Ti amo,
Mamma
The opening of her letter makes me laugh, my favorite daughter, I’m her only daughter. I wonder if she addresses my brother’s letters like that as well since he’s her only son. Shaking my head, I open the box and pull out the blue New York Giants hooded sweatshirt. The sudden tears in my eyes begin to blur my vision as I hold Dante’s favorite sweatshirt. I thought I’d lost this for good. After his death, Sal demanded that everyone lay low for a week with no contact. He knew killing a cop comes with a lot of heat and he didn’t want anything getting in his way. Riggs spoke with my boss and they both agreed I needed to take some time to myself and this was the perfect opportunity to do so. They wanted me removed from the case, but I refused. I told them I would take a week, no more, and spend it with my family at my mother’s house. Ali had packed my bags for me and I barely got out of bed that week, let alone changed clothes. My mother unpacked my things and this must have been with them. When I got home I had torn my place apart, completely trashing it, looking for it and couldn’t find it. I catch a whiff of a familiar scent and hold the sweatshirt up to my nose. It still smells of him and as soon as his scent hits my senses, the tears I’ve been holding back start trickling down my face. Pressing the sweatshirt against my stomach, I hold onto the one piece of Dante I have left. I don’t know if it will ever get easier, but what I do know right now is I’m going to shower and sleep in the scent of the man I lost. As I step into the shower, I reach for the green bottle Dante left here. I find myself using this more and more, trying to feel closer to him. The familiar scent of him fresh out of the shower is calming and makes me forget for a minute that he’s gone forever. My memory always floods with the good times, but eventually my thoughts turn somber and take my emotions over. After drying off, I throw on the sweatshirt and lay in bed. Sleep still doesn’t come easy and I’m not sure if it ever will. Nighttime is when I’m at my worst. That’s when my brain goes into overdrive and I truly feel alone. The truths come to light every night as I lay in the dark, knowing that one day I will be out of body wash and one day his sweatshirt will no longer smell of him. As each day passes, I will continue to lose little things, but I have one thing that can’t be taken from me. Our baby. Just knowing that makes my days brighter. So I lay here and wait, in my dark silent room and hope sleep finds me fast. I take a long trembling breath and eventually fall into another restless sleep.
The sound of soft tapping wakes me from my sleep. I don’t remember what time I ended up passing out, but I can feel the grittiness from all my crying as my eyes adjust to the light. Looking at the clock, debating whether or not it’s worth crawling out of bed this early in the morning, I put my head under the pillow, hoping whoever it is will go away. A few moments later, the tapping begins again, but a bit louder and I know my chances of sleeping the day away are zero to none. Throwing the pillow to the ground, I swing my legs over the bed in a huff and stretch as I stand. Still wearing Dante’s sweatshirt and pajama shorts, I walk out of the bedroom to see who’s waiting for me at the door. As I open it, I see a tiny hand about to knock again at the now open door.
“Good morning! I brought breakfast.” Ali is too damn chipper for this hour. She holds out a takeout bag as she pushes her way into my home, brushing past me. I’m dumbstruck as she makes herself at home, placing the bag on the kitchen table. She takes a couple things out of the bag, then walks to the fridge, places more items in it before grabbing a bottle of water.
“You brought me breakfast or you came to check up on me?” Walking over, trying to not show my curiosity, I peek into the bag to see what smells so delicious.
“A little bit of both.” Shrugging, she grabs a paper towel and hands it to me. “And it’s a good thing I did because your fridge is empty. How do you manage to ever eat? You don’t even have the basics.”
“Basics?” I grab the paper towel and dig into the bag, grabbing the breakfast sandwich that’s all wrapped up and pull out a chair sitting in it. As I pull the wrapper apart, my stomach rumbles at the sight of the taylor ham, egg and cheese on a roll.
“Eggs, butter, milk.” Moving over to the pantry she opens the door. “And I see you don’t have any bread either. Ava, you really need to go food shopping.”
Taking an extra big bite of my breakfast, I fill my empty stomach. “God, this is delicious.” I wipe the corner of my mouth, “Thank you for bringing this over. I guess I should go food shopping. I didn’t even notice how barren my kitchen was, I just haven’t been that hungry lately.” Taking another bite of my food, I lick the side of my mouth where ketchup dripped.
“Says the woman who just scarfed down her breakfast in three bites.” She walks over to the table and sits down next to me, a little too close for my liking. Before I realize what she is doing she places her hand on my stomach. “Besides it’s not just you anymore. You have a wonderful legacy living inside you and you both need to be taken care of.”
The face I’m making has to look ridiculous. “And how are you doing today?” Pushing myself back in my seat, I stare at her wide-eyed. I’m a little freaked out at what’s going on right now. Picking up her hand off my stomach, I smile and place it on her lap. “Can you not do that? It’s weird.”
“What’s weird?”
Sliding my chair back out of reach, I pull the bag down to see if there are any more sandwiches. “How would you like it if someone just came up to you and touched your stomach and started talking to it? It’s freaky.”
Laughing, she’s now looking at me like I’m the crazy one. “I’m not just someone, I’m your family, this little one’s aunt.” She moves toward my stomach again and I flinch. She huffs, “And you better get used to it. People you don’t even know will come up touching your belly, asking you what you’re having.”
“And that’s when they will become acquainted with my gun.” Smirking, I see a smile touch Ali’s lips. It fades away just as quickly as it appeared. “What’s wrong?”
“It’s nothing.” Grabbing the trash on the table, she avoids eye contact as she starts to stand. Grabbing her arm, I take the trash from her hands.
“I can throw my own garbage out. Now can you tell me what’s wrong?”
“It’s just, I haven’t seen you smile in a while, I was worried you never would again.” Remaining still in my spot, her words circle around in my head. Little does she know I think the same thing and every single day that passes, it seems like the answer will always be no. Truth is, I don’t know how to be happy right now. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest but it’s been placed into the little blessing growing in my stomach. I know I will always have a piece of Dante with me in our baby, but the selfish part of me wishes it was him here with me instead. “I shouldn’t have said anything.” Ali whispers, breaking me away from my thoughts.
“No, it’s fine.” Walking over to the trash can, I step on the pedal for it to open and throw the wrapper in it.
“Ava, I don’t want to sound like your mother or anything but you really do need to take better care of yourself. It’s not just you anymore. You have a baby growing inside of you and you need to make sure you eat and you’re well rested.” Leaning back against the counter, I nod and look down at the floor. Looking back up, she’s eyeing me and I can tell there’s more that she wants to say. Pulling at her sleeve, she turns her back to me, grabs a paper towel, wets it and wipes down the counter.
“You know, Dante told me you did this, but to see it with my own eyes I can now see what he was talking about.” This gets her attention as she stops wiping and turns to me.
“What? What am I doing?”
“Dante said you clean whenever you want to talk about something that makes you uncomfortable. So out with it. What’s on your mind?” Waiting for Ali to answer, she looks around nervously before looking back to me.
“It’s just, crap, you are not going to like this. I know Dante asked you to take a step back from your job, my dad told me how Dante had concerns for your
safety now that you’re pregnant.”
Crossing my arms over my chest, I try not to show my annoyance with this topic, yet again, “Yeah, and I told them that wasn’t going to happen.”
“Ava, don’t you think you owe it to him to honor his dying wish?”
Her words infuriate me. I feel my eyes protruding as I glare at her. “I’m only going to say this once, so listen up.” Pushing myself off the counter, I walk toward her and she takes a couple steps back. “No one can even begin to imagine what I’m going through. You can say you understand but you never will. Until you watch the man you love die in front of you, you have no say on how I handle it or what I do about it. You want to talk about dying wishes? Sure, but that was not one of them. In fact, he didn’t fucking have any because he wasn’t given the fucking chance! So you know what? I made him a promise, one I intend to keep. So if you, Joe, or anyone for that matter have an issue with it, I honestly don’t give two fucks. I’m going to do whatever it takes to get justice for my child’s father, and God help whoever gets in my way.” She flinches, and a small part of me feels bad that I’m intimidating her with my yelling, but it’s a very small part. “How dare you stand there and ask me to stand down from this? You are his sister, Ali! You should want revenge for his death just as much as I do.” She stands speechless at my words. Feeling extremely exhausted I step past her, stopping before the hall to glance at her one more time before I head to my room. “I think it's best you leave now.” Walking toward the bedroom, I hear the front door creak open.
“I just want him to be able to find peace. This isn’t the path he would want you to take and you know it.” She yells from behind me and I can hear the tears in her voice. The door creaks again as it starts to close and I storm back out into the main room, screaming at her, “That’s where you’re wrong.” My breathing constricts, “He wanted these people behind bars just as badly as I do. He wanted the streets safe.” She starts crying harder and shakes her head at me. She looks as though she wants to say something but instead she closes the door.
The dam that was holding strong breaks. Fuck. I stalk toward my room and into the bathroom, walking to the shower. Turning on the water, I turn it the hottest it will go. I thought a visit from Ali would be nice, but it turned out to just be another form of stress to put on my plate. I know I may have been a bit out of line, but her words were like rubbing salt on an open wound. I don’t expect her to understand but I did expect her to want justice for her brother.
Stripping down, I step into the water and let it trickle down my body. The heat of the water is soothing on my tense back and I can feel my body start to relax. As I reach over for the shampoo, I see Dante’s stuff sitting next to mine. When I got home from visiting with my mom, I boxed up most of his things and put them away. I couldn’t stand to look at them. Every time I did, it just brought out the sorrow and rage that resided in me. I stopped packing once I reached the bathroom, these were the last remaining things of his and I couldn’t bring myself to hide them away. If I did then I knew all of him would be gone. Wetness fills my eyes and this time I’m not able to hold back, so I once again weep for the man I lost. Sinking to the tile floor I pull my legs up to my chest, making myself as small as I can. The water that continues to fall over me as I cry eventually turns ice cold and it doesn’t faze me. I’m devoid of feeling.
Getting up and going these days is harder than normal with the shitty sleep I’ve been getting. I would die for a cup of coffee right now, but along with some other things, I’ve been advised not to drink it while pregnant. Waking up this morning I decided that today was going to be the start to the new me. I’m so tired of crying all the time, that’s all I seem to do lately. So from now on, it’s less crying and more planning. I can’t get revenge for Dante sitting on my ass weeping all day.
Pulling up my jeans, I notice that they’re snug and I can’t button the top of them. Shit. Throwing them aside, I grab another pair to try to get them on but have the same problem. Okay, so maybe I’ll go shopping for some pants that fit. New clothes for the new me. Putting on the only thing that will fit, leggings, I throw on a t-shirt and grab my sneakers.
As I’m driving to the one place I hate the most, the mall, I’m still in a bit of shock that I’m starting to outgrow my clothes so soon. I don’t know much about pregnancy since this is my first and let’s face it, probably only baby, but this feels too soon. I’m going to have to start moving my plan along more quickly in case anyone has a doubt that this will affect my performance. Sal is a complete asshole and I can see him sending me to my grave alongside Dante. I won’t give him that option.
Pulling into the parking lot, I get that annoying feeling of having to pee. I swear every time I empty my bladder, I immediately feel like I’m going to spring a leak. Drink plenty of water they tell you at the doctor’s, but what they don’t tell you is how you better stock up on an insane amount of toilet paper because you will be going all the time.
Finding a parking spot is next to impossible. Finally spotting a space, I speed up and fling my car into the spot just before a minivan. Laughing with a little evil glint, I yank off my seat belt. I get out of the car quickly, locking it up and rushing across the parking lot. As I’m trying to make it into the building so I can pee, I slam right into a man’s chest, knocking the bags right out of his hands and stumbling back a little. He grabs a hold of my arms to steady me and stop me from falling. As I look up, I’m met with a flustered but familiar face.
“Oh my God, I didn’t even--” Killian pauses as he realizes it’s me. “Ava, I’m sorry. I didn’t even see you there. Are you okay?” Leaning down, he picks up the bags off the floor. I reach down, grabbing the bag that landed by my leg and hand it to him.
“It’s okay. It’s totally my fault.” I turn and put my hand on the door. “I was in a rush and wasn’t looking where I was going.”
“Where’s the fire?” He smiles his goofy, lopsided grin.
“I gotta go. I’m sorry.” I open the door quickly leaving Killian standing there and pray the department store has a restroom I can use. Thankfully they do, and I have relief before I know it. Now I see why pregnant women talk about how they pee themselves. After I wash my hands, I pull out my phone to check the time and see I have four hours before I have to meet with Director Lance. That should leave me enough time to get some new clothes and stock up on some of the essentials that Ali was talking about. Even though I hate her nagging, she’s right, it’s not just me anymore.
Opening the door to the bathroom, I jump out of my skin when I hear Killian’s voice, catching me completely off guard. “So when you said you had to go, you were being serious.” He’s leaning on the wall opposite of the bathroom door with his arms crossed over his chest. The bags I knocked out of his hands earlier are sitting by his feet. Cocking an eyebrow at me, Killian’s smug smile makes me roll my eyes. He’s the last person I want to deal with today, and what I was hoping would be a quick trip in and out isn’t looking too good right now.
“Very funny. Weren’t you on your way out when I ran into you?” I cross my arms over my chest and glare at him. The minute I do that, his gaze follows my shirt down toward my stomach. His eyes go wide and he shifts on his feet, looking uncomfortable.
Not really wanting to be here any longer, and so he doesn’t start asking questions, I take this as my chance to get out. “Right, well I just ran in for a few things and I’m meeting a girlfriend for dinner, so I’d better get running. I’ll see you around.”
As I’m walking past him, he snaps out of the trance he was in. “Wait.” Grabbing my arm, he stops me in my tracks. “Want some company?”
Letting out a sigh of frustration, I know I can be blunt with Killian and there be no hard feelings. “Not really. Look, I don’t have a lot of time and I was trying to be in and out. I had no plans on coming here today, but I needed to pick up some new clothes since apparently my fat ass doesn’t fit in the ones I have.”
“You’re eating, t
hat’s a good thing.” His response throws me off.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Looking down at my body, I pray to God I’m not showing already.
Holding up his hands in defense. “Whoa, calm down there, killer. I was just saying I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself. Grief can do a number on you.” Shifting uncomfortably on my feet, I know where he’s going with this. “I know you and Dante were close. I know you guys didn’t want anyone to know, but I knew.” Panic must start to show on my face as Killian grabs my hand. “Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me. You didn’t know he was a cop and you shouldn’t have to have any backlash from that.”
“Why are you being so…caring?” He looks away from me, piquing my curiosity.
“Because I know what’s it like to watch someone you love die in front of you. To have that guilt of wondering if you could have done something to stop it from happening?” His words sound pained and his eyes are filled with sorrow as he stares off in the distance. He squeezes my hand before letting go. Well shit. I don’t know why, but the torment written all over his face makes me feel bad for him and I find myself doing the last thing I wanted once we started this conversation.
“I guess I could use some company. That is, if you still want to hang around for a little bit.”
“Are you sure?”
Punching him in his shoulder puts a smile back on his face. “Yes. Now come on before I change my mind.”
We walk around the mall in silence as I look for a store to buy clothes in. I would just stop at the maternity store, but now that I have Killian with me, that’s not going to happen. I will have to come back on another day and even maybe a different mall in a different town to buy some maternity clothes. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s shopping. I don’t like trying on clothes and the crowds you have to deal with in the malls. Everyone just stands around and has no consideration for whether they’re in your way or not. I don’t even realize we’re circling the mall until Killian brings it to my attention.
Ava's Revenge: (Salvation Series Book 2) Page 2