by Claire Adams
“Well,” Caroline said, squinting, “It’s a little different. Not that I’m encouraging you and Ian or anything, but you guys did sleep together. There’s no doubt in my mind that he finds you attractive and enjoyed being with you. Whereas you never slept with Noah.”
It wasn’t exactly the same, but it was close enough. Close enough to make me realize how unreliable feelings could be.
“Do you think you’re going to talk to him about it?” Caroline asked.
I shook my head. “No. I don’t want to talk about it. Really, I’d just like to forget the whole thing.”
“Isn’t that going to be kind of hard if you’re still working for him? Or are you going to quit?”
“I’ve got to keep working there for now. It was hard enough to get this job as it was, and I don’t want to quit until I at least have something else lined up. So maybe I’ll start looking. I don’t know,” I said, putting my elbows on the table and leaning my face into my hands. Maybe I was being a little dramatic, but I just felt so confused by everything. It probably would be impossible for me to find another apartment I could afford, unless I got roommates. What if I just saved up a bunch of money and then moved? Have a fresh start. A new life. There’d be no Noah, no Ian, no hair salon that unjustly fired me. It would be a clean slate, and hopefully things would go better there than they had here.
I could just imagine what my mother would say about all of this.
Chapter Nineteen
Ian
Annie lived near Fenway in a three-bedroom apartment with a couple roommates who I hoped would not be home when I got there. The place seemed quiet enough when Annie met me; she came to the door wearing a pair of yoga pants and a sweatshirt, which was surprising. I had expected her to be in her usual tight top and short skirt, but she seemed subdued, or maybe tired.
“Hey,” she said. “Thanks for coming to see me.”
“Sure,” I said. I was about to add Let’s get this over as quickly as possible, but stopped myself at the last minute. “What is it that you wanted to talk about?”
“Come on in,” she said, motioning for me to follow her down the short hallway to the common area, where there were some futons, a flat screen TV, a coffee table with a bong on it. “Don’t worry, I’m not smoking,” she said when she saw me eyeing the thing. “I stopped as soon as I found out.”
“So you probably were smoking then when you were pregnant; you just didn’t realize it yet.”
Her eyes narrowed. “Like I said: I stopped as soon as I found out. It’s still very early. The doctor says I’m six weeks along.”
“You’ve been to the doctor?”
“Of course I have! I thought there was something wrong with me. I thought I had this cold that I couldn’t shake, and that’s strange for me, because I’m usually so healthy. I was exhausted and felt like shit. It didn’t seem to get any worse or better though; it just sort of stayed the same. I thought maybe I had mono or Lyme disease. Trust me, Ian, I was just as surprised as you were to find out. This isn’t something I planned.”
“So isn’t that what Planned Parenthood is for? Actually planning for parenthood?”
“You don’t want to sit down?”
“Standing is fine.”
She sat. “Whatever you want. If you’re trying to suggest I get an abortion, I told you—I’m not doing that. Nothing you say is going to change my mind about it. I’d like it if we could be adults, though. I want us to get along, at least for our child’s sake.”
I felt my balls shrink just at the mention of our child. Jesus fucking Christ.
“Maybe I will sit,” I said. I sat down, but immediately started tapping my foot. I tried to stop that, and my fingers started to tingle, like I needed to start gnawing at my cuticles or else. I refrained from doing so, but the exertion made my intestines twist. A cold sweat broke out on my forehead that I hoped wasn’t visible. “What is it that you would like to do? I mean, aside from having the baby.”
“Would you like to hear my ideal situation, or what I know will probably be closer to reality?”
“Let’s stick with reality.”
“Okay. Well, I’d like it if we could get along the best we can. I’d like us to co-parent, not parallel parent.”
“I don’t even know what that means.”
“It means that we’re both involved in the child’s life, that we communicate with each other, that we might even do things together, even though we’re living apart. You know, school events, extracurricular activities, birthday parties—”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” I said. “I think you’re getting a little far ahead of yourself here. School? After school activities? This is years down the road. Even birthday parties. Kids don’t remember their parties till they’re at least five, maybe six. And I never had a big birthday party growing up, and I turned out fine.”
She gave me a look that strongly suggested she thought otherwise.
“You asked me what I was hoping for, and I’m telling you.”
“Okay,” I said. “So that’s co-parenting. What’s parallel parenting?”
“That’s basically where we both do our own thing. We may communicate once in a while, but when the child is with you, he’s with you, when he’s with me, he’s with me.”
“He? Did the doctor tell you it’s going to be a boy, too?”
“It’s still too early to tell. Though I did find out they can tell you at around ten weeks, if you do this blood test. Do you want to find out?”
“No,” I said.
And I didn’t want to be a parent, either. Not a co-parent, not a parallel parent, not any parent. Parents might be the ones to give you life, but they could also royally fuck you over. My mother had by marrying Pete; then Pete had by being such a dick.
“I wouldn’t mind if you came to some of the doctor appointments,” Annie said. “It might help, especially if you had any questions.”
“The only question I have is why this is happening, but I suppose I already know the answer to that,” I said. I rubbed my hand over my eyes. “And you had mentioned something about child support. I’d actually rather avoid having to go to court. It’d be nice if we could handle things ourselves, don’t you think?”
“Of course I do. That’s what I’ve been hoping for.”
“Okay. Well. I don’t know what the going rate for child support is, but I’m sure we can figure something out.” I was trying to sound as upbeat as I could, though the whole thing was really making me feel a little nauseous.
“We can figure that out,” Annie said. “As the time gets closer.”
“Right. I mean, you probably don’t need much right away, when it’s so tiny and everything.”
“I won’t be working.”
“You mean at first?”
“Yeah, at first. Who is going to take care of the baby? You? Are you going to be here to get up in the middle of the night with it to feed it and change diapers? No, I highly doubt it. So yes, of course I’m going to be taking time off.”
“Isn’t that what they have daycares for?”
“Do you know how expensive daycare is?”
“I have no clue.”
“It’s probably a lot more than I would ever ask of you. Maybe you should look into it.”
“I really have no desire to look into how much daycare costs.” I stood up. “I’ve got to get going. I’m supposed to meet someone, and I’m already late as it is.”
She gave me a poisonous look. “Who? Your new secretary?”
I tried to keep my face impassive. “It’s not really any of your concern.”
“I knew it. You’re probably banging her, too, aren’t you? Well, there’s no way in hell she fucks you as good as I did, I know that. Are you going to get her pregnant too? You’re going to go bankrupt with all of the child support you’re going to have to pay.”
“I’ll see you later,” I said, walking out of the living room. Christ, I couldn’t get out of their fast enough. Part of me was expec
ting her to come running down the hall after me, but she didn’t. I made it out of the apartment and pulled the door shut firmly behind me, letting out a breath as I did so.
Still, I was fucked, that much was clear. It seemed pretty messed up to be bringing a child into the world when the parents disliked each other this much already, but there were probably plenty of people who had been born to parents who weren’t each other’s biggest fans, yours truly included. And I supposed I turned out okay.
It was a lot later than I wanted it to be when I finally got to Failte. All I wanted was to see Daisy; I knew that getting to see her smiling face would be the one thing that would help melt some of this stress away. The bar was pretty crowded when I got there, and I scanned the room, looking for her. I didn’t see her, but my eyes landed on Billy McAllister, of course. He waved and signaled for me to come over. I walked over, but only because I was hoping he’d be able to tell me if he’d seen Daisy or not.
“My lucky night!” he shouted. “Looks like the whole Hard Tail crew is coming through Failte tonight! All we need to show his face now is Jonathan. Where is he?”
I tried not to roll my eyes. “Hey, Billy.”
“Can I get you a drink?”
“No, I’m good.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“You’re in a bar and all. You know, usually people get drinks here.”
“Yeah, yeah, I’ll get to it. I’m meeting someone, actually.”
“The lovely Daisy, I presume?”
I did not like the way he said it. To any eavesdropper, it would have sounded perfectly innocent, but I knew he was probably scheming all sorts of ways that he could get with her. No fuckin way.
I forced a smile. “Yes, Daisy. I was meeting her down here, but I got a little held up, so I’m a little late.”
“A little too late, I’d say. She took off quite a while ago, man. But don’t worry; I kept her company while she waited for you.”
I’ll bet you did, you horny fuck.
“Thanks.”
“She’s a lovely girl.
“She is.”
“You always hire the good ones.”
“She’s a friend of Jonathan’s, actually.”
“Lucky guy.”
“Not that kind of friend. She’s my girlfriend, actually.” The words just came out; it wasn’t like I’d given them any thought at all. I think Billy was as surprised as I was, but I tried to keep my face expressionless.
“That so?” he said after a minute. “’Cause I could’ve sworn that just the other day when I was down at the office and I asked her, she said she wasn’t seeing anyone.”
“Times change.”
“Dating the employees. That didn’t work out so well with Annie now, did it?”
He had an amused expression on his face. The bastard was enjoying this immensely, and I hated him for it. But the last thing I wanted was to let him see that I was bothered by it.
“You know, my dad has a very strict policy against . . . fraternizing like that with employees,” Billy continued. “It’s not an official thing or anything, but everyone knows that you don’t shit in your own backyard. And it’s funny . . . Daisy and I talked for quite a while—she didn’t mention anything about the two of you.”
“We’re trying not to advertise it to the world.”
“Well. She suddenly had to take off, so quickly, in fact, I didn’t get to ask just what it was that had come up. But since you’re her boyfriend and everything, I’m sure you’ll find all that out. It’s not nice, though, you know. Keeping all the good women for yourself. You probably never shared your toys in the sandbox, either, did you?”
“See ya later, Billy,” I said. I was seeing way too much of Billy McAllister lately.
Chapter Twenty
Daisy
When Caroline and I were done at the Thai place, I headed home. I had turned the ringer off on my phone, but I had a few texts and missed calls from Ian.
Hey, the first one said. Just got down here, see that you’re gone. What are you up to?
I was tempted to text him back. Part of me wanted to. But another part of me didn’t want to because I didn’t just want to be another one of his secretaries that he slept with. I scrolled through and read the two other texts he sent, so focused on what I was doing that I almost ran straight into Noah. I didn’t realize it was him at first and started to apologize, but then I saw his face and stopped.
“Daisy, it’s me,” he said.
“I know who it is,” I snapped. “And I’m not in the mood for this. Now or ever again, actually. You need to leave me the fuck alone.” A tiny part of me felt bad for being so harsh, but I really felt like he was leaving me no choice.
“How can you say this?” he asked, looking crestfallen. I could feel my anger building, any guilt for using bad language vanishing.
“I can say this because that’s how it is. And sometimes you just have to accept things that you don’t agree with, or don’t want to, especially when it concerns another person who doesn’t happen to share those feelings!” I waved my phone at him. “And I have my phone out, and if you don’t leave right now, I’m going to call the police.”
“I’m not doing anything wrong,” he said quietly. “You know I would never hurt you, don’t you?”
“No, I don’t know that,” I said. “Because we don’t actually know each other. And you’re stalking me. So that tells me that you’re a little mentally unbalanced. So how am I supposed to believe that you might not try to do something crazy and hurt me?”
“I know we don’t completely know each other yet. I’d like that to change.”
“Well, it’s not going to. I don’t know if this tactic has worked for you with other women, but it’s not going to work with me. I am not interested, Noah, okay? I really don’t know how else to say it.”
“This isn’t some tactic of mine,” he said. “I’m doing this because I feel a certain way toward you that I have never felt with anyone else before.”
I took a deep breath, suddenly feeling as though I was a parent trying to explain something to a surly toddler. “Listen, Noah,” I said. “I want to tell you something.”
“Okay,” he said, perking up like he was expecting that I was about to confess my love for him. “I’m all ears.”
“Good,” I said. I stepped to the side so a group of three girls walking by could get past us. Noah didn’t even seem to notice them. “I got a smoothie with you because you asked; I thought you seemed like a nice guy. We didn’t hit it off. The connection just wasn’t there. I’m sorry, but there are plenty of other women out there in the world, trust me. One day, you might find someone who feels the same way about you that you do about her. Except that’s not going to happen if you dedicate all of your time and energy to following me around.”
He was shaking his head. “Why would I feel this way about you, then?” he asked. “Are you saying that I can’t trust my feelings?”
“Maybe. If your feelings are telling you that I’m the one, then yes, you can’t trust your feelings in this case. It happens. In fact, it just happened to me. I thought that I had met this guy that I had an amazing connection with, but it turned out, it was all in my head. Sound familiar? And yes, it sucks, and your feelings very well might be telling you something completely different, but if the person in question is telling you that they just don’t feel the same way, then you need to accept it. Okay?”
“You met someone?” he asked dumbly.
I stared at him. “Did you hear a word I just said? Yes, I met someone, but he doesn’t feel the same way about me that I do about him! And that doesn’t mean I’m going to start skulking around outside his apartment building and following him around in the hopes that he’ll suddenly have a change of heart. In other words: the same thing that you need to do. This is the last time I’m going to say this, or acknowledge you. If you decide not to listen to me and I find you hanging around here again, I’m just going to walk r
ight by you and not say a thing.” Even as I was talking, I knew what I was saying wasn’t getting through to him, but I didn’t know what else to do. He just had this look on his face like he was one hundred percent convinced that I would eventually change my mind.
I left him standing there and hurried into the apartment building, glancing over my shoulder as I shut the door. He was watching me, his hands in the big front pocket of his sweatshirt. Why was he always wearing a sweatshirt? It was the middle of summer. Maybe he had something in the sweatshirt, like a knife, and he was waiting for the perfect opportunity to grab me and hold the knife up to my throat and keep it there until I promised I would be his girlfriend. Such an idea should’ve been laughable, but the more he persisted with this, the crazier he seemed. And what would I do if that happened? What would I have done right now if he had rushed up behind me as I was opening the door and pulled the knife he most certainly had hidden in his sweatshirt out and told me I had to do exactly as he said, or he was going to plunge it into my heart? I would’ve been completely helpless to do anything, I realized, because I had no clue what to do in a situation like that, other than run away screaming.
I didn’t want to be completely helpless though. I wasn’t going to rush out and buy a gun or anything, but maybe some sort of self-defense class would be a good idea.
Once I was inside my apartment with the door locked and the deadbolt on, I went over to the window and peeked out. No one was there, just a guy walking by talking on his phone. Where did Noah go? Had he gone home? Or had he slipped out of sight somewhere, but was still close by? He had only been a nuisance until now, but I was suddenly overcome with the idea that something bad was going to happen if he didn’t stop this.
The next morning, I woke up and made coffee. I looked out the window again as I drank my first cup, watching people exiting their apartment buildings, heading to work, cars driving past, two girls out for a morning run. Noah wasn’t anywhere in sight, though I knew that didn’t mean he wasn’t out there lurking somewhere. There was still that part of me that hoped against hope he’d just lose interest, find some other girl to stalk.