Her words caused many sets of eyes to shift toward my hand. Before I could think of anything to say, August came to my side. Always the hero. “We might as well get this out in the open. Tawny and I won’t be getting married. She will continue to live here for as long as Calum does, though. We’ll continue to raise our son together. We’ve agreed to do what’s best for him, and we do have love in our hearts for one another. We’ll never hurt each other, and Calum will always be put first.”
My jaw clenched, and I couldn’t say a word. My brain screamed at me that this was all my fault. If I had tried to work around the problem, then we’d still be in love and getting married. Instead, we were surrounded by pitying eyes as our families learned our sad state of affairs.
Leila sighed heavily and leaned against her husband, who ran his arm around her, holding her close. Those two barely lived together with his work schedule, and yet they’d had half a dozen kids and found a way to make it all work.
Why couldn’t I figure out how to make it work no matter what the obstacles were? I wasn’t a dumb person. So why had I resolved myself to this?
Christmas Day was long and hard and full of awkward conversations. August’s mother had slipped up and mentioned finding the perfect little mother-of-the groom dress at some shop in Napa Valley. Her eyes had gone wide as she remembered that she wouldn’t need it anymore. Then her eyes went to August, who sat near Calum, before traveling to me, pity and sadness filling them once more as she apologized for saying that.
August and I stood side by side that night, saying goodbye to everyone as they left the foyer to head to their homes. Then the three of us turned around to head upstairs: me to bathe Calum, August to read to him afterward.
Was this how life would be from now on? And if so, just how long could I take it?
If I was unhappy before, I’d become completely miserable.
Calum’s smile had faded as we made our way up the stairs. “So, you guys really aren’t gettin’ married now?”
I’d mentioned something to Calum earlier in the day, before anyone had arrived, and he hadn’t had much of a reaction—I guess it was because he didn’t think it was real. This was the first time he mentioned it since. August and I exchanged looks. “Nah, not right now,” August said lightly, like it wasn’t a big deal at all. “But that’s not going to change a thing, don’t you worry, buddy.”
“Do you think you might get married someday and then we could be a real family?” he asked as we reached the top of the stairs, and he stopped to turn back to look at us. “And what about the brothers and sisters you said you wanted me to have? What about them? What about all the plans?” Calum burst into tears, great heaving sobs that tore at my heart. I wished I could fix everything for him.
But there wouldn’t be any fixing it. So, I stood there, frozen on the staircase as August, the hero, scooped our son up., “Things are going to be fine, Calum,” he murmured softly. “Momma and Daddy will always love you, and we’ll always be a family—just in a different way. You don’t have to cry.”
The two of them continued on to Calum’s room, leaving me alone. My legs felt weak, and I sat on the top step, putting my face in my hands. It wasn’t just my life that was falling apart before my eyes—it was my son’s, too. Maybe not as badly as some people’s do, but for us, it was bad. And then there was August, strong as hell on the outside, but ripped to shreds on the inside.
August must’ve seen the state I was in, because he called back to me. “I’ve got him, Tawny. I’ll give him his bath and put him to bed. ’Night.”
Instead of heading to my room, I went back downstairs. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep. All I could do was berate myself internally for screwing everything up.
I headed out to the garage, where I got into a random car and drove off, not wanting to see the mansion August let me live in, not wanting to be around the two people I loved more than anything. I’d failed them both immeasurably.
August had always been my hero, but I couldn’t bring myself to be one to him or our son.
Selfish bitch!
That’s all I kept saying to myself as I just kept driving. I didn’t realize where I was heading until I’d arrived at August’s nightclub, Swank. Opening night was only a week away.
Parking the car across the street, I looked at what they’d built. The building was a masterpiece even though it hadn’t been lit up yet. I wondered if August still wanted me to be his date for the grand opening.
And if he did, would I go?
People usually kissed their dates as the clock struck midnight on New Year’s Eve. I couldn’t allow that to happen. One kiss from him now would tear me apart.
I decided to tell him to find another date. I couldn’t expect him to take me when we weren’t even dating anymore.
And how would I react to seeing another woman on his arm?
The thought made me sick to my stomach.
What a selfish bitch!
It was bad enough that I’d turned cold on him, but now I didn’t want him to have anyone else in his life?
Heartless!
That’s exactly what I was.
I’d probably never see the inside of the expensive, over-the-top club. But I bet that I’d see plenty of pictures of the man I loved inside it—probably pictures with pretty women all over him.
Even though I knew exactly who to blame for how things had fallen apart, I still had to ask myself how the hell it had all happened.
Pounding the steering wheel, I shouted and cried, screaming at myself the whole time. And once I’d gotten it all out, once I’d run out of air, I headed back home.
Back to the place I knew I had to stay until Calum was out of school. Now that we’d been living this way, the three of us together, it wouldn’t be fair to take that away from him anytime soon.
Back up the stairs I trudged. Walking down the long hallway, I looked straight ahead at August’s closed bedroom door. My feet carried me right to it.
I stopped just in front of it. Little sounds inside the room told me he was there, just on the other side of the door. Maybe naked, having just come from the shower. A pulse thumped deep inside of me. Wetness filled my core.
Would it be enough to let him fuck me and then leave him to go back to my room?
My body wanted to feel his, and that craving was louder than the voice in my head telling me how wrong it was for me to even ask that of him.
I gripped the doorknob in my shaking hand. But when I went to turn it, I found it locked. My jaw clenched in frustration. And then the anger set in. He’d locked me out—that’s exactly why I’d shut down my feelings for him in the first place.
But those feelings were still there; I’d just buried them under fear, anger, frustration, and most of all—out of weakness. Where had that strong woman I’d been when I was just a kid of eighteen gone?
Chapter Thirty-two
August
I wasn’t playing mind games with Tawny, exactly, but I was letting her see what life would be like if she couldn’t come around and realistically deal with things.
She wouldn’t let me touch her, made sure she was never alone with me, and had even stopped talking to me like she used to. I watched as she let her heart freeze over as she tried to force what she truly felt for me into a place where it couldn’t get out.
Tawny wasn’t Tawny anymore, and I knew it would take something drastic to bring her back. I hated that Calum was being hurt by this, but sometimes it takes a bit of hurt to start the healing process. Like it or not, Calum was a part of us, and when we hurt, he hur,t too. That’s just life in a family.
It took all I had to walk away from Tawny as she sat at the top of the stairs. But she had to be alone. She had to know what it would be like if she kept building the fortress around her heart. Tawny was hurting us all, not just me or herself, each and every one of us. Something had to give.
Sitting on the edge of my bed, I was just about to turn off the lamp and lay back when I heard th
e soft rattle of my doorknob. It had to be Tawny.
I didn’t have anything on, and I didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable, so I pulled on a pair of pajama bottoms before going to the door. When I pulled it open, no one was there.
Taking a couple of steps to the door to her room, I found it was locked, so I went back to bed. Maybe I’d been wrong. Maybe it was wishful thinking on my part that Tawny was there, trying to come into my room.
Laying down, I looked up at the ceiling, my hands behind my head. Maybe it was still a little too soon. But a month had passed without her allowing me to so much as touch her. I felt the timing was right.
I had to admit I didn’t think she’d give me the ring back. That wasn’t my plan at all. But when I’d said things weren’t working out, she’d shucked that ring quicker than anything I’d ever seen. The sight of that ring, sitting on the table, had made my heart stop.
When I’d picked it up, it took everything inside of me not to yell at her to just stop this shit already. I’d fisted it in my hand, hating like hell everything that was happening.
I also had no idea anyone would notice the missing ring or ask anything about it if they did. Even as I’d explained things to our families, I half expected Tawny to come around and say something to me.
She hadn’t. She’d stayed quiet. But I knew she wasn’t happy at all. As a matter of fact, I’d seen her growing sadder and sadder as the day went on. And when our son had started crying, she’d broken down, too. But she hadn’t broken down hard enough, I guess.
What would it take to make her see that she was throwing us away, our whole family?
Calum had put it out there, asking about the brothers and sisters, asking about becoming a real family. I thought that might get to her. It sure as fuck got to me. I guess it hadn’t, though.
As I lay there, thinking about everything, I wondered if I’d been wrong, too.
I could’ve let her stay in my bed, or tried to find some other solution before kicking her out right away. I hadn’t budged a bit on that. Was I to blame, too?
Fuck, you’re an asshole!
My brain turned on me. I’d been looking at Tawny for an entire month, blaming her, wanting her to see the role she’d played in creating this rift between us that grew a little more with each passing day.
My cell dinged, and I looked over at it as it lay on the nightstand next to me. There was a message, and I saw it was from Tawny.
You should find another date for Swank’s opening night, it said.
That was it.
Putting the phone down, I turned over on my side. Had I really fucked things up so badly that she wasn’t going to go with me to the opening night of the club I’d work so hard to build?
The truth was that I hadn’t thought about that at all.
The truth was that nothing had gone the way I had thought it would.
Everything I’d hoped that conversation would accomplish had backfired on me. My intentions were to get a conversation going that would eventually lead us to a place where we could get back to what we had. But it had only served to break us completely.
I had no idea how to fix things. The only thing that did come to mind was that Tawny didn’t mind seeing me with another woman. And that pissed me off.
Would she really go so far as to try to send me into another woman’s arms? Because to me, that meant she didn’t give a shit about me. And that pissed me off to no end.
That girl had loved me; I knew that without a doubt. It was her own stubbornness that had gotten in the way of that. But if she was serious about me taking another woman to the grand opening, then something had to have changed in her heart when she’d deliberately frozen it.
Picking up my cell, I typed in a response.
Won’t be taking anyone. I hit send.
I hoped that would sink into her tenacious head, and soon she’d realize how much it would hurt her to see me with someone else. Hell, it would hurt me to take out another woman—it would have to hurt her, right?
Tossing and turning, I couldn’t get comfortable. She had me irate, and all I could think about was what the hell had gotten into her head to say a thing like that to me?
She’d told me she loved me just the night before. Sure, it wasn’t like she said she was in love with me, just that she’d always have love for me. I supposed that was because I was the father of her child.
I’d said it back, but I knew I didn’t say it the way I meant it. I was a dumb ass then, too.
Shit, when had I turned into such a dumb ass?
Slowly, but surely, it became clear that I was just as much to blame for this shit as she was. Both so stubborn we’d cut our noses off to spite our faces.
But how to fix it…now that was the real question.
How do you fix something that’s so broken?
I had to admit to myself that I didn’t know the answer to that question. I could go to her and apologize, take my share of the blame, but that wouldn’t change anything anyway. I still wasn’t ready to let her stay the nights with me, sleeping with me.
Man, she was so damn stubborn!
Why couldn’t she see that I was afraid of hurting her? Why couldn’t she be okay with that shit?
Sleep wasn’t coming, so I sat up, picked my laptop up off the nightstand and did a little research. It seemed that most people with violent sleep disorders ended up taking medication to ease the problem—which I’d been against.
My mind went back to Dr. Schmidt, asking me whether I’d take medication if I had high blood pressure. And I knew I would.
So, why not take something to help me save my relationship?
Blinking at the screen, I wondered if I’d waited too long to make this decision. Would Tawny give me another chance, or was she done with me?
The text told me she was damn close. The way she was so quick to take my ring off said that as well.
What if it was just too late? Would I be able to live with myself?
Chapter Thirty-three
Tawny
I’d noticed that August had been to therapy every single day the entire week between Christmas and New Year’s Eve. I hadn’t asked him why that was. Maybe our breakup was worsening his problems.
New Year’s Eve came, and Leila showed up at the house. I had to admit I was surprised, especially since she had a garment bag in one hand and a bottle of Champagne in the other. “I’m here to help you get ready, Tawny. Why is your jaw hanging open like that?”
“What are you doing…?”
She walked past me, heading up the stairs. “I’m here to get you ready for the grand opening at Swank, of course. Come on, I’ve got to get this show on the road. You’re to meet August at the entrance in less than three hours.”
“But Calum…,” I said as I moved along behind her.
“I’m taking him home with me. He’ll stay the night with us.” She hurried to my bedroom.
“He doesn’t need to stay over. August and I don’t…” I stopped. She knew we weren’t having sex. I didn’t need to remind her.
“Oh, yeah, the ‘we’re not romantically involved’ thing. Yes, he told me about that. There’s no need to wake Calum up to take him home so late—that would be silly.” She laid the garment bag on my bed and pointed to the bathroom. “Go in there, shower, and shave every last bit of hair off your body. This dress is quite revealing. And wash your hair, too. I’m going to put it in a fantastic up-do for you. You’re going to be the most gorgeous woman there tonight.” Unzipping the garment bag, I saw something shimmery and white inside.
“Leila, this is so nice of you. But you see, I’ve already told your brother to get another date for this. I’m not about to spend the night with him, dancing, drinking, and possibly kissing him.”
“And why the hell not?” she asked as her hands moved to her hips. “I’ll tell you why you don’t want to do that. It’s because you’re in love with August. You’re being foolish about this not sleeping together nonsense. I’m here to t
ell you that August has asked me to come get you ready. He only wants you as his date, and he told me to tell you that.”
“He does?” I asked as a shot of heat moved through me. “He told me that he wasn’t going to take anyone to the opening.”
“I don’t know why he said that. He’s taking you, and that’s that. Now hurry up, Tawny!”
With that, I hurried to the bathroom, showering, shaving, and shampooing, too. When Leila was finished with me, I looked like me, but a version of me turned way the hell up.
My hair was curled and pinned in ways that defied imagination. “Wow, you’re good, Leila.”
“So, I’ve been told.” She poured me a glass of champagne. “Drink this. Take the bottle with you—Max is driving you there. It’ll help you to relax and to keep an open mind this evening. See what happens.”
“Nothing will happen. He’s as done with me as it gets. And even if he isn’t, he’s not going to give me what I want. No—what I need.”
“Yeah, yeah,” she said, gently shoving me along. “Let’s get going now.”
The white heels matched the barely-there dress perfectly. A slit came up the inner thigh of my right leg, showing off much more of me than anything I’d ever worn had before. The V-neck plunged all the way to the bottom of my bellybutton, and the back did the same thing, ending just before the crack of my ass.
August had spared no expense, as diamonds dripped off my ears and hung around my neck. Even a diamond ankle bracelet accented the over-the-top get up. I felt like a movie star going to the Academy Awards.
The alcohol didn’t do a lot to help my nerves as I sat anxiously in the back seat while Max drove me to the club. He stopped at the entrance, and there stood August and two other men.
I supposed they were his partners; I’d never met them before. All three of them wore matching black tuxedos, and all three of them were devastatingly handsome. August was the best-looking, though. At least to me, he was.
He came right to me as I got out of the car. “You look amazing, Tawny.”
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