by Andre, Bella
"Dad," she breathed. "You can stop."
He cut her off with a glare. "You wanted to know, so you'll know. We moved out of that house two months later. I couldn't stand being there, seeing that damn bush I'd wanted to plant, walking down that street. The blood stain on the street was there for days."
She felt sick at his words.
"We got an apartment in San Francisco. I didn't want a yard. I didn't want to see kids playing in a neighborhood." He paused. "But mostly I didn't want to have another baby."
His gaze met hers, and for the first time in her life he wasn't even trying to pretend that he loved her.
"Why did you have me then?" she asked.
"Because your mom stopped her birth control without telling me. After two years of intense loneliness, she wanted another baby and she was tired of waiting for me to change my mind."
"So she had me, even though you didn't want me."
"I couldn't want you. I didn't have anything left to give you. My heart was destroyed. It died on the street with my son. Your mom said she'd do everything and that she'd love you enough for both of us. And I know she tried. I did my part by providing for you. You had everything you needed to succeed in life. I made sure that you got good grades and could get into a good school and make a career for yourself."
"You wanted to make sure I could be independent, so that I wouldn't need you."
"I never wanted to hurt you, Sara."
"You just couldn't love me the way you loved him," she said, the truth finally clear. "You can pretend that you didn't hurt me, but you did. Your constant rejection shaped who I was. You made me feel uncertain about myself. You made me think I wasn't good enough. But I was good enough—for everyone but you. How dare you act like providing for me was enough? You may have put a roof over my head, but I deserved a lot more than that from my father."
"I couldn't let myself care about you. I didn't know how your mother could love you. How she didn't panic every time you weren't where you were supposed to be? How she tucked you in at night, knowing that no matter how tight she made the covers, they still couldn't protect you? How she let you walk outside and cross the street?" He shook his head, his lips tight, his face pale, his eyes dark with pain. "I didn't know how she did it. I just knew that I couldn't. So I pushed you away, but you kept coming back."
"What a fool I was," she said, her eyes blurring with tears. "I just don’t understand why Mom stayed with you."
"I don't know either. You weren't the only one I couldn't love. That's why I worked all the time. At work I felt right. At home, everything was wrong. I was a terrible parent, not just to you, but also to Stephen. I didn't keep him safe. I wasn't meant to be a father."
"Why did you keep Stephen's life a secret?"
"Because it hurt too much to talk about him. Your mother wanted to, but I wouldn't let her. And I wouldn't let anyone else talk about him either. We moved away. We had new friends. No one knew we had lost a child, and that's the way I wanted to keep it."
"And everyone agreed? Even Grandma and Grandpa?"
"They protested at first. They probably talked to your Mom about Stephen, but it had been a few years by the time you were born, and when I asked them to respect my wishes, they reluctantly agreed. Everyone decided that you would be better off not growing up in the shadow of tragedy."
"I don't believe you kept the secret to protect me," she said. "It was all about you." She paused for a long moment. "Do you ever think about him?"
"More than I want to," he replied. "It's been worse since your Mom died and you moved away. The house is very quiet. I can't hide from my thoughts the way I used to."
"Why keep the photos in the basement? You're the only one in the house now."
"I promised your mother right before she died that I wouldn't throw them away. She wanted me to tell you the truth, but I couldn't make that promise. I didn’t move them upstairs, because I was afraid you'd stumble upon them."
"But you had to know that one day I'd find the photos."
"I was hoping I'd be gone by then," he said frankly. "Is that it, Sara? Have I answered all your questions?"
She stared at him for a long minute. "When I saw the pictures, it wasn't the child who shocked me the most, it was you—it was your face, your smile. Don't you ever want to feel like that again? Don't you miss feeling good? Having a family? Enjoying your life?"
He shook his head. "I'll never be that man again."
"You could be."
"Why would you care if I'm happy or not? We both know I've treated you badly."
"You have been terrible to me," she agreed. "And I realize now that you wanted to make sure that I hated you. Because my hate was easier to take than my love."
He drew in a ragged breath. "When you were a little girl, before you realized what kind of father you had, you used to look at me with this sweet smile. You wanted to hold my hand. You wanted me to tell you a story. And I knew you were going to break what was left of my heart, and I couldn't let you do that. I just couldn't, Sara. I was holding on by a thread, and you were going to snap that thread. I couldn't let that happen."
His eyes glittered with moisture. Tears, she wondered in amazement. Was it possible this ice cold man could actually cry?
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm sorry I couldn't be the father you deserved."
His apology brought tears to her eyes. "And I'm sorry about Stephen. I wish I'd known him. I wish you hadn't kept his life from me, because he was my brother. He was four years old when he died. He had a personality. He had a life. And I wish I'd known about it, because he was part of our family."
"Stephen was impulsive and fun-loving, very imaginative," her father said. "He had to explore. He was so curious. That's why he left the house. He wanted to see what I was doing. It was my fault he was out there."
"You didn't close a door. That's not a crime. It's just a mistake. A tragic mistake."
"You're letting me off too easily."
"I doubt anyone could free you of your guilt. I'm sure my mother tried, and she obviously failed."
"So what now?" he asked.
She let out a breath. "I have no idea. But the relationship we had is over. I'm done with that."
He nodded. "I understand."
"But…" She couldn't believe what she was about to say. "If you want to try to get to know each other as adults, I'm open to it."
A glint of admiration entered his eyes. "You're a strong woman, Sara."
"I am," she said, meeting his gaze. "And ironically some of my strength is due to you."
He met her gaze, and she thought that for the first time he was actually seeing her, and not the agonizing pain that he associated with being a father.
"I can hear your mother in my head," he said. "She's telling me not to be a fool. My daughter is giving me a second chance, and I should take it."
"I may not give you another one. I need to move on with my life. Your expectations have weighed me down for far too long."
"I would like to get to know you," he said slowly.
"Okay then," she said.
Silence followed her words. Neither one of them had any idea how to move forward. "Can we start tomorrow?" she asked a moment later. "Or maybe next week?"
"Absolutely," he said with relief. "Whenever you want."
She walked to the door, then paused. She gave him a smug smile. "By the way, Aiden and I drank the wine I brought for your birthday. It was really, really good."
Chapter Twenty-Three
Sara left her father's room feeling ten pounds lighter. The painfully honest conversation had been extremely cathartic. She had no idea what the future would hold, but the past was done. She was moving on with a clear head and a free spirit, and it felt good.
When she left the hospital, her spirits improved even more. Aiden was sitting on a bench waiting for her. He got to his feet when he saw her, his gaze dark and unreadable. Had he come to offer support or to finally say goodbye?
She slowly
walked over to join him.
"How did it go?' he asked.
"It started out bad, then got worse, and finally ended a little better. I'm kind of shocked of how forthcoming he was. Part of me still wonders if I imagined the entire conversation."
He gave her a compassionate smile. "Did he tell you what happened?"
"Yes. He didn't want to, but I demanded answers. You should have seen me in there. I was very impressive."
"I have no doubt about that."
"It's a sad story," she said, relating the basic facts of what had happened.
"That's horrendous," Aiden said. "I almost feel sorry for your father."
"I admit to feeling a pang of sympathy, too."
"But he still was an asshole to you. You can't forget that."
"I haven't, and I told him that. I couldn't believe the words that came out of my mouth. I said everything I'd ever dreamed about saying to him. I couldn't stop myself. The words just kept coming."
"I'm proud of you, Sara."
"I'm proud of me, too. I used to be so damn scared of my father. Now I can see him for who he really is, and that's a sad, angry, lonely man."
"You're not thinking of trying to fix him?" Aiden questioned, doubt in his eyes.
"I don't think that's possible, but—"
"I knew there was a but," Aiden said with a nod.
"I did tell him I would be open to getting to know each other as adults," she admitted, hoping that didn't make her sound like a complete fool. "But any new relationship has to be on my terms, and he'd have to treat me a lot better than he has in the past."
"What did he say?"
"He seemed a little stunned, but he was open to the idea. Now that the truth is out, he has nothing left to hide from me. I think the reason he treated me so badly was because he didn't want me to like him. He wanted to push me away. He just couldn't believe I kept coming back."
"Because you don't give up on people," Aiden said, his gaze turning serious. "I hope you haven't given up on me, Sara."
Her heart skipped a beat. She was riding such a wave of emotion she didn't want to let herself think that Aiden had come for any other reason than to make sure she was all right after having spoken to her father. But there was something in his gaze that told her there was more behind his actions. She really hoped she wasn't imagining things.
"I don't want you to go back to New York, Sara," Aiden said, shocking her with the words. "You asked me to give you a reason not to go."
"I remember. You couldn’t come up with one."
"I could; I was just afraid to say it, and to be fair, you didn't give me much time."
"You've had more than enough time, Aiden." And she was not referring to their most recent conversation.
"I know that," he said, a small smile playing around his lips. "I've been a little slow, but I hope it's not too late. I love you, Sara."
Her heart stopped. Her breath caught in her chest. She could not have heard him correctly. "Say that again."
"Really? You didn't hear me the first time?"
"I want to hear it again."
He grabbed both of her hands and squeezed them tight. "I love you, Sara."
"No, you don't," she said immediately, shaking her head. "You don't do love. You told me so. You told me so a lot!"
"I was trying to convince myself as much as I was trying to convince you."
"You've had an emotional few weeks, Aiden. You lost your friend. You're in pain. You're lonely. You're not thinking straight. You'll wake up in a week and wonder why the hell you told me such a lie."
"Stop trying to talk me out of it," he said forcefully. "Everything you said is true, but I know what I'm saying. I know what I'm feeling. You're the one I want. And if I have to tell you again in a week or a month or a year or every day for the next fifty years, then I'll do that. I'm not going to change my mind. I've never told a woman I loved her. You're the first and the only."
"Really, Aiden?"
He met her gaze head on. "Really. I'm putting myself on the line for you. It's your turn now, Sara. You can say no. You can walk away. It's your call."
"It just seems unreal," she said. "You've always been this amazing possibility for me, but that possibility has never really been within my reach."
"I'm right here, and you can touch me wherever you want."
She gave him an emotional smile. "I'm starting to believe you."
"Good. I'll admit that my love doesn't go back as far as yours does. But I've always cared about you, Sara. I pushed you away all those years ago not only to protect you, but also to protect myself. Even then, I sensed that you had the potential to turn my life upside down, and I couldn't take that risk. I wasn't ready for you then."
"And you're ready now? You have to be sure, because I can't start something with you, Aiden, if you're not willing to go all the way. I don't just want to be your lover, I want to be your—everything." She laughed and cried at her choice of words. "God, I feel fourteen again. That sounded really stupid."
He grinned. "It sounded wonderful. I can commit, Sara. I just never wanted to before. But I want to commit to you. I love you," he repeated.
Her heart filled with tremendous joy. "I really hope I'm not dreaming right now."
"If you are, then I am, too."
"It's crazy."
"No, it's not crazy. You're an amazing woman. You're smarter than just about everyone I know. You're beautiful, kind, and incredibly generous."
"I like those words better than cute and quirky, but I think you left something out."
He laughed. "How about you're sexy as hell and every time I see you, I want to rip your clothes off?"
"Much better." She gave him a wicked smile. "And just so you know, I feel exactly the same way every time I see you." She paused. "But it's not just physical attraction for me, either. I've admired you for as long as I can remember. You're one of the most amazing people I've ever met, and the reason I've stayed single all these years is that somewhere in my heart I was hoping we'd run into each other again. Emma is going to think I'm nuts!"
"Probably. She doesn't see me the way you do. But my family will be thrilled to see us together. They love you, too." He lowered his head and gave her a tender kiss that was filled with promise. Then he lifted his gaze to hers. "I want to be your everything, Sara." He paused. "Wait, is that a song title?"
"Probably," she said with a laugh. "I came up with that line when I was writing in my teenage diary. I never imagined I'd actually say it out loud and that you wouldn't run away or burst out laughing. But here you are."
"Here I am," he repeated. "I'm not laughing, and I'm not going anywhere. You're it for me. And just so you know, my future is wide open. If you want to live in New York, I'll go back there with you."
She was incredibly touched by his generosity. "You? My nature guy in the urban jungle?"
"As long as I'm in your bed at night, I don't much care where I am during the day. And I'm sure New York has some nature somewhere. It also has a fire department."
"I am tremendously touched by your offer, but I don't want to go back to New York," she said. "I want to start something new. I want to find what's really right for me. And I can do that here in San Francisco. Or maybe even in Redding."
"I doubt you'll find a big law firm there."
"I can always open my own firm. I like the idea of being the boss. And there's a magical pool in a nearby forest that's just perfect for swimming."
"I don’t want you to give up anything for me, Sara."
She squeezed his hands, gave him a loving smile, and said, "I don't want you to give up anything for me, either. We'll figure it out together."
"I like the sound of that. Now would you just kiss me already?" he said.
"Hey, I think that was my line."
He cut off her protest with one kiss and then another, their passion even stronger, because it was backed by love. She'd finally gotten the man of her dreams, and he was more than worth the wait.
Other Books by Barbara Freethy
The Callaway Family Series
On A Night Like This (#1)
So This Is Love (#2)
Falling For A Stranger (#3)
Between Now And Forever (#4)
Nobody But You (A Callaway Wedding Novella)
All A Heart Needs (#5)
That Summer Night (#6) Coming June 2014
When Shadows Fall (#7) Coming September 2014
The Wish Series
#1 A Secret Wish
#2 Just A Wish Away
#3 When Wishes Collide
Standalone Novels
Almost Home
All She Ever Wanted
Ask Mariah
Daniel's Gift
Don't Say A Word
Golden Lies
Just The Way You Are
Love Will Find A Way
One True Love
Ryan's Return
Some Kind of Wonderful
Summer Secrets
The Sweetest Thing
The Sanders Brothers Series
#1 Silent Run
#2 Silent Fall
The Deception Series
#1 Taken
#2 Played
About Barbara Freethy
Barbara Freethy is a #1 New York Times Bestselling Author of 37 novels ranging from contemporary romance to romantic suspense and women's fiction. Traditionally published for many years, Barbara turned to Indie publishing in 2011 and has since sold over 4.2 million ebooks! Sixteen of her titles have appeared on the New York Times and USA Today Bestseller Lists.
Known for her emotional and compelling stories of love, family, mystery and romance, Barbara enjoys writing about ordinary people caught up in extraordinary adventures. She is currently writing a connected family series, The Callaways, which includes: ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS (#1), SO THIS IS LOVE (#2), FALLING FOR A STRANGER (#3) BETWEEN NOW AND FOREVER (#4), and ALL A HEART NEEDS (#5). There will be at least eight books in the Callaway series, and if you love series with romance, suspense and a little adventure, you'll love the Callaways.