by Lisa Graves
“With me.” He hugged me tight.
“I thought it left me in love with myself.”
“I think you’re pretty great.”
“Thanks.” I was happy he didn’t know I heard him use the “L” word this morning in his sleep. And I was more than thankful that he didn’t use it now.
I did love Nicholas, just not in a romantic way. I never did. But the way I felt about Elliott seemed to be getting stronger by the minute. It was only intensified whenever he was near me. His magnetic touch seemed to draw me to him. I was proud that I was having this conversation with Nicholas without crying.
“You realize that still leaves me crazy though.”
Nicholas laughed, and it made me happy that I could hear the usual easygoing tone was returning.
“I don’t think you’re crazy. People live in their heads all the time. In fact most people do, whether they realize it or not.”
I was starting to feel a little better. I was starting to feel more certain that Nicholas would come around. I still had one haven to retreat to. It was funny though, because it wasn’t his words that comforted me, it was the fact that even though a straight jacket and padded white room seemed to be an imminent part of my future, I had my friend back, standing (uh, sitting) beside me.
“Lil.”
“What?” I could tell that his tone had changed, and it worried me. It wasn’t the same sad sound as before, but rather unsure and worried now.
Nicholas hugged me tighter. I was so small in comparison to him, I was lost in his arms. I felt his breath on my cheek as he tucked his face down by mine and whispered in my ear, “What’s real or isn’t real doesn’t matter. The consequences are the same you know.” There was a pause as he took a deep breath and said, “Please pick me.” He then gently kissed my cheek.
“I. . . have to go.” I stood up so fast I felt a little dizzy, but I needed to get out of there. The cellar seemed to have somehow run out of air.
“No! Don’t go.” His hands reached out for me, barely sweeping my fingers.
I was still walking away, getting ever closer to the door. “I... uh... bye.” I squeezed out the door.
“Sorry,” I said outside the door. I didn’t even bother to try and shut it behind me.
Even the filtered light of the trees was bright in comparison to that dungeon. I breathed in the fresh air as I ran. The occasional branch and leaves would pull at my clothes or scratch my arms, since I stuck to the trees and didn’t break for the street.
“DAMMIT!” I yelled up at the leaf blocked sky.
I was so close to mending the tear with Nicholas. I had almost had the hole patched; the stitches were sewn, then he went and tore it open, again. At least it was his turn to apologize. I already knew I would let him. I was now without my Harlet friend, and as much as I wished it weren’t true, I needed Nicholas right now. I needed him for my sanity. Even if he was going to be twitter-pated and annoying.
I paced in the trees behind Nicholas’ house for at least an hour. Back and forth I walked, crunching the old leaves and twigs in my way. I ended up wearing a path through the trees, I went back and forth so many times.
I didn’t feel like going home. I wanted to go to my park, but Nicholas was sure to look for me there, and so was Elliott. I had nowhere left, so I paced.
My stomach growled and broke the tattoo of noise my feet made with the ground. I was starting to get hungry. I had downed one of the Pop-Tarts Nicholas had made me this morning on my way out the door to go get coffee. But Pop-Tarts and coffee don’t count as a very nutritious meal, and my stomach started to whine for real food.
I ignored it. I had more important things to deal with. I continued to pace.
Nicholas’s words clouded my thoughts. What’s real or isn’t real doesn’t matter, the consequences are the same. What the hell did that mean! The consequences are the same? His words seemed to be on permanent repeat in my head as I walked back and forth.
I caught myself staring into the ocean of color on my hand, and somehow Nicholas’s words started to make sense. I still didn’t fully understand them, but he was right that what’s real or isn’t real doesn’t matter, because what you believe becomes your reality. Now all I had to do was choose what to believe. That’s easier said than done.
I looked around and realized my feet had quit pacing, and that I had unconsciously started to make my way to my park. Sooner than I would have thought possible I was sitting, hidden in the shade of the trees that made up the cove I was in last night with Elliott. I laid back and watched the clouds pass by overhead through the small window that the trees permitted light through.
I shut my eyes and held my left hand in my right. My thumb and middle finger of my right hand stroked the stone on my left. I lay there, breathing, thinking.
I don’t know what made me do it. I don’t know why I did it. But as I lay there touching the stone I said, “Elliott” to no one.
An unnatural wind blew. It made my hair blow into my eyes. Before I could even separate my hands to brush it out of my face, the electricity of Elliott pulsed through me. I opened my eyes to him brushing the hair from my face with his soft, warm, electric hand.
“Buongiorno Miele.”
Elliott lay beside me as though he had been there the entire time, his head propped up on his right hand as his left stroked my face. And even though it wasn’t logical, practical, or in all reality smart, I flung my arms around his neck and held myself close to him. My heart raced with happiness, and I breathed him in. He smelled of the same floral scent as before. It was fabulous.
Elliott giggled his laugh, and the sound sang to my heart. I missed the sound of his honey voice when he wasn’t around. I missed the electricity in his touch. I missed him, and it scared me.
“I missed you too.” Elliott hugged me back.
Although my world seemed to be falling apart around me, at that very moment, in his arms, I felt well. The feeling of happiness washed through me so completely that it took me a moment to realize what I had done. I slowly willed my arms to release him, but only managed to get myself to let him go enough for me to look him in the eyes.
Elliott smiled at me. “What?”
What? -- was the question that plagued my mind. What was it about Elliott that pulled me to him? What were the reasons for all the strange things that were happening lately? What did I believe?
“Are you still worried that I’m not real?”
My eyes swept the ground. “A little,” I admitted.
“What’s real or isn’t real doesn’t matter my love, the consequences are the same.”
“Excuse me?”
“Pick me, Miele. Pick my world. Please.”
“Your world?”
“With me is where you belong. I would stay in your world permanently if I could, but I can’t.” An ancient sadness was in his voice. He was unsure of what my answer was. So was I. “Please choose me.”
A better question than what did I believe came to me then. What did I want?
At that very moment, as I lay staring into Elliott’s hazel green eyes, I realized none of it mattered. All the crazy mysterious things, or even reality couldn’t stop the feeling that consumed me whenever he was near. The only thing that mattered was how it felt to be near him. The magnetic pull Elliott had on me had to be a sign. All worries aside, I knew the answer to my question. I wanted to be with Elliott no matter where that might be. And now all I had to do was figure out how to make it happen.
“I love you,” I whispered, hesitant and a bit worried as I waited for his response.
“I know, Miele.” He pulled me back into a hug and stroked my back, causing spurts of electricity to surge up and down my spine. “Te amo anche,” he said in Italian. Even though the words were foreign to me, they spoke to my heart. He loved me also.
“More than I think you will ever realize,” he added.
“Tell me more.” I wanted to hear his accent color his words. I was becoming addicted to tha
t sound.
“What do you want to know?”
“I don’t care.” I breathed him in deep. I wished I could always be this close to him. “Tell me more about Italy.”
“About when we met?”
“Yes.”
And he began.
Chapter 8. Napoli
“Napoli was different then, than it is today. Life was simpler, less cluttered. People found joy in the immaterial things. Pleasure was found in food, family, and friends.
“I worked in the Piazza Bellini, selling the fish my family caught at sea. And ever since that day I met you, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Everywhere I went, I carried around the small stone you had given me. I would find my hands in my pockets, holding it, just to hold it, and thinking of you.”
I don’t know why, but I believed him. Elliott’s story seemed to pull at long lost memories of my own. Besides, I was perfectly content to lie there wrapped in his arms, breathing him in, listening to the honey texture of his words, for all eternity if I could.
Elliott kissed the top of my head and continued.
“I went about business as usual, but I found myself counting the days since we met. Sei. Sette. Otto. Nove. When it reached ten, I started to worry. Then on the eleventh day, something happened.
“I woke earlier than usual. So early it was still dark, but my mind was awake, I didn’t even try to fall back asleep. Instead, I dressed for the day and went for a walk with you in my thoughts.
“I had no place I needed to be, but my feet found a path all their own. I let my instincts consume me, and followed them. Somehow I knew they were leading me to you.”
Elliott paused. I looked up to see his mouth and why it wasn’t speaking. I was surprised when his free hand cupped my neck, and pulled me closer to his perfect lips. I shut my eyes. He whispered something to me in a language I didn’t understand. His lips, a feather away from mine, ever so softly brushed my lips as he spoke, sending a familiar driving sensation to my heart. Even if he had spoken in a language I understood, I wouldn’t have realized what he’d said. I was consumed with anticipation. I wanted his lips touching mine.
I opened my eyes to see what was taking so long. His hazel eyes locked on mine, pulling me deeper in love with him. Then it happened. His lips moulded to my lips, in soft sweet teasing kisses, pulling slightly away then doing it again. He kissed me without bounds. He kissed without limits.
I swear I had an out of body experience. His kiss transcended time itself. Sooner than I wanted, he started to pull back. Elliott gently nibbled my bottom lip as he pried his mouth from mine. It took me a minute to catch my breath. He laughed at my recovery time, laid back on his arm, and continued.
“Sorry, I have missed you for so long, I couldn’t help myself.”
“No need to apologize.” My voice was winded.
“Hopefully you will be so forgiving when I never let you go.”
I smiled. Enjoying the idea of a world where I was always with him.
“Where was I before you distracted me?” he said wryly.
“Instincts. . . I think.”
He smiled down at me and winked. “That’s right.”
“I ended up strolling the cobblestone street of Via Dei Tribunali, heading for San Lorenzo Maggiore. I remember how it had rained earlier. The streets were still wet and they shined in the moonlight. It had to have been three or four in the morning, for the streets were as quiet as the dead. When I stood outside the church, I was surprised that my instincts pulled me further west and onto Via Duomo. My head said to go in San Lorenzo Maggiore, but my heart seemed to gravitate onward. I followed my heart.
“I was surprised when the inner pull for you ended in front of an old abandoned house. Now remember, the houses weren’t like your house today. They weren’t individual dwellings, unique and standing alone. They were, and still are for that matter, large building complexes broken up into individual living quarters. The one I ended up standing in front of was mossy green with an aged, neglected oak door. Without a second thought, I opened the door and walked into the main hallway.
“The hall was in much the same condition as outside. The cracks that ran along the plaster walls were deep. I still remember being nervous of my foreign surroundings, but I just kept repeating in my head I want to see Lillianna, I want to see Lillianna over and over again.
“I can still see the door of the abandoned apartment clearly in my head. It was the apartment furthest back from the street on the ground floor. The door was solid wood, and grimy with dirt and oil. A vacant sign hammered on it. “I couldn’t figure how such a dodgy place would relate to you. Then again, look where I found you the first time. I was on a mission. Against my better judgement, I knocked. The sound seemed to boom in the silence.
“I was surprised when the door creaked open as a result of my knocking. I hadn’t realized it was open before, or not fully closed. I’m not sure. I slowly walked in. I was glad when the place appeared to be abandoned, like I had originally thought. I closed the door behind me with a creek. My hand still held the stone in my pocket as I whispered into the dark room, “Lillianna.””
Elliott paused, letting the solitude around us in my park add to the mystery of his story. The sunlight filtered down through the trees. The wind spiraled around us and the leaves chimed together, playing songs of summer. But it all was background compared to the person that lay beside me in that grassy cove.
“What happened?” I said breaking the hushed silence.
“You don’t remember anything?” Elliott asked me, one eyebrow raised.
“Sorry, but no.”
“Good thing I do then.” He flashed his brilliant smile at me. I wanted so much for that mouth to kiss me again. “Actually you are lucky I survived to tell the tale,” he added dramatically.
“Why?”
“Because you nearly gave me a heart attack!”
“You’re sure it was me huh? I still don’t recall being in Italy - ever in my life.”
“Correction. Ever in this life.”
My eyes furrowed in confusion and I shrugged my shoulders. “Non so.”
“What did you just say?” Elliott’s eyes locked on mine with such an intensity that I forgot what I said.
“I don’t know.” What had I said? The words just came out. It was as though they were buried deep within me. A dormant memory.
Elliott looked really flustered. He propped himself back up on his arm, leaning on his elbow, and starred deep into my eyes.
I looked around, confused. “What? What did I do?”
“Sorry, Miele. I’m really confused.” Elliott’s fingers combed his hair.
My heart started to race. Last time I freaked him out he vanished moments later. I didn’t want him going anywhere. I wanted him right here, in my meadow, with me in his arms. “What did I do?” I repeated.
“Please tell me something.”
“Sure.” Agh! I thought. Please don’t let me screw this up.
“Those words you just said.”
“Yeah.” Where was he going with this?
“Do you know what they mean?”
I shrugged as best as one could lying down, shaking my head. “I don’t know.”
“Lilly. . .” Elliott’s honey voice, though strained and obviously frustrated, still called to my soul.
“Elliott, I’m really confused right now.”
“So am I.”
“Why?”
“Because I can’t figure out if you are saying you don’t know what you just said, or that you know what you just said means I don’t know.”
“Really?” What the . . .
“So you didn’t know what it means? Hmmm. Interessante.”
“Now I’m really really confused. I spoke another language?”
“Italian actually.”
“How?”
He kissed me. “With your mouth, Miele.”
“You know what I mean.” I rolled my eyes while I mentally memorized the kiss, an
d tried to get a grip on what just happened.
“Non so.” He winked. “But my guess is you are starting to remember. Shall I continue? I was getting to the best part my love - you.”
Elliott’s hand caressed my neck, and then he pulled me in and kissed me again. Although my head was swimming, as usual, with the overload of information, everything melted away when we kissed. His heart pulled on mine like a magnet. He pulled back and looked into my eyes again. I don’t know what he saw in mine, but I was personally swimming in his.
“Let me continue. I had just called your name into the darkness of the old abandoned home...”
I snuggled in close. Letting his magnetic arms close around me and pulse electricity through my body. The floral scent of his skin only added to my happiness as I tried to pay attention to his voice. He stroked his fingers through my messy spikes, playing with it as he continued.
“The room was nearly pitch black. The only light was from a streetlamp outside that shone through a small dingy window. The floor creaked beneath my feet as I continued to inch further into the dark.
“Lillianna,” I called again, stopping in the darkness.
“That’s when I heard the floor creek. But I hadn’t moved. My heart started to beat rapidly.
“‘Who’s there?’”
“‘It’s me,’ you whispered back, ‘Lillianna’.”
“I can still feel the chills of happiness run down my spine when I remember that moment.” Elliott hugged me tighter, and sent chills down my spine.
“Where are you?” I said into the darkness.
“You answered by taking my hand in yours. ‘Here,’ you replied.
“You pulled me deeper into the darkness as you spoke in hushed whispers ‘We can’t talk here. This way.’ I held your hand tight and followed you into a windowless room somewhere in the back of the apartment. You closed the door behind us, though who you where keeping out was a mystery to me. The place was abandoned. ‘Down here,’ you opened a trap door in the floor and gestured me in. A faint light glowed from within the secret passage. I walked down the stone stairs quickly and waited while you closed the trap door behind you, concealing the esoteric space completely.