by Meg Caddy
Home. The thought washed away Kaebha’s darkness. Soon we would be in Luthan. It helped to look ahead.
I stood. My legs were heavy, my body still shaking off the sleep Moth had put upon it. I nodded to Dodge.
‘I need to speak with Moth,’ I told him. ‘Then I’ll find Lowell Sencha.’
‘Good lass,’ he said. I managed a smile, though it felt foreign to my features. Dodge winked at me, and I moved across the clearing to where Moth sat, on her own. She had been crying. I could smell the tears. Her narrow shoulders were high by her ears, and her light hair was unkempt. The wolf in me felt a surge of the old anger, the resentment. I pressed it down. Moth had sent me into danger, but now she was walking me away from it. I had almost killed her husband, the man she had fought so hard to stay with.
‘Derry.’
She removed her spectacles to wipe at her eyes before she turned to face me.
‘I had to.’ Her tone was defensive, her chin high. ‘You would have killed Lowell Sencha, and then you would have killed my husband. I cannot harm anyone, Lycaea, but neither will I stand passive and helpless while others do. Not if I can help it.’
‘I’m not blaming you,’ I said. ‘You did what you had to. I understand. I don’t want their blood on my hands.’
Silence hovered between us. The walls between us were my doing. She had tried to breach them, and I had rejected her.
‘May I sit?’ I asked. Moth moved aside to give me room. I sat beside her. I noticed, for the first time, how old she looked. Bird-like and fragile, though her eyes were steely grey. I remembered afternoons of fresh bread, tea, and laughter. We had been friends, once. We had spent late nights poring over maps and talking. She had taught me how to stitch a wound, and had intervened on my behalf to spare me Hemanlok’s temper.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said. Not just for Dodge. For everything else. She had loved the Valley, too. Of the Three, Moth was the most human. She tied herself to people and their places. She suffered when they did.
Moth said nothing, but she rested her head on my shoulder. I breathed out the resentment I had been holding so close. She was the Healer, but she could not heal the irreparable. She could not undo what had been done to me, or her part in it.
‘It’s been a long time since I feared losing him,’ she said at last. ‘We’re usually so careful. I forget he’s growing older. One day, I might not be able to protect him.’
‘Nothing bad is going to happen to Dodge.’ I was surprised by how fierce my voice sounded. Moth lifted her head from my shoulder.
‘I once swore nothing bad would happen to you,’ she said. Her words were halting and careful.
‘Past is past.’ I echoed Dodge’s words. ‘I need all the Three on my side if we’re going to defeat Leldh. So we need to put this behind us, Moth. You and I, and the other two. There’s been wrong done on all sides. We can’t erase it, but we can move forward from it.’
‘I am glad to hear it,’ she said. ‘I want Leldh gone as much as you do. He’s a threat to all we have worked so hard for. I cannot fight him the same way you can, but I will resist any way I know how. And I will help you as much as I can.’
‘Thank you.’
‘What of Lowell Sencha?’
I explained Dodge’s suggestion and she nodded.
‘It might be for the best,’ she agreed. ‘When should we leave?’
‘Before he comes back from the hunt. This needs to be managed sooner rather than later. We need to get a field-dressing on the damage.’ I paused. The phrase brought back the scuffle with brutal vividness. ‘Did I hurt him?’
‘You gave him a nasty cut on the arm and a bruised head,’ she said. ‘But Shifting heals the worst of that sort of wound. It’s helpful for all but silver-burns, really. I’m more concerned about the state of his mind. Be careful with him, Lycaea. He is suffering.’
‘I know.’
She stood and went over to Dodge. I felt lighter. It was hardly a joyous reconciliation, but it would hold us steady for long enough.
By the time Lowell returned from his hunt, Moth and Dodge were gone. He stood in his wolf form, hackles up, watching me with wary eyes. I held both my hands at my shoulders, showing him I meant no harm. After a while, he Shifted and pulled on his clothes. His eyes latched onto the ground. I could see the bruise on his brow, but Moth had been correct; it was less severe than it would have been without the Shift.
‘I’m sorry I hurt you.’ The word was becoming easier to say.
‘You did not seem to see us at all.’ His words were small and hard, loaded with accusation. ‘You were someone else, Lycaea. I thought you were going to kill me.’
‘I might have,’ I confessed.
‘Where are Moth and Dodge?’ He forced the words out.
‘They went on to Coserbest to get supplies. They’ll meet with us tomorrow evening. They wanted to give you time to absorb and adjust.’
He gave a bitter breath of laughter. ‘Did they? How kind.’ He sounded like me, then. I did not like it. Acidity did not fit his mouth, his temperate features.
I decided to be blunt.
‘Moth and Dodge are concerned for you,’ I told him. ‘They want me to explain matters to you, and help you…understand.’ I shook my head. ‘Don’t search for the logic in that. I’m clearly not exactly stable myself.’
‘I have seen what Moth can do.’ His voice was hollow. ‘Her power. Did you know? Did my parents know?’
‘I doubt your parents did. Moth likes nothing better than to pretend she is normal. She hides her strangeness under layers of domesticity.’
‘What is she?’
‘Sit down.’
‘I will stand.’ There was the wolf again, flaring behind his eyes. ‘What is she, Lycaea? Is she a Kudhienn?’
‘The opposite.’ I rubbed the back of my neck. ‘Do you know what a Watcher is?’
‘Everyone knows the Watcher stories. Master Derry tells them all the time. Children’s tales.’ His last sentence thought to be dismissive. It came out desperate, as if he longed for me to confirm they were, indeed, just fables.
‘That’s how the story goes.’ I met his gaze. ‘Dealer, Assassin, Healer. Three people with impossible powers who guard the balance between good and evil.’
‘Of course. That’s…’
‘Which means without them, the world would be immersed in one or the other, yes? And the good is as dangerous as the evil. It poisons and corrupts itself over time, without opposition to balance it.’
He was silent now.
‘We don’t need them all the time. Usually, we’re able to balance things ourselves. But sometimes – with great tyrants, with revolution, even natural disasters – things become uneven. And without the help of the Watchers, we plunge into darkness.’
I knew how grudging I sounded. We needed them, yes, and it made their failures all the more difficult to bear. I watched Lowell. He was stiff and pale, his eyes fixed on me.
I went on: ‘Some say the world would unmake itself if the scales tipped too far one way or the other. Most have forgotten the old stories now, but without the Watchers and the balance they maintain, the world would be ash and dust. They have lived for hundreds of years, though one would never guess it by their appearance. Years ago, they rallied Oster to fight the Kudhienn and won. You know that story at any rate. Did you know it almost destroyed the Watchers? Cost them so much power they were helpless to prevent what happened next, when the people of Oster turned, and slaughtered the remaining Kudhienn. The children, the elderly.’
‘Dodge said that. I did not believe…I thought…’
‘It happened. But some of the children must have escaped, at least, because Daeman Leldh was one of them. The Kudhienn do not live so long as the Watchers, but they can still last out hundreds of years and seem unmarked by time. Leldh grew, knowing what had happened to his people and knowing who caused it. He put the blame on the waer people, who were instrumental in the destruction of the Kudhienn. Deeper than his
hatred for the waer, though, is his hatred for the Watchers.’
‘Lycaea, stop. This is not real.’
‘It is.’ He tried to turn away from me, but I caught his wrist and held it fast. ‘Lowell. This is the truth. Think about it. If you can believe Daeman Leldh is a Kudhienn, you can believe this. Moth Derry is a Watcher. There are two others. Hemanlok, and the Wytch named Melana. Individually, they are weak, compared to what they once were. Leldh has wards, ways to keep them out of Caerwyn if they are separate. But if we can convince all three to help, we can get into Caerwyn and destroy him. That’s why we are going to Luthan. For Hemanlok and Melana.’
‘Stop lying!’
I knew he believed me. I fell silent. Lowell’s shoulders were hunched, his fists clenched. There was a flush high in his cheeks. He sat and raked thin hands through his hair. ‘It is too much,’ he said, voice low.
‘It changes nothing, Wolf.’
‘It changes everything.’
I knew what he was thinking. The similarities between the deities of his faith and the Watchers were strong. I did not share his faith, but I knew it was important to him. He had lost enough in the last few weeks. ‘It changes nothing,’ I repeated. ‘Who is to say your gods did not make the Watchers in their image? The Watchers are not deities. They are people with long lives and terrible duties. They did not shape this world; they just try to keep it in balance. Hold your faith, Sencha. It does not have to falter because of what you have learned tonight.’
‘Madam Derry…’
‘Moth is still Moth. A healer with a storytelling husband. She’s older than you thought, and has seen more. Perhaps she is more cunning, less honest. But at her essence, she is unchanged. She still cares deeply for you, as she cared for your family.’
‘All it took was a touch, and you were unconscious.’
‘And she has been easing our sleep since we left the Valley. She could not do us harm even if she wanted to, Sencha. As the Healer, she is forbidden to hurt anyone. It’s why she couldn’t intervene with the fight, and one of the reasons she couldn’t prevent the events in the Valley from taking place. Her powers are limited in form, and weakened since the business with the Kudhienn.’
Exhaustion and confusion lowered his head. ‘What else have they lied about?’
‘Not much, I’d say. The story about Leldh is all true. Hemanlok, the Assassin, sent me to find out if Leldh was Kudhienn. Once Leldh has built his power, he will strike Luthan, because it is the heart of the Watchers. The Assassin and the Dealer both live there. I was supposed to bring back information of his plans, of his strategy for attack. I was intercepted on my way out, and now I remember little of what I saw. Three years at the hands of Kaebha…’ My voice faltered. Lowell met my gaze. He was calming. I cleared my throat. ‘Leldh wants me back so he can punish the Watchers, because he knows I mean something to them. He also wants me back so he can prevent me from bringing them information.’
‘And for that reason, he killed my parents and my little brother.’
‘Yes.’
‘How are you connected to the Watchers, Lycaea?’ he asked.
‘I worked for Hemanlok. He took me in when I was a child, taught me how to fight. Partly because Moth begged him to, and partly because he was glad to get some hold over my mother.’
‘Why could you not stay with your mother?’
‘She’s insane. Unsafe.’
He absorbed that in silence. Changed the subject without betraying his thoughts. ‘What of Master Derry?’ he asked.
I raised an eyebrow. It was not the question I had expected from him. ‘What about him?’
‘What is he?’
‘Human,’ I replied. ‘A human man with a human lifespan. Watchers aren’t supposed to fall in love. Moth had to fight hard to win the right to be with him. Fight against Hemanlok, and the Dealer. Fight against the Balance. It’ll end in tragedy, of course; she’ll outlive him by many, many years.’
He pushed a hand over his face. His misery was tangible.
I took up a stick and poked at the fire. Sparks flew into the air, brightened the night. ‘At least they’re on our side.’
‘Do you think they can defeat Daeman Leldh?’
‘If they can’t, we’re dead.’ No point lying to him. Not about this. ‘But they defeated the collective Kudhienn force, once. If we can get all three of them working together again, we have a good chance. Even if they’re weaker than they once were.’
‘Will they cooperate? All three?’
‘Hemanlok will, most likely. Moth will. The third…’ I shrugged. ‘Difficult to say. Of the three, she is the most powerful outside of Luthan. But she lost her mind years ago. Even Moth can’t heal her. If the Dealer can’t be convinced by Moth, I’ll have to try.’
‘Why would she listen to you?’
‘I can tell her things about Leldh. And I’ve dealt with her before; I know the chinks in her armour.’ It sounded weak, even to my own ears, but I was more than willing to distance myself from the Wytch. The Dealer.
I stood, restless. I had no wish to talk about Melana at great length. She had a knack for turning up when her name was spoken too often, and I wanted to be fully prepared before I confronted her. She was treacherous, slippery to deal with. ‘You don’t need to concern yourself with her, Wolf. If you’re lucky, you won’t have to meet her at all.’
‘If I was lucky, I would still be in the Valley. And my family would be with me.’
We let the fire crackle between us.
‘All I can offer you is revenge,’ I said at last. ‘And it’s not a certainty, and it won’t bring back what you lost.’
He stood. ‘It will have to be enough,’ he said, extending a hand to me. We shook. Lowell’s face was grace, but his eyes gentled, and there was no animosity between us when he went to sleep.
For once, the wolf in me was quiet. Watchful, but still.
Lowell
I had not expected Lycaea to be a comfort, but her honesty gave me solid ground to walk upon. There was something reassuring about her bluntness, even if at times it seemed cruel. She was not malicious, as I had first suspected. Rather, I think she was reluctant to forgive the world around her for the cruelty she had been dealt. I could understand that.
We waited for Moth and Dodge to return, rather than leaving without them. I struggled with the new knowledge of Moth’s identity. It was difficult to accept, though it made sense on many levels. Moth’s apparent frailty. The way she and Dodge latched onto one another as though they had a soul-bond, as though they could whisper soul to soul. The deep sleeps we had all been blessed with, even after the carnage in the Valley. Moments from my childhood occurred to me: fevers vanishing mysteriously, broken bones healing quicker than anyone expected. Everyone put Moth’s skill down to her being more worldly than the single healer of the Valley. How worldly, none of us had guessed.
‘What supplies do you think they will bring from Coserbest?’ I asked.
‘Food, blankets, hopefully shoes. And, knowing Moth, tea.’ ‘How will they pay for everything?’
‘They have friends in Coserbest. Besides, people happily pay for Dodge’s stories.’ She stomped out the fire and went about the clearing, scattering leaves and dirt to eradicate traces of our presence. I helped her. I buried the remains of my hunt from the night before. It had been a poor excuse for a meal; I had been too distracted to catch more than one rabbit. Lycaea, to her credit, had not complained, though by noon she must have been as hungry as I was. She paced as the sun crept over our heads. Agitated. I wondered what she was thinking.
‘We bring tea.’
Lycaea coughed, covered a grin. I forced a smile, though I did not feel it. Dodge came through the trees first, two bags slung over his shoulder. He handed one to each of us. It was as much a peace offering as anything else, from his expression. I nodded and opened the bag, searching through it. Potatoes, onions, salted fish, a blanket, and a pair of walking-boots. The small comfort of those items made my
resentment fade.
‘Thank you,’ I said. ‘How did you manage to afford all this?’
Moth stepped into the clearing, holding another two bags. She did not meet my eyes as she answered. ‘Dodge told some stories, and I did a few healing jobs for some old friends. We’re lucky; everything is less expensive in Coserbest than it is in Luthan.’
I faltered, not knowing what to say to her. After all these years, I did not know her at all. I remembered the flash of green light, and Lycaea falling. Moth’s eyes, old and otherworldly.
Lycaea pulled her new cloak about her shoulders, tucking the older one into her bag.
‘Good,’ she said. ‘Let’s go. We have a few hours along the river before sun sets. Dodge, tell me how things went in Coserbest.’
She started ahead of us. Dodge took Moth’s bag from her and kissed her, then went to join Lycaea. I watched them walk ahead of us, through the shadow of the trees framing the river. It was clear Lycaea had left Moth behind with me to settle the tension between us. Moth cleared her throat, twisting the sleeve of her dress.
‘How has Lycaea been?’ she asked in a low voice. She still could not meet my eyes.
‘Surprisingly well,’ I told her. ‘We had a long discussion. It cleared the air somewhat. Lycaea…explained matters. I understand now.’
‘I am glad you know the truth, Lowell. Few people do.’ Her eyes searched my face. She was full of caution.
I offered her my arm as we started to walk. It was instinctual, but she was so grateful, I was glad I had done it. I reflected on how kind she had always been to my mother, and how much Kemp had loved both the Derrys. Her arm felt thin and delicate linked with my own.
‘Tell me about Coserbest,’ I said.
It was a chance to move away from discussion of the Watchers, and Moth took it eagerly. She described the small fishing town so I could almost see it when I closed my eyes; the squat limestone buildings, the rickety jetties and the fat, rugged ships in the harbour. I had never seen the ocean, but I had seen paintings the chipre-folk sold, and Dodge had described it enough times. I could smell the salt the Derrys had carried back in their hair and clothing, and traces of fish. There was a warmth to the scent. Something wholesome and vivid, far from the delicate sweetness of the Gwydhan Valley.