for the correct sexual education of a boy Tate’s age, because the boy—Tate—had been caught fucking his older girlfriend in a shower stall in the gym.
I’d never been so mortified in my life.
“She came to apologize. We’ve been fighting, and—”
“Do not finish that fucking sentence, Tate. If you ever want to see the light of day again, you will keep your goddamn mouth shut and take your licks. I told you both last week: no more visits here at school. I told you to stay away from one another while you’re here, and now here we are. You’re on academic probation, suspended from the team, and making me look like an irresponsible guardian.” I took a breath and shook my head, opening my mouth to keep going and slamming it shut again when the door to the office opened, and the coach stepped out. He’d been in there trying to reinstate Tate with the team because the suspension would have to take place next football season, and that would include the homecoming game.
I rose to my feet, trying my best not to slap the shit out of Tate as I forced him to stay seated.
“I tried, but the old man said he had to make an example of him. I’m sorry, Ayda.” He was addressing me because he, too, was at the end of his patience rope with Tate. He was pushing everyone to their limits these days, and this was a wake-up call for me.
I nodded as humbly as I could and smiled sadly. “Thanks for trying, coach.”
Throwing a look of disbelief at my little brother, the coach gave me one last parting smile before leaving the office.
“Get up,” I snapped.
“Ayda, I’m not a child—”
I stopped him in his tracks with one look and dug for the keys to the car I’d borrowed in my pocket, pushing
past him as I followed the coach from the office and made my way from the empty school. I’d forced Tate to leave his bike at The Hut when they’d called us in. He was either getting in the goddamn car or walking home.
Tate followed me out, as I’d expected him to, his muscular body lurching as his long strides had him catching up with me effortlessly. He didn’t speak to me, just held his silence, his shoulders curled in, and his hands balled at his sides. He was brooding, not because he was sorry, but because he’d been caught. People who were sorry wouldn’t go out and do it all over again, and I knew from experience that that’s exactly what would happen.
We both climbed into the car. The moment the doors closed, my anger died and my disappointment set in. I placed my hands on the steering wheel after I’d started the engine and the crisp air blew over us. I had to take another tactic with Tate before I lost him completely.
“I’m sorry, Tate.”
My kid brother looked over at me, his head snapping to the side hard enough that it made me wince. I didn’t look at him, just stared straight out of the windshield at the school that held so many old and new memories for me. I wasn’t sure I could look at him right now and not burst into tears from the sheer frustration.
“For what?” he asked, and I could see the frown on his young face from the corners of my eyes.
“For a lot of things. I forget how young you are, and because of that, I keep thinking that you’re capable of making mature decisions. I think that you need me less. I believe that you don’t need someone to babysit you twenty-four-goddamn-seven. Mostly, I’m sorry that I failed you, and that I stopped being a parent.”
“Ayda...”
“So, here’s how it’s gonna go, kid. From here on in, you’re going to have to prove that I can trust you. You’re going to come home from school and check in with me, Drew, Deeks, or anyone else that agrees to be a check in for you.”
“What?”
“You heard me, Tate. You earn your privileges, and that includes your bike—”
“Oh, hell no! Fuck that.”
I snapped my head in his direction and narrowed my eyes, somehow managing to keep absolutely calm. I knew how disorientating that was and how intimidating it could be. If this kid wanted to play games, I was going to play, but he wasn’t going to like how far I took them.
“That was exactly the reaction I had when I was called in here because you were screwing your girlfriend on high school property.”
“You don’t understand—”
“I understand just fine. I have given you too much rope, and you’ve finally hung yourself with it.”
Tate pulled his arm back, fist balled, ready to punch the dash. He was already picking up momentum when my hand circled his wrist and diverted it from its trajectory.
“Not my car.”
“Fuck you.”
I tried my best not to recoil at the venom in his voice. My sweet kid brother was nowhere in sight at the moment, and in his place was this bitter little shithead who looked as though he hated me. I wasn’t sure how to respond to this, how to derail this confrontation that was inbound. Slater had warned me this was coming, but I’d been so lost in what was going on in my life that I’d ignored the warning and given him a free pass because he was grieving.
Grief was evil and capable of so much pain and destruction, but this was too much.
“I love you, Tate. It’s okay that you hate me, but if you ever say fuck you to me again, I will have to rethink this whole life for you.”
“Whatever.”
I dropped his wrist and grabbed his chin, too big to belong to a teenager, and I turned his face to meet mine. Our eyes met, the same color fusing together between us. I needed him to see how deadly serious I was. I needed him to understand that as much as I couldn’t leave Drew or this life now, I still loved the kid enough to think about an alternative until he was old enough to make his own choices. He would hate me, and I would hate myself, but it was a necessary threat. He needed to know I had choices, too. Ones I would follow through on if I were pushed.
“It was just sex,” he said, resignation in his tone.
“And you’re sixteen. I’ve given you so much freedom because I felt like you could handle it, Tate. Was I wrong?”
“Ayda, I’m fine.”
“You’re nowhere near fine.”
“Don’t do this.”
“I’m not doing anything but talking to you.”
“And I don’t want to talk.”
“But you need to. I’m so sick of this attitude you’ve got going. This isn’t who you are.”
Tate huffed out a laugh and knocked my hand away from his chin. The snide and sardonic smile that came over his lips made me feel ill. “Maybe it’s who I am now.”
“Then I need to make a change.”
“If you try anything, I’ll just take off. I’m not afraid of being alone.”
“You gonna walk?” I asked, putting the car into gear and reversing from the spot. “Because you’re not taking my bike.”
“Your bike?”
“It’s in my name, Tate.”
“Why are you doing this?” he asked, pulling his seatbelt on and twisting in his seat to look at me. “Can’t you accept that I’m doing what’s best for me, that I’m living my life the way I want to live it.”
“Have I given you a hard time about that?”
He waved his arms at me, indicating that it was exactly what I was doing right now.
“I think this is warranted. I told you the moment your schoolwork started to suffer that I was going to get involved. You promised me that our living at The Hut wouldn’t interrupt your school or your football. You swore you had it all under control.”
“But that was before everything changed!” he roared, rubbing his face with his hands. He dragged his fingers down leaving pale marks against his anger-reddened skin. His eyes, so familiar to mine, grew red as tears pooled over the bottom lid. He desperately blinked, trying to rid himself of them, but it was too late. I’d seen them. They were anger and sadness and frustration.
“Change happens, Tate. It’s inevitable. It doesn’t mean we have to like it. It doesn’t mean we always deal with it well, but you’re out of control. You’re pushing everyone away, even the girl you’re trying to hold onto. You’re so stuck inside your own head that you can’t see that your behavior is touching everyone.”
Tate moved a hand to his mouth. I’d known him all his life, and I knew he was trying to stuff all that emotion back down, not allow it to verbalize itself because once it was out there, he couldn’t take it back.
“I let myself get too close,” he muttered under his breath, shaking his head in denial.
It was those six words that led to my epiphany. I finally understood why he was pushing everyone away. This didn’t excuse his behavior, it didn’t lessen my anger at him, either, but it helped me see what I’d been missing. I threw the car back into park so I could look at him properly.
“People die, Tate. Whether you love them or not, people die. It sucks and hurts, and it can destroy you, but pushing people who are still alive away isn’t going to save you that pain. It will just make you lonely. Mom and Dad didn’t choose to leave, and neither did Harry. It was all just shitty timing and a bunch of assholes with a thorn in their paws. People are going to come and go in your life, but that doesn’t mean you should stop loving the people who love you.”
Fat tears rolled down Tate’s cheeks in perfect lines as he just stared at me. He seemed like he was in disbelief that I could have figured it all out, that I could ever understand what he was feeling, but like most kids, he was self-involved with his own pain. He hadn’t considered that I’d suffered those same losses and felt all those voids in my chest just as brutally as he did. We all did.
“I can’t go back to the way things were,” Tate said quietly, his voice thick and raw.
“I don’t expect you to,” I said, placing my hand on his cheek. “Just try directing your anger
at the people who deserve it. Stop pushing away the people who love you, and for fuck’s sake, screw your girlfriend in more appropriate places.”
He let out a thick chuckle and leaned into my palm. “I will try and do better.”
“You also need to stop bottling this shit up. If you need to talk, I am always there. Always. I love you, Tater Tot.”
“Don’t call me that!”
“Tater Tot,” I said, dropping my hand and staring at him pointedly.
“Stop.”
“You know what I want, Tater Tot.”
“Oh, God.” He shook his head in exasperation. “I love you, too.”
I nodded in satisfaction and put the car into drive again. He was silent for a while, choosing to fall into thought rather than talk, but I was okay with that. The weird tension that seemed to hang around him most days was absent for now, the silence more companionable.
When I pulled onto the street that led to The Hut, he glanced over at me.
“What?” I asked.
“Does this mean I can keep my bike?”
I laughed once. “You can have it back in two weeks.”
“Fuck!”
I hid my smile as I turned into the yard. He was lucky it wasn’t indefinitely.
Chapter Twenty-Four
DREW
Pulling my phone out from the back pocket of my jeans, I glanced at the screen. No missed calls from Ayda. No texts. I didn’t want to be that guy, but I also knew I’d never see a day where I didn’t worry about her when she wasn’t with me.
But one bottle of beer turned to five, and somewhere among the empties that we’d thrown behind us, I’d lost that edge I carried around so heavily. All I could think about was what Rubin had offered. How he’d put himself out there, made a promise to a bunch of guys he didn’t really know, and that promise involved potentially bringing down his own father.
Maybe he was tougher than any of us knew. He already proved he could shoot when it counted.
Slater was sitting beside him now, meaning Rubin was flanked by him and Deeks, while I leaned back against the wall and watched them ruffling his hair and poking fun at him. Rubin soaked up every joke they passed his way, never once looking like the moody teenage brat his best friend Tate sometimes looked like when among the guys. Did that mean Rubin felt more natural here than Tate did? I hoped not, but I didn’t have time to think about that anymore because Jedd had strolled up behind the three of them, scowling and eventually looking up at me.
WITHOUT SHAME: Babylon MC Book 4 Page 19