"How do you know?"
"Talk to Reverend Tanner, when he returns. Ask him yourself."
"I will," she said, though already knowing--as Min undoubtedly surmised--that she would not talk to him, or even approach him, out of fear of further sullying her chances. She made to leave but Min hooked her arm and hugged her with every ounce of his little boy's force, his scant strength, and although she could have easily nudged him aside she let him hold on to her the way one of the twins might, his face mashed hard against her breastbone, his fists digging into the small of her back.
"Very soon," he murmured, his voice muffled in her sweater. "You'll see. We'll be living a new life."
That evening, well after lights-out, Min tapped at the door of the girls' room, just as he'd told her he would. It was freezing in the chapel but he had just relighted the fire in the stove. It was enough to blunt the chill. He had dragged the two front pews before the stove and put them together front-to-front for the planks to be wide enough to lie upon. He pointed her to the pews and she climbed over the back. He had spread a folded blanket as bedding. She asked where he was going to sleep and he scooted quickly beneath the pews onto the bare fl oor. It was quiet and she was vigilant for any sign of Byong-Ok and the others. But Min kept turning on the floor beneath her and groaning with the discomfort and she pushed apart the pews and scolded him for making too much noise. He said he would stop but after a few more minutes of his tossing she gave up and pushed apart the pews and he scooted up between them. She made room and spread his blankets over hers and without hesitation he tucked himself into her side as snugly as if this were a nightly ritual and almost immediately fell asleep. She bristled with annoyance, but the faint, high sound of Min's breathing made her think of her brother, and though the smell of his hair and body was not at all pleasant she instinctively wound her arm over his cheek and neck, to keep him warm.
They both awoke before reveille and June went to her cot in the girls' room, leaving Min to set the pews back in place; he didn't want to go to the boys' side until everyone else was awake and waited in the chapel until the kitchen bells rang. The rest of the day proceeded like any other with Reverend Tanner away, Reverend Kim arriving in time to give the breakfast prayer, and then he and Mrs. Tanner conducting the classes. She was clearly no longer ill: the color had returned to her face and she appeared as vigorous as ever, and in English class she led them in a few songs, the last being "Rise and Shine." There was always an unofficial competition among the children to see who could sing the chorus the loudest, and for the first time ever it was June's voice that sailed above the others, everyone (including herself ) surprised by the force of her sound, its pleasing pitch and carry. Min was in the class and he stomped his good foot loudly in time to the rousing chorus. The other children and Mrs. Tanner did the same. It was strange, but June had slept very deeply, and despite only eating over the last three days what she would normally take in a single square meal, she felt as if she were the very ark they were singing about, her hold filled to capacity with the vitality and promise of the world. After class she did not linger or even try to catch Mrs. Tanner's eye, rushing out along with everyone else to the lunchroom, where she would take her bowls of food but merely touch the spoon to her lips, leaving the food for her bunkmate So-Hyun and Min to split. She calmly watched them finish her food. Lick clean the bowls. It was not for them she felt satisfied but for herself, sure now she had mastered herself, transfigured the great foe within.
Outside, the boys were organizing the usual post-lunch soccer game. She had not played since tussling with the other girl back on that warm autumn day, but she felt a new electric strength in her legs, a need to run. When she stepped onto the field Byong-Ok held the ball underfoot, telling her to go away. She stood quietly and waited. He kicked it to start the game only when Reverend Kim and Mrs. Tanner came out to watch. Soon both of the adults joined in the play, even Reverend Kim, who rarely spent any time outside. Everyone expected him to be stiff and awkward but he moved easily with the ball, fl ipping it up and deftly trapping it on his thigh, then on his foot, before fl oating a perfect cross to Mrs. Tanner, who deflected it for a goal between the two dirt-filled petrol cans. She raised her hands and a hearty whoop went up on both sides, though perhaps it was one more of commemoration than celebration, as if everyone saw that this was one of the last times Mrs. Tanner would be here among them.
June had now joined in the game, too. She was as carefree as any of them, feeling as though she was moving to the rhythms of the play, following the track of the ball and the others, when before all she would look for was an opportunity to avenge any slight with a shove or collision, a kick in the shin. Though no one except Mrs. Tanner was intentionally passing the ball to her it regularly ricocheted her way, and instead of rearing back and booting it as hard as she could at someone or out of bounds she tapped it to her surprised teammates. Min was on her team and she tried to stay close to him whenever she could, warding off those boys with a glare. They couldn't goad her today. On one play, as she was dribbling toward the goal, one of the boys who had threatened Min tackled her hard, his foot riding into her ankle, but she popped right up from the hard ground and kept running after the ball. She felt remote and light, almost bodiless, as if she could no longer feel pleasure or pain; or else the pleasure or pain existed somehow outside of her, in some ghost of her old self. She was not the same vessel anymore. She was simply moving, playing, and she was certain that Mrs. Tanner was seeing her fully once again, appreciating her anew. It was not even a question of Hector anymore. Since Reverend Tanner's departure he hadn't appeared in the mess hall, instead taking his meals to his room or to wherever he was working. He was at last keeping to himself. He was not outside now but from habit she kept an eye out for him. Although she knew they'd not been together for some weeks, June had still awoken late last night and crept out in the frigid dark to check for any sign of light from either the Tanners' cottage or Hector's quarters. But there was nothing but blackness and the cold, no sound but the whining gusts of the harsh wind jetting past the long dorm building, and she had quickly returned to climb next to Min in the warm box of the butted pews.
A pass was now booted down the field nearest June and Byong-Ok and they sprinted after it. He had a few steps head start but she propelled herself with all her will and she got to the ball first. He was a much more skilled player than she and should have been able to take the ball from her easily, but she thwarted him with her hip, her shoulders, leaning back into him so he couldn't reach the ball. His fl agrant kicks stung her ankles and calves but she didn't give in and when she noticed Mrs. Tanner and the others running toward them, she faked a kick as she'd seen Byong-Ok do and then jabbed the ball through his legs with the back of her heel, sending it toward the approaching players. Byong-Ok, frustration twisting his face, shot after it, reaching it just as Mrs. Tanner did, both of them stretching out a foot at the very same time. But at the last moment, perhaps realizing that it was Mrs. Tanner, he slid to the side and averted the ball just as the sole of her shoe met it. Her shoe rolled over the ball, her leg extending unnaturally, and she fell in a heap. The ball came loose and Reverend Kim took control of it but he stopped when Mrs. Tanner remained on the ground. She was wincing terribly and gripping her leg at the knee. Everyone crowded around them as Reverend Kim knelt beside her but when he touched her leg to examine it she cried out, pulling away. Hector suddenly appeared, though no one had fetched him. He pushed through the tight throng of children. Reverend Kim would not yield at first but when he saw Hector he moved aside to give him room. Hector didn't have to say a word to her, to make her yield. He didn't even look into her eyes. He simply pushed up the wide cuff of her trouser leg past her knee, taking her stark, pale limb in his rough hands. His fingers grazed the soft underside of her thigh. He handled her with great tenderness, cradling the back of her knee with one hand and clasping her calf with the other, telling her he was going to try to move it in certain directions.
She nodded, to say she was ready. He slowly bent her knee, and then gently straightened it and this was fi ne, too, but when she turned her foot to either side she winced. "Be careful," he said.
"I'm all right. Please help me up."
"You think you can stand on it?"
"Yes."
He raised her up and braced her under the shoulder, his arm hooked around her waist. But when she put weight on the leg she instantly fell into him and in one motion he lifted her from the ground and walked toward the cottage, the whole orphanage following. Though she had been right beside them, June was now trailing everyone, her own legs suddenly gone weak, her chest clenched, her belly razored by a double saw of rage and desire. For it was at that moment, while Hector ascended the step of the cottage, Mrs. Tanner's arm slung casually about his neck, that June realized that they were lovers again. Reverend Kim announced he would leave now and bring back a doctor from Seoul.
"I'll be fine," Sylvie told him. "I'll be fine."
"It already looks swollen. I will come back tonight after I fi nd someone. It may be late, but I'll return."
"Please, Reverend," she said. "There's no need."
"It's not as if he's a doctor," he replied, regarding Hector coldly. Hector was silent.
Mrs. Tanner said, "You're not even supposed to return tomorrow, are you?"
"No, I have to be in Seoul for something else. But now I feel I should be here, especially since Reverend Tanner won't return until the following night. I shouldn't leave while you're in such a condition."
"Please don't bother making any trips. I'll be fine. Thank you."
"We'll see," Reverend Kim said, as Hector took her inside. A couple of the aunties had retrieved bandages and ice hastily chipped from blocks delivered in the morning. The reverend went in and observed Hector wrap her knee, the children trying to push in and watch as well until the aunties shooed them all out. Soon enough the two men emerged, Hector heading to his room, Reverend Kim collecting his briefcase and coat in the mess hall before getting into the church car. He started it and rolled out on the worn path of the drive. June ran after the car and had to rap on the trunk to get him to stop, this just beneath the orphanage gate.
"What do you think you're doing?" he said, rolling down the window. He brushed her hands from the door of the dented old sedan. He didn't know any of the children particularly well, but if there was one he knew, it was June, at least by reputation. "Now stand back."
"Will you be contacting Reverend Tanner when you get back to Seoul?"
"It's no business of yours."
"But he should know Mrs. Tanner has been injured, shouldn't he?"
Reverend Kim nodded, clearly annoyed for having to speak with her, but now giving pause. "He should be. But as with this place, there are no telephones at those orphanages. There's a popular inn at the pass near the second one. I suppose I could leave a message there. But whether he'll stop in is pure chance."
"Please leave a message, Reverend."
"Maybe I will," he said, his eyes growing curious. "But tell me, girl, why are you so concerned?"
"I care about Mrs. Tanner."
"Is that right?"
"Yes! More than anything!"
"And I take it you think it would be best if the reverend came right back?"
"Yes . . . I don't know. It just seems Mrs. Tanner shouldn't be alone."
"No," he said, somewhat thickly. "She shouldn't."
"So will you return tonight?"
"Mrs. Tanner does not wish it."
"What about tomorrow? You'll come back tomorrow?"
"She doesn't wish that, either." He put the car into gear. "Step back now."
She clung to the door, tears in her eyes. "But you must! Everything will be ruined!"
He let out a begrudging sigh of solicitude. Normally he would have rolled up the window, right there and then, but she looked particularly desperate, her round face unusually tight and drawn.
"Nothing will be ruined that won't be ruined anyway," he said. "Do you understand me?"
"Yes, Reverend," she said, "but you're wrong."
He sighed again. "Look here. I can't explain it to you now. They'll be leaving very soon. You children should make good use of your time with the Tanners."
"Not Min."
"Why, does he not care that they're leaving?"
"Of course he does. He's going with them."
Reverend Kim said gravely, "Is that so?"
"Yes. And I am, too."
Something sour flashed across his face, as if he had just smelled spoiled porridge. "You had better step back now," he said to her, nudging away her hands. He rolled up the window, and before she could do anything else he drove away, the rear bumper of the rusty sedan rattling as the car bounded down the rutted drive.
S O O N T H E B E L L S R A N G for supper. June lined up with the others. The children were orderly--they were always quietest on the line--and she took her bowls of soup and rice and sat alone at the far end of the mess hall. So-Hyun and Min ambled over just as they had the last few days, knowing she would only pick at her meal. But she didn't acknowledge them when they sat beside her, and when So-Hyun reached out to take her bowl of rice, June grabbed her wrist and held it, with increasing pressure, until the girl began to whimper.
"What's wrong with you?" So-Hyun cried, fi nally able to pull back her hand. She rubbed at her wrist. "Are you crazy or something?"
June made no answer. So-Hyun scooted down on the bench, continuing to complain, while Min had already picked up his bowls and left. He was no longer even in the mess hall. June thought she ought to go find him. It was then that she noticed one of the aunties leaving the mess hall with a tray of food. She caught up with the woman just as she was nearing the cottage. "Dear auntie," she said, "let me take it to Mrs. Tanner."
"What are you doing out here? If you're done with your dinner, then it's time to get ready for bed."
"I'll wait and bring the dishes back for you when she's done. That way you don't have to make another trip."
"I do have some radishes salting." The woman sighed, weary from the long day. "I should get them seasoned before I go home. Okay, then, but just bring it to her and wait outside. And don't bother her! If I hear anything different I'll strap you, you hear me?"
June agreed and took the tray. When she knocked on the door she could hear Sylvie say in Korean, You may come in. June let herself inside just as Hector was coming out of the back room, some balled-up bandages in his hands. He walked out without saying anything to her. In the bedroom, Sylvie was sitting up in bed in a robe, reading by the lamplight, her knee newly wrapped and propped on a pillow. She seemed startled when she saw it was June but then warmly smiled, putting down her book. "You're nice to bring me supper."
"Does your leg still hurt?" June asked.
"I'll be all right," Sylvie answered.
June nodded. "Would you like to eat now?"
Sylvie said yes and took the tray from her, setting it on her lap. She removed the newspaper covering the porcelain bowls of soup and rice and prepared vegetables. The aunties had prepared some extra dishes for her.
"My goodness," she said. "It's so much food. I'm not terribly hungry, to tell you the truth. Have you eaten, sweetie?"
June said she had.
"But I just heard the bells a few minutes ago. Did you even have a chance to finish your own meal? Why don't you share this with me?
You use the spoon and I'll use the chopsticks. Sit up here with me, it'll be easier."
Sylvie shifted to make room for her, June sitting cross-legged with the tray on her lap. She didn't want to eat but Sylvie kept saying she should, patting her shoulders, and before she realized it, before she could stop herself, she had already begun, eating half the bowl of rice and all the radish kimchee. It was like breathing after holding one's breath for too long, the inhalations at first quick and deep but then settling right back into an automatic rhythm, her body in command, cribbing her sight with opaque blinder
s, the dull glow of the bowls the only halos before her. Sylvie was saying to keep on, and very quickly June fi nished the vegetables, the fritters, the last spoonfuls of rice, and by the end she had lifted the soup bowl to her lips and drunk it down, the hot, rich broth scalding her tongue. But when she was done she felt immediately ashamed, the barely chewed morsels lodged in her gut as if she'd swallowed fistfuls of coal. She slipped off the bed to take the tray and leave, but Sylvie grasped her arm. "You don't have to go . . ."
"Please forgive me!" June said. "I ate all your dinner! I will bring you more!"
"Oh, sweetie," Sylvie said, now trying to hug her. "I didn't need any of it. Not a bit."
"I have to go," June gasped, and then pulled herself away, just quickly enough to open the back door and retch onto the ground. It smelled almost good, simply like food, but she coughed up some more. Sylvie was now holding her shoulders as she stroked her back, the hollow >feeling in June's belly strangely confirming to her that this was the state in which she felt most honed, elemental, most purely alive.
"Are you feverish?" Sylvie asked her. "Are you feeling sick, otherwise?"
"No, no," June said. "I should not eat your dinner. I am sorry."
"Please don't apologize for that," Sylvie said. "Never for that." They stepped back inside, Sylvie limping but bracing June as if she were the one who needed help walking. She pulled up a stool for herself and had June sit on the edge of the bed. She clasped June's hands. "I'm glad you came here tonight. We haven't talked very much of late, have we?"
"No."
"I've missed spending time together."
June didn't answer, for she realized she had not come here to speak but rather to hear what Sylvie would say to her, to hear her utter what she of course knew was the truth. Yet all at once June found herself beset by a great flowing rush of tears. She did not feel sad or afraid and yet here she was with her face awash, her eyes burning, its salty run trickling into her mouth.
The Surrendered Page 42