by L. J. Stock
“Yeah, and? We can still have fun, can’t we, baby? The deal was for Homecoming and Winter Formal, anyway.” I wanted to gag at the seductive purr she’d added to her tone. I could almost see the way she was standing, her body moving closer, hands around his waist…
“Are you kidding right now? My dad is fucking blackmailing me. He’s making me do everything I hate because he’s living vicariously through me to avoid dealing with… life.” He bit off the last word as though it tasted bad. “What part of that is fun for me?”
“Everything you hate?” Libby asked, her tone haughty.
“You bet your fucking ass you’re included in that.”
“You act so high and mighty. Like you’re above all of this. Jesus, look around you, Dustin Hill. This is high school. All this attention you have, all of this idolizing because of the great chance at the championship… None of this shit will be there when you graduate. Outside of high school is a blank slate. All I’m asking for is a good final year. Memories that I can look back on fondly—”
“That you can look back on fondly? That, right there, is your problem, darlin’. It’s always about you and your need for attention. Memories for me are the things that I want to experience and remember when I think back on this time, and I don’t want to remember you, Libby.”
“You’re hateful, Dustin Hill.”
“I don’t mean to be,” he said with exasperation, and the two of them started walking again.
My sudden horror and misunderstanding of the situation was quite promptly gone. My dire need to escape had dissipated with every word I’d overheard. My instincts were right. Dustin wasn’t a bad guy. He was just being controlled from every direction in every little decision he attempted to make for himself. I didn’t want to be a part of that negativity in his life. I wouldn’t make drama where there wasn’t any, so I picked up my bag and headed back to the gym, dodging the dwindling crowd coming from the opposite direction. Taking my time to climb the ladder, I made the journey up and over the lip of the roof without being spotted by anyone passing below, which was a little blessing.
Not bothering to dig out my keys and go inside the shack, I chose to drop into one of the chairs that sat just outside of the structure, enjoying the silence and promised darkness beyond the stadium lights. I wasn’t going to stay long. Not tonight, but I wasn’t going to run away, either.
I didn’t have to wait for long for him to show up. I heard Dustin the moment he stepped off the ladder and headed toward me. He was treading carefully, almost as though he was unsure I was the one who was there, but I understood what was bothering him now. There was no doubt in my mind that he knew I’d seen the kiss between him and Libby, and he had no idea how I was going to react.
“Miki?” Dustin’s voice was quieter than the roofs gravel crunching under his feet.
“You could have told me.” My voice wasn’t warm, but neither was it cold. Neutrality was what I’d been aiming for.
Dustin sighed in frustration and rushed forward, pulling the other chair closer to mine before he perched on the edge and watched me intently. It took everything in me to not cry. I reminded myself constantly that I’d only known him for a week and had no right or claim on him. I knew I should never have let myself feel the way I did, but it was too late for that. I was feeling something I had no way of putting into words.
“I was planning on explaining everything when I came up here earlier,” he whispered, placing his palms together, his two index fingers finding the bridge of his nose.
“But you thought kissing me was a better resolution?”
“I followed my gut, Mik.” He dropped his hand, picked up one of mine and squeezed it between his. “I don’t want to date her. I don’t want to talk to her, but my dad…”
“I understand.” My tone was cold then, even to my ears, but that was the pain talking. I didn’t hate him. I wasn’t what I would call upset, either, and the last thing I wanted was to make his life more difficult. I was, however, disappointed and hurt that he hadn’t kept his distance when he’d known what he’d had to do—what his father had demanded from him.
“I really don’t think you do.”
“I understand your dad is blackmailing you.”
“But?” he asked, reading my abrupt silence correctly.
“Why did you kiss me? If you knew we couldn’t…” I took a deep breath. I wasn’t going to make a fool of myself by telling him how much I wanted something between us. Not when my morals demanded that I cut my heart off before I went and got it broken. “You’re dating someone else, Dustin, whether by your own volition or not. You and Libby are a couple.”
“I don’t want to–”
“But you are.”
“Don’t give up on me, Miki,” he whispered, bending over our hands and pressing his lips to my palm.
“And what is it you want from me?” I asked, balling my free hand while he couldn’t see it.
“I just want to spend time with you. Be with you like we have been. I’ve never known anyone like you before, Miki. I just want more time with you. I want you. It’s just… complicated.”
“Then I only see one resolution.” I pulled my hand from his and picked up my bag. Slipping from the chair, I stood over him for a second, sliding the strap up my arm to my shoulder. “We uncomplicate things. I think it’s best we just stay away from one another. You’re more than welcome to use the grove, but please keep it to when I’m not there. If you have any respect for me at all, you won’t ask me to be a part of this. I don’t want to be any man’s mistress.”
“Miki.”
“I’m sorry.”
“About walking away? Don’t. My dad wants me to date Libby until the Winter Formal. That’s his only rule on it. After that, we can go our separate ways, but this isn’t what I want. He wants the crown, not me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You keep saying that, but you’re…” I was backing away, and all I could see in his eyes was hurt. I just hoped my heart shattering wasn’t as obvious as his frustrations. "Please, Miki.”
I walked away slowly, avoiding looking in his direction as I pulled the other strap of my back over my shoulder and started down the ladder again.
I didn’t go home.
For a while, it seemed impossible for me to go where I really wanted to, now that the place was filled with memories of those few glorious days with Dustin, but I was determined to move past my fast rising infatuation. My place under the trees had always been my salvation and safe place, and no one could take that away from me. Memories are echoes of something we choose to shroud ourselves in, but I could make a choice to ignore them, too. I needed my freedom and safety. I needed to escape my life for a while.
I didn’t get out of the car when I pulled in under the low-hanging tendrils of the willow. I just rolled all of the windows down and laid my seat back as far as it would go, choosing to listen to a battery-operated radio with my headphones. I closed my eyes and let the music wash over me. Ballad after ballad, all filled with loves lost and coveted, filling the space between my ears. Some they won, some they lost, but the more I listened, the easier it was to relax and form images in my head. Three hosts came and went as I continued listening, the sun eventually filtering through the trees and making the heat in the car oppressive, but I still didn’t move. Only late in the afternoon, when my body seized up and my bladder threatened to break me, did I sit back up and turn over the engine with regret.
Dizzy from dehydration, lack of sleep, and a little sore from being curled up in my reclined car seat, I realized I’d been there for longer than I’d intended, and I still didn’t feel better about how things had gone with Dustin. I needed more time to process all of the alien thoughts that were beating at me, but I also needed my bed and sleep. Maybe I could sleep through whatever my dad was going to bring to the house in a few hours. But only time would tell, and time felt too infinite when all the pain that surrounded me settled in for the long haul.
; Chapter Six
Tapping at my bedroom window pulled me from my already disturbed sleep. My eyes were sore and swollen from crying, and my heart was a burning hole in my chest. To make matters worse, I was furious with myself for being so weak. I’d known better than to get attached to someone like Dustin, and yet in those days we’d spent together talking endlessly, I was already dedicated—and enthralled by the kiss we’d shared. After a glance at the now darkened window, I assumed that the tapping had come from one of the people in the living room as they’d passed my room. No one else would have come by my house, especially not at that time of the night.
Rolling over, I dragged the thin comforter up over my shoulders and pulled my legs to my stomach. At least I was blessed with the coldest room in the house. This never-ending summer was impossible to escape when it permeated everything, and even the insects were confused as they chirped and rattled from the fields surrounding my dad’s house. I’d almost drifted to sleep again when another set of taps hit the pane of the glass. My attention was now concentrated toward my main thoroughfare to my room. The darkness beyond gave nothing away. There was no moon for me to even make out a silhouette. There was only one person who had ever knocked on my window, and I knew where she was tonight. Didn’t I?
What if something had gone wrong?
Panic rushed through me at the thought of Megan being hurt or upset, forcing me to jump into action, peeling the comforter from around my legs and flipping the side lamp on. Stumbling toward the window in temporary blindness, I straightened my shorts and pulled my hair back from my face in an attempt to scrub the sleep from my face. Flipping the latch and ignoring the sudden and raucous laughter from the living room, I slid the window open from its frame and crouched to peer out.
My visitor wasn’t Megan after all.
Not even close.
Completely surprised, I found myself face to face with Dustin.
My heart started a slow, painful hammering in my throat as I assessed him in the dull light cast from behind me. He looked almost as terrible as I felt. His cap was on his head but loosely. His haunted eyes flashed in the darkness with a determination I’d never seen before, while his hands were balled tightly at his sides like he was angry as hell. If it hadn’t been for the pained look and the pleading in his gaze, I’d have thought he was pissed off at me.
“What the hell are you doing here?” I hissed in panic as another round of giggles filtered through my locked bedroom door, tempting me to glance over my shoulder in concern. “I thought we’d decided–”
“No.” Dustin, shaking his head rocked forward. “You decided for us, remember? And then you walked away, not so much as giving me a second to get my thoughts in order.”
“You said your life was complicated. I uncomplicated it.” I lowered myself to a crouch, my arms folding on the frame of the window as I stared out at him. I was trying my very best to hide my awe and wonder of him being at my house at all. I hadn’t known he knew where I’d lived. All that thinking and admonishment I’d been doing and my resolve was already beginning to struggle. With him now close enough to touch, my restraint was a thin band that would snap the moment it was tested, and I could see Dustin’s struggle, too. The eagerness to touch me was worn in his assessing stare—the longing almost painful to see.
Dustin stepped forward, his hands opening and closing as he stretched them from their balled state before gripping the window frame on either side and rocking himself closer. Too close. Dustin’s burning blue eyes met mine and held them captive for the longest time. He never released me, even as he eased closer and reduced the gap between us.
“I can’t stop thinking about you, Miki,” he whispered in a pained breath. Every word dripped with sincerity as he held me captivated, and I was ready to give in before the battle had so much as begun. I’d missed him so much I ached.
“Stop. Please.”
“I can’t. I don’t want to.” He leaned forward, his lips barely an inch from mine. Being that near became difficult for him to maintain eye contact with me, and with the spell temporarily broken, I fell back on my hands and crab crawled as far from him as I could to put distance between us. Unfortunately, vacating my place at the window only allowed him entrance into my room, and he took the opportunity without an ounce of hesitation.
The moment he was inside, he straightened to his full height, his wide shoulders unfurling like wings on the back of an angel. I glanced up at him, up and up, my eyes finally finding his quirked lips as he glanced around my private space and took everything in. My room was my sanctuary. My safe place. Everything I possessed in the world lined the walls and filled the drawers. My room had seen every milestone in my life, absorbed all of my tears, and calmed all of my fears, but now there was a boy inside the confines. A boy who was looking around like he had all the right in the world to be there, shaking the very foundations of the peace I’d always possessed here.
“That wasn’t an invitation to come in,” I said, pushing to my feet, suddenly feeling very underdressed in my tiny shorts and vest. Straightening my shoulders and rolling them back, I lifted my chin in defiance before raising a hand and pointing to the open window with more confidence than I felt. “Please leave.”
Dustin stopped his surveillance and turned his aqua blue eyes on me, but I couldn’t read his expression. Deciphering him was something I’d grown competent at over the past days, and being unable to do that now unnerved me.
“Tell me you haven’t been thinking about me, too,” he begged, sucking his lip between his teeth.
“That’s not the point.”
“So, you have.” The light that made his face brighten was the first fissure in my weakened resolve. How were you supposed to fight this kind of attraction, especially when the other person was declaring he felt the very same way you did?
But he has a girlfriend, my conscience screamed with disappointment.
“I have, of course, I have, but I also thought about the fact that you lied to me. That after kissing me, you were forced to confess that you’re still with your perfect girlfriend so you can go to your perfect homecoming together and get the crown you’ve been working for since your freshman year. Lying about the fact that you can’t—”
“Stop.” The word was final. Brutal. Delivered because of the shame and pain he was feeling. I felt the mortar in my walls of defense falter further under the weight of his pain. I had to stay strong. I had to be cruel. Determination was the only choice I had for self-preservation.
“Why?” I snapped, hating the quiver in my voice. “Does the truth hurt?”
Dustin stepped closer to me, his right hand raising slowly from his side and reaching out until his fingers brushed lightly over my chin. I was torn between running away from him and stepping into his touch, but I stayed where I was, frozen to the spot and unsure of where he was going next. He remained in place, his only movement coming from the fingers now sliding along my jaw until he flattened his palm and cupped my cheek, a gentle nudge angling my face so I had nowhere else to look but at him.
“Please. Don’t do this,” I whispered. Even my begging was ridiculous and lacked commitment. I was unsure about my own ability to walk away now because, God, I wanted him, and that want had become a burning in the center of my chest.
“Just let me hold you.”
“No.” My response escaped, choked and quiet. What he was asking for was too dangerous. I wanted him too badly, and my constraint would only take me so far before it snapped like a rubber band and allowed me to make a fool of myself. I thought I’d known him, thought I could trust him, but all he’d managed to do after our time together was hurt me. I’d allowed that. I’d given him the power to do that.
“Miki.” The longing in his tone was almost painful to hear, and when he brought his left hand to the other side of my face, mirroring the position of the first, he whispered to me. “Please… I need you.”
No one had ever needed me before, and the words held more power than I wo
uld have ever thought words could, but I was clinging to the last of my resistance now, nails embedded in the crumbling resolve. Every one of my morals and beliefs gathered around me in a last-ditch attempt to form a shield.
“Why?” I asked. It seemed like a reasonable question. He still had Libby to go to, to hold, and to love. At least that’s what I’d been convincing myself of since I’d walked away from him. He didn’t need me in the slightest. I’d given him nothing but comfort and an ear when he’d been desperate.
“Because you’re the only person in the world I can be myself with. I think about you. Your eyes, your hair, the way your lips curl when you’re amused by something you think is stupid. I’m always waiting for that moment I can get away from the rest of my life and meet you under the trees, or on the gym roof. Don’t you see? I don’t want any of that other shit in my life because none of that matters anymore. Only you. You’re what matters to me. Just let me hold you tonight. Please?”
“What about what I want?”
Grunting, Dustin brought his face closer, the silkiness of his lips brushing faintly against mine. For the time we’d been meeting, he’d always seemed so relatable to me. I’d never felt like there was even the year age gap between us. We’d been equals. Standing in front of him now—my heart pounding violently and my stomach fluttering like a giant butterfly had been set free with its wings brushing against my nerves—I suddenly felt as though he was so much more mature than me. I was just a child. The small gap in our ages suddenly felt like a growing ravine. Dustin was experienced in relationships and sex. He already knew what he liked and disliked, whereas I knew nothing, and I had absolutely nothing to offer him.