“Yes, I’ve been thinking about that,” said the king reflectively. “And I’m not sure they would take your side, considering that most of them hate and despise you. I know that Curfew’s your cousin, but didn’t you execute his mother before all that business with the virgin sacrifices? He can’t have forgotten that, surely?”
Modeset didn’t say anything, but the king could hear him muttering under his breath.
“Father, I—”
“Shhh!” King Phew came to an abrupt stop, then turned to face Susti and put a finger to his lips. “There’s someone coming! Go back!”
“We can’t go back!” the princess protested. “The guards will be waiting for us at that end!”
King Phew sighed. “They’ll be waiting for us at both ends,” he said. “Crikey’s probably found the underground maps.”
“Jolly good,” Modeset muttered, wincing when Susti slapped him on the side of his head.
“We might as well turn back,” the king continued, his shoulders sagging.
“Yes, I would if I were you,” the duke urged. “You really don’t stand a chance.”
“Maybe we can convince the guards to return their allegiance to us?”
Modeset laughed. “I wouldn’t bank on it,” he said. “Your soldiers are particularly stupid, even by Dullitch standards. You should educate them once in a while; does wonders for allegiance, an education.”
The noise from the end of the passage was growing louder. It sounded like two different sets of footsteps: one evenly paced and the other …
“Dogs!” the king exclaimed. “I think they’ve got dogs with them.”
“Our guards don’t have dogs,” said Susti doubtfully. “Maybe it’s just an echo thrown up by people breathing.”
“No.” Modeset smiled. “I think you’ll find that’s most definitely a dog, Your Highness.”
“She wouldn’ o’ lied,” Groan boomed, shoving Gape aside as he stomped from the great pyramid into the hollow streets of Wemeru. “She’s ’n love wiv me.”
“Actually, I think she preferred me,” Gape muttered, ignoring the dwarf’s blatant glare. “But speaking objectively, big brother, I think we’ve BOTH been done.”
Groan rounded on him. “What? Just o’ cause some mangy ol’ ’ead sez so?”
“Hey, who’re you calling mang—”
Gordo was quick to stifle Loogie’s question, but Gape was staring at Groan with a false smile playing on his lips.
“Are you really so stupid that you’d rather go in search of a treasure that doesn’t exist than admit you’ve been taken for a fool by a woman?”
“Both of you have,” Gordo observed, adding, “and don’t look at me: I’m just the backup.”
Groan sniffed. “I reckon we shoul’ go ta Kazbrack, get the idol an’—”
“For the love of MERCY! There is no idol.”
“Yeah, so ’e sez.” Groan thumbed at the head. “You’d ’ave to be a real dillo ta take ’is ’dvice.”
Gape rolled his eyes. “You’d have to be a real dillo NOT to. He knows about history and geography. Do we? Do we hel—”
“We could go,” said Gordo. He’d spoken the words quietly, but now everyone was staring at him, apart from Loogie (who was staring—not by choice—at the dwarf’s groin). “You know; just to make sure.”
“WHAT?” said Gape incredulously. “You can’t be serious!”
“Well, Kazbrack is really close now. We could just nip—”
“You want to go across another expanse of water, to an island infested with demons, just to make sure there isn’t an idol there? You do realize that makes you totally insane?”
“Yeah, but if we fin’ one, I reckon’ it might make me a prince,” Groan said, beaming.
“And if you don’t?” said Loogie, slightly annoyed that he’d been rotated away from the conversation.
“If we don’t,” Gordo muttered, “we go back to Phlegm with a vengeance. Princess or no princess.”
Gape shook his head and slumped onto the ground, staring down the main street of Wemeru with an angry glint in his eye.
Gordo lifted Loogie’s head toward him. “I don’t suppose the marvelous inventors of the incredible translocator ever got ’round to sea travel, did they?”
Loogie pursed his lips. “Afraid not,” he said. “I don’t think they really liked the ocean.”
Gordo shared a look with Groan and Gape, then made to fasten the head back onto his belt.
“Mind you,” Loogie went on, “there’s always the pedal sky-spinner, but they never properly tested th—what? What’re you all lookin’ at?”
Pegrand Marshall appeared in the tunnel. From what Susti could determine, he was attempting, unsuccessfully, to hold back a blur on a lead.
King Phew stepped back and swallowed. The dog didn’t just look mad; it looked positively deranged.
Pegrand grimaced in the glowering shadows. “You have a five-minute head start,” he said, snatching a torch from the wall. “And then I’m going to let him go.”
Susti peered over Modeset’s shoulder at her father, who was frozen to the spot with fear.
“Er, I’d make the most of it if I were you,” Pegrand urged them. “I don’t think I can hold him much longer.”
Susti turned to run, tripped on a loose stone, and fell down, holding the knife above her like a shield.
King Phew tried to make his feet move, but they were rooted. He gave a little whimper instead.
“That’s it; I can’t—”
Pegrand gave a gasp of pain, then let go of the lead and watched in horror as the dog scampered forward.
Time seemed to stop as Vicious flew through the air …
… dashed between King Phew’s trembling legs …
… and went straight for Modeset’s throat. It missed and fastened its jaws onto the duke’s arm instead.
Susti elbowed her way back through the tunnel as the duke lurched from wall to wall, his fingers locked around the dog’s snapping maw.
“I’m sorry, milord,” Pegrand called. “I really thought it’d go for the others.”
“Argghh!” Modeset cried. “You should’ve known better, damn it! This dog is the most unpredictaaaaahhh!”
He stumbled a few feet and, with one final burst of strength, prized the dog’s jaws off his arm and lobbed it down the corridor. It landed on its feet, spun around, and set its sights on Pegrand, a low growl birthing in its throat.
“Er, b-bad boy,” the manservant started. “Naughty boy. STAY!”
By the time Vicious leaped, Pegrand had already turned and bolted up the corridor like a man possessed. The dog quickly gave chase.
King Phew let out a heavy sigh of relief. His daughter, who’d managed to struggle back onto her feet, had already realigned her knife with the duke’s throat.
“That won’t be necessary,” said a voice, and the princess felt a crossbow bolt in the small of her back. “Let’s have that blade, Your Highness.”
General Crikey’s sly grin appeared in the semi-darkness like some freakish phantom. There were two more smiles behind him.
Modeset stepped away from the princess and grinned. “You’ve made a valiant attempt to escape, Susti,” he said, rubbing his wounded arm. “But it’s over. Now, I’ll say it one last time: you can either come along quietly, or you can die. The choice is yours entirely.”
Susti took one last regretful look at her father, and tossed the knife to General Crikey, who caught it and tucked it into his belt.
“Now, listen up,” he instructed as the duke squeezed past him. “Everyone follow me … and no stragglers.”
Groan, Gordo, and Gape had been directed by Loogie to the top of a step pyramid on the east side of Wemeru, where they had located the city’s apparently “notorious” sky-spinner.
The contraption squatted on the flat roof of the pyramid. It was an ugly machine, with five seats fixed below four giant wooden blades. Beneath each seat was an ancient-looking set of pedals. The w
hole thing looked antiquated.
Gordo waddled around the sky-spinner a few times before coming to a conclusion.
“It’ll never fly,” he muttered. “Not in a million years.”
“Of course it’ll fly,” Loogie assured him. “It’s enchanted.”
Gape grinned. “What, like the translocator?”
“That was different. I’ve actually seen this working. Er … well, almost working. We’re two men short, but the controls are basically—”
“Can I guess?” Gordo interrupted.
“Erm … go ahead.”
“Do we, by any chance, start pedaling frantically until it takes off?”
“Yes! Simple, isn’t it?”
Gape looked doubtful. “Don’t we need a runway of some kind?”
“Well,” said the head. “That’s what the pyramid’s for, you see.”
Every head swiveled to regard Loogie.
“You don’t mean …” Gape began.
“Yeah, that’s right. We drive off the edge of the pyramid, pedal fiercely, and hope we’re aloft by the time we get below the tree line.”
There was an awkward silence.
“You know what I think?” Gordo hazarded. “I think that bloke with the shoe-sole boat’d fit right in here.”
Eighteen
“RIGHT. ON THE COUNT of three: one-two-three-RUN! That’s it, pick up your feet, we’re near the edgeaaarrgghghgghh! Pedal! Pedal, damn it! Faster! Faster! Faster! Faster! FFAASSTTEERR!”
“I can’t pedal; my leg’s stuck!”
“We’re all gonna die!”
“Groan! Take over Gape’s pedals!”
“I can’t; I’m doin’ me own.”
“Loogie—”
“What am I supposed to pedal with? My teeth?”
“Argghghgh! Now my leg’s stuck.”
“How come nothing these people make works properly?”
“We’re gonna hit the trees, we’re gonna hit the damn trees!”
“Pedal, then! Peddddaaalll!”
“My pedal’s come off! Oh, no it hasn’t—it’s just slipped down a bit—”
“Our lords who aren’t in Illmoor, cursed be thy name. Hallowed be the sound of them burning underground …”
“I love you, Groan.”
“Shut up and pedal, you bloody midget!”
“Don’t you call me a midget, Gape Tearghh! I don’t believe it! We’re flying—we’re flying!”
Groan and Gape paid him no attention. They were both staring, openmouthed at the far horizon. The sky-spinner had cleared the treetops and was beginning to rise high over Rintintetly, carried on a wind that seemed to have come from nowhere.
“I told you,” said Loogie’s muffled voice, from the seat next to Gordo. In all the excitement, he’d accidentally rolled onto his face. “Pure enchantment, that is. One hundred percent pure—”
“—sweat,” finished Gape. “And a decent wind; otherwise, we’d all be pancakes.”
“Yeah,” Groan managed, his feet working the pedals so fast they literally hummed. “Damn zombie junk.”
Loogie gave an exaggerated sigh. “Hey, don’t knock it, pal,” he muttered. “You’re flying, aren’t you?”
They were now some way above the forest roof, and the Nasbeck Ocean was fast approaching. Gape chanced a glance over one shoulder and saw that the pyramids of Wemeru were already fading dots in the distance.
Gape peered around at Groan. “Can you see it?” he asked.
“Eh?”
“Can you see the island?”
“Nah. Wha’ ’bout you?”
“No, not yet.”
“Hold me up!” Loogie protested. “I’ve got fantastic eyesight.”
Gordo snatched up the head and passed it to Gape. “What if you drop him?”
“I won’t.”
“He’d better not; I don’t fancy bouncin’ that high.”
The barbarian gripped Loogie tightly by the hair and held him aloft.
“See anything?”
“That would be tough, meathead. You’ve turned me the wrong way. All I can see is forest.”
Gape sighed, then twisted his grip.
“Careful! Don’t get me too close to the propellers! I nearly lost my nose, then!”
Gordo rolled his eyes. “Stop whining and look, damn it!”
“Okay, okay! Yeah, I can see something—a dot, but it’s getting bigger.”
There was a lengthy pause.
“Well?” Gape prompted. “C’mon, my arm’s getting tired. I thought he said this thing was magical!”
“It is!” Loogie protested. “It’s a tree that flies; what more do you want?”
“I want a break …”
“Just keep going!” Loogie snapped. “The island’s straight ahead. It looks like Kazbrack to me; there’s a volcano on it.”
“Great,” Gordo muttered as Gape handed the head back to him. “We’ll aim for that, then. Shall we?”
“’Ere,” boomed Groan. “How d’ we turn this fing?”
A look of concern crossed Loogie’s features.
“Never mind that,” Gordo snapped. “How do we land it?”
The head grinned and said sheepishly: “I think you just stop pedaling …”
“We haven’t used this place for years,” General Crikey muttered, staring up at the three figures chained to the wall. “It used to be the hall of records, now it doubles up as a handy holding pen for, how shall we say, distinguished guests.”
Modeset smiled contentedly. “It should suffice.”
“Why am I up here, ma’am?” Bronwyn called across to Susti, who occupied a set of manacles on the opposite wall.
“You’re up there because you helped her to deceive us,” said Crikey. “By stuffing the princess’s bed with cushions, you made yourself a coconspirator. That’s how treachery works, isn’t it, lordship?”
Modeset nodded. “Exactly, General,” he said. “Though I think Pegrand should probably join them up there for releasing my own dog against me.”
“How is he?” Crikey asked, mock concern showing on his face.
“He’ll live,” Modeset assured him. “He was picked up by several of your finest at the main gate: superficial injuries.”
“Did they find the dog?”
“Unfortunately, yes. The creature is back in its cage.”
“Very good, lordship. The city is also secure, as per your instructions. No one can get in or out, and we’ve got guards all over the wall.”
“Superb, General: you’ve more than earned your stripes.”
Crikey bowed low and departed, leaving Modeset alone with his prisoners.
“Excellent,” the duke muttered. “A place for everyone, and everyone in their place. Now, people, let’s get some well-deserved rest, shall we?”
The fire demons of Kazbrack were a devoutly religious community of creatures that kept themselves to themselves and never ventured beyond the boarders of their own tiny island. They worshipped Incendous, the god of flames, who lived on Kazbrack in the form of a great volcano. Incendous was not a greedy god, but he did demand sacrifices on an irregular basis and—if these weren’t provided with swift abandon—he would literally blow his top. However, Incendous was not unkind: he slept peacefully much of the time, and when he did require a sacrifice or two, he always ensured that the ocean would provide them. This could take a number of days, but Incendous usually gave the demons plenty of time to prepare.
Today, however, Incendous was working in mysterious ways. Not only had he been grumbling steadily louder all morning, he had also decided to fly his sacrifices in on some sort of airborne workbench. Incendous, it seemed, was ravenous.
The demons were so overjoyed, they’d all gathered on the beach, determined to celebrate the arrival of the sacrifices in grand style.
The sacrifices themselves were not so keen to land.
“What’re all those red spots on the beach?” said Gordo, squinting.
“They’re fire demons
,” Loogie pointed out conversationally. “Creatures whose tattered skin is cursed to burn for all eternity.”
“Whatever they are, they’re dancing,” said Gape.
“Can you imagine that?” Loogie went on. “Seriously, can you imagine having twenty-four-hour-a-day sunstroke for the rest of your life? It’s no wonder they’re all a bunch of psychopathic lunatics who slaughter anyone unfortunate enough to land on their island. Oh, and did you know they can actually transform themselves into living—”
“Whose idea was this again?” Gape said, staring pointedly at Gordo. “I know, we’ll just land on the beach, pop along to the chief, ask him if he knows where we can find the Idol of Needs, and then hop back onboard our sky-spinner and drift away. What do you think?”
Gordo ignored him. Instead, the dwarf was gazing down at the beach with apparent horror.
“Keep pedaling,” he muttered to Groan. “We’re not going to land.”
“Eh?”
“I said, ‘we’re not going to land.’ Look at those things down there; they’re all alight! It’s not worth the risk …”
“Wha’ ’bout the idol?”
“There is no idol, Groan. We’ve been done.”
“Great!” Gape screamed, working his legs a lot faster than he’d managed over Rintintetly. “You couldn’t have decided that before we set out on this thing?”
Gordo shrugged. “I needed a while to think about it!”
“Told you so,” muttered Loogie.
“Do me a favor,” Gape snarled. “The next time you need a while to think about something, can you just say so? That way, we might actually get to keep some of our limbs …”
“Wha’ ’bout the princess?” Groan grumbled. “She wouldn’ o’ lied …”
“Well, she did,” said Gordo.
To the dwarf’s surprise, Groan shrugged. “I fink I’ve gone off her ’nyway …”
Gape coughed loudly. “Do you mind if we concentrate on the more immediate problems,” he said. “Like what we’re going to do about the ISLAND OF FIRE DEMONS RIGHT BELOW US AT THIS VERY SECOND?”
“Just keep pedaling!” Gordo shouted back. “We’re going to go around the volcano.”
“We’ll never make it!” Gape moaned. “My legs are tired.”
Gordo shook his head. “You’ve just got to fight through it! Look at Groan, he’s been pedaling for ages, an’ he’s fine …”
Shadewell Shenanigans Page 13