“Here’s the paper. All the way up top is pens. Sissy says we aren’t old enough for them yet.”
“She’s just looking out for you big man. What’s that door over there?” My curiosity getting the best of me.
His face drops and I instantly regret asking. “It’s mom and dad’s room. We aren’t allowed in there. Sissy went in there once and I didn’t like what happened to her. She keeps it locked now. I went in there once to lay in their bed to be with them. Sissy Shan Shan got mad at me. After that she locked it.”
Kneeling down next to him, “Hey, she’s still hurting. So you going in there, hurts her too. She wasn’t mad at you, just hurting.”
“She cries a lot at night. Last night was really bad. I didn’t mean to spy, but I had a bad dream. Someone called her and she started crying after. I followed her to make sure she was okay, but I couldn’t go in there because she was puking,” he shudders. “It almost made me puke.”
I laughed softly. “I’m the same way buddy. Couldn’t handle it when I was your age. Now, I don’t seem to notice it as much.”
“Is she going to be okay?” He asks softly.
“I hope so. Look at me, I promise I will do what I can to help her and you guys okay?”
He leaves the room and I write out a note for her real quick. I left it sitting on the living room table and the boys and I head out to my car.
“Cool! We get to ride in that?” Sebastian says amazed.
“Yeah, is that okay? I even went and bought seats for you guys. I’ll keep them in my car, so we can do things together more.”
Getting two over excited four year olds into their seats was a lot harder than I thought.
“Buddy, you’ve got to stop kicking your legs. No, Roo. Get in your seat. I’ll be over there in just a second. No, don’t touch that.”
After several minutes of fighting before finally having to stand up and take a breath.
“Okay. If you two can’t sit in your seats and let me get you buckled in then we won’t go. I can’t take you anywhere without you being buckled in.”
That got their attention and soon I had them both buckled and we were off. The drive to the park was a little longer than it needed to be, but the boys were really enjoying being in a convertible. Seeing their little arms going up it the air, hearing their giggles, filled me with so much joy that I found myself laughing.
When we pulled up to the park, the boys started bouncing in the backseat. I had to laugh again. Turning around, I got ready to tell them the rules.
“We stay where you can see us, don’t talk to strangers, don’t hit or hurt anyone, talk to you every so often so you know we are okay, and stick with each other because we’re stronger as two.” They say in unison.
“Uh, wow, yeah. That pretty much covers it. Aside from, do you want ice cream now or later?”
“Now! Now! Now!” They bounce excitedly.
Laughing, “Okay, now it is.”
They take my hand the minute they are both out of my car. I smiled down at them.
“Sissy tells us we have to be very careful because we are all she has left that makes her happy. We try to be very good when we go out.”
“Well, I think she’s done an excellent job with you guys. She loves you guys a lot.”
We stop only a few feet from the ice cream cart, when Atreyu pulls my hand. Kneeling down, I ask him what’s wrong.
“We can’t walk all the way up there.”
“Why not?”
He tips his head to Sebastian, who I can see was starting to panic. Quickly, I cupped his face in my hands. In a cool, calm voice, I spoke.
“Captain, look at me. Look in my eyes.” When his eyes finally met mine. “It can get scary when you go around new people, but when you aren’t alone it isn’t as scary. How about if I carry you? If we can’t get up to the truck, we can’t get ice cream.”
“C-carry me.”
It was all he said. So, I lifted him in my arms. Atreyu took my other hand and we walked over to the truck. As we stood in line, I could feel the eyes on us. More on Sebastian than anything, but I could feel them. It was no wonder the poor kid was scared of new people when all of them gawked at him the way they were right now.
We got up to the front and I read the list of ice creams off to them. They picked their flavors and we walked over to a bench away from everyone. Once I set Sebastian down, I looked him in the eye and told him how proud of him I was. His smile was huge and he breathed out a sigh of relief it seemed.
Looking out over the park, I hadn’t thought about his fear of people when I decided to stop here. This was the busiest park in town. I hoped that I could be enough for him that he wouldn’t notice all the people around.
“Jack?”
“Yeah buddy?”
“Do you like us?”
Turning shocked, “Of course I do Roo. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.”
“Not cause of sissy?”
“Of course not. My brother Jake feels the same way. You guys are awesome kids. We like being around you. Now don’t get me wrong, I like your sister. I think of her as a friend just like I think of you two.”
Yeah friend my ass. Considering just last night she starred in one hell of a fantasy. That had me waking up with one hell of a hard on. It has been four years since I have ever thought of anyone that way. It wasn’t about to continue either. That’s what I’m telling myself anyway.
Needing a subject change, I stood up and looked at both of them. “You guys ready to play at the park?”
“YEAH!” They squeal.
We head over to the park. When we arrived, I was grateful to find it empty. We ran up and down slides, swung on the swings, played pirates, I even helped them climb across the monkey bars. They were having a blast. Honestly, even I was. I haven’t played in a park since I was a kid, but even then I don’t remember having this much fun. Sebastian was so detailed on our pirate game, it floored me. Atreyu was so animated that I was laughing so hard so often that I found it hard to catch my breath.
“Okay guys. I think we need to head back to the house. One last game though. You want to play?”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah!”
“Okay, we are going to race back to the car. We’re going to pretend we are being chased by other pirates. They want to take our treasure. We have to get to the car before they catch us in order to keep our treasure. Ready?”
When they nodded, I yelled go. They ran just in front of me. Their laughter filling the air as we ran toward the parking lot. My car was in sight when Sebastian turned his head to look at me, causing him to trip and fall. Rushing over to him, I scooped him up in my arms, carried him over and set him on the hood of my car.
“Are you okay buddy? Let me see.”
He was crying pretty hard. Sebastian’s knee was scraped up pretty good and so was one of his hands.
“It hurts, Jack.” He cries.
“I know buddy. We’ll get you back to the house and I’ll get it all cleaned up. Remember, I’m a doctor.”
He nods his head. Buckling them both into their seats, we were on our way. No scenic route this time. Sebastian continued to cry in the backseat. I knew it was merely scraped, but just him being in pain broke me. Once we pulled into the drive, Sebastian had stopped crying.
“Okay, buddy, let’s get you inside and have a look shall we?”
Carrying him inside, Atreyu was right next to me. Just looking in his face you could see he was worried for his brother. Remembering the drawer that Sebastian had pulled the dish rag from yesterday, I reached down and grabbed another one. Wetting it, I dabbed it across his knee and hand.
“I think you are just fine. You just scraped it up is all.”
“Have you done that before?” Atreyu asked.
“Sure have. I had so many scrapes that I stopped noticing when I did it.”
“Wow,” they say awed.
“Okay,” I set Sebastian on the floor. “Who wants to play a game?”
�
��I do. I do. I do.”
“Okay, go get the game set up. I’m going to check on your sister and will be right in there.”
They ran off, arguing about what game we were going to play. Shaking my head, laughing, I head down the hall to Shannon’s room. Flinching slightly at the creak on her door as I opened, I peeked in through the crack and I saw her still fast asleep. Unable to resist it, I walked into her room. Standing next to her bed, I couldn’t help but notice how beautiful she was. As if I hadn’t noticed before, but I was letting myself commit it to memory this time.
Her hair was slung over in front of her face, one arm stretched out to the other side of the bed, the other bent under her head. She takes a deep breath, then sighs. A small smile slowly spreads across my face. Reaching out, I brushed her hair out of the way. Gently, I ran my finger down the side of her face.
Squatting down next to her and kissing her lightly on her forehead, I whispered. “If only things were different. I think I could fall in love with you.”
I really wanted to kiss her lips, but it was pushing it with how I’ve acted toward her so far. I need to get out of this room and my mind off her. My decision made four years ago was still in play. No matter how much everything was telling me different about Shannon, I wouldn’t go through that again. Never again.
One last longing look at the beautiful woman sleeping in her bed. My heart pounded against my chest. Forcing myself to look away from her, I walked out of the room, closing the door and headed into the playroom with the boys.
“What game are we playing?” I asked when I walked into the playroom.
Chapter Eight
Shannon
Running down to the lake, I kept checking behind me to see if he was following. Laughing hard, when I saw him stumble out of the house looking around to find me. When his head turns in my direction, I knew there was a smirk on his face. Whipping around, I run faster. I had just reached the beach by the lake when arms came around my waist and spun me around in a circle.
The lake was always beautiful this time of year, but never as beautiful as it is right now with him, holding me like this. Feeling the warmth that came from his embrace, his laughter, his love. This was the happiness I sought for so long before him. Finally, I have my own happiness.
Laughing as he spun me around, kicking my feet out. Finally, he sets me on the ground, but doesn’t let me go. Pressing kisses to my hair, he whispers in my ear.
“Do you think you can run away from me?”
“I’d never run away from you.” I breathe.
“Good, because it’d kill me if you ran.”
He buries his face in my neck, slowly running kisses along my shoulder and up my neck. Sighing, I lean back into his embrace. Then suddenly his arms, let me go. My surroundings change. The lake front cabin was no longer in view. I was standing in the fog. I could hear the wind whipping around me.
“If only things were different. I could fall in love with you.” A voice says sadly.
Turning in circles, I try to locate where the voice was coming from. The fog grew thicker and heavier. I couldn’t see anything but the grayish haze in front of my face. My breathing sped up as panic started to take hold. Where were the boys?
“Hello? Is anyone out there?”
The voice repeats. “If only things were different. I could fall in love with you.”
The air changes and the hair on my arms stands on end. A loud crack of thunder fills the empty space, causing me to jump. Rain starts to fall, lightning flashes across the sky. Looking up, the sky lit up again with another flash of lightning only this time a face appeared in the sky. It was Jack. His face was sad, he almost looked pained. His eyes shift in my direction.
“If only things were different. I could fall in love with you,” he said again. His voice sounded so sad, it brought tears to my eyes.
“Jack! Jack. What’s wrong?”
I move toward the image in the sky. Lightning flashes brighter, my tears mix with the rain hitting my face. It hurt to see a look so broken on Jackson’s face. His smile brightens a room and the boys love him.
The boys, where are the boys?
The voice repeats again. He looks so sad, so depressed. What is wrong with him?
“Jackson! I can’t help you if you aren’t here.” I scream to be heard over the storm.
Suddenly everything stops. The rain, lightning, the voice and his image all disappear. Everything is black. I can hear noises, sounds way off in the distance. Was it animals? Fear of the unknown kicked in hardcore. My heart was racing as I desperately sought some light to break up the darkness.
Taking a few steps, I ran into something. Reaching out, feeling around, but there was nothing there. I took another step and still ran into something. Reaching through the darkness to feel what I’m hitting and came up empty. What the hell was going on?
Snap!
I spun around to see what the sound was. Something hits me on the side of the head and I fall to my knees. Cradling my head in my hand, I looked around to figure out what it was. There was nothing there. Nothing but pure darkness.
“Who… Who’s out there?”
A whistling filled my ears. It floated through the air and hit me in the face with almost a physical blow. I knew that whistle. It wasn’t the wind. This tune was a sound I heard all the time while I was growing up.
“Take me out to the ball game,” I began singing with the whistle before it stopped abruptly.
My heart hung heavy with sadness. It was the song my dad always whistled when he was getting ready to watch a game on the television. We always sat down watching some kind of game. He said it was my reminder that we had a game date.
“Why did you have to leave me?” I cried into the dark.
“Because you killed us,” said a voice in the dark.
A scream filled the darkness. When the sound finally hits my eardrums, I realized the terrified scream was coming from me.
“You killed us. It’s all your fault.” Yelled the voices over my scream.
I screamed louder when I felt something touch me. Looking around me there was nothing there. My heart was breaking, my body shaking, I just wanted to get out of here.
“Please,” I sobbed. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t breathe anymore.”
“You killed us! You took us away!” They screamed.
A flash of lightening filled the darkness and an image of my parents, cut up and bleeding, filled the darkness. Another scream tore from my throat. Shaking my head, I closed my eyes tighter, trying so hard to shut out the image that was now burned into my head. Something touched my arm again. Another scream ripped from my throat, leaving my throat scratchy in its wake.
“Shannon!” Jack screamed as I jerked awake.
Looking at the concerned look on Jack’s face broke me. I started crying. “I didn’t mean to. I didn’t mean for them to die. I just wanted a life too.” I sobbed.
Jack pulled me into his chest, holding me tightly against him. “It’s okay. Calm down. It was just a dream. Calm down.”
His voice was calm and quiet, but I could feel his heart racing against my cheek. My hands fisted in his shirt as I continued to cry. The effects of the dream still holding me, not wanting to let me go. Slowly, I began to calm down.
“I’m sorry Jack. It’s just been stressful and I’m not sleeping much,” I shook my head as I stood from the floor. Looking at him questioningly, “How’d I get on the floor?” Then I caught sight of his shirt.
Looking at my hand, I saw blood on it. “Shit, I’m sorry. I ruined your shirt.”
He looked down at his shirt then back at me. “Damn it!” he hissed. “I’ll be right back, I have a bag in my car.”
Just like that, Jackson ran from the room. Walking out of the room and into the kitchen, I turned on the light as I searched for a glass. When I turned around, I saw Jackson running past.
“Jackson, I’m in the kitchen.” When he hurried into the kitchen, I began to apologize. “I�
��m sorry for ruining your shirt Jackson. I’ll find a way to buy you a new one. Hell, who am I kidding, I can’t afford that. Maybe I could work it off at your office?”
“I don’t give a damn about the shirt, Shannon.” He growled cupping my face. “You are hurt. That’s what I’m upset about.”
I squealed when he lifted me up and placed me on the counter edge. Pulling a chair over, he set his bag on the seat and began searching through it. Pulling out some kind of wipe looking thing, he turns my head slightly checking the cut. As he wiped the cut, I sucked a breath in through my teeth at the sting of something touching it.
“You need stitches. I’ll numb the area first so you won’t feel me do it, if you want.”
“Yes, please.”
Several minutes later, he’s finishing up the stitches. “All done.” He looks at me.
Our close proximity to each other was evident and there was a strong pull. His eyes bounce between my lips and my eyes. My eyes did the same. For the first time in a year, I wanted to be close to someone. Slowly we start leaning in, our lips brush against each other.
“Sissy Shan! Sissy Shan!” Came a scream from the boys’ room.
“Damn, another night terror.”
Jumping off the sink, I ran for the boys’ room. It was then it dawned on me that the boys were asleep. Shaking my head, another moment. Hurrying into the room and over to Sebastian’s bed.
“Shhh, buddy, I’m right here.”
“Sissy Shan!” He screamed again, his eyes still closed.
Reaching out a hand, I tenderly touched his face and he jerked awake. Terror filled eyes found mine. Tears filled his little eyes and coursed down his tiny cheek.
“It’s okay buddy. I’m right here.”
He grabbed hold of me and cried. In all the times he’s woken like this, he’s never shared what it is that he’s dreaming about. Honestly, I’m afraid to ask. If his dreams were anything like mine have been lately, then I just don’t want to know. I’m not sure I could handle it right now.
Before long he was back to sleep and I made my way out to Jackson sitting in the living room. His hands were shaking and his face looked pale. Without hesitation, I hurried to kneel in front of him.
Tough Love (Hidden Secrets) Page 6