by Miria Masdan
“We have to leave Eleven,” Quinn’s voice was like a shot through glass.
“What?” I finally spoke, “outside the territory?”
“Not a chance,” Mandy spoke up. “I’m not leaving the border.”
“Why don’t we just get help from Defense?”
Max and Quinn look at each other, but it’s Smith that speaks, “We weren’t supposed to be down here either.”
“So we’re all in trouble?’
“If we get caught, we might be looking at demotion but more likely banishment.” Max is standing next to Grace now.
“Why so severe?” Mandy asks.
“The Under is supposed to be left alone. The Federation ignores it; they would rather leave us here or send us away than let the civilians know too much about it,” Smith says.
“Why was it so easy for us to come down?” I say. “Why did you come down here?”
“It’s not important,” Quinn says. He’s not looking at me either.
“What are we going to do?” Grace asks me. “We are supposed to leave tomorrow for internships.”
“He’ll search for me,” I say. “We could lie, say Marcus took me and they came after us; saved us.”
“It won’t work,” Quinn’s voice is sharp. “Enough of this school girl crap.”
“And your idea is so much better?” I snap. I’m hurt. I’ve dreamed of what it would be like if I ever found him…and this is not how I imagined it. “Taking us out into the wastelands?”
“It’s your fault we’re all in this mess,” he steps closer to me. His eyes are glaring, and he’s looking right at me. His face is stern, and his mouth downturned. “We should just hand her over to Marcus’ men and we can all go home.”
I hear the words come out of his mouth, but I can’t believe what I am hearing. He is the man I love; the one that I try to save, the one that gives his life to save me? I want to scream. I want to run away.
“No!” Grace screeches.
Mandy steps closer to me putting herself in between me and Quinn and shouts, “No one is going to sacrifice anyone else.”
Max looks at Quinn and shakes his head.
I look at Maggie, “where is that stairwell?”
“It’s by the south entry point,” she says. “It’s not a far walk from here…maybe an hour.”
“Can you draw us a map?” I ask.
“Sure,” she says. “Just give me a few minutes.”
“We already decided it was too dangerous,” Quinn shouts at me.
“You’re not going with us,” I shout back. “I don’t want you near me…ever! This is not how it’s supposed to happen!”
“You can’t possibly think you can do this on your own?” Max asks. “They will kill you if they find you.”
“We just won’t let them find us,” I say.
Quinn grabs my arm and whips around, so I am facing him. “You are not going!”
“Get your hands off me; I swear when I get back I’m turning you in for touching me.” I slap him right across the face.
He touches his face; I broke his skin with the ring that Adam gave me. He glares at me.
I swallow back my fear, but I don’t expect his reaction.
“Me?” He pushes me to the ground.
I land hard on my right hand, and I can feel a throbbing begin radiating. I rub it and then I remember my hand tingling this morning.
“You are not a gentleman,” I whimper. I can feel the tears swell behind my eyelids.
“And you are far from a lady,” he kneels next to me and grabs my face. “You should’ve just fucked Marcus, instead of throwing yourself at me. I don’t do desperate.”
He releases my face and walks away. He thinks Marcus wanted to have intercourse with me. I laugh.
He turns around and storms back to me.
“I will never love you,” he shouts. “You can crawl back to Benson, but don’t think for a minute that we ever had a chance.”
He leaves.
I pull my knees to my chest and cry.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Quinn
I think this is the first year that I wished I wasn’t heightened. I need to be calm and in control, and my emotions are getting in my way. I can’t be around her without being flooded with the full range of emotions. I want to kill her, make love to her, protect her and leave her to die all in the same swirl of desire and hate. I have no idea how to get done what I need to do. Chris said to get her out or kill her. A part of me wants to take her back to that makeshift bed and have my way with her, right before I end her life.
She infuriates me.
I stand at the tunnel entrance. I want to run; I have this overwhelming urge to get as far away, as I can. It’s been years since I’ve felt the need to escape. This feeling is a part of me that I tamed a long time ago, but she is releasing my pain. My hands are on the cold, rusted metal. I wrap my fingers around the bars, but I can’t find the strength to push the door open. I look over my shoulder. The hallway is empty, but I know she is up there hurting because of me. They are all up there, waiting for me.
When I decided to stay in the Federation, Maggie and Ben were supportive but warned me about the downside of complacency. I thrive on rules and devotion to the Federation. I want to be productive, but there is a part of me that wants freedom. It is a small part that plays no active role in my current life.
I know what I should do; if there are any doubts about a citizen, our directives are clear. We must neutralize all threats. I have to get her away from her friends, and I have to take care of the situation. I can’t let Max know about her; he’d kill her immediately. I have to be the one, I need to explain to her, and I need to know everything.
I slump against the wall. I need to get control of that small part of me that is screaming to let her go, to let her live, to give into the increasing heat between us and run far away from the Federation. The thought boils deep within me; I could do it. I could take her beyond the borders and never look back. We could find the settlements beyond the dead zones; the places that people dream about, the safe havens that are rumored to be scattered across the wastelands. After the war, the Federation hand selected citizens that they believed would contribute the most to society.
But they would find us. We are both citizens, and connected to the Federation program. We wouldn’t make it, and then they would kill her. If she’s going to die, I want it to be by my hands, not anyone else’s.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Emma
Maggie hands me the map. Mandy and Grace are off with Ben getting some provisions, and the men are nowhere in sight.
“He’s just worried,” her voice is soft. “He didn’t mean what he said.”
“It doesn’t matter,” I say. “He doesn’t owe me anything.”
“It does matter,” she smiles at me. “There’s not much good left in this part of the world. You’re sheltered from it, but down here and out there…it’s bad.”
“I just want to get me and my friends back home,” I say.
“That’s what he wants too,” she hands me a picture. “Don’t be too hard on him. He has no idea what he’s getting into.”
“What’s this?” I look at it. There’s a boy standing in front of a shuttle.
“It was his first day of school,” she smiles.
“Quinn, is he your son?”
“No, but might as well have been,” she says. “His parents were Defense, and they messed up, made a mistake and they were banished. He was left alone. We took him in when he was ten years old.”
“We were in Defense back then,” she frowns and gives a weak smile,
“Why did you leave?”
“Sometimes, you find out things that change your life and you have to keep secrets, make decisions,” she says, “difficult decisions.”
“I wish I could start over, wake up again this morning,” I smile at her. “I would do everything differently.”
“Everything?” she gives me a w
eak smile.
“Yes,” I say.
“He didn’t use to be like this,” she says. “He was so full of life, so loving and kind.”
“How,” I ask? “How could he be - loving?”
“People aren’t always what they appear to be,” she says. “Sometimes they have to hide, to pretend, in order to fit in…in order to survive.”
I knew more than anyone what it was like to hide your real self. Every day of my life was a lie. Was Quinn like me?
“You know, I was surprised to see you tonight,” she says. “Last time I saw you, you were young and so adorable.”
“You know me?”
“We never met,” she says. “But I knew your parents.”
“Quinn, and I,” I ask? “I remember him.”
“It doesn’t surprise me,” she says. “He was over the moon for you, but they changed him. All Defense officers have their memories wiped. The Quinn you knew is gone, and it’s best not to try and find him.”
“Why?”
“You won’t like what you find,” she says. “Keep the good memories safe.”
“So I’m not crazy,” I smile.
“No, you’re not.”
“What do you think happened to my parents? They didn’t come to my graduation,” I say. “I can’t imagine why. I’m worried; it’s not like them.”
“There’s a lot going on right now,” she says. “Maybe they couldn’t get away. I heard there was an emergency council meeting too.”
I think about how worried my father had been this morning and his words and actions; he hugged me. My mind starts racing; what if something happened. What if he knew and he was trying to tell me, warn me?
The back door opens, and Max and Smith walk in, “We found an old receptor; it’s outdated and not online, but it should be able to scan you.”
“Okay?” I say.
I place my hand on the receptor.
“It won’t be able to fix any significant damage, but it might be able to reset you back to you optimal program.”
“Will it hurt?” I ask. “My scan this morning hurt my hand.”
“It shouldn’t,” Smith says, “that’s unusual. I’m not sure what’s wrong or if this thing works right.”
He sits with me for a few minutes. I’m looking off into space, going over my plan.
“Max,” Smith shouts. “Come in here, and someone find Quinn.”
“Is there something wrong?” Quinn’s says, from the other room.
“Ha, that’s an understatement.”
Max and Quinn walk in and look at the screen.
“How can that be?” Quinn says. He pushes a few buttons on the computer and shakes his head. “How many of these did you find?”
“Two of them; one this morning and then one after the banquet,” Smith says.
“She was turned off and restarted,” he says, “that’s impossible.”
“Memory wiped.”
“What do you remember about today?” Smith asks.
“Waking up, the shuttle, the ceremony, and banquet,” I say. I decide not to tell them about the control room. “It was normal until the heightening. I think I’m having an adverse reaction to it.”
“She’s not telling the truth,” says Quinn. “She thinks she knows me.”
My heart feels like someone drove a rod through it. He gave me up to his friends. I’m as good as banished.
“Let’s check you out,” Smith says to Quinn.
Quinn places his hand on the receptor.
“He has the same resets; the first is at the same time as Emma’s, but the second is two hours before Emma’s second one,” Smith says.
“Can you access their video?” says Max.
“I can try,” Smith says. He works on the computer for a few minutes and then an image pops up on the screen.
I see myself kneeling next to someone, I hear my voice, I’m telling someone that I am sorry, and then I lean over and kiss whoever it is on the forehead. Then someone places a hand on my shoulder, and I turn to look up at them. I hear someone say, “It’s time to go.
“Who was that?” I say, “Who did I kiss?”
“It’s me,” says Quinn.
“I don’t remember,” I say confused. I remember when Adam tried to reset me, but I have no recollection of the images I see on the screen.
“Someone erased your memories,” Smith says.
“Why would they do that?” I’m confused. I was under the impression that re-sets didn’t work on me.
“Is that the only image?” Max asks.
“I should be able to get the last image from his first reset too,” he pushes a few more buttons and another image pops up on the monitor.
It’s me again; I’m next to him. I close my eyes, and I hear him say my name. I don’t have to look at the screen to know what is about to happen. I remember the entire incident.
“Check her images,” Max says.
I wait while Smith looks through my system. Quinn is looking at the monitor. He doesn’t look at me.
“Here we go,” Smith says.
I look at the monitor. I see Quinn, but it’s at a different angle than from his image. My head is resting on his chest. My head jerks forward. I quickly see someone; they are too close for anyone to see who they are, but I know it is Adam. My eyes close and the picture goes dark. But I hear him say, “If you touch him again, I will kill him.”
I realize I’m holding my breath, and I gasp for air.
The next image comes onto the screen. I see a ceiling. It’s white tile, and there is a strange light above me. I must be laid flat. I don’t see anything else. But the audio is clear and purposeful. “I don’t have a lot of time. They already suspect me. If you’re watching this, you already know too much, and it won’t be long before someone comes looking for the information. Emma, you need to get to safety. They know, and they will do anything, anything. I’ve done what I can, but it’s too dangerous. It needs to stay out of the wrong hands, keep it protected, whatever you do, don’t let them gain access.”
“What the Hell?” Max says, looking at me.
“I have no idea what they’re talking about.”
“You two know each other,” says Grace. “You kissed.”
“It’s illegal, except during the Heightening,” says Mandy.
“What, I don’t remember any of it,” I lie. I remember the kiss and all the kisses since then, but I don’t remember the warning.
Quinn walks past me and leaves the room. He doesn’t say anything; he still doesn’t look at me. My chest is heavy, and there’s a knot forming in my throat.
“I don’t understand,” I say. “I don’t have any information. Is someone trying to kill me?”
“It looks that way,” says Max. “Who the Hell are you?”
“I’m nobody,” I say. That’s what Marcus and Quinn both said about me.
“Can you remember anything unusual that might have happened to you?” Smith says, not taking his eyes off the monitor.
I think for a moment; everything about today has been unusual. Marcus’ words keep replaying in my head. Who am I? Then I feel my hand. It hurts from when Quinn pushed me, but I think about the tingling this morning when I scanned on the shuttle.
“My hand,” I say. “When I scanned my itinerary for today; it tingled, it hurt and…”
“What?” Max is standing directly in front of me.
“Nothing,” I say.
“Well this is interesting,” Smith says. “The energy spike with your download this morning is 100 times greater than required.”
“What’s that mean?” I say.
“It means you received a lot more information than needed for a day.” He is busy pushing keys on the computer. I can’t access anything. Your files are coded. Someone doesn’t want anyone to know what’s going on inside of you.”
“I’m lost,” I say. “Why?”
“To Hell if I know,” he says. “Huh…well isn’t that interesting?’
&nb
sp; He looks right at me and smiles, “how long have you been heightened?”
I slump back into my chair.
“What is he talking about?” Grace asks. “You have emotions and you didn’t tell us?”
“I’ve always had them,” I say. “I’ve just gotten real good at hiding them.”
“Does anyone know about this?” Max asks.
“No,” I say, “no one else knows.”
“Banishment,” Mandy says, “that’s the punishment. You are in so much trouble: illegal touching and you’re broken.”
“I’m well aware of the punishment,” I snap. I’ve always known, but it is different to hear someone say it. “I can control them. They’ve never been an issue.”
“What about tonight?” Grace says. “Is that why you’ve been acting crazy? You know, screaming, blacking out and attacking Quinn and everything?”
“She must have had an intense reaction,” Smith says. “God I wish you were into me…I totally wouldn’t have turned you down.”
Max smacks him.
I feel my blood rush through my cheeks. I get up and pace around the room. I need to think. What the Hell is going on? It would be so much easier if Quinn weren't involved; if I wasn’t fighting a broken, confused heart and a messed up life at the same time.
“We don’t have time to figure this out right now,” Max says. “We need to get out of here.”
“Okay, we’ll go with his plan,” I say. Grace shoots me a confused look.
I go back to my bed and curl up. Grace and Mandy follow me.
“Go to bed, pretend to fall asleep,” I say. “We’ll wait until the guys are asleep and then we’re leaving.”
“Without them?” asks Grace.
“Yes,” I say. “I can’t be around him. He makes me crazy, and we need to get back before anyone notices were gone.”
They leave, and I close my eyes. I listen to the sounds in the building. It’s quiet.
But then a noise comes from the other side of my makeshift wall. I hear someone step close to me. They stop beside my bed. They don’t say anything at first. They must be watching to see if I’m asleep.