“You’re right,” she said, as she nodded. “Maybe you’re not the right girl for him then. I don’t know if there will ever be a right girl for my brother.” Her legs crossed as she tapped her chin, thinking about something. “August has seen so much. Been through so much. Maybe he’s broken beyond repair and will just have to deal with living his life alone.”
Listening to her talk about him that way made my heart pound. “I don’t believe he’s broken beyond repair. I never said that. The fact is he’s making progress. He didn’t hurt me last night. I was able to douse him with water, and he came around very easily. I handled the situation just fine, but then he went and took me to a different room anyway. He wouldn’t listen to a thing I said.”
“Not my brother,” she said with a smile. “Are you calling him strong-willed, tenacious, stubborn—a man who thinks he and he alone knows what’s best?”
She knew the man alright. “So, what am I to do about that? Tell me, please. I want to know.”
“This is just a road block, Tawny. Sure, maybe things aren’t working out as perfectly as you’d hoped, but this might be the way it has to be—for now anyway. Don’t let one small deviation from your dream stop you from experiencing this thing you and he have together.” She got up, coming to me, then her arms were around me, hugging me. “I know it’s hard. Life is hard. It’s hard for August, you, me, my husband—everyone in some way or another. Don’t let frustration end what you two have. Learn to accept the things that come along with loving a man who has some problems.”
“I just feel like this has already hurt me so much—how will I feel after years of this? It’s like I lose a little piece of my heart every time he shuts me out,” I admitted. “Eventually there will be nothing left.”
“You feel that way because you love him. Leaving him will only make that loss and hurt so much bigger. For both of you.” Leila let me go and walked away from me, leaving me alone in the room.
Leaning against the wall near the window, I eased my body down until I was sitting on the hardwood floor. My head still ached, my stomach had an enormous knot in it, and my heart pounded.
I’d never felt so terrible in my entire life. But I knew what I had to do.
Chapter Twenty-eight
August
Taking a break to eat some lunch, I found Natasha sitting at our table alone. No one else from our ragtag group had come into the cafeteria yet. Her eyes were red from crying. “So, have you had a rough morning with therapy?”
Her blue eyes glistened with unshed tears. “He left me, August. I went home last night, and my husband and our kids were gone. He left me a note, saying he couldn’t handle this anymore.” She burst into tears, and I quickly got up to go hug her.
“Natasha, everything’s going to be okay. If he really left you, he’s not worth your tears anyway,” I tried to comfort her.
“What about my kids?” she wailed.
Feeling sorry for her and knowing the cafeteria was no place for her to be breaking down like this, I helped her up and took her to my doctor’s quarters, vacant during the lunch hour. At least she could break down in private.
“The kids can be sorted out. I’m sure you can get custody of them. Are you okay, financially speaking?” I asked her.
“No,” she cried. “I don’t have anything coming in since I left the marines. He’s been bringing in all the money since then. And when I went to swipe my card at the ATM, I found out my card had been canceled. He’s left me without a damn thing, the fucking bastard!”
I had no idea why a person would do such a thing. But then again, I knew bad shit happened all the time.
“I’m sure things will work out,” I tried to calm her down. “I’ll hire a divorce lawyer for you. He’ll get things straightened out before you know it. It’s not legal what he’s doing to you, and we can stop some of it from happening.”
She threw her arms around my neck “August, thank you, thank you so much. How can I ever repay you?”
“Just by getting better, Natasha. Now come on, buck up and believe that everything will work out the way it should. I’ll go grab my cell from the receptionist and call my lawyer to get his recommendation for a good divorce lawyer. With any luck, you can meet with one right after today’s session. I’ll do my best to set that up for you.” I let her go and headed for the door. “You stay here as long as you need to. But just know that very soon things will be as right for you as they can be.”
“You’re my hero, August Harlow,” her words stopped me. Tawny had told me those same words.
Shaking my head, I looked at her. “I’m just a guy with enough money to help out, that’s all.”
Natasha shook her head. “You’re far more than just that. Your fiancé is lucky to have you.”
I left Natasha then, feeling a bit odd about that last exchange. After I’d made the call and had good news to tell her, I went back to my doctor’s quarters, finding Natasha still there, talking to my doctor.
She looked at me as I came in and rushed to hug me. “There he is, my hero!”
“Oh, come on now, I told you I’m just a guy with money, Natasha. I’m no hero.” I gently pushed her to let me go, and she did so. Handing her the piece of paper I’d scribbled the name and address on, I continued, “Here you go. Meet the lawyer at her office at this address. She’ll be waiting for you. I told her you’re busy until five, and she understood. I’ve already taken care of the payment, and she said she could have things straightened out tomorrow. You have nothing to worry about. You’re in very capable hands now, Natasha.”
“Thank you, August.” Her fingers trailed over my hand as she took the paper. “And I know this might sound kind of bad, but I’m going to say it anyway. If you and your fiancé don’t work out, give me a call. I think we could make each other very happy.”
And there it was. I’d thought something felt a bit off between us, but it could be just the shock of it all for her.
I didn’t want to crush her spirit either way. Giving her chin a playful tap with my fist, I said, “You just get things straightened out, slugger. Things will get better, you’ll see.”
With a smile, she left the room, and my doctor looked at me. “I think now would be an excellent time for you to talk about your feelings for your fiancé. How are things going in that department, August?”
“I had to put her in another room last night.” I took a seat on the sofa and crossed my leg, resting my hand on my ankle. “I did it again, had some dream, did something to her that might’ve hurt her. She woke me up by splashing me with water. I don’t know how I’m going to handle this thing.”
“And how did she react when you asked her to go to another room, August?” he asked me with a knowing grin.
“Not well. And I didn’t ask her, I took her there and locked her door, so I couldn’t get to her. Then I locked my own door, so she couldn’t get to me, either. I was afraid she’d try to come back to my bed. And I’m also afraid that this is putting a strain on our relationship.” I caught some movement out of the corner of my eye and turned my head to see that Natasha had slipped back in.
She looked at me with those blue eyes, a smile on her face. “Um, I didn’t mean to interrupt, but I needed to ask one more teeny little favor from you, August.”
I excused myself from the doctor’s room and joined her in the hallway for some privacy. “What’s that?” I pushed my hand through my hair, worrying that she might ask me something to get me alone. And now that she’d overheard what I’d said, I knew she’d seen an opportunity to get her claws into me. Being a wealthy man, having a woman use unconventional methods to catch my attention was nothing new to me.
“I need a ride to the lawyer’s office. I don’t have much gas in my car and, if you’ll recall, I don’t have access to any money.” She looked down with a shameful expression.
Getting up, I reached into my pocket. All I had were three hundreds, and I pulled one out and handed it to her. “Here you go.”
/> “Oh, no. I don’t want your money.” She looked up at me. “You’ve already given me so much, paying for the lawyer and all. Just a ride would be fine.”
She might have been being honest, but I wasn’t going to risk falling into any kind of scheme that aimed for my seduction. I’m sure she thought it would be a great way to get back at her ass of a husband. I couldn’t blame her for what she wanted, but I wasn’t about to mess up what I had waiting for me at home. “Natasha, I’m very much in love with my fiancé. Now take the money, and do us both a favor and stop whatever train of thought you might be on, okay? I’d like to stay on good terms with you.”
A blush turned her cheeks beet red, and she nodded then left the room. I turned back into the room and saw my doctor smiling at me—clearly my attempt at privacy hadn’t worked. “You handled that very well, August. So now we have the matter of figuring out how you’re going to handle your nightmares and your fiancé.”
That was a hell of a lot harder than what I’d just done. Taking a seat, I went back to what we’d been talking about. “I’m sure you’ve seen this before, Doc. What do people do when this sort of thing happens?”
“I’d like to be perfectly frank with you, August. Can you handle that?” He pulled his glasses off and looked at me with a serious expression.
Something told me that I wouldn’t much like what he had to say at all.
Chapter Twenty-nine
Tawny
Calum and I got home a little before August. My heart ached, but I’d resolved myself to the fact that August and I would never be able to have a normal life together. But then again, nothing had ever been normal for us.
At only eighteen, I’d found the strength to have a baby all on my own. One fiery night of passion had filled my heart with something I’d never felt before. At the time, I had no idea that it was actually love for August.
In the days that followed his leaving me, I’ve felt numb at times and full of pain at other times. August and I had never had a relationship at that point; we had hardly spent any time together. So, why did I miss him so damn much?
Back then, I’d talked to my best friend, Beth, about how I felt, and she’d had no idea what to say to me. Beth and I weren’t alike at all—we were night and day really. She’d lost her virginity at the tender age of fifteen. In the following years, she’d had at least six different boyfriends. Attachments like love didn’t come easy to her, so she didn’t understand why I was crying over some guy I’d had sex with for only one night.
Somehow, with that one night, August had become a part of me. And a few months later, I realized I’d missed my period. Most girls that age would’ve panicked. I wasn’t panicked at all. Once I thought it might be possible, I’d actually hoped that I would be pregnant.
Crazy, I know.
I’d asked Beth to pick up a pregnancy test and bring it over. With that test, I’d found out that I was going to have a baby. August Harlow’s child.
At that time, his parents still lived next door; they hadn’t moved away yet. I could’ve gone over and told them the news. They would’ve told August, and things would’ve been so different.
I didn’t want to do that though. I didn’t want to get in the man’s way—he’d told be from the beginning it was a one-time thing, no matter the fanciful promises we made to each other. And I was happy to have a part of him that I would have forever. Our son.
Back then, I decided to take on all the responsibility, and as hard as it was, I thoroughly enjoyed every moment with Calum in my life. And when I saw how much he resembled August as he grew, it only served to make me even happier.
Though falling in love with someone overnight hardly made any sense at all, my love for August gave me strength.
Could I find that strength again?
August and I were engaged. Marriage meant sacrificing things for the sake of your spouse. Could I sacrifice sleeping with my husband so that we could have a marriage and a family?
The idea that I was short-changing myself still lingered in the back of my mind.
I knew I’d short-changed myself by keeping my pregnancy a secret from him, too. I’d lost the chance to have support throughout my pregnancy. I’d lost the chance to have help taking care of my child. But I knew I’d short-changed August and Calum with my decision as well.
My parents were great and helpful, but they couldn’t replace the father that had been missing since day one. Things had been tough for me, especially once I’d started college. I was still pregnant when I began the nursing program. We had to do clinicals at one of the local nursing homes, and there were times I’d have to rush out of the patient’s rooms to deal with my pregnancy-induced nausea.
My mother told me it was from the stress of having a child without any idea of how to get in contact with the father. I’d lied to my parents about who the father was, and that lie had me dancing around at times.
The truth was, I hadn’t felt stressed out about having the baby. But worry had consumed me at times about August and his safety. I’d actually had nightmares about what August was going through. I hated the fact that he was in danger.
As time went on, and our son was born, that worry over August—his whereabouts, whether he was okay or even still breathing—became less and less intense. Not that I didn’t care, but I just grew to accept the fact that marines live hard lives, and that was the life he’d chosen.
Now I was faced once again with having to accept a lot of new things all at once. Like the fact that I might not get to actually sleep with him for some time, or maybe never.
Again, I asked, am I short-changing myself?
The answer was that I probably was. The same way I’d done before.
Calum’s voice shook me from my internal struggle. “Momma, when’s Dad coming home?”
I checked my cell to see what time it was. “Should be about a half hour or so,” I answered. And as I held the phone in my hand, a call rang in from August. With a swipe, I answered the call. “Hello! Were your ears ringing? Calum and I were just talking about you.”
He chuckled. “No, they weren’t ringing. I’m calling to let you know I’m going to be a little late. Some problems with the nightclub have come up. I’ve got to go over there and meet with my partners for a little while. Tell Calum I miss him and let him stay up so I can see him, will you?”
“How late are you going to be?” I asked him with a sigh, knowing this would be disappointing news to Calum.
“I really have no idea, baby. I doubt it’ll be later than nine.”
Calum’s bedtime was eight, and he had school the next day. Keeping him up past his bedtime wasn’t something I was keen on doing. “I guess I can keep him up a little past his bedtime. But can’t you let them know you have a little boy who hasn’t seen you in a couple of weeks and misses you pretty badly?”
“I will definitely do that. I’ll do my best to get out of there as fast as I can, baby. See you in a bit. Love you. Bye now.” With that, he ended the call.
Calum was staring at me when I put the phone back in my pocket. “Well?”
“Well, Dad’s got a meeting to get to. He’ll be a little late.” I tried not to get upset about the disappointed expression on Calum’s face.
“Okay,” he whimpered then climbed onto the sofa, laying down and burying his face in one of the pillows.
I sat next to him, rubbing his back. “It’s okay, you’ll see him later. He said I should let you stay up until he gets home—even if he’s really late. He’ll definitely be reading you a bedtime story tonight. Even if I have to go down to that nightclub of his and drag him home.”
“Promise?” Calum asked, as he moved his head to look at me.
“I promise.” Pushing his hair out of his face, I kissed his cheek. “Now, come on, let’s get some dinner.”
The fairy tale I’d made up in my head about how life would be with August was coming to an end. I’d never been in a relationship—perhaps I should’ve dated at least a little to
find out what relationships really were like.
Things were hitting me harder than I ever thought they would. And I knew I was being unrealistic about how things should be going for us. Even with August having PTSD, I hadn’t really thought it would be like this.
I’d lied to myself, it seemed. But I had Calum to think about. What would be best for him had always been my number one priority. Having a father was what was best for our son. I’d just have to learn to deal with the reality of what being with August Harlow meant.
Tara smiled at us as we entered the kitchen. “Good evening, you two. I’ve got some appetizers on the bar over there, and dinner will be served at seven, as usual.”
“Perfect.” I went over to the tray of appetizers, finding some fresh veggies alongside a creamy white dip. “Yum. Come on, Calum, dig in.”
Tara was busily preparing the meal, and everything smelled awesome as we sat in the kitchen and waited. But as busy as she was, it didn’t stop her from filling me in on how the Thanksgiving plan was coming along. “The smoked turkey and ham I ordered came in this afternoon. And I made it to the farmer’s market to pick up the organic vegetables and herbs for the day after tomorrow.”
Calum perked up then as he realized something. “Hey, I only gotta go to school tomorrow, then I’m off for four whole days! And I get out early tomorrow.”
“Yep.” I ran my hand over his little head. “And you’ll have lots of fun with your cousins, and Gramma and Grandpa will be here, too. Not to mention that you’ll get to meet your father’s parents, too—you’re going to have another Gramma and Grandpa. It’ll be so much fun.”
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