by L. J. Stock
Meeting Garrett’s eyes, I nodded and backed away, heading to where Megan and Robert were standing on the porch. I’d barely made it five steps when Garrett called out my name.
“Can we talk? Later, I mean?” He sounded neutral when he spoke to me. There was none of the warmth that had been there before, and none of the gentleness he’d been using with Holly. I should have been encouraged by the lack of chill there, but I suspected that was for Holly’s benefit, not mine.
I nodded, pushing my hands into my shorts’ pockets as I continued to the porch and dropped my chin to my chest in an attempt to stop the impending tears. I was happy that Holly finally had someone in her dad’s family to talk to, but I couldn’t stop the selfish pang of my own loss.
Megan greeted me, her arm circling my waist as I turned to watch Holly and Garrett head off to one of the trails that led to the small lake at the back of the property. It was only when they disappeared that I let myself cry.
The creaking of the screen door told me Robert had escaped to take care of the kids, but Megan rested her head on my shoulder as I stared at the trail and waited for them to return.
“Come and sit. This may take a while, honey.”
I let her lead me to the porch swing, and dropped my ass to it the moment she turned me, my eyes finding the spot again. My internal berating was only just beginning to flay the skin from me when a warm mug was pushed into my hands, and the swing began to rock with the added weight of Jen’s body on my other side.
“Did you see the way he was looking at her?” I asked in a quiet voice. “He could see Dustin.”
“Not hard to miss,” Megan said, rubbing my back as she and Jen swung us. “You’ve said it yourself a million times, honey.”
“What if…” I paused and took a sip of the strong coffee, my eyes never leaving the trail. “What if Suzanne was right, and he tries to take custody of her?”
“Then we’ll deal with it,” Jen answered, matter-of-factly. “I understand why you’re worried, baby, but your situation isn’t what it was fourteen years ago. You have money, a great business, a good home, and a happy and healthy kid who loves you. No court in the world would take her away from you, and visitation wouldn’t be a terrible thing. She’s fourteen, smart and mature enough to make the right choice for herself. She’s still figuring out who she is. Maybe knowing Dustin’s family can really help her figure it all out.”
This was why I opened myself up to these two women. They knew my fears. They knew what made me anxious and scared, and they knew Holly. They could both ground me again when things got too crazy, and I began to question everything.
I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to be feeling right now. Had anyone else ever been in a fucked up situation like this? It felt like one of those moments that should have me reassessing my life and every single one of my decisions that had brought me to this point, but I realized quickly that I liked my life, even with the crazy shit that was piling up. I liked being here in Childress, close to the people who meant the world to me. I liked how happy Holly was when she was here and the friendships she was building, not just with Megan’s kids but the other kids in her riding lessons. I liked knowing she could see Garrett whenever she wanted, and maybe in time her grandfather. I liked being close to Dustin to visit him whenever I wanted, whether it was in the small grove of trees, the roof of the gym, or the cemetery. I wanted the horses Holly wanted. I wanted to build a house by those trees and knock down the one where Dustin had died so it wouldn’t hold the significance of that night anymore. I wanted Holly to be happy, comfortable, and close to the things that mattered to her.
“I’m going to stay,” I said it aloud to see how it felt, to see the others reactions.
To my surprise, neither of them said a word. They just looked at me and continued to swing the three of us, waiting for me to go on with my train of thought so they wouldn’t derail me.
“There’s a possibility Garrett will end up hating me,” I said while they were humoring me. “I get that, and I refuse to run away. Holly’s happy here, and I realize that I’m happy here, too. It won’t be easy, selling the bar will be hard, but I can open one here, and I can build the house that I’ve always wanted for Holly and me. And y’all are here, and I’m tired of being so far away I can’t drop in and bother you whenever the hell I want.”
“Who are you trying to convince here, sugar?” Megan laughed. “I’m sold.”
I smiled and turned to look at her.
“You’ve been too far away for too long,” Jen agreed, pulling one leg to her chest. “Are you still sure about that land for Garrett. I can shred the paperwork I started.”
“No. It’s his, and he should have it. Let it go through. Maybe I can find the time to give it to him when he’s not about to tear strips from my hide.”
“Probably a good plan,” Megan chortled. “Though it may be an ace in the hole if he gets too self-righteous.”
“Emotional blackmail?”
“Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it,” Megan responded, her eyes flicking to the door and back to me. “It’s not a one-sided defense, and you’re insane if you think he won’t try to use that against you.”
“Megan!”
“What, Mom?” she asked with a grin. “I learned it from you.”
Our conversation lightened, and swinging together we sipped coffee and waited for the return of Holly and Garrett. My conversation with him wasn’t going to be easy. I already knew that, but I would endure whatever he had to give, as long as Holly was happy, and from the look on her face when they turned that corner out from the trail of the tall bushes, she was.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
I was up and out of the swing; abandoning the mug on the porch railing the moment I saw them. I had barely clambered down the porch steps when Holly set off and hit me at a dead run, her arms wrapping around me as the impact rocked me on my heels.
“You’re not mad, are you?” she asked quietly into my shoulder, and I couldn’t do more than tighten my arms as I gathered her to me.
“Never, baby. Are you okay?”
“I’m good. I really like him, Mom.”
I glanced up at Garrett who was approaching cautiously, his hands in his pockets and shoulders curled in, as though trying to make him smaller as he approached. I offered him a smile and held up one finger, asking him for a moment with Holly before I acquiesced to his request to talk. He gave me an imperceptible smile and a nod before detouring to lean against his truck, while I steered Holly toward Megan’s porch and sat us both on the steps. I kissed her head like I’d been away from her all day rather than the hour she’d been on her walk. I’d known Garrett wouldn’t say or do anything to make her feel uncomfortable, but the happiness that glowed from every part of her made my heart flutter in my chest in a way that carried my eyes to him, once again. He was looking away, but I could see the conflict in the tension of his body. Turning my attention back to Holly, I smiled at her, soaking up the joy that would have been infectious had it not been for the dark cloud called Garrett standing not thirty feet from us.
“I’m glad you do, baby,” I said, brushing her hair with my fingers and keeping the topic light. Holly didn’t need to know how nervous I felt about talking to Garrett about this. “Did he tell you about his horses?”
“He did. Momma, he has so many because he breeds them, but said he has about four or five personal horses, and that I could learn to ride on any of them because he broke them in himself and trusts them the most. He rides western saddle but says he has English style saddles and jumping saddles, too. One of the girls that grooms for him is a barrel racer. He said she could teach me to do that as well. He also has two dogs, Jose and Cuervo and, like, twelve stray cats that live on his ranch and kill all the mice in the stables. One just had a litter of kittens, and he said if you said it’s okay, I can go play with them.”
Burying my face in her hair, I closed my eyes and smiled. She already knew more about him than I did. Well,
the everyday part of him, at least. I knew some of what he did on his ranch, but I didn’t have that childlike innocence to ask more involved questions that adults just don’t think to ask. She was so excited and happy. I clung to her for as long as I could before the teenage impertinence caught up with her and she pushed me away.
“It’s fine with me, honey,” I whispered. “Before I go talk to Garrett, though, I wanted to talk to you about something.”
Holly stiffened for a moment and made a move to escape, but I tightened my embrace around her. “Just give me five more minutes.”
“Mom…”
“Let me talk, and I promise I will let you go back to being a teenager.”
Holly laughed but stopped her attempt to escape, dropping her cheek to my shoulder as she relaxed only the smallest amount. “Momma, are we going back to Colorado today?”
“No, baby,” I said, releasing a long breath and cradling her head against me. I smiled when her full weight pressed against me in relief. “We can talk about what we want to do later, but for now the plan is the same. Summer here to see how it goes, then you and I will talk about how we feel and what we want to do. This is something we both have to agree on.”
“Okay. That sounds like a good plan,” she said lightly, her hands rubbing my back a couple of times. “I love you, Mom. Thank you.”
I laughed and squeezed her one last time before loosening my grip on her. I could have stayed wrapped around her protectively like that for hours, but she’d never have allowed it. “I love you, too, Holly. Always have.”
“Always will,” she murmured, not moving. Sucking in a deep breath, she finally picked up her head and looked up at me with earnest eyes. “You need to talk to him. We talked a little about some things, but I think you need to talk to him so he doesn’t feel so uncomfortable about everything, you know?”
Garrett had already earned her trust, I realized. Holly was giving nothing away about their conversation other than the fact that the two of them had discussed me in one way or another. That she wouldn’t repeat what had been said told me all I needed to know. She normally told me everything, but I was okay with this silence because she needed the connection to her uncle.
I also didn’t miss that she was sending me on my way and telling me in her not so subtle way to behave myself and be good.
“You going to be okay?” I asked, my hands stroking her hair with all the reverence I felt.
“Better than okay. I still have a riding lesson, right?”
I made a funny face at her and laughed with genuine humor.
“That’s right. You do.” I looked over at Garrett who was doing his best not to look in our direction. His arms were crossed over his chest as he stared out over the fields, but the muscle in his jaw ticked enough to tell me he was still focused on the two of us. “I’m going to take Garrett to my trees that I shared with your dad. He’s been there before, but I need him to see something, okay?”
Holly nodded, her hands gripping mine and pulling them between us. “I want to see them, too. Not now, but one day?”
“Anytime you like,” I said winking at her. “Now, go and get dressed for your lesson. I will have my phone if you need me.”
She grinned at me, leaned forward and rubbed her nose against mine before hopping to her feet, waving at Garrett and shooting into the house, her hands briefly gripping those of Megan and Jen as she passed.
“Is that okay?” I asked Megan realizing I’d arranged her day before talking to her and laughing at her eye roll of exasperation.
“Absolutely fine. You can do the next one.”
“Anytime. I owe you.”
Jen sent me a wink and opened the door, nodding at Garrett as she held it open for Megan.
“Call me if you need me?” Megan said pointedly, her eyes straying in the direction of Garrett as a warning.
“I will,” I promised, pushing my hands against my thighs as I rose to stand.
I was so nervous my stomach was beginning to twist like it did when I went on a roller coaster. It was that sick, excited feeling that left you completely unplugged and unsure of what was coming, even though you knew you’d at least have answers once it passed. I walked toward Garrett and stopped in front of him, gazing up to meet his brown eyes as I shoved my hands in the back pockets of my shorts and studied his face for a moment.
“She likes you,” I said quietly.
“I like her,” he said flatly, his emotions locked behind the fortified wall he’d put up between us. I understood that I deserved to be shut out and held at arm’s length, but it didn’t stop the ache that resided in my chest. Less than two hours ago, heat and want had burned behind those brown eyes as he’d asked me to stay. Now, it felt as though that had never been there.
“Can I take you somewhere?” I asked rocking back on my heels. “I know that you probably don’t want to…”
“I’ll drive.” The words were another emotionless response that spurred him into action. He barely noticed that he’d cut me off from what I’d been saying as he pushed from the hood and made his way around to his side. He was in the truck before I’d so much as pulled my hands from my pockets, and the roar of the diesel engine as he turned it over pushed me out of the way and over to the passenger side. When I climbed in, I pulled on my seatbelt on with very little words of my own now I’d been cowed into submission.
Maybe letting him yell and scream and get it all out of his system would be the best way to start this conversation. At least then I could defend myself, and I would escape this bubble of uncertainty that had encompassed the two of us. Then again, maybe that was my guilt talking. Maybe being yelled at would make me feel less guilty about something I’d been fine with for the past fourteen years.
Shit.
“Garrett,” I said, once I’d pointed him in the right direction. He ignored me and drove, his eyes on the road and mouth pressed into a thin line of derision.
I could take a hint, so I held my silence after that, only giving him quietly spoken directions when it was needed. I glanced up at him when we neared the place I’d had the flat, and before I knew what I was doing, told him to pull over. I saw the small twitch in his glance as he pulled to the shoulder and stopped at almost the exact spot where he’d pulled over to help me only months earlier.
“What are you doing, Kay?” he asked, annoyance a tinge in his tone.
“You recognize the place.” It wasn’t a question. He knew as well as I did where we were, but he needed to know what I hadn’t known to tell him that first time. He nodded, so I continued. “That’s not the only significance of this spot. Fifteen years ago, this was where I met Dustin for the first time, too.” I could see it all so clearly in my head. “He was racing out of town with a bottle of bourbon and got right up my ass and pushed me off the road. He was maniacal, ranting, and pacing, while not making much sense to himself or me. When I finally calmed him down and talked to him, I found out he was trying to hide from the world and not be found until he’d made his point, so I gave him somewhere to hide.”
“The game he missed?” Garrett finally asked, hands twisting on the steering wheel in agitation. He was softening but didn’t want to. His bottom lip twitched and his eyes closed as he let the words sink in.
“Yeah. He was trying to get kicked off the team.”
“So you took him to your trees?” he asked, looking over at me.
“I did,” I replied, squeaking as he very suddenly threw the truck into drive and spun out and away from the shoulder, leaving a cloud of dust and gravel behind us. Sucking in a shaky breath as I was thrown back into my seat, I dropped my hands to the edge of the cushion and gripped tightly until my nails ached.
“Did you fuck him?” Garrett growled, his voice growing steadily louder with every word he offered. He glanced at me once before turning back to the road, his brow marring with what I could only assume was confusion.
Was he jealous? I wondered quietly, choosing to stare at my hands as something f
lipped and fluttered inside of me. I wasn’t even sure what to feel anymore.
“What? Jesus, no!” I shook my head and swallowed a sob. “We talked, listened to music, and watched the light fade and the stars shine and disappear again. He didn’t touch me. Just talked openly. About you, your dad, and your mom, the things he loved and hated. I knew more about him in that one night than I’d known about him in the ten years that we’d been in the same school system together. He bared his soul to me, and I knew that night what it felt like to not be alone anymore.”
The truck bounced over the cattle grid and plowed through the field that surrounded the trees. It was strange knowing that the only person who would be upset by the intrusion of the truck was me. I’d spent most of my life worried about the owner discovering my presence, and the whole time it had been my father.
I looked over as my hand rose to the handle over the door. Garrett was so focused on what was ahead of him; I doubted he even realized the scowl he was wearing. I opened my mouth to go on talking, but the glare he gave me as I drew in a breath had my mouth snapping shut. My small grace period was over, and as he slid to a stop under the trees sending a green cast over us, and a cloud of dirt into the overgrown curtain of willow branches, he slammed the truck into park and turned in his seat to face me.
The agony of grief, the void of loss, and scars of betrayal contorted his handsome face into something unrecognizable to me. Even as angry as he was, I wasn’t afraid of him or what he would do. I intrinsically knew he wouldn’t hurt me because, under all of that anger and torment, there was still the man I loved, and I understood that I couldn’t have judged him so badly.
“Stop. Talking.” He held up both of his hands, palms facing me as he sucked in angry breaths and released them again. “I fucking get that you loved him.”
He pulled his right hand back and rubbed his mouth and chin, his eyes squeezing so tight together they left creases. He looked like he was in pain.