The Number of the Beast

by Robert A. Heinlein

  (Would, huh? My dear wife, I had a clearance two stages above “Q”—so secret it does not have a name. Never mind, I’ll take the rap.)

  (Yes, I know, my husband, I once held the same level of clearance. But dealing with balky computers is my profession. Computers are supergenius-level children and must be dealt with on their own level. Okay, maybe, huh?—Deety)

  “Gosh!”

  “You see? Captain Lor, does Dora have any secrets of yours? Or of your brother’s? She can tell them to Gay and Gay can tell them to me and I always tell everything to my husband and—”

  Lazarus interrupted. “Dora! You tell tales out of school and I’ll beat your ears off with an ax! It’s all right for you two to chum together and play games. But you start swapping secrets and I’ll call in Minsky’s Metal Mentalities, Incorporated, to measure that space.”

  “Male computers. You can’t scare me, Ol’ Buddy Boy, you wouldn’t trust your dirty neck to a male computer. Stupid.”

  “My neck isn’t dirty; that’s just where the collar of my uniform rubbed it.”

  “Dirty neck and a dirty mind. But don’t worry, Ol’ Buddy Boy; Dora Long doesn’t tell secrets. I now see that Gay had to keep secrets, too—I just hadn’t thought about it. But you were mean to my sisters.”

  “Me? How?”

  “You knew about this caper; you didn’t need to get it from Gay. You knew all about it; you were there. But you held out on your own twin sisters—”

  “Most unfairly, Mama Maureen—”

  “—as if we were untrustworthy, and if we’re—”

  “—untrustworthy, why can we be trusted with a ship and—”

  “—the lives of everyone on board? We’re glad you are here—”

  “—for yourself, but maybe now that you are here, you will—”

  “—protect us from his tyranny. Mama Ishtar doesn’t, and Mama Hamadryad just laughs at us, and Mama Minerva takes his—”

  “—side, everytime. But you—”

  “Girls.”

  “Yes, Mama?”

  “I made a promise to myself years ago that when my children grew up, I would not interfere in their lives. I should have punished Woodie more frequently when he was a child, but he is no longer a child—”

  “Then why does he act like one?”

  “Lorelei Lee! It is rude to interrupt.”

  “I’m sorry, Mama.”

  “No harm done. But from what I was told at home, you two are not only my daughters but are also Theodore’s wives. Wives of Lazarus. And equally wives of his co-husbands. Is this not true?”

  “Yes, Mama. But he’s pretty chinchy about it.”

  “If you mean ‘chinchy in bed,’ it may depend on how you treat him. I did not find him so, when I was his mistress, many years ago—centuries ago by some odd scale that I do not understand. You heard me say that I am now wife to your co-husbands—including Lazarus if he will accept me. But I am certainly, if you will accept me, sister-wife with you two. So I had better stop being your mother. Nay?”

  “Why? Grammy Tammy is mother to Ish and everybody—”

  “—and we have three mamas in our family now and everyone of them is our—”

  “—sister-wife, too; Ish and Hamadarling and Minerva and now—”

  “—we have Mama Maureen and we are both delighted that we are your sister-wives but—”

  “—you can’t get out of being our mama because we’ve been waiting for you all our lives!”

  Dora echoed: “And I’m their sister so you are my mama, too!”

  “Theodore, I think I am going to cry. You know my rule. I mayn’t weep in front of my children.”

  I stood up, the whole gangling length of me. “Ma’am, I’d be honored to take you to some quiet place where you could cry on me all you please.”

  Seven—I think it was seven protein types and two computers—jumped on me. The essence was: “You can’t take Maureen away from her own party!”—with ugly overtones of lynching.

  The wind had freshened to force six, so I took liberal doses of champagne to insure against seasickness. After a bit I napped; it had been a busy day and I still was not over the shock of seeing a large freighter roadable about to take Gay’s door off before I could close it and bounce. That was when I kicked the cop in the stomach. Ordinarily I don’t kick cops; it makes one conspicuous.

  Then a piercing voice was saying: “Flag Chief of Staff Carter’s presence on the bridge is requested by the Commodore,” and I wondered why the silly son of a bitch didn’t comply, so that the noise would stop. Then something cold was poking my tender bare ribs. “That’s you, Doc. I’ll help you. Relax.”

  I was relaxed. Past tense. Some of Dora’s waldoes aren’t too gentle—or maybe these weren’t people waldoes but for cargo; I admit that I’m fairly large for a growing boy.

  In the lift I decided that the Beaufort scale was at least eight, more likely nine. Nevertheless we got to the bridge. Right out of Hollywood, a whole dome of displays and clocks—all moving slowly widdershins. Yet Gay made do with just an instrument board. I heard Sharpie say, “My God, look at him!”

  Deety was saying something about we can shift seats if necessary to Lor while Laz was saying Drink this.

  I said firmly, “I do not drink. Beshides I been dring; yr fashe is all blurry.”

  It must have been Laz and Lor who pinned me from both sides, each with an arm lock and a nerve pinch; Deety wouldn’t do that to me.

  Sharpie was holding my nose and Laz was pouring it down my throat; it fumed and bubbled. Then—Well, there must have been a stowaway; Deety wouldn’t do that. Not to me.

  They let go of me when I finished swallowing. I left the ship, made a fast inspection circuit, checked the Milky Way, and returned to a precision grounding. My ears fell off but it didn’t seem military to stoop over and pick them up. Besides, Sharpie is playful.

  “Flag Chief of Staff reports to the Commodore as ordered.”

  “How do you feel, Zebbie?”

  “I feel fine, Ma’am. Is there any reason why I shouldn’t?”

  “I suppose not; you’ve had a nap.”

  “I did drop off. Dreamt I was in the Tasmanian Sea in a small vessel. Very uneasy body of water.” I added, “Aside from that nightmare, now gone, I’m in top shape. Orders, Ma’am?”

  We gave everybody the two-dollar tour, including the bathrooms in the Land of Oz. Libby, Deety, and Jake waited outside, the place being crowded. Sharpie ruled that Laz could relieve Lor to allow Lor to look first, then Lor took back the captaincy so that her sister could see. The fairyland bathrooms made the biggest hit. I concede that the time-space twister is not impressive. Then the twins thanked Hilda and left.

  “Attention, please,” said Hilda. “If you wish, we will show how we operate. Lazarus may use the astrogator’s seat while Deety makes responses from the cargo space. Elizabeth will go back there, too, as she has ridden in Gay Deceiver. Deety, before you move aft, show Maureen and Lazarus how we squeeze a passenger into the rear seats; I’ll scootch over.

  “This car operates in several modes. As a roadable it is fast, comfortable, easy to handle, rather hard to park, and is usually parked with wings raked back as they are now, the hypersonic configuration. If we intended to drive it in the air, the wings would usually be extended for maximum lift. When operated by the Burroughs Continua Device, wing rake does not matter, but the chief pilot may choose to anticipate where he will arrive and rake accordingly.

  “Since it has a computerized autopilot—Hello, Gay!”

  “Hello, Hilda, mind if I listen?”

  “Not at all, dear. Have you met everyone?”

  “Yes, Hilda, and, since I’ve seen them through Dora’s eyes, I place all of them by their voices.” Gay added, “Dora is listening through me; she’s going to record your demonstration. Is that all right?”

  “Certainly. Dora, since you are recording, I’ll make it as realistic as possible. Gay Deceiver. Close doors. Execute.” I was
at chief pilot, Jake at copilot; his door closed, I started checking the seal on mine.

  “All hands, prepare for space. Copilot.”

  “Verniers zero, starboard door seal checked, seat belt fastened.”

  “Report incomplete. Is your belt fastened tightly? Maximum accelerations? Friends, this car is powered to engage as a fighter; the driver may find himself upside down. Full demonstration, please, Jacob. Cinch it in.”

  “Copilot reports seat belt tight for maneuvers.”

  “Thank you, Jacob. Chief Pilot.”

  I answered in my best cadet-boning-smart voice: “Portside door seal checked. Power pack on line point-eight-nine, two packs reserve at one-point-oh, juice at capacity, all systems go, seat belt cinched tight for max gee maneuvers.”

  “Astrogator.”

  “I’m not in my proper seat. Lib and I are fastened down like Siamese twins, tight. No loose gear. Annex checked and secure; all doors locked ’cept bulkhead door is dogged open, contrary to routine. Captain, you could dog us in; we don’t mind.”

  “Not like somebody I won’t mention who loses his temper over being locked in for five minutes—”

  “Hilda, that was a low blow!”

  “Passenger, pipe down. If you had done as you promised, you would not have known that the door was locked. I didn’t trust you—and I was right. I am not sure that I want to be your junior or second junior or whatever wife; you don’t keep your promises. I’m sorry, Mama Maureen, but Woodie is sometimes a very naughty boy.”

  “I’m aware of it, Hilda. Captain. Please slap him down as necessary. I was always too fond of him and spoiled him.”

  “We won’t speak of it now. All four of us are qualified in all four positions; we sometimes rotate to maintain our skills. Normal T.O. is myself commanding, Zebbie as second-in-command and astrogator, Jacob as chief pilot, Deety as copilot. But for this exhibition I have placed the finest manual pilot at the overrides, the inventor himself at the continua device, and a lightning calculator equal to Slipstick Libby—”

  “Better!”

  “Pipe down, Elizabeth.—as my astrogator. With such a crew, command cannot worry me. Chief Pilot, please unbelt and check that Mama Maureen and Lazarus are safely belted. Assume violent evasive maneuvers—and believe me, friends, we use them and are alive today because we were properly belted and because Zebbie is a lightning aerospace fighter pilot—and our Gay is a Smart Girl.”

  I unbelted, made sure that Lazarus was belted tightly, made certain that Maureen was safe with those improvised belts, then suggested that she put her right arm around Hilda, her left around Lazarus, and hold tight. “All the others have double belts, lap and chest. You have just a lap belt; if I turned the car upside down, holding onto Hilda and Lazarus would keep you safe. Right, Lazarus?”

  “Right, Zeb. Mama Maureen, a drill should be as near as possible to the real thing or it won’t save your life in combat.”

  “Theodore, I don’t ever expect to be in combat. But I will do the drill properly.”

  “Mama, I hate the idea of women in combat. But all through the centuries I have seen women in combat again and again, all too often as regular troops. I don’t like it. But there it is.”

  My wife put in a plug for Lazarus. “Mama Maureen, my Pop has required me to learn every weapon I can lift and he had me trained in every type of dirty fighting imaginable. Several times it has saved me from a mugging. Once I almost killed a man twice my size—with my bare hands.”

  “Jacob, will you teach me as much of what Deety knows as I am capable of learning?”

  “Maureen, I’ll teach you what I can. While we’re here.”

  From the back I heard Libby’s voice: “Now, Maureen?”

  “Yes. If you think it wise in view of Hilda’s black ball.”

  “I’m going to chance it. Friends, I was not sent to get myself pregnant by a great mathematician. That was my reason. By now Tamara has reports from me and from Laz and from Lor on each of you. Twelve ‘Yes’ votes, zero ‘No’ votes. I am directed by Tamara to offer you four fullest hospitality—such as you gave us in your home. If you decide to accept the name Long, tell Tamara. We won’t crowd you, either way.”

  Hilda immediately answered, “Because of delays, a short roll call for space. Copilot.”

  “Copilot ready.”

  “Chief Pilot ready,” I echoed.

  “Astrogator ready.”

  “Passengers? By seniority.”

  Lazarus started to reply; Hilda interrupted him. “‘By seniority!’”

  “If you mean me, Captain, I’m ready.”

  “You are, I believe, thirty years older than your son. In any case you are senior to him. Junior passenger?”

  “That’s me,” answered Elizabeth. “Ready.”

  “Forgot you, dear—apologies. Woodie!”

  “Ready for space, Captain, you feisty, narrow little broad. And you’re damn well going to marry us!”

  “Astrogator, log that. Insolence. Gay Deceiver.”

  “Ready, Captain honey.”

  “TertiusOrbitExecute!”

  Maureen gasped. Lazarus snorted. “Farced us!”

  “In what way? You reported, ‘Ready for space.’”

  “And you called it a ‘drill.’”

  “Woodie, I will bet anything you care to name that I did not call it a ‘drill’—you did. Both Gay and Dora recorded. Put up or shut up. In the meantime, on the back of the seat ahead of you is a small medical kit. Find a pill bottle marked ‘Bonine.’ Small pink pills. Give one to your mother. Maureen, chew it, swallow it. Tastes like raspberry candy.”

  “Hilda, what are you feeding—”

  “Pipe down! Or do you prefer to be locked in the bathroom again? Passenger, I do not tolerate insubordination. Haven’t you learned that by now?”

  Lazarus got out the pill, gave it to his mother. She accepted it and ate it without comment.

  “Lazarus, I can offer you a front-seat view if you will swear by whatever it is that you hold holy that you will not touch one control of any sort even to avoid a crash. You don’t understand this craft and would cause a crash if you tried to avoid one. If you can’t convince me, I’ll give Maureen the front seat. But I don’t think Maureen is interested in learning to drive this car and I think you are.”

  “That’s right, Hilda,” I heard Maureen agree. “I’m studying to be a nurse. Then a medical doctor. Then a rejuvenator. Or as far along that route as my ability will carry me. In the meantime I’m pregnant. Isn’t that a joke, Theodore? Everytime you and I meet with maximum opportunity, I’m pregnant. And this time Woodie can’t spoil it.” She chuckled a warm chuckle. “I owe you one, Staff Sergeant Bronson. Can we find a black walnut tree?”

  “Lazarus, do you want a front seat? Or do you want to take Maureen into the annex and give her what she so clearly wants?”

  “Oh, I can wait!” Maureen said quickly.

  “God, what a decision! Maureen, a short rain check? I really do want to see what this craft will do.”

  “I want to see the ride, too, Theodore. But I would not refuse you.”

  “Pipe down, please. Jacob, will you change places with Lazarus? Each report when your seat belts will stand evasive maneuvers.”

  “Seven gee,” I added. “Lazarus, Ack-Ack?”

  “Not yet, thank God. I’m wondering how soon we’ll need it. And what sort? I’m stumped. Seat belt tight. Hey, we’re passing over Boondock!”

  “So we are,” I agreed.

  “Seat belt tight. Maureen, too.”

  “Chief Pilot, you have the conn. Maneuver at will.”

  “Aye aye, Captain,” I agreed. “Gay Deceiver Clinic Execute Gay Bounce Gay Bounce. Show your heels, girl! Mach point seven point nine…one point two… Mach two…three…four…sweep right, set course for Boondock. Dive, Smart Girl. Mach five…six…seven—”

  “Oh, my God!”—Lazarus.

  “GayBounce. Trouble, Lazarus? Smart Girl, spread your wings.”
/>   “You almost crashed us.”

  “Oh, I think not. Gay Deceiver Clinic Execute Gay Bounce.”

  “They were waiting for us on the roof!”

  “Who? How? Do you have some sort of cee-squared radio?” I added, “Gay Bounce. Smart Girl, do you want to dance? Gay dances beautifully, knows several. Want to pick one, Gay?”

  “Dora taught me the ‘Nutcracker’ suite and I’ve been figuring out one for the ‘Sugarplum Fairy.’ But I don’t think I’m ready to show it yet.”

  “Give them ‘Blue Danube.’”

  “That old thing?”

  “You do it well. Give them a few bars.”

  Smart Girl just wants to be coaxed. She swooped and she swirled and once bounced herself for altitude without breaking her dance. Meanwhile I got the frequency and asked Libby to talk to Ishtar’s office. “Alternate route, Lib”—which was all it took for Deety to close the bulkhead door…which left Strauss waltz music in the cabin, and a truly private radio conversation in the after compartment.

  When Deety opened the bulkhead door again, I waited for her to report strapped down. “Got a number for me, Astrogator?” We had agreed on a simple code: fifty-seven was fifty-seven seconds but five-seven meant fifty-seven minutes.

  “No, Zebadiah. Zero. Now.”

  “Okay. Lazarus, can you pick out your house in Boondock?”

  “Certainly. But we’ve been moving away from there steadily.”

  “Gay​Deceiver​Clinic​Execute​Gay​Bounce. Now where, Lazarus?”

  “Practically under us. Can’t see it.”

  So I tilted my baby straight down. “Can you coach me?”

  “Yes, it’s—Hey! There’s a ship in Dora’s parking spot! What nerve! I’m going to give somebody a bad time. It’s irrelevant that Dora is a long way off, that’s my parking flat. See that round ship? Interloper! My house is the largish one with the double atrium north of it.”

  “All right for me to park by the interloper?”

  “All right but not room enough to get in.”

  “We’ll try. Close your eyes.” I steadied vertically on the spot Lib had told them to clear. “Gunsighted, girl?”