by L. J. Stock
Crying every ounce of pain from myself, I washed my face in the cool water again as my mind turned the information over in my head. Pregnant. Baby. Teen mother. Tied down father… That’s how this would be seen. That Quinten girl had trapped him by getting herself knocked up. Accidentally on purpose to keep my meal ticket, of course. None of that was the truth, but I knew the scenario was how the rest of the town would see the situation. I knew because that was what they were still saying about my parents seventeen years later.
When I couldn’t take any more of my own pessimism and doom, I left the restrooms and got in the truck waiting for Megan. She thoughtfully bought us some cathartic milkshakes, then climbed in beside me, and sat in uncharacteristic silence.
In those moments of solitude, before she’d rejoined me, I had made the only decision I could make now. I’d known what I had to do the moment I’d seen the positive mark on the pregnancy test. That was why I’d fallen apart so desperately. Yes, I was a statistic. Yes, I was pregnant, but I could live with both of those things, and I would because I could make the best of that situation. What I couldn’t do was rob Dustin of his bright future. He could still escape and live his life the way he’d needed to. I could give him that. I could set him free. I didn’t want him turning into my dad because his future had been cut short.
“Don’t say anything to anyone,” I croaked out and dragged in a stuttering breath.
“Mik,” she said quietly, handing me the chocolate milkshake after I’d pulled on my seatbelt. She didn’t necessarily disagree with my request—she was just testing the waters.
“No one, Meg. Not even Robert. Please, promise me. I need to think about all of this.”
“Okay, but—”
“No buts.” I pulled the visor down and checked my face to make sure the cool water had done its work and taken the blotchiness away. There was nothing I could do about the redness of my eyes, but I hoped the drive would resolve that.
“Fine. Not a word. Just... don’t push him away, even if you do that for his own good. He loves you. Let him do what he needs to do.”
The sting of tears came quickly this time, and I shook my head in exasperation. “Dammit, Meg.”
“What? You thought I hadn’t figured it out?” she asked, handing me a napkin. “You act like I haven’t known you my whole life.”
A momentary lapse of sanity had made me think she might have missed that part of my decision process, but I was an idiot to think she wouldn’t have followed my train of thought. Aside from Dustin, she knew me better than anyone else in the world. Of course, she’d have figured I would do everything in my power to protect him.
“I can’t go with him. You know I can’t. He has a scholarship and a life planned for himself, and me and this…” I pointed to my still flat stomach, “was supposed to be much farther down the road. I love him too much to do this to him, Meg. I won’t let him turn into my dad. I know he loves me too much to let me do this alone until he’s gotten somewhere, so what choice do I have?”
“You’re taking his choices away,” she said with a hint of anger. “What you’re saying is you’re not planning on saying anything to him about this. How are you going to suggest staying here? Don’t you already have the apartment sorted out? Aren’t the transfer papers already in motion? How are you going to hide your tummy at Thanksgiving?”
“I was building up to having my dad sign the transfer.” I took a deep breath and sucked on my straw. For the first time since my mom died, my dad would be helping me, however inadvertently. “I’m going to say he read it and called the guardian card. I’m technically still a minor. I haven’t even started the emancipation paperwork, so it will have to do for now. And hiding it… I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m going to do, Meg. I can’t even think, right now.”
“God.”
“I know.”
“You know he would stand by you, Mik. You know he’d be a father.”
“Of course he would, and I want that. I just don’t want him to make a sacrifice now when it really counts. He has so many plans, so much life to live beyond the borders of this town and county. If that future is without me, so be it. I can do that. For him, I can do that. Please, Meg. Help me.”
Rubbing her forehead, Megan followed my lead and dragged on her straw to drink her milkshake. I could almost see the cogs of her mind working as she stared blankly at the traffic passing us by where we were parked. I was distraught and confused, but no matter how much she shared those emotions with me, she still had the working brain between the pair of us.
Glancing over at me, she rolled her eyes, pushed her cup in the holder between us, and sighed out her resignation.
“Okay, so it’s obvious you’ve been crying. We can use that in our favor. When we get back, tell Dustin that you’ve spoken to your dad and in a moment of sobriety he’s read what you’ve asked him to sign, and he has flat out refused. That should cover the tears for now. Then we can use talking to a lawyer about the emancipation of a minor as cover for any doctor appointments Mom makes, because...” She held her hand up at the beginning of my protest. “You are going to tell Mom. We can’t do this alone, and you can’t hide a baby forever. It’s not a broken vase.”
That was smart, and my dad’s refusal made absolute sense to use as a cover for my emotional breakdown. I was going to have to tell Jen; Megan was right about that. I couldn’t hide my pregnancy forever, and I couldn’t do this alone. First thing first, however… I had to figure out what I was going to do about Dustin and how I was going to get him out of town before the evidence was overwhelming.
“You’re right. The emancipation would also hold me up from leaving with him right away and give me some time. The lawyer would want me to keep the proceeds above board in order for things to go smoothly, and running away wouldn’t work in my favor.”
“That works... for now, but he’s going to find out eventually, Mik. He deserves to…”
“Have his future the way he wants it to be. Yes, you’re absolutely right about that.”
Megan sighed, shook her head and reversed out of the spot before merging into the traffic in the direction of the campsite. She stayed quiet for a long while before holding her hand out for mine. I took it gratefully, comforted by the human contact as another round of tears escaped from my eyes and warmed my cheeks.
“Just cut him some slack if he gets upset about this, okay?”
I nodded in agreement. We both knew that this news was going to taint the end of the trip for Dustin and me, for two completely different reasons, admittedly, but I held out hope that even with this dark cloud hanging over us, we could have a good ending to an amazing Summer.
When Megan and I eventually pulled up to the camp in the truck almost an hour later, I still wasn’t completely in my right mind, and my chest hurt with an ache that seemed too brutal to deal with at my age. We had detoured to pick up some groceries and give me a moment to collect myself a little more. There had only been a brief reprieve from what was coming, though, and the moment Dustin pulled open the door to greet me, his eyes found mine, and he knew something was terribly wrong.
His warm hands reached out tentatively and cupped my cold, damp cheeks. His thumbs reverently brushed a fresh set of tears from under my eyes as he frowned past me to Megan, searching for answers. His compassion and need to protect me was just another one of those things I loved so much about him. He knew when I was too overwhelmed, and he knew who to go to for answers.
“What happened?” he demanded, his tone devoid of any emotion.
“What always happens,” Meg responded with a huff of breath and a roll of her eyes—a look she’d used on multiple occasions when I had let myself get hurt by something my dad did, or more to the point… something he hadn’t done.
Enlightenment at her reaction lit his features, pushing his attention back to me as his eyes filled with empathy. I was aware of Megan and Rob talking quietly as Dustin pulled me against him to ease my quiet sobs. They began moving the groceries
from the truck to their RV to give us some space. Me? I was trapped, unable to move even if I’d wanted to, and I didn’t. Being in Dustin’s arms always felt like a sense of home.
“You called your dad?” Dustin spoke into my hair as he held me.
“Just to check in,” I lied easily, letting the emotions hide the fabrication I’d been working with in my head. I took a deep breath and folded my arms around his waist, putting my weight on him as my cheek rested against his sun-kissed chest. It was a comfort to be against him, to hear the systematic beat of his heart.
“What happened?”
“He read the transfer papers I gave him instead of just signing them.” I was glad he couldn’t see my face. I was pretty sure the pained look I was wearing would give me away in less than a heartbeat.
“Shit.” Dustin’s hands went to my hair, his fingers gripping clumps of strands as he bled in sympathy. “Baby—”
“He’s... not going to sign them.”
“Fuck.”
“My only choice is to go to a lawyer and file for emancipation,” I said shakily, my voice rising with emotion and pain. “And that’s going to take a while, and I can’t leave when he’s got a petition in against the transfer, which means…”
“I’m going alone.” The pain in his voice was too much for me to take and the dam broke again. Tears and choked sobs drowned out his rain of expletives while my hands fisted his T-shirt with guilt and confusion, forcing him to pull me against him tightly. I’d hoped being this close to him would make me feel better about my decision. Being close to him always had given me strength in the past, but now… all I could see was what I was losing, what I was letting go of. I was acutely aware of the pain settling around my heart like barbed wire, squeezing until the unbearable agony was the only thing I could feel
Of course, Dustin was angry and upset about the change and took his time going through a million alternate plans before he cursed the world and everyone in it. His frustration wasn’t aimed at me in any shape or form. He would stroke my hair and whisper promises to make everything right, while barbs were constantly thrown out at my father as the evening passed. Lying in his arms, watching as the stars took control of the dark sky, my mind became unavoidably preoccupied with the reality of my new situation.
I was pregnant.
I was going to lose the guy I loved, and the opportunity to have a genuine relationship with him outside of the weird dynamic that had followed us around. I couldn’t leave this town behind and build the life we’d wanted to now, all because of one impulsive night. One moment of complete and utter love and passion, joy and hope—and my future was now entwined with another. I was going to be responsible for another human being before I’d so much as graduated high school.
That night was one of the hardest of my life to date, but despite the scars that were now etched into my heart and soul, time continued to pass.
The days only got longer and harder after the discovery of my pregnancy. Dustin and I avoided talking about my not leaving with him as much as we could while still on the camping trip, and we took the opportunity to just be together in every way we could. The ignorance is bliss approach had been his idea. He’d wanted to enjoy our time alone and figured we could deal with reality when we were forced back into it, and the town we both hated.
I managed to push the pregnancy to the back of my mind while we were there, and that gave me a chance to stay away from lying to Dustin.
I reveled in the time we had together, watching him even when he was lost in playing football with Rob or lying on the towel soaking up the sun as the rays kissed his skin and earned my envy. I wanted to spend my life with him. I wanted to wake up to him every morning and take in his face while he was still lost to sleep. I wanted to walk down the streets with my hand in his and make him dinner. I wanted to laugh at his stupid jokes and feel the heat of his gaze when I was preoccupied. I wanted him and our future, but that wasn’t mine anymore. I had to send him to college to live the way he’d wanted to when his uncle had touched his heart and given him a path.
I didn’t want to say goodbye, and I didn’t want to lie to him, but when we got back home in late July things got a little more complicated.
Chapter Seventeen
Morning sickness was awful. It was like discovering I was pregnant had released my body’s hold on the nasty side effects of being with child. I’d been able to hold myself together while we’d been in Colorado, but that first morning back, waking in my own bed, had been a nightmare. I soon discovered that the sickness wasn’t just in the mornings, either. Nausea followed me around like a ghost, always lingering in the background, threatening to make itself known and give me away when I was with Dustin. I couldn’t escape.
Even if I wanted to pretend the pregnancy and the sickness weren’t real, my body refused to let that be an option. I closed my eyes, and a brief reprieve would blanket me as sleep claimed me, but the calm never lasted long. Unspoken conversations would manifest themselves as dreams, and I would wake up feeling hurt and rejected, even though I was certain the news would be met with logic and understanding. After all, I hadn’t been the only one there that night. I hadn’t knocked myself up. Dustin was always willing to work through problems, even at risk to himself. He was selfless in ways I wasn’t sure I could ever be, and that only made me love him more. As it stood, I was the reason our relationship was currently a secret. I refused to be a wall between him and his family, especially when they needed him right now.
My main priority, outside of spending as much time as I could with Dustin before he left, was finding a way to tell Jen about my predicament. I wasn’t looking forward to that particular conversation, but the moment Megan had brought up talking to her mom, I’d known that was the smartest course of action. I wasn’t actively looking forward to disappointing her—and my pregnancy and lack of responsibility would be a disappointment—but I knew she was my best source of help, and the only adult I could openly discuss this with. I couldn’t and wouldn’t hide it from her. I just had to find the right time. The last thing I needed was my dad being called by the doctors when I was deemed a minor if I tried to go to the clinic alone.
Unfortunately, my timing to tell Jen was stolen from me. My body’s demands and sudden upheaval of anything I put inside of it gave me away long before I had the chance to sit her down and break the news gently. If the timing had been up to me, I wouldn’t have been hanging over her toilet while she held my hair back when she discovered my mistake. I would have sat her down and discussed the situation over a muffin while she was distracted, and I had organized someplace to hide if the talk went badly. I’d learned long before that moment, however, that I rarely got the things I wanted and was handed the things I needed instead.
I’d spent the night at their house after I’d fallen asleep watching movies with Megan. My body was getting less energetic the further I got into the pregnancy, and while the smell of the bacon frying had initially drawn me to the kitchen, a mouthful of egg had me running to the bathroom with Jen following in parental concern.
Sitting on the floor, Jen draped a cool, damp face cloth over the back of my neck, drawing away some of the misery that the retching had caused. Her gentle hands rubbed maternal, sympathetic circles over my back, easing the tension that had been there as I depleted what little was in my stomach to begin with.
The nausea was finally beginning to pass. The greasiness in my stomach eased slowly as I gulped down breaths of clean air and ignored the burning in my raw throat. I’d never done well with sickness, and this was no exception. Even as the sickness passed, misery had begun to settle in its place. My life was already changing too much and too quickly. It was quickly slipping through my fingers and out of my control, and I hadn’t even seen a doctor yet.
I’d barely glanced up at Jen when acknowledgment and realization burned in her eyes. I didn’t have to say a word. One look at my face and she already knew.
“Jesus, Miki. You’re pregnant!”
Jen’s voice had an edge as sharp as a whip. It lacerated the control I’d been trying to maintain over my pitiful sobs and brought them to the forefront as I drew my knees to my chest, encasing myself in a protective ball. I nodded. I didn’t have any other response to her accusation. What was there left to say? Anything that came from my mouth in the form of denial would be a lie, and that was the only thing she’d ever asked of me. No lies. Not for the big things, anyway.
This was pretty freaking big.
“Oh, baby girl,” she whimpered, sliding from her seat on the edge of the tub and curling her arms and body around mine protectively. The edge to her tone was gone, replaced by empathy, concern, and sadness as she gathered me to her. I clung to the lifeline she offered, my hands grappling and pulling her closer as I let go of the tenuous strength of will that I’d been holding onto by the tips of my fingers for weeks.
Megan had been amazing to me. She’d been a well of strength from the second I’d realized what was happening to my body, but this woman, this mother figure of mine, had stripped the walls of tenacity away until I was the lost seventeen-year-old child again. The lost teenager who was faced with an impossible situation and wasn’t entirely sure what to do.
“I’m so sorry,” I wept, pushing my face into her soft hair, unable to meet her eyes while I felt as raw as I did. “I never intended for this to happen. I was so careful. I thought I was… Jen, I don’t know what to do.”
“Baby.” I could hear the matching tears in the tone of her voice but chose to cling to the repetitive and comforting strokes of her hand through my hair. “How far along are you?”
Shaking my head, I drew in a deep breath and released it again before responding with some semblance of calm. “From what I know, eight to ten weeks. I’m pretty sure it was prom night.”
“Damn. What does Dustin say about it?”
“He… doesn’t know,” I replied in a small voice. “I don’t want him to know.”