by Nhys Glover
I reached out and took his head in my hands to still it. His eyes darted left and right instead.
"Zem, look at me," I said slowly. "Zem, please look at me and breathe."
His nut-brown eyes stopped moving and his gaze came to rest on me. I saw torture in them as plain as day. Had I looked into a man's eyes as a burning brand was pressed into his skin, the expression would have been no more terrible.
Why had I volunteered him for this task? Out of selfishness. I wanted to keep as many of those I loved around me. And he had somehow become one of those I loved. I couldn't have Calun or Airsha, but I could have Zem and Spot. But by doing so I had condemned him to his own kind of damnation.
But wait, no. Had he been forced to give up the search he would be in a far worse way than he was now. I needed to remind him of that.
"You have a choice. Go with the Airluds to the new Airling Training Centre in a few days or stay behind with me and continue the search. What will give you more control over the chaos, Zem? Think about it. Finding Airsha or leaving the search unfinished?"
His eyelids batted as he processed what I said. Then I felt him relax.
"I can't leave the search unfinished. I have to find her. Everything depends on her. She's the hub of the wheel. Without her everything falls apart. Everything!"
I nodded, relieved I was getting through to him. "All right. And what is the best way to continue the search? By following instructions from someone else or by following your own plan of action?"
He started to nod. "My plan. My plan. The wagon is the key. I thought I would find something in the stable that connected it to the wagon. But there was nothing. Something is connected to the wagon. Not the town. We looked there today, and I knew it was all wrong. All wrong. It's not connected to the wagon."
"Where then? What fits the pieces together best? What makes sense out of the chaos?" I demanded, feeling we were on a roll. He saw things. Things that weren't right. Like the wagon. I saw it, but easily dismissed it. Zem couldn't. And, because he couldn't, we knew how Airsha had gotten out of the stronghold.
His intelligent eyes turned up as he considered my question. I had put him in charge. He could take control of the search. He could make the pieces fit.
"The road. The wagon and the road connect. We need to know where the Godslunders are. Which way is back."
I didn't understand what he was saying, but I had an idea. I grabbed his wrist and began dragging him back into the stronghold, in search of Darkin.
It was late. Well past the time for the evening meal, my stomach told me that much. But more than food I needed something, anything, to cling to.
At Airsha's apartment, I found Calun and Jaron. Both seemed less than pleased to see me. There was a wildness to them I'd never seen before, as if their sanity was slipping away, moment by moment. This was what Zem saw. The wheel had lost its hub. The brothers were the spokes of the inner wheel and when they fell apart they would take the outer wheel with them. The whole rebellion.
"Where's Darkin?" I demanded as soon as Jaron swung the door open.
"Don't know, don't care. It's just Calun and me here, and Rama's next door with the babes. Darkin can go to the gods as far as we're concerned," he snarled at me.
"You searched the road and the wagon, right?" I demanded, my mind turning quickly.
"Aye. Over and over. Following tracks leading off from it in every fraggin' direction for leagues. Nothing! Gods' balls, Flea, what's this about?"
"Zem has an idea. I told him he would be in charge of the search and needed to put the pieces together for himself. And he has. And now we need a map of the area and what the airling riders have found on their scouting. Not whether they've seen any sign of Airsha. Because we know they haven't, but where there've been sightings of Godslunders. Or where their closest major encampment might be. That sort o' thing."
Calun came to the door, his face haggard. 'I can show you if we find a map. Do you think he's onto something?'
I looked back at Zem and smiled encouragingly. "He may be. But the rest of us have exhausted our options. So why not? He sees things differently to us. Sees patterns we don't."
Calun looked at Zem, who was hovering behind me counting the buttons on his jacket. Hardly a glowing endorsement of his abilities. But right from the start Calun and Airsha had seen something in Zem − even before I did − so he wouldn't be put off by Zem's odd, compulsive behaviour.
'Darkin will be on the battlements. He walks them when he needs to blow off steam. If you get him, I'll get the others to the War Room. Darkin's the only one who can get us access to that room. There are plenty of maps in there.'
I nodded. I knew where the War Room was but I'd never been inside. It was like the priests' inner sanctum. Only the leaders were allowed to enter that rarefied space.
"Come on," I told Zem, and took off again, this time to the battlements that ran around the top of the entire stronghold. From up there you could feel as if you were flying. You could see for leagues in every direction. And on a clear day you could see a blue line in the distance I knew to be the sea.
The battlements covered a huge distance. Once we climbed the steep, narrow stone stairs to reach it, we then had to run in search of Darkin. Guards stopped us regularly, demanding to know our purpose for being there. I kept repeating the same thing: "We have an urgent message for Darkin, the Airlud. Have you seen him?"
And each guard had. Half a turn ago, a quarter turn ago, and the last... only minutes ago. And there he was, when my legs were ready to give out under me, there was Darkin. His shoulder-length, midnight black hair was a riot of windblown waves, his clothing was unkempt, and he clearly hadn't shaved for days. I'd noted the bristles this morning, but they hadn't seemed so feral then. He was striding out, glancing from right to left as he went. Like a madman. Like Zem on a bad day. There was a swelling at his right eye, his lip was split, and he cradled an arm close to his body.
"Darkin!" I cried. The wind threw my words back in my face.
"Darkin!" I yelled even louder, hardly having any breath left after the race to get here.
Still no response. And he was edging ahead of us even further.
Zem took off ahead of me for the first time. He easily reached the Airlud, grabbed his arm and ducked the instinctual punch Darkin threw his way.
"Stop!" Zem told him. "Stop!"
And Darkin did − though he looked perplexed and angry to see us − as if we'd woken him from a dream and he couldn't quite understand how we fitted in with what he'd just been experiencing.
Then a light of hope came into his eyes. "Have you news? Has she been found?"
I hated to dull that light, but I had no choice. "No news, but Zem has an idea. Something we haven't looked into yet. We need to get into the War Room and look at the maps so we can put Calun's information on them."
Darkin sighed, his shoulders drooping. "They've found no sign of her. Nothing. It's a waste of time."
"So you're giving up?" I exclaimed in furious amazement. "You're just going to go off like a good little boy and do what the rebel leaders want you to do? You won't even consider Zem's idea?"
Darkin looked ready to hit me. Zem moved closer, in readiness to defend me. I felt safe with Zem. Even before I knew he had magic, I felt safe. And I also knew Darkin would never strike me, no matter how furious he got.
But Zem's move to put himself between me and Darkin had the Airlud starting back, as if realising he was threatening a girl. He shook his head.
"No. You're right, of course. I'll never give up. But we've looked everywhere..."
"The wagon is the key. Follow the wagon and it connects. Find the way back to the Godling and it connects," Zem told Darkin, as if what he was saying made perfect sense.
The Airlud looked about ready to cry. I didn't have to read his mind to know his thoughts. Zem was crazy, and what he had in mind was more of his craziness. Following his rantings showed just how low we had all sunk.
But he lifted
his shoulders in resignation. "All right, let's go to the War Room and look at some maps."
At the door to the War Room we met up with the other Airluds, and from the glares they sent their elder brother's way it was plain they still hated him. But Darkin ignored them and stayed focused on our crazy task.
He had to throw his weight around a bit as the Goddess' first consort, but eventually the six of us were allowed entry to the room. We were told in no uncertain terms not to touch the table where the map of the whole world was laid out.
As we entered, I saw the monstrous map laid out flat across a table or tables, taking up three quarters of the room. On it were little wooden pieces − like the ones used in childlings' games − some red some black. As we moved around the table, I could see exactly where all the war fronts were located.
We found the rebel stronghold, which lay not far from the borders of Sousealund. But there wasn't a lot of detail.
"Over there," Darkin said, indicating a map on the farthest wall. We hurried down to it and I quickly realised what we saw. It reminded me of the map we'd used to find Calun when he'd been knocked from his airling and fallen into the hands of the enemy. But this one was only of the Badlunds between Godslund to the north and Sousealund to the south.
The stronghold could clearly be seen sitting close to the bottom right of the map. Surrounding it, but not closely, were thick swathes of forest, only broken by the different roads passing through it, and the river, which cut across its very edge further to the west. The river ran roughly north to south to reach the sea. It was the same river that fed the lake on which the Godling's palace sat.
Only two roads led to the stronghold, one road travelled east/west and met a crossroads on the far side of the forest to the west. The other road led north from the stronghold. But neither were major roads, if the map was accurate. Narrow and winding, from the look of them, especially as they ran through the forest.
We stood around it as best we could, Zem and I in the front, being shorter, and the four brothers behind us. Calun had found a stick from somewhere, probably used to move the pieces around the larger map, and he began pointing to certain areas. I conveyed his thoughts to the rest of them.
"The closest front where the Godslunders are engaging the rebels is here," I said as Calun pointed to the far west, well past the crossroads and river, out onto the plain.
"As you can see the northern road that leads from Sousealund to Godslund is here." Calun pointed to the crossroads and the road leading north, which wound in a slight curve to the east, following the river, before straightening again to go north.
"There have been sightings of small contingents of troops moving along the major road leading north to south. They're using camouflage, so only our riders were able to distinguish them from their surroundings. The airlings couldn't."
The last spot he pointed to was halfway along the western road to the crossroads from the stronghold. "This is where we caught up with the wagon on the first day."
Zem took the stick from Calun, who gave it up willingly. He followed the road the wagon had taken from the stronghold to the west until it reached the beginning of the forest. "Here is where we need to look. Here is where the wagon connects with the way back."
Then he drew an imaginary line northward, through what looked to be some of the densest areas of forest, until it met with the eastern sweep of the north/south road. Calun had pointed to at least two Godslund encampments near that point.
"We studied the tracks all along that part of the road. There wasn't even a campsite for travellers along there, because it's too close to the town and stronghold. And the forest is so thick there aren't even any animal trails," Rama said scathingly.
Zem followed the road the wagon took a little further with his stick, and then drew another straight, imaginary-line up to the road where the Godslunders had been seen. It was more diagonal, and therefore longer, than the first. When he did it again, just before the spot where the wagoner was stopped, the straight line to the northern road was even longer still. Clearly, the best spot to connect with the northern road as it curved eastward − the way home to Godslund − was just where the road first entered the forest.
Zem returned to the first spot he indicated and stated what we had concluded. "This spot connects the wagon to the way home for the kidnappers. We need to search the forest here for any tracks or any scat from mounts. There are at least forty leagues of forest to cross. Depending how difficult the terrain, two or three days mounted, longer walking."
"We'll need woodsmen and hunters who know that area and can track trails made by riders or men on foot," Darkin said, thoughtfully.
"If they knew anything about covering their tracks, they may have cleared them on the road there," Jaron added, just as thoughtfully. "They might have continued to do it for some way into the forest. So we'll need to search pretty intensively."
"We can't," Darkin announced gruffly. "Tomorrow Zem and Flea will search that area with the troops assigned to them, along with hunters and woodsmen who can track. We will be seen to be planning our move to the new airling centre."
"I'm going," Rama growled dangerously.
"No, you're not. If they find a trail − or anything promising −then we'll join them. But until then we let Zem take the lead on this one. It's his idea, after all."
Rama was nose-to-nose with his brother, and I noted for the first time that there were more marks on his scarred face than usual. He hadn't come out of his fights with Darkin unscathed, it seemed.
"She's not Zem's wife!" Rama spat at his brother, looking ready to kill.
"Gods' Balls, Rama! Give it up," Jaron said with a huff, stepping between his older brothers. "You can't fight the whole world, and you've used Darkin as your punching bag once too often already. Use your head. This is a crazy plan that doesn't have much chance of success. So let our girl and Zem do their part, and we can dash in to save the day if there turns out to be anything to it."
Rama stayed puffed up for a moment longer and then deflated. For a moment he looked small, which for such a big man was difficult. But maybe it was just how he was feeling. Because for once his barriers weren't up, and I could feel just what he was going through. He felt small and helpless and worse than useless. His babes were motherless, he was missing his heart and soul. And he had no idea how to fix any of it.
"One of the great things about being part of something bigger, like what we all have," I said slowly into the tense silence that had fallen, "is that any one of us doesn't have to do it all. We just do our bit. When Airshin betrayed us and created havoc that should have ended with Airsha taken and the Centre destroyed, we each did our part so that didn't happen. You couldn't have done that alone, Rama. None of you could have. It doesn't make you any less because we depend on each other. It makes us all stronger. I've been learning that these last moons."
Rama growled and glared at me. I could see my little pep talk hadn't gone down well. Maybe having it come from a young girl didn't help.
"Leave her be, you know she's right," Darkin told Rama, and then turned to Zem and me. "At first light we'll join you as you brief the search party. After that it'll be up to you two."
Zem and I nodded and made a hurried exit. The brothers weren't finished, but we didn't need to be there while they argued some more.
I hadn't noticed the lightning strike the brothers had released, until Zem and I were alone, walking slowly towards the kitchens to try to beg left-over scraps from the cook.
"You're a lass?" he said in a voice I didn't recognise. I'd been so busy with my own thoughts that I hadn't heard Zem's. Because he tended to go on and on about nonsense, I usually tuned him out.
My heart sank. I knew it'd happen eventually. But not yet. First the rebel leaders were told and now Zem knew. My life was going to change again fast.
"Aye. But don't tell anyone," I answered, as if it wasn't important.
Zem stopped, so I did too. Better to let him get it out, whatever
it was. I couldn't pick out what was uppermost in his mind because it was in chaos.
Before I knew what he was about, he leaned in and kissed me on the lips. It was over before I had a chance to react. And he let out a deep huffing sigh. "That's lucky, because I was starting to think I might like lads."
I frowned, confused and a little put out that he'd kissed me. I didn't give him permission to do any such thing. And just because I was a girl didn't mean he could have sex with me. Not that he was trying anything like that. But he might if I didn't stand my ground.
"Zem, don't you go thinking you can kiss me whenever you want, just because I'm a girl. I'm not scratching your itch for you!"
He stared at me, stunned for a few long moments. "I'm in love with you, you stupid girl. I'm not after scratching any itch with you. I'm just relieved, is all. This doesn't change anything, I swear. I'm just relieved."
He shrugged and blushed.
I had no idea why I found such a weird character so appealing. Why I loved him.
And he loved me back.
"This doesn't change anything," I repeated firmly, before I leaned in and kissed him on the lips, hard.
Before I could get away again, Zem hauled me in close with both arms − both very strong arms − and kept the kiss going. Only when my lips softened, and I relaxed into him, did he let me go. By then I didn't want him to.
I had never been kissed before. Not properly. Oh, one or two of Mam's marks had stolen wet and slobbery kisses from me, but nothing like this. And Zem was as inexperienced as I was, if I had to guess. But somehow it didn't matter. Somehow it was just perfect. My first real kiss, from a half-crazy lad no better at it than me. And it was perfect!
"Don't go asking me to marry you or anything," I warned him, turning on my heel to continue our journey to the kitchens.