by K. L. Jessop
“Oh, God,” I pant.
When he pulls out, he holds me close, his hot breath beating against my skin as I feel his heart racing against my back.
“Do you have any fucking idea what you do to me, Blue?”
“Yes.”
“And do you have any idea how much I loathe you for it?” he growls in my ear, the rawness in his tone almost intimidating.
He can throw that word around as much as he wants. I know he doesn’t hate me. What he hates is the fact I’ve stormed into his life and made him look in a different direction to the one he’s been absorbed in for too long. A part of him is no longer suffocating. A part of him has become free. Loathing me is an excuse to admit the truth of what is really happening between us.
“Yes.”
“I don’t know what to do with it, Blue. This feeling. Tell me what I should do.”
Hidden beneath his declaration is a vulnerability I don’t like. My intention has never been to be his downfall. However, I’ve no regrets for making him feel the way I have. Therefore, I reply with the only response I know he needs to hear.
“Fuck me like you hate me.”
He slams his fist against the shower dial for the water to stop and within seconds, I’m escorted out of the bathroom. When we reach his mattress, a deep, yearning coats his eyes as water droplets run off our skin. “Get on the bed.”
I obey, pulling myself to the centre. He stands with his head tipped to the side, eyes locked on mine, as he strokes his cock.
I sink my teeth down onto my bottom lip at the sight of him. Just watching him makes me wet, desperate, and the inner bitch in me awakens. Spreading my legs, I reach down and play with my pussy, teasing him, testing him.
“Stop, Blue.” His deep growl echoes between us but I carry on, locking eyes on him as the heat between us burns.
“Dexter…”
“I said stop.”
“Make me.”
Getting on the bed, he takes my ankle and pulls me vigorously down the mattress before covering me. Gripping my chin, he crashes his mouth to mine, forcing my lips apart and kissing me with a claim that has my heart thundering in my chest and my arousal hammering between my thighs. It’s demanding, ravenous and goddamn fucking sexy.
“You don’t get to make the rules in this game, Little Blue.”
“This is no longer a game, and you fucking know it.” I sit forward, goading him. “Now fuck me how you’re wanting.”
He flips me over onto my front, scooping my hips back so my arse is on full show, my face pressing against the sheets.
Oh God, yes.
His hot breath is at my ear. His voice is beautifully frightening. “I’m going to fuck you so hard you’ll see stars. I’m going to fuck you so you know exactly what you do to me. I’m going to fuck you until you’re begging me to stop. And you’re going to let me hear what I do to this sexy fucking body of yours.”
He slams into me from behind and I cry out with his invasion. I’m so full, so wet. His hard, controlled thrusts pound into me with no regret, pushing me closer to the edge and reigniting that insatiable burn in my core. With each cry that leaves me, he hits harder, almost on the brink of pain. His filthy words make my stomach squeeze, but what has my fists clutching the bedsheets is when he takes hold of my hair to wrap the locks around his fist and pulls my head back a fraction. Water runs off my skin with the electricity he generates. It’s too much. His powerful thrusts. My racing heart. His captivating touch.
It’s hot.
It’s reckless.
It’s everything and more.
The scream that leaves the back of my throat is one I don’t recognise as my climax rips through me like it’s never done before. Dexter’s deep growl ricochets off my back as he fills me. Stars form behind my eyes. I’m delirious. I can’t move. I can’t speak. I’m completely spent as Dexter’s heavyweight falls against me, the heat of his burning skin blending with me.
What confuses me more than ever is when delicate kisses trace over my shoulder, causing my eyes to close with this new sensation. He’s making my heart feel heavier with each passing moment with him. Even in the roughest and rawest connections, this man shows more of his sensitive side the more we're together. The person he sees when he looks in the mirror is not the man I see when I look at him.
“You make me forget, Blue,” he whispers. “And as much as that unnerves me. I don’t think I want it to stop.”
“This is us. This is everything we both need and you’re everything I can’t get enough of.” I admit. My stomach falls when he doesn’t answer and I feel it’s because I’ve said too much, opened up to him more than I should have and more than he was willing for me to. But I don’t care. But what makes my heart skip is when he links his hands with mine and murmurs against my neck.
“This is us.”
My only hope is that he means every word.
Once I see Dexter’s eyes fighting sleep, I long for him to stay with me as we lay in bed together. But as soon as I place my hand on his chest, he leaves the bed and goes to lay on the sofa, leaving me to wrap myself up in his sheets as silent tears soak into the pillow. Every time we get closer, he takes something else and I’m left feeling lost, alone. He may dread that kind of affection, but rejection is even harder to bear, and if there were a reason for us to end what we have, I fear it will be that: rejection.
Leaving the solitary space as he sleeps, I pull on a pair of Dexter’s Joggers and spare jumper, heading to the door and making my way down the stairs to the Gallery. After not being here to take control of things, I’m intrigued to know how the builders are getting on. As I open the door to the gallery, I frown when I notice the lights are still on, illuminating the place and all the construction. The place is covered in the plastic and materials they are using to undergo the work. Dust covers the floor in thick piles that have been swept to the side, tools and coffee cups are scattered everywhere and my little desk is now unnoticeable with the amount of stuff placed on top. Dexter had been right, it’s unworkable, but regardless of that, who the fuck leaves a place like this. “Don’t these people know how to clean up after themselves?”
“Clearly not.”
I jump six feet at the sound of Emmet's voice behind me as he emerges from behind the plastic that’s covering the new kitchen. He’s in jeans and a black fleck jumper, and given the time, I’d say he’s just finished a shift as he looks a little tired.
“Emmet, what are you doing here?”
“I should ask you the same thing, but given the fact you’re in Dex’s clothes and your hair is wet, I can imagine.” He’s grinning like an idiot and it causes me to blush.
“Yeah… I may have been keeping him hostage.”
“Now I know why I’ve not heard from him in a couple of days.” He chuckles.
“I’ve left him sleeping. Shall I go wake him?”
“No, let him sleep. I was just stopping by to see how the work was getting on anyway.”
“It’s the first time I’ve seen it. Despite the mess, it looks like they’re doing good.” I look around the space between us, wondering if, in fact, it will be ready when they said. “They said it should take a week or two.”
“The guys are pretty fast and very reliable. I’ve known them a long time.”
“I can’t wait for Dexter to add colour to this place.” I push back a collection of tools that are on my desk and sit down on the edge.
“How’s my boy been? Has he been behaving?”
“Pretty much. You were right: the good side to him is completely different. It’s adorable.”
He laughs, coming to sit next to me. “Shit don’t let him hear you say that.”
“It is. I had an accident on my scooter the other night. Nothing major, but some kid ran out in front of me. Not long after I hit the ground, Dexter was at my side and before I had the chance to protest, he was carrying me back here. We’ve kinda progressed from there.”
“I saw the damage to your scooter
on the way in. You okay?”
“Just a couple of scratches. I was in safe hands after.”
“Told you he’s not that bad. There’s a heart hidden inside that beast; you have to be patient while you find it. Believe me, there are worse people out there that could be your boss.”
Boss.
Shit. I’d completely forgotten about Dexter in that way, and I’ve gone and slept with Emmet’s friend like it’s no big deal when he was the one who hired me.
“Oh, God. I’m sorry, Emmet,” I murmur, scrubbing my hand over my face as guilt washes over me.
“What for?”
“Because you gave me this job to help me and here I am in Dexter’s clothes after playing naughty with him. I feel like I’ve betrayed your trust and disrespected your purpose for helping either of us.”
He tilts his head to the side and his warm eyes hold mine with curiosity. “Tell me, Pepper, are you happy?”
If he means with the current situation between me and Dexter, then yes. Regardless of what I don’t know, he makes me happy. Then again, if he means on a personal level and where my head is at with Persie and the grief then that too has become easier to bare of late. I’m happy.
“You know what? I am.”
“Then that’s all that matters. I never gave you the job because it was purely a business deal to help out my friend. I gave you the job because I liked you as a person and knew you needed to find your way again. And if that meant finding it via Dexter then I’m happy for you. Both of you. I can see a change in him from what I’ve witnessed already, and I know you’ll make him believe that he’s worthy of a life he feels is so tarnished. I’ll be forever thankful for that.”
Jesus this man!
I think about the man sleeping upstairs and all the good that has come out of this regardless of the fact I have so many frustrations with him. So many questions. Trust is everything in a relationship, and although we may not be officially a couple, I’d love nothing more than for Dexter to realise he can trust me. It saddens me that he’s clearly been so damaged in the past that this is preventing him from moving on.
“I know he’s broken, Emmet. I know he has wounds so deep he believes they’re beyond repair. I hope that one day I understand why he feels that way. But if anything, I should be thanking you because Dexter’s invaded my life like a tidal wave and it’s one I welcome so dearly. Regardless of the fact he can be as stubborn as you like, I was meant to sit at the coffee table for a reason and that reason led me to a man I don’t think I can live without.”
“You’ve no idea how happy that makes me.” He nudges my shoulder, a wicked grin on his face.
I smile, wondering why no woman has realised that Emmet Michaels is available and a complete diamond of a man. “You have no idea how wonderful you are.”
He chuckles, his cheeks turning a shade of red. “Stop it. I’ve not had this number of compliments in a long time. You’ll make me blush.”
“You’ll make someone a very happy wife one day. I can tell she’ll be treated like a princess.”
I feel like shit when his handsome smile falls, and for the first time, I see vulnerability inside him. The conversation with Dexter over the photo I saw in Emmet’s house plays my mind and the look in his eyes now suggests that this tough guy beside me is carrying something heavy in his heart.
“They are bad, aren’t they? Dexter’s demons,” I ask wanting to change the subject and cut the sudden discomfort.
Emmet blows out a heavy breath and nods, looking at me with sorrow in his kind eyes. “I’m afraid they are, yes.”
“I wish he would talk to me about them. He knows of Persie.”
“Pepper, I know how frustrated you must be because I’ve been there. But the thing with Dexter is that he needs trust, stability and the reassurance that someone is always going to be beside him every step of the way. He fears solitude more than he lets on and for some reason, his way of dealing with that is to try and push people away be it with words or actions, hoping this breaks them because he believes he doesn’t deserve what they are trying to provide. But it’s when they don’t walk away that he realises he actually means something to them, and only then does his trust in them intensify. Right now, other than me, he’s never found anyone that’s stayed this long. But I’m hoping you will change that.”
My heart hurts at the thought of him being rejected by others because of his bipolar and his persistent ways. With every rejection comes another flare of self-doubt and it’s noticeable that Dexter is riddled with that. In his work. With himself. But despite that and the issues I know he faces daily, I can’t sit here and say that I’m fine with everything because I’m not. I’m just as uncertain, too.
“I’m scared, Emmet,” I whisper.
“What of?”
“Of the unknown.”
He takes my hand, reassuring me with his eyes everything I’m needing to hear.
“It’s natural to be, Pepper. But you’ll get your answers when the time is right. Trust me. He just needs time.”
And this is something I tell myself often. I don’t know how much time I’m willing to let tick by, because the longer I’m left in the dark, the harder it will be to find the light.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Dexter
It’s so good to finally be back in the Gallery again. I hadn’t realised how much I’ve missed it while the builders have been in until I came down here first thing this morning and had the place to myself. It’s taken a little over a week but the kitchen area is now fully restored with cupboard space and counters for when we work. Pepper’s new office is now fully furnished: new comfortable seating and a desk chair have been provided and the area out the back is now fitted with new bathroom facilities. What’s missing is colour. These walls are too bare, and I’m itching to get to work on them.
These past few weeks have been a roller coaster of a ride with regards to work and personal life, but I’m glad I got through it because I couldn’t be happier right now. Life hasn’t felt this good in a long time—if ever. My relationship with Pepper has grown stronger each day, and I’m starting to welcome the feeling that she has inflicted in me. We’ve spent countless nights talking and eating pizza while I tease the shit out of her endless obsession with pineapple as a fucking pizza topping, and we’ve spent our days out of the gallery walking the length of London, exploring and thriving in the buzz of the city that I’ve lost faith in over the years. We’ve laughed often, fucked at every opportunity and I’ve never felt so damn good as I do right now. And I believe it’s all down to one woman. However, I can’t deny this apprehension that still creeps over me when I least expect it because it’s telling me that the shit storms are simmering below the surface. Nothing lasts forever, and I dread that what will break us will be me and my twisted ways—be it my secrets I can’t seem to let slip from my tongue or the beast in me. One of them will put the divide between us and both lead back to me.
When I hear Pepper’s scooter pull up outside, I go over and flick the switch on the kettle for it to boil and take two cups out of the cupboard to prepare us both a coffee.
“Morning, Blue,” I say with my back to her when I hear her enter.
“Morning.” I can tell in an instant that she’s not her usual bouncy self which causes me to turn in her direction. “You alright?”
“Me? Oh, I’m great.”
My brows rise at the hint of sarcasm in her tone, but I choose to ignore it and pour the hot water into the mugs. Taking over her coffee, I place it on the desk and sit on the edge to face her, leaning in to place a kiss on the corner of her mouth. Her lips are a classic shade of red today, a fierce colour that matches her fire red dress. Her hair is up in a messy bun and her eyes somehow don’t appear to shine as bright as they have done before.
“You smell incredible today.”
“Thank you.”
“Did you sleep well?”
She cuts me a side glance. “It could have been better.”
I sigh as she continues to talk.
“There's been an enquiry about a commission. It's a big project."
"How big?" I ask, not able to draw my eyes from her.
"There's new ownership on a building just outside of Camden. It’s a semi-detached giving you a large wall space to showcase your work. They’ve sent photo images of the wall in question and view of the street." She turns the laptop towards me, and I inspect the image that’s loaded.
“I recognise that place. If I remember rightly, it used to be a tobacco store. Do we know what’s going to replace it?”
“A beauty salon.”
Interesting
“Well, that’s a little different from what it was.”
"Given the fact it's going to be a business property, the owner has asked that if you’re interested in doing the commission that you keep it professional. Other than that, it's completely up to you. I need to email to confirm and they would appreciate ideas before you go ahead."
"Is there anything in the book?"
"Only small ones that don’t need to be completed until the end of the month. So, you have time to think of ideas." She finally looks up at me. “It’s a massive commission piece, Dexter. You’d be a fool to not take.”
Now that the gallery is officially how Emmet and I originally planned, there’s no excuse to not bring the money in, and I’ve no intention of cancelling things now for the hell of it. I need to get my arse in gear and start making this living so I can have the financial future I’ve always longed for.
"Okay. E-mail them back and I’ll start thinking of ideas.”
She smiles but its half-hearted. She’s confusing me. I’ve had Pepper Livewell full of fire as she bites back. I’ve had Pepper Livewell reveal her demons and cry on my shoulder. I’ve had Pepper Livewell stripped bare and naked, but the one in front of me today is one I can’t seem to read and it's unnerving. Today is the first day she’s got back on her scooter, and I know she’s been a little stressed over the idea of it so I’m putting her behaviours down to that.