by K. L. Jessop
“It’s not going to be easy, but you have to try.” His eyes hold mine, determination in his features. “Dex answer me something. Forget everything that’s happened to you. Forget the childhood you had, the sister you lost and just focus on the here and now. What’s the one thing you want more than anything else.”
“Pepper.” I don’t hesitate.
“Then if you want her in your life, you have to tell her everything.”
“What if it’s too late? What if I’ve pushed her too far?”
“Then we'll deal with it together just like we have everything else. Just because life is dark, doesn't mean happiness can't be found in it. Regardless of who is standing next to you.”
His words make my chest tight. I want that, all of that, but at the same time, the thought of leaving my past would mean betraying Tessa because I’d be leaving her behind, too. “What if I’m too scared of the change and I want to stay lost?”
“Then you’ll never know how beautiful freedom can be.”
I nod, knowing he’s right, but I can’t sit here and say that I’m fine with it because the thought of opening up scares me fucking shitless. And the one person that needs to hear it before anyone may never want me close to her again.
“I never meant to hurt her—I swear,” I whisper as fresh tears fall. “I love her.”
He cups the back of my neck as his own tears glass his eyes. “Then use the strength you have inside you, Dex. Use all the rage you feel at times and turn it into fight. Fight for the life you deserve to have and the woman you want before it’s too late.”
I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand and take a deep breath.
I can do this. Can’t I?
“You think I can do this?”
“I don’t think. I know.”
I don’t know what I would do if it weren’t for Emmet. My life with Pepper may be over so at the very least, I need to do this for not only myself but for the man who’s never given up on me. “Okay. I’ll talk to someone. Just promise me one thing.”
“Anything.”
“That no matter what, I’ll never lose you. I know I’m a moody fucker and I’ve said some unforgivable things, but if I don’t have you then I’m forever lost. You’re the only family I have now, and I can’t lose that.”
“You haven’t lost me, Dex.”
“Good. Because I need you. I need you more than JD.”
He lets out a low chuckle as a single tear falls. “You’re stuck with me forever, Princess.”
His grip on the back of my neck tightens, an indication that despite everything, I’m forgiven when he had every right to walk away. Today has been brewing for too long. What I’ve put Pepper through makes me feel physically sick, but if anything good can come out of this fucked up situation it’s that I’ve finally realised I can’t go on like this anymore. The battle I’ve had with myself is only getting worse, and sooner or later I will end up with someone’s blood on my hands if I don’t stop. I’m exhausted from the fretful war I drown in. But my biggest test yet will be trying to convince the one person I want that I’m willing to strip my soul bare and reveal the haunting truths that have made me the foul creature that I am.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Pepper
My tears have been endless—a river of heartbreak and anguish; a mind of confusion and fear; a heart of love and longing. It’s been three days since the nightmare played out and I’ve barely stopped crying. I’ve not wanted to because with each one that has escaped, I’ve hoped with it would come some sort of solace. But it hasn’t. If anything, it’s only confused me more because my mind is all over the place while my heart is a broken mess and in need of the only person that can heal it. Yet that man is the one that shattered me.
It’d felt like I was in a vicious nightmare, and the hardest part had been that I could see Dexter himself hadn’t been truly aware of what he was doing. The moment his eyes had popped open and he’d focused on me, I’d known it wasn’t my Dexter. There had been a look about him that told me he was back in that place that consumes him—a place so dark and cold that he had been fighting to be set free. The only way he’d been able to control the desperation was through violence.
I hadn’t known what was happening. I’d been so scared I could barely breathe, but I’d known I had to try and help him because I’d never seen him look so fractured. I’d known he couldn’t help it. I’d laid there for I don’t know how long, trying to control my rapid breathing and the fear that had continued to race through my body was far stronger than the force of his hand.
As I’d digested the horrific event and slowly felt my body come back to life, I’d decided enough was enough—no more.
I can’t have my heart broken again when it is still learning to heal from my past, so I’d told myself I needed to walk away, and that if I want to help him, I had to save myself first.
I can’t continue a life of walking on eggshells, regardless of the fact I’d said I’d never run. But the impact of the aftermath has been just as distressing on my heart as his actions.
I’d felt broken, but seeing Dexter lying across from me… God. My broken heart was no match for that. He’d looked like a scared, vulnerable little boy with nowhere to run. His haunting eyes had been deep clouds of torment and pure fear that had suddenly become a desperate plea of forgiveness the longer I held them. But what took my breath away and had my throat burning with my own disloyalty was that I’d been willing to forgive him. And regardless of how torn he is, it had made me realise how weak I am.
Bipolar or not, Dexter had hurt me in a way that is inexcusable and there I was practically going to forgive him like his action meant nothing.
So, I’d forced myself to leave.
Little had I known that would be twice as hard.
I’d left to try and find the strength to survive what had happened, to control the feeling that was congealed around my ruptured heart. He needs space and so do I. I’d needed to make a stand and show him what he’d done was dangerous and wrong. I’d let myself down by being willing to forgive him so easily after he hurt me so badly. I’d left because I hadn’t been able to look at him any longer because seeing him so broken and vulnerable had torn me apart.
But when I’d reached the bottom of the stairs and slowly carried my shaky body across the gallery floor, each step had became harder than the one before, and the ache in my heart had been so agonising that I’d no longer been able to hold myself together. I’d fallen to my knees and the sob that had ripped through my body was more forceful than the state I’d been in upstairs, making me realise that I’m not the strong girl I make others believe I am.
The undeniable ache had been gut-wrenching, and I’d cradled my stomach as the pain had ripped through me like wildfire.
I’d cried for everything and nothing, for the agony he put me in and for the hurt I’d felt at that moment. I’d cried for myself and everything I was feeling, the intense solitude that had been suddenly more forcefully than ever before. But what had confused me more than ever was the fact I’d sobbed for Dexter in a way I never thought I would. I’d cried for everything he’s been through when the reality is, I know nothing at all.
How can you cry over something you don’t know?
And then it had made me realise that no matter what he’s said in the past, I clearly don’t mean as much to him as he does to me because he would have told me everything. If he loves me as I love him, he would have opened up.
And that’s why I’d had to go.
“Here, baby girl,” Malcolm says softly as he places a glass of water and some food on the coffee table in front of me. I’ve stayed at his place ever since I left Dexter’s. I hadn’t want to be on my own and the thought of going to my parents hadn’t been an option. I can’t put them through any more than what they have already suffered from Persie’s death. More importantly, I can’t be doing with their constant questions, Mum’s anxiety levels heightening my own or Dad’s discomfort over the fact hi
s princess is hurting all over again.
“I’m not hungry,” I whisper.
“Pepper, you need to eat. You’ve barely had anything in days.”
I glance at him and see concern on his face. It’s a look I’ve seen before, when Persie died. It’s a look of hopelessness—wanting to help but knowing he can’t. For all his lavish ways, bright colours and glitter and his endless ‘fuck you’ to the world, there’s a sensitive side to Malcolm that he only ever exposes to me. I know he’s worried, but I can’t just pretend that everything is fine. I’ve gone on too long doing that and my body has finally given in.
I’ve barely moved from Malcolm’s sofa since I revealed everything that happened. I’ve no desire to eat. No desire to shower and no desire to even think about getting my life back on track—there are too many pieces to put together. I haven’t felt this unstable since Persie died, and right now the loss of her has added to my distress because I want nothing more than to have her here to show me which road I need to go down in order to keep breathing.
“Tell me what to do, Pep. I can’t stand seeing you this broken.” The deep distress in his voice makes another dent in my heart.
“There’s nothing you can do,” I whisper. There’s only one person that can do something right now. My only intention when I’d walked into Dexter Wilson’s gallery was to help get his business up and running, but from that moment the man captured me in a way no one ever has and he’s now sucking the life out of me when he’s not even here. No one can do anything to stop that. Not even me.
“Well then tell me what you want?”
My throat burns and my chest aches with a fresh assault that races through my body, and like I’ve no control, the tears come back thick and fast once again as I weep out my distress over this whole shitty situation and try and explain as best I can how twisted up I am inside.
“What I want? I want my heart and mind to be on the same page so I know what to do. I want this constant ache from not knowing if I’ve done the right thing by disappearing, and just when I think it’s easing, I think of Dexter and everything he’s made me feel since day one and I’m hurting all over again. I want to breathe without pain because right now it aches too much. It’s unbearable. But most of all, I want to stop missing him as much as I do, and I can’t. I’m so confused, Mal,” I weep. “I just don’t know what to do. How do I know what’s right?”
“Come here.” He pulls my body up and his arms are around me in seconds as he joins me on the sofa. Resting my head on his shoulder, I cry into him yet again, hating myself for falling too quickly and loving too hard. I’m such a mess and it’s all at the hands of a man I hardly know—a man that is suffering in silence for whatever reason, and it’s that part of me that makes me want to hold on tighter and love him harder when I have every right to walk away.
How can one person inflict so much pain and so much love all at once?
Malcolm holds me close and lets me cry once again as he strokes my unwashed hair, telling me everything will work out, even though right now it doesn’t seem possible.
When my tears settle, I continue to be held in Malcolm's arms as I try and figure out a way to escape this whole mess, my body now heavy with exhaustion as I control my breathing that often escapes in little hiccups from my distress.
“It’s like my head and heart are fighting their own war. How will I know what’s right if my body is in battle?” I whisper, closing my eyes to try and stop the attack of emotion I’m constantly suffering.
“What is your head telling you?”
“That I should get out while I can because it’s only going to get worse if I stay in a situation full of secrets and lies.”
“And your heart?”
Like my heart heard his question, Dexter invades my mind just like he’s done ever since I left. His beautiful smile, his long, unruly hair that I like gliding between my fingers. His warmth that I miss against my skin. His heartbeat that’s frantic every time we touch.
I miss him.
I miss us.
And I suddenly want to know what he’s doing, where he is and if he’s feeling as broken as I am because I know that, despite his secrets, deep down he’s fighting a silent war of his own and it only ever stops when we are together. Secrets or not, the two of us help each other in ways we’ve never encountered before, and it’s led me to fall for him far harder than I ever thought was possible.
“That I need him just as much as I know he needs me, and I love him with everything I have. I love him, Mal, and no matter what I do, that will never go away. He’s not a bad person. He’s kind and caring and passionate and can’t help the illness that’s inside him. But he frightened me, and I don’t think I can go on if it’s going to be like that.”
“Then maybe you need to tell him that. Tell him how you feel. How he scared you.”
“But what if doing what he did was a way out for him?”
“How do you mean?”
“He knew I was falling for him, and even though he said he felt it, too, what if he was just sparing my feelings and his rage was the easy option to ending it all. He hasn’t even tried to look for me.”
“Pepper, I know I said in the beginning that I heard he was an arsehole—and I hate what he’s put you through—but what guy would paint your favourite film on a wall especially for you if he didn’t feel something? Dexter doesn’t even know that you are here. And you said yourself he doesn’t have a phone.”
Malcolm is right. Dexter doesn’t know where I am, and the only contact I’ve had since I left was with Emmet. I never told him where I am, only that I am safe. He wouldn’t be able to find me even if he was looking.
The frustration of it all has me sitting up. I scrub my hands over my face and sniff back the remaining tears that are loitering. “I’m just so confused, Malcolm, and struggling to figure out what’s right. If this is what falling in love feels like than its fucking awful. Whoever said it was magical is a liar.”
“But then that old saying that love has no limits it’s true—just look at yourself when it comes to Dexter. He’s hurt you but you still love him. Not to mention the fact you fell for him so quickly.”
I glance at him, feeling like I’ve done wrong to my heart. “Am I crazy? Letting myself feel things when I don’t know his whole story?”
“Does anyone know everyone’s full story in the beginning? You’re only human, Pep. There are no time limits on things like this.”
I let my head fall back and look up at the ceiling, trying to find answers anywhere I look but knowing it’s useless all the same. I know what I need to do and that’s to talk to Dexter. He can’t run from this any more than I’m wanting to hide. But what I fear is this weakness I have when it comes to him. As much as it hurts, I need to give myself more time so I can become stronger, I just pray that my defences stand tall when the time comes.
“What would Persie say in all of this?” Malcolm asks.
My stomach twists with his question and I visualise my sister as if she’s sitting right across from me.
“She would tell me I’ve been foolish to fall for a man I hardly know and that I’ve put myself in a vulnerable position without thinking. She would yell at me for being so careless, but then she’d tell me that the heart knows what it wants and to follow mine until it takes me to that place.”
“And where does your heart take you?”
“To Dexter,” I whisper. “I want him.”
He lets out a heavy sigh and I know it’s one of worry as he squeezes my hand. “Then you know what you have to do. But what happens if he never tells you of his secrets?”
I can’t bear his question as it awakens the thick lump in the back of my throat as my eyes glass over. I may have said I’ll give him time, but I don’t know how long I can go on like this.
Swallowing down the fresh onslaught, my voice quakes as I answer him. “Then I’ll walk away forever and learn to live with my broken heart all over again.”
Chapter T
hirty
Dexter
For the sixth time since she left, I rest my head on Pepper’s front door after begging her to open up. The desperation to see her is so great, I can hardly breathe. Neither Emmet or myself have heard from her in a week. I don’t know where Malcom lives. I’m beside myself with worry but have come to a halt about what to do next. Why the fuck does everyone I care for in my life just vanish?
“Pepper, please, if you are in there open the door?” I’ve expected to not hear from her, but at the same time, it’s driving me crazy and makes my already bruised heart hurt more because I need to try to make this right. I need to at least have her hear me out so I can do the one thing that I should have done from the start when my feelings changed. I need to take myself to that place of despair and reveal my secrets that bury me alive every time I close my eyes—the ones that have come back to haunt me more ever since she left.
In an attempt to help me cope, Emmet has had me working out more in place of me reaching for the bottle, and when I need five minutes to calm myself and try to think, I return back to my rooftop and lay looking up at the sky. Only where I once secretly talked to Tessa, I now plead for Pepper to come back to me.
“Please, Blue,” I whisper, pressing my head against the hardwood, hoping that my desperation will somehow transport its way through the timber and reach her. I’ve been in a deep form of depression since she’s left, and as much as it’s been a struggle to get myself out of bed, I’m thankful that I’ve had Emmet there to make me. I’ve forced myself to try and stay on track in a bid to prove myself, but it’s been hard. There’s nothing worse than forcing a smile and pretending you’re coping when all you want to do is find the highest cliff and keep walking because there’s nothing left in this world of wreck and ruin. The depression and disease inside me just eat away, creating cavities of worthlessness and misery.
But something inside of me keeps me from finding that cliff, and along with Emmet, the only person that’s holding me back from jumping is Pepper. She’s my missing piece to life and the only one that can keep me afloat.