by T. L Smith
Alone.
Solitary.
Isolated.
I loved my mother.
She was that—a mother.
My mother was upset when I chose to live with my father, but his offer was too good to refuse, and at the time I was almost an adult so she didn’t say no. She never said no to me anyway. She was petite, much like Saskia. Except her hair was my chestnut color. Mom never moved on from my father, and I’m not sure he moved on either. I’ve never seen him with another woman since her. He’s lived his life hard, fast and unwavering, but where women are concerned they’re as isolated from him as he is from me.
Even trying to remember how my mom and dad were together is hard. He was always so distant, just the way he is today.
Does it hurt him that she’s dead?
“You look lost.” My head spins to see Livia standing at the end of a driveway as I walk, and she’s watching me. She has on only a slip covering her hard peaked nipples.
“I’m not.”
Livia looks over her shoulder then back to me. “I saw you walking. Would you like to come in?”
Do I? I should say no. But instead, I want what she can give me. Comfort. It’s not something I crave usually. Except right now I feel the need.
“Your parents home?”
She smiles. “They are, but the house is big enough they’ll never hear us. Plus, they’re sleeping.”
With a nod, I walk toward her. She laces her hand through mine and starts pulling me down the path to the house.
I have a moment of pause.
Saskia.
She notices, pulling my hand.
“I’ll make you feel better, Ryken.” Somehow she says the words I want to hear. I want to feel better. Maybe she’s the answer I’m seeking. The front door’s open so we walk straight in, shutting it behind us, then head up the stairs to her room. She pulls me inside then closes that door too.
“Maybe I should...”
Livia drops the slip.
She’s naked.
“I’ll make you forget. Don’t you want to forget, Ryken?” Her voice is smooth, confident, sexy.
Can she make me forget? Forget that I’ve just lost the only woman I’ve ever loved. I doubt it, but I’m willing to let her try.
“I do,” I reply answering her question.
Does she know? She couldn’t.
Livia steps closer, reaches for my jeans and pulls at the belt, slipping it through the rings and off. My shirt is next, yanked over my head and discarded to the floor.
“Are you sure this is what you want?”
She nods, steps back and waits for me to step toward her. Her legs hit the back of her bed, and she sits with them apart slightly.
Sex.
What teenager doesn’t want it?
What teenager can say no to it?
Not fucking me.
So I step forward. Her hand reaches out, and she wraps it around my cock, her warm hand starts stroking as she looks up to me. Pulling away, I reach down for my trousers and pull a condom free. Sliding it on, I push her on the bed. She’s eager. She arches up for me as I reach between us and press my finger on her clit. She moans, closing her eyes. A finger slides in, feeling her wet and ready for me.
“Fuck me, Ryken.”
I do as she says. There’s no need to withhold if it’s what she wants. So I slip my finger out and slide my hard cock in. She takes it like she wants it. Her hands lift up, roaming my back as I push in and out of her. Her nails sliding along my shoulder blades trying to mark me.
Fucking her isn’t dulling the pain flying through my chest, it’s just masking it.
And not by much.
I stop.
Her hands still and she sits up on her elbows to look at me. “Ryken?”
I shake my head pulling out of her, disposing of the condom, and dressing fast. “I can’t fucking do this,” I say while still shaking my head.
“What did I do? I can change.”
My fingers scrub through my hair. My damn mind is everywhere. The last thing I want to do is try to please someone who’s needy. Fuck! This is what happens when you think with your cock.
“My mother died...” My eyes close and then reopen, “... I just found out.”
Her hand cups her mouth, and her eyes go wide. Turning, I reach for the door handle, but she speaks, stopping me from leaving.
“Don’t go. Please don’t. Just stay. We don’t have to do anything, but lay down or sleep.” Looking back at her, she’s sliding her slip on, pulling the edge of the blanket back and tapping the bed for me to climb in. “I won’t bite. Let’s talk. Maybe about school? That may help take your mind off everything, and help you at least to fall asleep.”
It sounds better than anything I was thinking of doing. So I kick my clothes back off and climb into bed with her. She lays her head on my shoulder once I’m next to her.
“Can you believe this is our last year?”
And that’s exactly how the rest of the night goes. We talk aimlessly until we both fall asleep, and my mother is at the back of my mind. Until tomorrow.
Chapter 6
Saskia
My weekend was nothing extraordinary, I stayed in my room studying English. I’m falling behind, and it isn’t something I can afford to do. I saw my mother once during that time. She came in to give me some money to do the food shopping, and that was it. She works two jobs and is never home. I sometimes think she forgets about me. Mom isn’t working two jobs to pay for the beautiful house we live in. Because let’s face it, it’s a shithole trailer, and she doesn’t do it to pay for my schooling either. That’s all scholarship. Maybe she does it to keep busy, I have no idea.
Robert’s the first person I see when I arrive at school on Monday. He waves me over to his locker as I make my way to him.
“I’ve decided we need to do one more before we rule out the no-party-ever-again situation.”
I turn away from him, but he catches my arm and pulls me back then goes back to his locker.
“You don’t get a say. You dragged me to the first one, I’ll be dragging you to the next. And hopefully, there’s no creepy men there to try to take what’s mine.” He winks at me then slams his locker shut.
“It’s almost impossible for me to be yours, considering I don’t have the right parts between my legs.”
He laughs then lets me finally walk to my own locker.
“Shit, she moves fast,” Robert comments with his brows furrowed.
My eyebrows pinch together when I look at him. Turning to follow his line of sight, that’s when I see what he’s talking about. Livia is walking down the hallway, her arm through Ryken’s. Smiling up at him talking.
“She didn’t tell you?” Robert asks.
Pulling my eyes away from them, I look to Robert, unable to look at them any longer.
“Tell me what?” I ask, looking down at my feet.
“You know you can’t play dumb with me, right?”
Shrugging my shoulders, I grab everything I need and shut my locker.
“I mean, you could try, but I’d see straight through that.”
Looking back over my shoulder, our eyes connect. Ryken’s watching me as Livia holds onto him and continues to talk. Somehow I feel stuck, like my feet and hands are unable to move while his stare holds me in place. He shakes his head, looks down to Livia then back to me. I feel Robert place his hand on my shoulder. I ignore it and start walking to my next class, trying to forget about all things Ryken.
I’m meant to have crushes, I am a school girl after all. Maybe Ryken’s my first. But I’m sure he won’t be my last.
Or so I tell myself.
AFTER FINISHING SCHOOL today, it’s the day Livia usually takes me home. But as I step out the front of the school, I don’t see her straight away. I wait on the front steps until the bus leaves and there are only a few kids left.
There’s absolutely no sign of her. I’ve walked home a few times before, but it’s not something
I choose to do if I can help it.
“Why aren’t you on the bus?” His voice shocks me and his words are harsh. Like he would rather be doing anything else than speaking to me right now.
“Livia usually takes me home.” Not looking back to him, I keep my eyes down on my shoes. The ones Livia gave me.
“Get up, I’ll take you. Livia left before last period.”
Shaking my head, I stay where I am. His feet shuffle, and I see his shadow in front of me. Too afraid to look up at him, I keep my eyes downcast.
“Saskia, you can look at me.” His words run through me, shocking me when he says my name, making my eyes shoot up to him. His dark eyes are holding mine captive. I can see his demons again. Does he not realize how open he has them when he’s in front of me?
“What’s wrong?” It leaves my mouth without my permission or before I can think about what I want to say. I felt the need to ask, I can tell something’s bothering him. It’s in plain sight for me to see. Ryken’s dark eyes squint. He rubs his eyes, covering the dark circles that are there.
“Nothing! You want a ride or not?” His hand drops to his side, and he waits for me to answer.
“Not if you don’t want to tell me what’s wrong?”
“Fucking hell, Saskia. My mother died. All right! Now get your ass off that filthy ground and let me drive you home.”
I stand immediately upon his command and regret doing so. It felt like a natural reaction to his words, even though I shouldn’t allow myself to respond to him. I shouldn’t care what happens to him. Ryken shouldn’t even be on my radar. He’s with her, with Livia. I’ve seen them all day at school. Livia hangs off of his arm while he sits or stands next to her, but one thing I did notice was he wasn’t touching her back.
“I’m sorry about your mother.”
Ryken turns away from me, taking two steps down, while I stay in the same spot on the steps. He notices once he reaches the bottom that I still haven’t moved, and so he looks up at me. I can tell he wants to yell at me, tell me to move it. Reaching down, I pick up my bag and take the steps two at a time until I’m standing next to him. He offers me a single nod as we start walking to his car. It’s shiny and red—a sports car is my best guess.
“Where do you live?”
He unlocks his car, opening his door, and nodding for me to do the same. Pulling the door open, I sit in next to him as he starts the car. The inside of his car has that divine brand-new scent. The seat is leather, and I sink into it as I put my head back on the rest.
I should lie to him, so he doesn’t know where I live. His house is immaculate. I’ve driven past it with Livia, and she pointed it out to me. Ryken’s father is well known but rarely seen. He’s like a ghost that people talk about. A hermit. Their house is huge, almost like an estate. In comparison, I feel embarrassed to show him mine.
“Turn left.”
Ryken turns and listens to my directions. He doesn’t ask any more questions, and the ride is more than a little awkward.
“How come you didn’t leave with Livia?”
He slows down as he nears my street. “I didn’t want to.” His strong, tanned hands move on the gear shift, and I can’t help but watch his movements.
“Aren’t you two a thing, now?”
My house comes into view, and he goes even slower. Looking at the trailer, I notice there are no lights on. She isn’t home. Not a surprise either. Coming to a stop, he turns the car off right in front of my small dog box of a trailer.
“She wants to be.”
“And you don’t?”
Ryken turns to look at me, his eyes dark. “Do we really know what we want? Or do we just pretend most of the time?”
It’s a loaded question, and I don’t even know how to answer that. My hands run my skirt, straightening it.
“Why do you do that? Stop doing that.”
My hands stop, and I put them to my sides. “Habit, I guess.”
He shakes his head. “Break it! And stop thinking you’re less than them. You aren’t, not by any means.”
My hands clutch the seat, and my heartrate picks up. “I should go.”
Ryken offers me a curt nod then looks straight ahead. Those dark eyes aren’t burning me now.
“You should.”
Reaching for the cold door handle, I pull it so the door opens, but turn back to look at him. “What did he mean when he said I would sell well?”
Ryken spins around to look at me. “You shouldn’t worry what Quinn says. And if you see him again, run the other way.”
I let it go. “Goodbye Ryken, thanks for the lift. I appreciate it.” Getting out and shutting the door, I hear his car engine rev as I walk to my door.
“Saskia.” I turn around to look at him. He now has sunglasses covering his eyes and his window is down. “Miss the bus tomorrow.”
I don’t bother answering him as he drives away without waiting for an answer from me, because I won’t miss the bus tomorrow. Whatever this is, it can’t happen again. Stepping into my home, the first thing I see is my mother’s clothes all over the floor, my bedroom door open, and my stuff pulled out. She knows Livia gives me money. Livia’s father, who’s my mother’s brother, helps me out. My father died when I was young, and my memories of him are slim to none. And my mother doesn’t do photographs, so the only contact I have with him is through Livia’s family.
Sliding my hand to the side of my mattress there’s a small cut which is where I keep my cell phone. Livia’s mother gave it to me for my sixteenth birthday. When my hand touches it, a small gasp leaves my mouth in happiness. Thank God, she didn’t find it. Checking, I see two messages from Robert and one from Livia apologizing about forgetting me today. That she has a date with Ryken and how excited she is. I don’t even bother to reply. Texting Robert with a quick message, I notice he reads it and rings straight away.
“You’re shitting me, right? Livia forgot about you? What a bitch.” Before I can answer, he speaks again. “Hold on. How did you get home then? It’s too soon for you to be calling me if you had to walk.”
“Ryken drove me home.”
“Shut the front fucking door.”
I have to pull the phone away from my ear so I can no longer hear his screaming.
“You didn’t fall more in love with him, did you?”
Laying down on my bed, I think about how I should answer him. “Umm... I hope not.”
“Fucking hell, you did, didn’t you?”
“I did not...”
“You paused. You paused, Sass.”
Shaking my head, I hear the front door open.
She’s home.
“I have to go.” I hang up without giving him the opportunity to say anything more and hide my cell in the same spot. Just as I sit back on the bed, my door slams open and she stands there. Her long blonde hair as white as mine.
“You’re home.” Mom looks around the room then back to me. She’s dressed in her scrubs from working at the elderly home. “I have to go back out. Have you eaten?”
Shaking my head no, she looks around the room one more time before coming back to me.
“Why are you here?”
Mom’s never here.
Why all of a sudden is she caring if I’ve eaten or not? I wouldn’t go as far to say she’s a terrible mother. More, neglectful. The fridge always has food. There’s a roof, albeit a leaky one, over my head. But her absence is the main thing that’s missing from my life.
Birthdays. What are those?
Holidays. Always spent by myself.
“I guess I deserve that.” She nods to the kitchen. “I bought some takeaway. Let’s eat before I have to leave.”
“Why not just go?” I ask, following her out to the kitchen, where there’s a familiar fast food bag sitting on the countertop.
“Because I want to try.”
I shrug my shoulders, sitting up on the countertop.
“You’re afraid I’ll have it like her. Aren’t you? You’re afraid to see me, to b
e around me if I do.”
Mom shakes her head.
My mother’s mother was Bipolar, and it was very hard for her. At the time she was told sometimes it skips a generation, but she forgot the part where that chance is particularly low for me. She’s waiting for the day she comes home and sees me manic or depressive. She dealt with Bipolar Affective Disorder in her mother every day until she took her life, and now she doesn’t want to deal with it in me as well. She told me when she drinks that she can’t handle the thought of going through it again. The problem with her mother was that she was un-medicated, and ended up making my mom’s life a real torturous existence.
Her hand brushes away some of my blonde hair, pushing it behind my ear. “It will skip you, I know it.”
Shrugging her hand away, I reach for the food, grabbing what I want. “And what happens if it doesn’t? Will I be homeless then?”
“No.” She shakes her head to confirm it as well.
Picking up my drink, I walk into my room, shutting the door behind me. A part of me hopes I get it, just to piss her off. Then another part of me is worried what happens if I do develop the illness. How much will I change? Will the highs be so high that I do something stupid? And will my lows put me so low I end up trying to kill myself the same way my grandmother did? That part scares me the most.
Chapter 7
Ryken
Livia’s at my door, I didn’t pick her up for dinner. I purposely forgot and didn’t bother answering any of her calls. No one comes to this door, so I thought I was safe. How wrong I was. Livia, I can see through the camera at the front door, is dressed in a short dress that looks extremely good on her. My father’s home, so before she can touch the doorbell, I pull the door open to a surprised face.
“I called.”
My phone’s in my pocket, but I’m not telling her that. “I’ve been busy.”
Her hand goes to her hip, her smile etched on her face as she answers me, “We had a date. Did you forget?” Staring at her, I don’t give her an answer. Then I feel him step up behind me. She shouldn’t have come.