by Hart, Alana
Now, whenever I looked up at the sky and its countless stars, I thought of him shining a special light for me. But there were so many places in the universe he could be, and I couldn’t reach any of them.
More than that, he didn’t want me. If he did, he would have come back to this podunk town on this backwater planet, where people still drove cars and women still looked at the stars and dreamed of a world beyond this one.
I’ve loved since, but it has never been the same. Perhaps because he was my first, or perhaps because he was completely different than any who had come after. Every time I think of it, I feel the same sharp pang in my chest that I felt when he said goodbye.
I moved on, or tried to. I figured the best way to do it was to uproot myself and go to the city. It was another world of lights, where women were able to travel the universe by being engineers, receptionists, surrogates, or brides.
My mother passed a few years back, but not before she told me that she wanted me to be happy and live for my happiness. So I vowed I’d go places she’d never seen and had only dreamed about. And I told myself I would finally, completely, move on.
So why had all of my efforts just led me back to him?
And why did he still reject me?
Chapter 11
“I loved you,” I whisper. “I loved you so much.”
Darak shuts his eyes.
“And you left. You disappeared. You didn’t…” I turn away, unable to continue. The words hurt too much to speak.
His eyes are glowing as they did that first night like the fireflies I walked past on my way to the top of the hill. I remember them dancing in the fading sunlight, moving in between the tall grasses. The memory is so vivid that if I shut my eyes, I can once again feel the warm, humid air filling my lungs. I can see the fresh leaves blowing on the trees, the new growth all around me.
“Sally.” He says my name as he had the first time.
Sally. That’s a pretty name. And he’d repeated it again with a small smile on his lips, and I’d thought I’d never heard such a pretty sound before.
He crouches beside me but doesn’t touch. “It’s sick, isn’t it?”
I pull back from him. “I don’t understand.”
“This bond.” His bright eyes open and my throat closes.
“Sick isn’t the word I’d use,” I choke out.
He smiles sadly. “It wasn’t the word I’d use either. At least not until much later.” He shuts his eyes as he falls forward, his forehead hitting the wall beside us, breathing deeply. “I didn’t want to find you.”
“But you always knew where I was.”
“No. Before I knew. Before I even met you. I didn’t want to find you because I knew this would happen.”
I grab my blue-stained dress in my hands, wring my skirt. “I don’t understand.”
He takes my hands. I resist at first. I’m unwilling to let go. But since it’s him, I eventually give in.
He turns my hand over. HIs thumb traces the same line Madame Venus had been so concerned with in center of my palm. “When I thought of you as a child—and again, this was before I met you—it was always with anger. I hated that we had no say in who we’d be bound to for our entire lives. I wanted to choose. And then...then…”
He brings my palm to his lips. His kiss is as soft as a blade of grass.
“Then I met you,” he says. “And I didn’t care anymore if we were destined and I didn’t have a choice. I wanted to spend my life with you. I didn’t feel like my life had meaning without you because I was made for you.”
“I don’t understand. What is the problem?”
His glowing blue eyes lock onto mine. “I knew you were my mate from the first moment I saw you, before we even spoke.”
“You knew?”
“Of course. Didn’t you feel it?”
My hand moves to my throat. Yes.
“You consumed me. I’ve spent lifetimes with you in my dreams. I don’t feel alive unless we were next to each other. Even now I feel it—every cell in my body screaming to be next to you.”
“Then be next to me,” I demand. “I feel it too.”
His nostrils flare. “No.”
“Why not? Am I so repulsive?”
“You could never be repulsive to me.”
“Then what is it? Why do you keep pulling away?”
“Because I don't want to hurt you.”
Bullshit, I think. Luckily, I speak with a little more tact. “That makes no sense. You’d never hurt me.”
The side of his lip quirks up. “You have that much faith in me already? You haven’t even seen me in ten years. I’m not the same Ta’aran you fell in love with.”
“Yes you are,” I whisper, but he’s chipped away at my certainty. A lot can change in ten years. I’ve certainly changed in many ways...but where he’s concerned, I haven’t.
He sighs, closing his eyes. “I’d never hurt you.”
“Then why did you say—?”
“Because,” he interrupts, “my kind is cruel, my family barbaric, and I will not let you become a pawn.”
Okay, now we were getting somewhere! “Does this have something to do with what happened with my teleportation device?”
“My brother has been looking for a way to permanently get me out of the picture for a long time now. Getting ahold of you would make that very easy.”
“Your brother?”
“Yes. The current prince.”
“A prince? Your brother is a prince?” My eyes go wide. “Wait, then you must be…”
“I am also a prince, yes,” he says.
For a moment, I’m silent. And in the next moment, I can’t shut up. “WHAT?!?!?!?”
“I’m not going to be king. I don’t even want to be prince. I have renounced my claim, though not officially. Every time I try my brother assumes I’m double crossing him and tries to kill me because it’s what he’d do.”
Wait, hold up. “Your brother is trying to kill you?”
“Yes. And he knows that the easiest way to do it is to capture you, because as my mate, there is nothing I wouldn’t do to keep you safe.”
Oh my god.
“Don’t worry. I won’t let him get you. I’ll fix it. I’m renouncing my claim to a mate as well, and once I do that I will cease to be a threat. I should have done this a long time ago, I was just…” he shuts his eyes. “I missed you too, Sally. I clung to the pain of being apart as if it were a lover. I coveted it. Protected it. Loved it. Because it reminded me of our bond, and as long as it was there, I felt close to you.”
I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Are those his words, or are they mine?
“It’s sick, isn’t it?” he repeats. “Wouldn’t you be happier without it?”
“It doesn’t matter how we would be without it, because the bond exists. We can’t just stop it.”
“But what if there was a way?” he asks, his eyes once again glowing like fireflies. “What if I could fix it?”
“I don’t understand. Is there a way?”
“Yes. I can renounce my claim to a mate.”
I don’t think I understood. He couldn’t possibly mean… “You’re going to cut everything off between us?”
“You won’t feel it anymore. You won’t hurt anymore.”
“And neither will you?”
“Yes. I won’t feel it, either.” He runs a hand through his hair. “Don’t look at me like that. Do you want to spend your life in hiding? I thought not.”
“There has to be another way,” I tell him. “Can’t you stop him?”
He looks up at the ceiling, laughing humorlessly. “You think I haven’t tried? Ta’aran politics is messy business. Truthfully, there’s more than just my brother to worry about. He’s just the biggest threat because he believes I’m the only Ta’aran who could successfully take the throne from him.”
“But you’ve found your mate,” I say.
“Yes, and he hasn’t. That makes it worse. A Ta’aran cannot truly
be king until he finds his queen.”
Oh.
“Our bond makes me vulnerable, Sally. I need to protect you.”
I wasn’t going to back down that easily. “So you’re getting rid of me because you’re afraid.”
“Yes,” he admits without hesitation. “I’m afraid for your life. I’m afraid I won’t be able to protect you against my bloodthirsty brother and his army. I’m afraid of you living a life that you were forced into by a bond you don’t understand.”
“You think I’m here just because of our bond?” I ask.
“Aren’t you? Wouldn’t you have been able to live on earth and be happy if it weren’t for me?”
I shake my head. He doesn’t understand; I must make him. “This isn’t just about you.”
“Are you honestly telling me you actually want to marry yourself off to some stranger—”
“This isn’t about marriage, either,” I interrupt. “I snuck out often to watch the stars, just as I did the night we met before I knew you. I liked to imagine what life would be like on other planets. I liked the idea of traveling through space. And yes, maybe my desire to explore has made me reckless, but what else was I to do? I’ll never have enough money to leave earth. Never. Not even if I worked and saved every day for the rest of my life. I’m not talented or smart enough to get a scholarship or be accepted onto some alien’s fleet. This was my only way out. Maybe that makes me superficial or silly, but I wanted adventure. I understood the risks and I accepted them. So don’t pretend like none of this was my decision, because it all was.”
He’s staring at me like he’s seeing me for the first time, and maybe he is. Maybe we’ve both been blinded by the bond so much that we never actually saw each other. Maybe that’s why it didn’t feel real to him.
I walk towards him and take his hands in mine. “I wasn’t just trying to run from you. I was also trying to find myself. If you want to renounce your claim, that’s your decision, not mine. I am going to keep being true to myself, with or without you. So stop pretending like this is for me, because—”
He interrupts me in the most insidious and beautiful way possible. By crashing his mouth against mine.
Chapter 12
His hands grip my hair, holding me close, as his moves against my body with a skillful rhythm he never possessed when he was younger. He’s hungry and desperate, when before he’d always been so calm. His kisses had always felt like secrets—like if he touched me too fiercely, I’d dissolve. I remember smiling a lot when we kissed, both of us a bit awkward and unsure.
Well, except that last time.
That last time, he’d kissed me like he was trying to make sure he’d remember me for the rest of his life.
This time, he kissed me like he wanted to forget.
His teeth graze my lips. He’s not being careful. It’s like he’s forgotten how.
I feel the things he’s communicating as clearly as if he’d spoken them.
I wish I could forget you. I want to forget you. I don’t want to feel this anymore.
But I can’t help it. I can’t help it. I can’t…
I grip his shoulders, pushing my nails into his hard muscles and scraping his skin. He moans and holds me tighter, his fingers moving into my skull desperately, holding me close like he never will let go no matter how much he wants to.
I remember what he’d whispered a few moments before.
It’s sick, isn’t it?
We don’t have a choice.
I hadn’t understood, but now I did. All of those nights I’ve spent trapped in this codependency, my DNA longing for his, unable to find anyone else suitable because I wanted him so much.
It wasn’t right.
It was sick.
And yet, it felt so right. He picks me up and lies me down on the bed, pinning my arms above my head before leaning down to kiss me.
His glowing eyes feast on my curves. “I’m sorry, Sally.”
Don’t be sorry, I want to tell him, but I can’t speak. I can’t do anything but moan and push my hips up, trying to meet him.
His hard length presses into my thigh, pulsing. I feel it throbbing against me, and I beg for it, for him to fill me. My mind flashes back to that night, of him sliding in and out of me in the dark. I remember him being the only thing I had to hold onto—I remember him breaking my heart and then filling it again with sweet, tender love.
He lets go of my hands. His strong hands, his strong fingers sliding up my thighs, moving them apart as he bends down to kiss me.
Every part of me opens to him. Begs him. I inhale sharply as he exhales, warm air his breath, moving over my folds, already so sensitive and wet even though he hasn’t even touched me yet.
He moves his palm up my slit, and I tremble at the impact. Tremble even more as he kisses me, his tongue snaking between his lips, brushing against my clit.
My hands fist the air, trying to find something to hold onto. I arch my back and grab his head, pushing him forward, deeper into me. He growls with appreciation, his tongue slipping deeper inside me, fucking me slowly, softly, making love to me, liking me like he has all the time in the world, like there is nothing else he wants to do or ever wants to do.
The walls seem to disappear. For a second, I swear I can see every star around us. It feels like I’m floating and yet I’m not. He’s anchoring me to the bed, spurning this giddy, beautiful feeling on with his mouth and filling me with vivid blue pleasure as I let go and give in.
“Sally,” he whispers. I feel so wonderful from my first orgasm that I barely even register the bed dipping as he crawls towards me.
He moves into me slowly, the expression in his eyes softening as it glows brighter. I’ve never felt so whole and complete. I’d forgotten how it felt to have him inside me, to hear his voice whispering near my ear. The odd softness of his lips. His skin, changing beneath my touch as it responded to my body’s heat. He shuts his eyes as I wrap my arms around his back, pushing his chest into mine where I hear his alien heart beat hard and loud against my chest.
Maybe it’s dangerous. Maybe it’s wrong. Or maybe this is what we were made for—what we’d searched for across the skies—what we’d tried to abandon.
Our bodies wouldn’t let us do that, though.
Nothing would.
Chapter 13
He slides out of me and holds me to his chest but says nothing.
I’m too afraid to move or speak. I don’t want this moment to end. I sitting on my back porch swinging my legs back and forth as my mother blew bubbles. I popped them without care. This moment feels like a dream that could be cruelly cut short by some unseen, indifferent force.
His elbow cuts into my side. A cramp develops. He’s holding me a too tightly. Perhaps he feels the same way.
I shift. Nothing stops or dissolves. He doesn’t release me, either.
I try to sit up but he stops me, holding me to him again.
“I thought you were leaving me,” I say.
He holds me tighter. “I can’t.”
Oh.
I fan my fingers over his chest. “What do we do, then?”
“I don’t know.” He puts his hand over mine and holds it to his heart. I feel it pounding beneath my palm. “Thank you, Sally. No matter what happens, I will remember this moment always.”
I grin saucily. “Hey, you aren’t going to need to remember it. You can live it every night.”
He says nothing.
I push myself up until I’m propped up by my elbow. This time, he lets me go.
“Hey, what’s going on?” I ask.
He winces as if in pain. “I love you.”
My heart flutters, but I feel something else flow through me other than the happiness from hearing those words. Fear.
“Why did you just say it like that?” I ask.
He looks at me—really looks at me—and it reminds me too much of the time he said goodbye. “I want you to know that I’ll never forget you.”
“Oh no you d
on’t,” I yell, sitting up. “You are not leaving me again. Not after we just made cosmic love. Not after you just said you loved me.”
“I can’t stay.”
“Yes you can! You just said you weren’t leaving me.”
“I’m not,” he says. “I’m letting you leave me.”
I stare at him for at least thirty seconds. I know this because I count to ten three times. And do you know why? Because I’m super pissed, and what he just said makes no sense at all.
“Sally…” he whispers, reaching for me.
I swat his hand away. “Well, guess what? I’m not going to let you let me leave you.” I shake my head. Damn, I was starting to sound as stupid and confused as he was! “I mean, I’m not going anywhere.”
“You can stay here if you want, though after I renounce the bond you probably won’t want to.”
“What the hell? You’re still on about that? Did what just happened mean nothing to you?”
“No. It meant everything to me,” he says, standing. “That’s why I can’t let it happen again.”
“You are ridiculous!”
“I know you don’t understand, but you will—”
“Are you already with someone?” I interrupt. It’s the only thing that makes sense.
“What?” he frowns.
“Oh my god, you are.”
“Sally, no. I can’t. I never will. You are and always have been the only woman for me.”
Yeah right. I cross my arms, glaring at his insanely hot, sculpted, out of this world alien super muscles. “You really expect me to believe a guy like you was just sitting around playing with yourself when you got lonely for ten years?”
“Of course. How could I be with anyone else after you?”
My mouth falls open. I think he’s being serious.
His eyes narrow. “Wait a second. You weren’t?”
“I wasn’t what?” I squeak.
“Sally,” he hisses under his breath, nostrils flaring. “Who was he? I’ll kill him!”
Wow. Something tells me this isn’t the best time to let him know there were two. “You aren’t killing anyone. Who I was with is none of your business!”