by K. L. Jessop
As I step further into the room, Pepper behind me, we sit on the vacant chairs beside the bed. “What you got there?”
She’s holding a white square of material covered in different colours. A sewing needle hangs from some thread. I know what it is, but I want her conversation.
“I’ve learnt how to cross-stitch,” she murmurs.
When she holds it up, I see she’s stitched out a red flower with a yellow centre and I’m proud as shit of her achievement. It’s the little things—little things I’ve not had the pleasure of seeing her master. I know she’s doing it to keep her mind occupied instead of suffocating in the haunts. The flashbacks. The nightmares she’s constantly having. The times when it takes all her ability to focus on anything but the trauma she’s been through. It’s hard to watch at times.
“Wow, that’s amazing. Good job.”
Her response is just a smile as she looks back at her work. Her silence, too, is something I’d found hard in the beginning because I wanted to sit and talk for hours, catch up on a lifetime of not hearing her voice, but Dr Hensley had said not to force her into anything she doesn’t want to do or speak about.
As hard as it is, I have to let her make the first move with everything, even when it comes to physical contact, which is tough sometimes because I just want to hold her. But each new day brings something a little more positive, even if it’s just a smile. Physically she’s getting stronger: the bruises on her skin have now faded, the cuff marks around her wrists are barely noticeable and her skin looks brighter than when I first saw her. She’s eating all her meals and looks a lot healthier already.
“What else have you been doing, Tessa?” Pepper asks. “Have you done any more art therapy?”
“Yesterday. It was good.”
“Maybe we can do some painting together sometime.”
“That would be fun,” Pepper adds. “I painted with him once, and he ended up spray painting my picture on a building.”
“Have you done any more of me?”
I smile. If there’s one thing I can guarantee she’ll ask, it’s this. “Yes. This time it’s one of you sitting in the family room.”
She holds my gaze, and I’d give anything to know what she is thinking. I go to speak again but the knock on the door stops me. This time, a nurse I’ve not seen before pops her head in, a bright smile on her face.
“Ah, there you are Tessa. You have a visitor in the family room.”
Looking back at Tessa, I see the colour drain from her and panic starts to cripple her.
“Who is it?” I ask.
“The lovely Emmet. And I’m sorry, there’re too many of you to be in her room now, but you’re all free to use the family room.”
“Thanks, we’ll be right out. You up for that, Tess?”
“I want to go in the gardens,” she states, looking at me. “I don’t want to be inside anymore.”
“Sure. If that’s what you want.”
“We can do that.” Pepper smiles at her. “I’ll go let Emmet know while Dexter helps you get sorted. Wrap up, it’s cold out there.”
As Pepper leaves, I look around Tessa’s room for some footwear, and all I find is a little pair of black converse shoes. “Is this all you have, Tess?” I question, holding them up as she makes her way towards me.
She nods.
I can’t have her wearing these through winter. It’s too cold. “Okay. You’ll have to wear them for the moment, but we’ll need to get you something warmer. I’ll have Pepper help you out with that and anything else you need.”
“Can I…” Her words stop and her head lowers, her hands now fidgeting at her sides. She has something on her mind.
Stepping closer, I reach out and gently place my hands in hers, letting her know I’m here. I dip my head to find her eyes and keep my voice low. “Take your time. It’s okay.”
“It’s not…” She shakes her head and looks away from me, her voice cracking on a whisper. “I was going to ask. I was never allowed to ask.”
Anger tightens my chest at the thought of what those fucking bastards put her through. She’s not had a voice for so long and has been made to feel the worst part of worthless you can imagine. Rubbing my thumbs over her hands, I try to relax her. “Tessa, you’re okay to ask sweetheart; you’re not with them anymore. You’re safe. Tell me what you wanted to say.”
I remain silent, giving her a chance to compose herself.
She swallows, but she still doesn’t reach my gaze. “I like the gardens, but I can’t stay out there long. I don’t like feeling cold, Dexter. I don’t have a coat.”
“We can get you a coat. We can get you whatever you want to make you feel comfortable, okay?”
“You’d do that for me?” Tears are in her eyes as she looks up.
“Yes,” I smile. “You’re my sister. Of course I will. Don’t feel bad about asking.”
Unexpectedly and hesitantly, she steps closer and wraps her arms around my waist. The connection is everything, and I hold her in my embrace.
Little steps.
I rest my chin on her head. “You can always ask me, Tessa. I may not always have the right answers. I may not always be able to help, but you can always ask me. Okay?”
She nods.
“I’m not going anywhere, remember? I’ll always be here now. I promise.”
“I wasn’t safe, Dexter,” she murmurs. “But you always kept me alive when I closed my eyes. I never stop thinking of you.”
I have to swallow the tears that threaten from her words. Years apart, we’ve both survived our wreckage with the memory of each other—a memory that’s been more precious than the air in our lungs.
“I love you, Tessa.”
After a few more minutes, and taking the opportunity to hold her, I kiss the top of Tessa’s head, hating the fact I’m about to pull away. “Come on. They’ll be wondering where we are. Slip on your shoes. You can wear my jacket.”
“But what about you?”
“I’m used to feeling the cold. I spent years living rough remember.”
Once she is sorted, I help her into my jacket, and we head outside into the cold November morning where Pepper is already on the swings with Emmet.
“Go tell Pepper you’re in need of a new coat and some boots and that I’ll sort the money out with her in a bit. Don’t be afraid to ask her, okay?”
She smiles shyly. “Okay.”
“Send Emmet over. I need to talk with him for a bit.”
As she heads off to the swings, I smile when Emmet makes his way over to me.
“What’s up pussycat?”
I give him a hug. “Any news for me?”
He looks tired, and I can see there is so much he’s holding back. It’s times like this that I hate that his profession puts a barrier between us.
“How’s Tessa doing?”
“Pleased she can now cross stitch.”
“That’s great.”
Walking beside Emmet, we head to the nearest bench. The silence that now comes from him has my mind going all kinds of crazy that I can’t take anymore.
“Just tell me, Emmet. I can see that there’s something wrong.” I look at him. “Tell me if it will change anything that I’m starting to build.”
As he sits, a heavy sigh leaves him. “It’s all a fucking mess, Dex. I don’t even know where to begin.”
“At the start would help.”
“I’ve been taken off the Clyro case.”
“What!” I say a little too loudly, pissed at what I’m hearing because he’s been the only one on the inside who could tell me what’s going on. “What the fuck for?”
“Bromley thinks it’s a conflict of interests given the fact I’m so close to you. Somehow, she’s found out I’ve been seeing Tessa out of work hours and thinks it could jeopardise the case. And after my outburst yesterday, I don’t blame her.”
“Why what happened yesterday?”
“Tessa not told you? She gave her police interview.”
I’ve s
uddenly lost all the air in my lungs. “And?”
“As you know, we can have Clyro for being one of the biggest drug lords in London, but with Tessa statement, we can also have him and his men for money laundering, drug trafficking, rape and sexual abuse. I completely lost my shit when I watched her interview.”
“She was prey for each one?” My stomach falls as bile builds in my throat. I’m in shock from hearing the words out loud, even when I’ve been silently saying them myself for weeks. “Oh my God…”
“I’m so sorry, Dex. If it makes you feel any better, I feel pretty shit knowing we never found her beforehand.”
“But you weren’t looking for her then.”
“And we weren’t looking for her when we found him, but he’s been on our radar for years and we’ve just been watching and waiting for the right time. Maybe if we’d have gone in earlier…”
“It’s not your fault, Emmet.” I shake my head, knowing no one is to blame for any of this other than the motherfucker who took Tessa from me. I rub my hand over my face. “Shit… what the fuck do we do now?”
“The only thing we can do is be there for Tessa. When it goes to trial, she’ll have to do a video link if she’s capable, but other than that she doesn’t have to be a part of it anymore.”
Sudden anger rages across my chest and has my hands balled at my sides. I swear to God if I ever lay eyes on that monster, I’ll rip the bastard apart. “I hope they let the motherfucker rot.”
“Still won’t be a bad enough punishment. I’d but a bullet in his head if I could.”
As we watch the girls on the swings, the tension I feel breaks instantly, and I can’t help but beam at them both. It’s seems Pepper has happily engaged with Tessa’s need to relive her spoiled childhood. The garden had always been Tessa’s favourite, but our swing was never replaced once it got broken. Now, Tessa is riding high without a care in the world. Right now, her torments are not troubling her, and she’s doing nothing but thriving. I can’t help the tears that take hold of me suddenly.
“I’d give anything to see that smile every day.”
“And you’ll get it, Dex. Look how far she’s come already—how far you’ve both come.”
“I know I have Pepper now, too, but I honestly have to thank you so much. I owe you my life, Emmet. If you hadn’t have taken the time to chat to me that day on the street, not only would I not be here now, but I wouldn’t have found those girls and the freedom I so desperately needed.”
“You don’t have to thank me, man. Losing Hannah made me realise that life is too short. My whole perspective on life did a complete one-eighty when she died. I didn’t just help you that day: you helped me in ways you’ll never know. I saw something in you that I needed to pursue, and I’m glad I did because you’ve become the best friend I could have, and a brother I never knew I was after. So, for that, it should be me that’s thanking you.”
I wipe my eyes with my sleeve. “God, are you trying to turn me into a pussy? I’ve done nothing but cry these last few weeks.”
“Don’t have to try when you already are one.” He grins. “I mean look at you: you wash your hair and wear clean clothes now and everything. Next, you’ll be getting your nails manicured because of all the hard work you do in the gallery.”
“Fuck off.” I punch him in the leg, and he chuckles.
“Seriously though, dude. I’m so happy with how life has turned out for you. Pepper is a good girl, and I see nothing but strength in you both now that there are no more secrets. I knew she would be good for you that day I bought her a coffee.”
“You still doing that?”
“Yeah. It’s in my blood now.”
“Take it Bromley doesn’t appreciate the gesture much.”
“She is one woman I will not buy a coffee for.”
“She’s more sour than gone off milk,” I chuckle. “She needs to pull the stick out from her arse. Or relieve some of the sexual frustration she’s clearly got going on. Maybe she’d appreciate it if you helped her out with that.” I look at him and raise a brow, giving him a knowing look.
“Fuck that shit,” he chuckles.
“It’s about time you got yourself a lady.”
“Yeah, a lady, Dex. Bromley’s a fucking T-rex.”
I burst out laughing.
“Come on. Let’s go play on the swings.”
As much as I want to, I need time to process everything. “Give me a minute and I’ll be right with you all. I just need a moment.”
He nods, accepting my request as he stands but turns back, holding my stare with conviction. “It may not seem like it now, but everything will work out, Dex. Now’s the time to stop punishing yourself over it all and start to enjoy the life you rightly deserve.”
As he walks away, I let his words settle, along with the positivity they bring. It’s not going to be easy, but we will make it. Now is my time, and I intend to make the most of every second because I’ve missed out on so much already.
But in the midst of all of this, the only reason my heart is now finally being stitched back together is because of the beauty that’s heading towards me. Her blue eyes and bright smile light up my life; her personality and love are the key to my heart.
“Whatcha doing all alone, handsome?” The sound of her sweet voice whispers its way into the cracks of my soul, dusting light wherever it touches, and it has slowly softened the monster I’d become. I’d thought it was wrong, that it was so forbidden, but I’d had no control and for the first time in my life, I’d welcomed the war I knew she'd have me fighting.
I hadn’t been able deny it any longer, no matter how much I fought. This woman had brought a man already on his knees down even harder and I can never stop loving her for that.
“Have I ever told you how much I love you?”
“You don’t have to tell me because I feel it. But I still love hearing you say it.” She takes a seat beside me and cuddles in as I wrap my arm around her.
“How’s Tessa doing?” I ask.
“She’s in good spirits today. I think getting yesterday over with has helped.”
“She told you about that?”
“Just that she had to make a statement. I didn’t want to push her on anything else.”
“It was what we feared. Sexual abuse amongst other things. Emmet just told me.”
She looks up at me, sorrow in her eyes. “I’m so sorry, Dexter. You okay?”
“I will be. Just got to take one day at a time, I guess.”
“We will all be here for both you and Tessa. I believe in you.” Her cheeks are a rosy glow from the cold morning and her big blue eyes sparkle like I’ve never seen them before. I’ve never known a person’s eyes to hold someone captive as much as Pepper’s do.
"There will never be a day that goes by where I will love you less than the day before. You’ve given me more than you know and a love I needed like no other. Being with you has made me realise what home really feels like."
She cups my face, holds my stare and whispers with glassy eyes. “And now your home has a family.”
“I know. Seeing Tessa like she has been today gives me so much hope for the future and her recovery.”
“She’ll get through it, Dexter, because she has those who care. But more importantly, she has you. Even apart, she’s always had you.”
There was once a time I’d had nothing and no one. Now I have everything and more with those who surround me. For years, I’d told myself I didn’t deserve the kind of life I’d seen others having. I hadn’t allowed myself to have happiness and I’d hated the saying ‘everything happens for a reason’ because the term irritated me on so many levels. Now, I believe every word is true. For so long, I’ve been lost in the darkness, fighting to get out, and right now, there is so much light in my life that I’ve never been more thankful. I may still have the devil inside me, I may still struggle at times, but everything is worth fighting for and I intend to keep winning these battles for one reason only: my family
—the one I deserve.
Epilogue
Eleven months later.
Pepper
As I reach the top of the iron steps to the balcony, the need to relieve my aching feet now that I’m home has never been more urgent. After visiting the doctors and then spending a few more hours walking around the city to clear my head, I’m exhausted. Dexter has been in the gallery working all day on a personal piece, and I’ve been forbidden from seeing the project. Hearing voices, I swallow the uncertainty of what I’ve learnt today and head inside to find my man and Emmet in the kitchen.
“Hey, boys,” I smile, kicking off my shoes and dropping my satchel to the floor.
“Pepper.” Emmet walks towards me with a warm smile and a bunch of flowers. “Here, these are for you.” He hands me the collection of carnations and roses, kissing me on the cheek.
“Aw, Emmet. Thank you. What is the occasion?”
“I don’t need an occasion to buy a lady some flowers.”
“You hear that, Dexter? Emmet here has bought me flowers.” I’m thankful that I have a distraction for a moment because my thoughts are all over the place and I’ve somehow got to reveal them to Dexter. But it’s finding the right time and that is something we haven’t had much of recently as he’s been so busy.
“Have I missed something?” Emmet asks with a frown.
“Just Pepper being dramatic.”
I roll my eyes and make my way towards the kitchen to get a vase, kissing Dexter briefly as I walk past. “With the amount of work he’s had of late, I’ve become more of an assistant again than his lover.”
“Dexter, are you neglecting your woman?”
I can’t help but smile at Emmet using his full name, the tone both one of warning and amusement.
“She’s the one that’s always tired.”
He’s not wrong there.
I’m still working as Dexter’s personal assistant but visiting Tessa it takes a good few hours out of our day, which we have to make up for once home. And now that his name is out there the projects are flooding in faster than we can keep up with at times. Over the months, we have all settled into a new routine and overcome challenges along the way. The biggest one for Dexter after reuniting with his sister has been to come to terms with the fact he will need to do something with all of her portraits. Not having the heart to sell them, he has placed them all in the storage room of the gallery for the time being as he intends on showing Tessa every one of them when she’s finally home. And talking of home, ours has now had a revamp. The whole apartment has been decorated and properly furnished with the things we both love and the memories we’ve shared as well as Dexter and I finally having a bedroom now that the paintings have been taken out.