He swallowed around the lump in his throat. “Thank you, but it was long ago. I would rather not talk about her—Charlotte.” Opening the paper to block his view of Eve’s disappointed face, he tried to lose himself in a familiar routine, but the print jumbled together so he couldn’t make sense of the words.
Her sigh was pregnant with resignation, and his spine began to lose its rigidness. She was abandoning the topic. As he sank against the seat back, she stood. Her fingers curled around the edge of the newssheet and slowly drew it down. The paper rustled as the top half buckled under the pressure of her hand. “Pardon me,” she said ever so politely. “Please forgive my interruption, but I had hoped we might continue our conversation.”
His sigh came out as more of a growl, but she merely batted her lashes and smiled. He folded the newssheet and placed it on the table. “Do you truly want to listen to me speak about another woman? A girl, really. We were both children.”
“Seventeen and fifteen. On the cusp of adulthood, and certainly capable of love.” She lowered to her chair, her gaze searching.
His face heated under her scrutiny. Did she know about his nightmares?
“As you say, a young man can love,” he said, halting to sip his tea and gather his thoughts. “In my youth, love was a quickening of my heart or a rush of joy upon seeing Charlotte’s face. It was thrilling and consuming. It made me believe forever was a real possibility, as if Charlotte and I would stay the same always.”
Eve’s gaze lowered and he could hear her swallow. He shifted toward her, worried he’d said something to hurt her. “I remember,” she murmured. “I thought the same about you and me.”
He reached for her hand and she looked up, lacing her fingers with his. “My heart still pounds when I see you, Evie. You thrill me and consume my thoughts, but my love for you is different. At fifteen, I barely knew myself. I couldn’t see that a part of me was missing, much less what I would need to make me feel whole once I became a man. But I found it. I need you.”
Fat tears clung to her lashes. She smiled and squeezed his hand. “I need you too.”
“Perhaps you can understand the reason I don’t want to dwell on the past—yours or mine. I finally have you, and I don’t want anything interfering with our life together.”
“Neither do I.” She dabbed at her eyes with her napkin. “Very well. No more talking of Sir Jonathan or Charlotte. Besides, I would rather focus on our future, starting with our honeymoon. Sebastian enjoyed Lisbon. Would that be a good place to start?”
“I think it would be a perfect spot. I’ve always been fond of Toulon, so we should plan a stay there as well. Then we could dock in Naples next.”
“What about Rome? Since we will be in the vicinity…”
Ben happily returned to his breakfast as they exchanged thoughts on their trip. “Most definitely a visit to Rome is in order. It would be a crime to miss out on the history the city has to offer.”
* * *
Eve tried to be a gracious hostess to Ben’s sisters-in-law the next day, but she found her mind wandering as they spoke about a previous voyage they had shared from America. Lisette could boast the most experience onboard ship since her husband was a captain—or Daniel had been before he’d settled into a more domesticated life—and Eve was sure she should take note of the woman’s suggestions, but all she could think on was Ben.
After their candid conversation at breakfast and a lovely turn around the park in the curricle yesterday, she had expected he would wake her if he had another difficult night, but he didn’t. This morning she woke to blinding sunlight streaming through the windows and no husband in her bed.
She’d confronted him on his failure to wake her, and he insisted he did not intend to bother her in the middle of the night. She had never realized how headstrong he could be. Worse than not waking her, he’d brought up sleeping in separate rooms again.
“Sweet Mary,” Lisette said in her thick Creole accent. “What has he done?”
Eve blinked. “Pardon? What has who done?”
Amelia smiled kindly, her most unusual blue eyes sympathetic. “She means Ben, dearest.”
Lisette and Amelia exchanged a knowing glance.
Eve looked from one lady to the other. “What did that look mean? You seem to know something I do not.”
“You seem flustered this afternoon,” Amelia said. “And any time Lisette or I find ourselves in a bewildered state, usually a Hillary man is responsible.”
Eve sat up straight. “Is that true? Do you have trouble understanding Ben’s brothers?”
The ladies laughed.
Amelia winked over the rim of her teacup. “They are a complicated lot, aren’t they?”
“And mulish,” Lisette piped up. “Once Daniel gets an idea in his head, it would be easier to change the position of the North Star than to change his mind.” She grinned. “Of course, he would say I am twice as stubborn, and he might be right.”
It was difficult to believe either lady had trying moments with their husbands. They both seemed very content, and Eve had seen their husbands dote on them. In fact, Jake seemed uncommonly attentive to Amelia any time Eve had been in their presence. Her worries receded a bit.
Perhaps Amelia and Lisette faced similar issues as new brides and had either found ways to adjust or bring their husbands around to their way of thinking. Eve hoped for the latter. Her gaze shot back and forth between her visitors as she debated the wisdom in broaching such a personal topic. She needed to talk with someone, however, and confiding in her brother’s wife would be too mortifying to bear, even if Helena was a dear friend.
Amelia set her cup and saucer on the low table in front of the settee. “You needn’t be afraid to speak freely, Eve.”
Her reassurance didn’t keep Eve’s stomach from churning. Lisette regarded her kindly with her exotic green eyes.
Eve took a cleansing breath then blurted, “Ben thinks we should sleep in separate beds.” She winced. It was twice as embarrassing saying it aloud.
When she glanced up, her companions’ regarded her in stunned silence. Lisette’s jaw had dropped. Fire engulfed her and a light dampness blanketed her body.
“He suffers from insomnia,” Eve said, “and he doesn’t want to disturb me. And I’m certain he has bad dreams. I realize he is trying to be courteous, but I am his wife. I want to help him, even though he thinks he doesn’t need it. Have you dealt with anything similar in your marriages?”
Amelia blinked several times then looked toward Lisette with her elegant eyebrows raised in question. Lisette’s head shake was nearly imperceptible.
Splendid. Absolutely wonderful. Eve was alone in this one. “I am likely making too much of a small matter. Perhaps I should just allow him what he wants. I don’t like quarreling with him.”
“Oh, Eve.” Amelia left her seat to perch on the arm of Eve’s chair and hugged her. “You know Ben better than either of us. If your intuition is telling you he needs your help, you must trust it. Please be patient with him, though, and do not give up. It might take some time for him to realize he isn’t alone anymore and doesn’t have to face his troubles alone.”
Eve saw no choice but to keep trying. She had learned from watching her parents attempt to cope with Papa’s problems that loneliness and despair were the result of going it alone. She hoped Ben would come to realize they were stronger and more capable of overcoming obstacles together. And if he couldn’t reach this conclusion on his own, she did not mind giving him a gentle push. In fact, he might need a nudge in that direction tonight.
Twenty-six
Ben folded the letter he’d received from Charlotte’s brother that afternoon and dropped it on the side table as he began to prepare for bed. Mr. Davis, his man of business, had composed a letter on Ben’s behalf last week, while he had been focused on courting Eve, requesting Ben be allowed to pay the Tanneys�
� rent before they were evicted. Ben had already written twice since his return to England with similar offers, and her brother politely declined each time.
When Ben learned Charlotte’s brother was on the verge of losing the bakery in Eton and that Robert Tanney and Charlotte’s mother might be evicted, he’d wanted to help. If he and Charlotte had successfully eloped as they’d planned, the Tanneys would be his kin, and he wouldn’t allow any of his family to go without their basic needs being met. In fact, he preferred the Tanneys do more than just survive. He wanted to see them enjoy a certain level of comfort he could easily provide.
Since he hadn’t been able to purchase the building from Wellham like he’d wanted, he thought perhaps an appeal from a stranger would make it easier for Robert to save his pride and accept help. Unfortunately, Ben’s man of business hadn’t been any more successful than he had.
Robert had returned the banknote with a strongly worded refusal. With all due respect, Mr. Hillary’s assistance is neither wanted nor required. Ben could hear the disdain in the man’s letter. It had the same scornful tone Charlotte’s father had used when Ben tried to pay his respects at their home after her death.
A soft knock sounded at the doors between his and Eve’s chambers. He turned with an expectant smile as his wife entered in her night rail. It was a sweet cotton ensemble with a high collar and lacy ruffles made for sleeping rather than seduction. “Come to say good night, love?” he asked. He expected he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep any time soon since he would be wrestling with what to do about Charlotte’s family now. He was pleased Eve had agreed to sleep in separate chambers.
She approached and lifted to her toes to kiss him. Her hands rested lightly on his shoulders as her lips pressed to his. Her mouth was moist, warm, and inviting. He encircled her waist and held her close when she would have pulled away. Deepening the kiss, he teased her lips with the tip of his tongue. She eagerly opened to him, entwining her arms around his neck and pressing her body against his. He delighted in her sweet sighs and the shivers running down his back where she played with the hair brushing the collar of his dressing gown. When he pulled away, they both were slightly breathless.
“Stay with me?” he whispered.
A dazzling smile swept across her full lips. “That is why I am here, dear husband.” She dropped her arms from around his neck and eased from his embrace. Tossing another flirtatious smile over her shoulder, she moved toward the bed. She kicked off her slippers, climbed under the covers, and leaned against the pillows. Her chin lifted in challenge. “I am staying the night with you. The whole night, as in sleeping in your bed.”
His body tensed. That wasn’t his meaning, and she knew it. “We already had this discussion. For now, it is best for you to sleep in your chambers, and I will sleep in mine. There is no sense in you losing sleep too.”
“No, you had this conversation while I listened. It is my turn to talk. While you might think you are showing me a kindness, in reality you are creating distance between us. I realize you don’t see it yet, but I do. Amelia advised me to be patient and persistent, so I—”
“God’s blood, Eve! Don’t tell me you spoke with Amelia and Lisette about this.” His brothers would give him hell once they heard he’d suggested separate bedchambers. He drove his shaky fingers through his hair and stormed to the other side of the room to put distance between them. “I cannot believe you would humiliate me that way.”
“If it is any comfort, I humiliated myself too.” When he turned to argue, he expected to find her glowering or at least with her hands on her hips, but she wasn’t. Her head was tilted at a contemplative angle, as if trying to sort him out. “I didn’t intend to embarrass either of us,” she said in a small voice. “I only wanted to talk with someone, and I didn’t know where else to go.”
Splendid. He’d brought this on himself. And now he wouldn’t be able to look Daniel or Jake in the eye. “If you wanted to talk, you could have come to me.”
“Could I? I get the sense you would prefer I not.”
He sighed in exasperation toward the ceiling. He didn’t have the wherewithal to reason with her. “Tomorrow,” he said, looking at her. “We will discuss it tomorrow. Is that acceptable?”
“Yes, tomorrow sounds reasonable.” Lifting the covers, she wiggled down in the bed until her head was on the pillow and the counterpane reached her neck.
“What are you doing?”
“Going to sleep.” She closed her eyes with a self-satisfied smile.
His tension doubled. He approached, tossing his hands in the air for emphasis. “You are in my bed.”
She opened one eye. “We will discuss it tomorrow, remember?”
“Eve.”
She yawned, loudly. “Excuse me, but I’m done in to a cow’s thumb. Forgive me if I am asleep before you crawl in.”
She closed her eyes while Ben stood beside the bed, befuddled. When had his sweet, amenable wife become so tenacious?
As he stood there waiting for her to respond to his hovering, her chest began to rise and fall with steady regularity. Her face took on a soft innocence that chipped at his frustration. She was asleep already. And she looked so warm and inviting. Longing tugged at his heart. If he couldn’t sleep, he supposed he could retreat to his study below stairs or her chambers where he wouldn’t disturb her. Would he ever be able to maintain his resolve when it came to her?
Making a decision, he ripped off his dressing gown and climbed under the covers, turning on his side facing away from her. It wasn’t well done of him, but he was annoyed with himself for giving in so easily. She rolled toward him to fit her smaller frame to his and snaked her hand under his arm to rest it on his chest.
“I am still in a temper,” he lied, not even feeling as irritated with himself anymore now that her comforting softness was pressed against him.
“I know,” she murmured. “I’m sorry.”
Her answer made him smile. She wasn’t sorry to have him wrapped around her finger. No more sorry than he was to be driven to please her. Raising her hand to his lips, he placed a kiss on her warm fingers. “Good night, Kitten.”
Then, to his surprise, oblivion was claiming him as well.
* * *
Eve was jerked out of sleep by a gut-wrenching keen. She bolted upright in bed, her heart battering her ribs. Ben thrashed beside her. The sound was coming from him.
“Ben, wake up.” She grabbed his shoulder and tried to shake him awake, but he remained lost in his dreams. “Wake up, love. You are dreaming.”
His wail quieted to an occasional whimper that tore her heart to pieces.
She smoothed the hair from his damp forehead as tears sprang to her eyes. “It’s all right, my love. It is only a dream.” The mournful sound eventually died away, but he remained restless. Stretching out beside him, she continued to whisper soothing words and doling out caresses until he began to settle. His dream didn’t wake him as it had on their wedding night, and he didn’t call out this time, but she couldn’t help wondering if he dreamed about Charlotte again.
Even after his breathing returned to normal and he rested peacefully, she stroked his head and placed loving kisses at his temple. “I love you,” she whispered. “So very much.”
She couldn’t bear knowing he suffered in any way. She would carry the burden for him if it were possible rather than endure the sense of helplessness she experienced.
He was lying on his back, and she snuggled against his chest, placing his arm around her. Her hand splayed over his heart to feel its steady, robust rhythm. She could feel the strength of his heartbeat and the firmness of his chest beneath her cheek. Her husband was a strong man, built of brawn, but there was a vulnerability to him she hadn’t suspected. And she loved him more than ever in that moment.
Perhaps these nightmares were the true reason he left her bed at night, but why would he feel he had to
keep this locked away and hidden?
Whatever his motive, she wouldn’t mention tonight’s incident. She was afraid if he knew, he would use it as an excuse to push her away, and truth be told, she couldn’t stand any more distance between them. His self-imposed exile to India had been brutal for Eve, but nothing was lonelier than having the man she loved within arm’s length and still being unable to reach the place of exile in his mind.
Early morning light had begun to filter through the sheer curtains at the window before she fell asleep again. It seemed only moments had passed when Ben gently jostled her awake, but the room was aglow. She squinted against the brightness. “What time is it?” She sounded like an old toad.
Ben smiled and kissed her cheek. She caught a whiff of tooth powder on his breath. “It’s early still,” he said, “but I did not want to leave without saying good-bye.”
She groaned, rolled on her side, and pulled the covers over her head. Another long day at home dragged out before her.
He chuckled and patted her bottom. “I won’t be going far—only to my study. I am interviewing footmen, and then I have an appointment. This afternoon we will take a trip to the docks so you can see where we will be living for the next few months.”
Eve tossed the covers aside in her excitement. “Ben, why didn’t you say something last night? Alice will be in a dither if she hasn’t enough time to make everything perfect. She says it is a reflection on her.”
She scrambled from bed and swept toward her chambers to ring for her maid.
“You may extend my apologies to Alice,” he called after her. “Tell her to choose something sensible, for it is likely to get dirty at the docks.”
She paused at the adjoining doors and aimed a cheeky grin at him. “A small tip about women, my love. Telling them what to do is an exercise in futility.”
“Yes, I have firsthand knowledge,” he drawled. It was nice to see his good humor had returned this morning. He gave her a little wave, and she disappeared into her chambers.
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