“Tell them I’ll take them somewhere fun tomorrow.”
“They’re supposed to go to the circus with my parents tomorrow night and then sleep over. Do you want me to keep them home instead?”
“No. That’s not fair to them. If I get on the early flight, I should be home by nine thirty or so, depending on how long it takes me to find my luggage after I land. We’ll have all day.” I pause when an announcement comes over the loudspeaker. “Listen. I better go. I’ll text you when I know more. Hopefully I’ll be home by tomorrow morning at the latest.”
“Okay. Good luck.”
After I hang up I eat a crappy taco and wait to see if I’ll be lucky enough to get on the next standby flight. Unfortunately, I’m not. I also discover that the taco was a very bad idea, and I pop a few antacids and thumb through the abandoned copy of Time magazine that someone left on the chair next to me. When I’m done with the magazine I put it back for the next person and open my laptop. I work for close to two hours and then I’m just as unlucky when the next standby flight takes off and I’m not on it. I’m not looking forward to spending the night at the airport, but it’s almost midnight and I’m too tired to deal with checking back into a hotel. I find a seat in the corner next to a wall and I wedge my laptop in the small space between my body and the arm of the chair. Leaning my head against the wall, I doze fitfully, waking up half a dozen times. I’m the first one in line the next morning when they announce the boarding call for my flight.
I walk in the door at nine thirty, in desperate need of more coffee, a shower, and a shave; I’m way past a five o’clock shadow. The kids are eating breakfast and they fly out of their chairs and into my arms.
“Daddy!”
“Hey, guys,” I say, pulling them closer. “I missed you.”
“Mom said you’re gonna take us someplace today,” Josh says.
“Daddy might be too tired,” Claire says. “Let him sit down and have some coffee.”
“Are you too tired, Daddy?” Jordan asks. She looks at me, a worried expression on her face, lip wobbling.
Oh, I am putty in her hands, always will be. “I’m never too tired,” I say, picking her up and giving her a kiss.
She smiles and throws her arms around me, nuzzling my cheek. “Your face is scratchy.”
I give her a squeeze and set her down. “Go get dressed. You, too, Josh.” Josh slurps up the last of his cereal, sets his bowl and spoon in the sink, and follows his sister.
I sit down at the kitchen table and Claire pours me a cup of coffee. “Do you want some breakfast? Eggs?” she asks.
I take a drink of the coffee, which tastes so much better than anything I had at the airport, and nod my head. “That would be great.”
“Did you go back to the hotel?” she asks.
“No. I stayed all night in the terminal. By the time all the standby flights left it was so late that it just seemed easier to stay. I dozed a little, in a chair.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to go back to bed?”
“No. I’ll be fine.” I watch as Claire cracks two eggs into a bowl. She looks tired, too. “Did you get along okay while I was gone?”
“Yes,” she says, whisking the eggs and pouring them into a pan. “No major problems. The kids were pretty good.”
The oven timer goes off and I notice the cookies that are cooling on the baking racks that cover the countertops. “Why are you baking so many cookies?”
“Because Julia flaked on me. Today’s the bake sale for the PTO and I found out at eleven o’clock last night that she forgot to make her share of the cookies. I have to take eight dozen of them to the school at noon so we’ll have something to sell during the afternoon shift. I’ve been baking since 5:00 A.M.” Claire opens the oven and removes a tray of cookies. “Let’s get the diabetic to do it,” she mutters under her breath.
“Why’d Julia flake?” I ask.
“She claims she doesn’t remember being asked.”
• • •
Around eleven, after I’ve had a chance to shower, shave, and respond to several e-mails that need my immediate attention, I take the kids to the pizza parlor near our house. It has an indoor arcade complete with bumper cars, inflatable bounce houses, slides, and a rock climbing wall. The kids would happily spend every Saturday here if Claire and I let them. When we get back home I mow the lawn and toss the football around with Josh while Jordan plays in the sandbox. I’m deliriously tired and running on fumes. Claire returns from the bake sale around four and tells the kids to come in and take showers.
“We need to leave for Grandma and Grandpa’s house soon,” she says.
“The circus!” Josh says. “I almost forgot.” They rush inside, eager to move on to the next wave of entertainment.
I put the lawn mower away and when I walk back into the house, Claire is in the kitchen rubbing a chicken with spices and tucking lemon slices and pats of butter under the skin. Watching her slide it into the oven, I think about how nice it will be to eat a home-cooked meal and spend some quiet time with my wife, without the kids vying for our attention.
Josh and Jordan come downstairs after their showers and Claire checks their overnight bags, making sure they’ve packed everything they need and not just toys like last time.
“Bye, Dad,” they say, each of them giving me a kiss and a hug before they hurry out to the car.
“Dinner will be ready in about an hour. We can eat in relative peace,” Claire says, smiling.
I smile back. “Sounds good,” I say, rubbing my eyes. And then I head upstairs to take another shower.
27
claire
“Best behavior, please,” I remind the kids when I pull into my parents’ driveway. I carry their bags into the house and give my mom a hug. “Don’t let them talk you into buying a bunch of souvenirs at the circus,” I say. “And don’t give them too much candy unless you want one of them to throw up.”
“I think your dad and I can handle it,” she teases. She takes the kids’ bags and places them at the bottom of the stairs. “Meanwhile, you get to spend some time with your husband tonight. Any plans?”
“Just dinner at home. It’s in the oven, so I better go.” I kiss Josh and Jordan good-bye. “They’re all yours,” I say. “Good luck.”
The smell of baking chicken greets me when I walk into the kitchen. I throw my keys and purse on the counter and prepare the rest of the meal. It takes me a half hour to make the risotto, but it’s Chris’s favorite. Rummaging around in the fridge, I locate a fresh bag of salad. Perfect. It occurs to me suddenly that the house is rather quiet. I call out to Chris. No response. He’s not in the office or the family room, so I walk upstairs. He’s passed out on our bed, wearing only a towel.
When he’s asleep he looks so calm, like the demons that once plagued him are finally gone. I try to rouse him. “Hey,” I say, giving his shoulder a gentle shake. “Chris.” He doesn’t even flinch. Sleep is a basic human need, and I can hardly fault him for requiring it, especially when it’s been in such short supply, but the selfish part of me, the lonely part, wants him to wake up. I run my hand over his chest; it’s been so long since I’ve touched him, or he’s touched me, and the warmth of his skin brings back memories of a happier time. I shake him a little harder. “Chris. Wake up.” He continues to sleep. Giving up, I walk back downstairs and set a place for myself at the kitchen table. I eat in silence, giving Tucker scraps when he begs. When I’m done I put the leftovers in the refrigerator.
Restless, I slip my phone into my pocket, and grab my purse. In the garage, I slide behind the wheel, wiping away tears, feeling frustrated and mentally chastising myself for being so emotional.
I back out and crank the stereo. Sheryl Crow wants to know if he’s strong enough to be her man. I just want to know if mine will ever be awake and at home. The sun blazes in the sky, still burning brightly at
6:00 P.M., and I reach for my sunglasses, driving aimlessly, enjoying the music. After a while some of my frustration melts away. It’s nice to be out of the house, with no responsibilities.
I could see a movie; I’m starting to get used to seeing them alone. But it’s Saturday night and I don’t feel like mingling with the couples on date night. I could go to a bookstore and browse, maybe order a latte and read for a while.
Driving sounds better, though. Delilah is on the radio and sometimes the stories of lost love and heartache depress me, but tonight I feel a kinship, so I listen. My hip vibrates, but I let the call go to voice mail. I’m in no mood to talk, especially if it’s Chris feeling remorseful. But then I worry that the call was from my parents and there’s a problem with Josh or Jordan. I dig the phone out of my pocket and punch the code for my voice mail. I smile when I hear my mom’s voice assuring me that everything is fine and the kids are having a great time. “We just finished dinner and we’re on our way to the circus.” She knows me too well. I delete the message but then I’m surprised when I realize I have one more to listen to. It came in the day before, around noon, but somehow I missed it.
“Hey, Claire. It’s Daniel Rush. Give me a call when you get a chance.”
His voice mail message has sent a frisson of excitement through me. I scroll through my contacts until I find his number, and he answers on the third ring.
“Daniel? It’s Claire. Sorry I missed your call yesterday. I didn’t realize you’d left a message until a few minutes ago.” Suddenly I feel awkward calling his cell phone on a Saturday night. What if he’s sitting around with a girlfriend or something? Or out on a date?
I hear the sound of a TV in the background, but then the volume cuts out and I don’t hear anything but him. “That’s okay,” he says. “I just wanted to see if the speed limit sign was helping. I forgot to ask you about it when I dropped off the tattoos and stickers.”
“It is. The cars are going much slower. Sometimes my neighbor and I sit in the driveway while the kids are playing and watch people slam on their brakes. It’s highly entertaining.”
He starts laughing. “Oh, I have no doubt.”
“Elisa brings out a pad of paper and pretends to take down license plates.”
“Maybe you should just start issuing tickets,” he says. “Have a little fun.”
“Maybe we should,” I say.
The conversation lifts my mood and I’m trying to think of something to say so Daniel won’t hang up, when he asks, “Where are you?”
“Nowhere. Just driving.” I expect him to give me a hard time for talking on my cell phone while I’m behind the wheel, but he doesn’t.
“Alone?”
“Yes.”
“Any plans?”
“No.”
“Do you want to go for a motorcycle ride?”
The invitation catches me off guard. But instead of wondering why Daniel is asking another man’s wife to take a ride on his motorcycle, I say sure and pull over so I can program his address into my GPS.
He lives near the edge of town, beyond our subdivision where the houses are farther apart and about twenty years older. It takes fifteen minutes to get there and when I pull up he’s sitting on the front steps of a small ranch-style home. The landscape has a rural feel to it, and Daniel’s house is bordered on one side by vibrant yellow prairie grass. I park and turn off my SUV, wondering what the hell I’m doing as I open the door and get out of the car. He stands as I approach, and when he smiles at me his whole face lights up. It looks as if he hasn’t shaved in a couple of days and the dark stubble that covers his face, and the worn jeans and long-sleeved gray T-shirt he’s wearing are a radical change from the clean-shaven, uniformed police officer I’m used to; he’s absolutely smoldering.
“Hi, Claire. Hold on a second.” He goes into the house, screen door slamming behind him, and when he returns he hands me a sweatshirt. I’m wearing jeans but he points to my short-sleeved shirt and says, “You might be a little warm, but you should have something covering your arms.” I pull the sweatshirt over my head and inhale a hint of cologne and a musky, male scent that makes me think he’s worn it recently.
I follow Daniel to the garage. He pushes the bike, a Honda, out onto the driveway and shuts the door. It’s a sport bike, the kind of motorcycle where the rider has to lean forward to reach the handlebars.
“Have you ever ridden on a motorcycle before?” he asks.
“No. What do I need to do?”
“Hold on tight. Keep your feet on the pegs. Stay centered over the seat.”
He hands me a helmet and after I put it on he reaches out and buckles it, pulling it tight. It has a visor that comes all the way down and covers my face. I take the ponytail holder I’m wearing on my wrist and twist my hair into a low knot.
Daniel swings one leg over the seat, and I follow his lead. He puts his helmet on and looks over his shoulder. “Put your arms around me,” he says, and then slides his own visor down with a snap. I place my hands on his waist, feeling a ridge of muscle under his shirt. He starts the engine and grips the handlebars; his sleeves are pushed up a little and his forearms look strong, lightly tanned and corded with veins.
When we pull out onto the road he opens up the throttle and the wind slams into me. “Put your head down,” he shouts, and I do, curving my body around him, breasts pressing into his back. I hardly know him, and there’s something so intimate about holding on to him this tightly.
The winding roads lend a hypnotic feel to the ride. The trees blur as we pass by; it feels like flying. The highway narrows and becomes two lanes. Very few cars share the road with us as dusk approaches, and the hum of the motorcycle’s engine, like white noise, relaxes me. For the first time in a long time I don’t think about Chris, or the kids, or any of my myriad worries and concerns. I exist solely in the moment. Fifteen minutes later Daniel turns around, and we head back the way we came.
The sun has almost set when we pull into his driveway. He parks in front of the garage and turns off the motorcycle. My feet touch the ground, and I put my weight on one leg and swing the other off of the bike. I unbuckle the helmet and lift it off, pulling the ponytail holder out of my hair and sliding it back onto my wrist.
Daniel puts the kickstand down, takes his helmet off, and runs a hand through his hair. “Did you like that?” he asks, grinning.
I smile back at him and say, “That was great.”
He gets off the bike and I hand him my helmet. We walk toward the front steps of his house. “Do you want a beer?” he asks.
“No thanks. I don’t drink alcohol very often.”
“What do you normally drink?”
“Anything diet.”
He laughs and shakes his head. “Wow, I am zero for two. How about a bottle of water?”
“Perfect,” I say.
He sets the helmets down, goes inside, and returns with the drinks. The smell of cut grass lingers in the air and fireflies light up his yard on this sultry September evening. The stars are out and it’s a perfect night for being outside. I sit down next to Daniel and take a drink of my water.
He looks over at me and smiles. “Where are the kids?”
“They’re spending the night with my parents. They took them to the circus.”
“What about your husband?” He doesn’t look at me, just stares straight ahead, takes a drink of his beer, and waits for my reply.
“He’s at home. Sleeping.” I take another drink of my water. Daniel doesn’t comment. He nods and sets his beer bottle down. The fact that I’m here, sitting next to him, probably says a little about the state of my marriage. I don’t want to talk about my marriage though, so I change the subject. “Do you ride a lot?” I gesture toward the motorcycle.
“Yes, when the weather cooperates. Some of the other guys down at the station ride. We go out as a group sometimes.�
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“I’m surprised by how much I liked it. It was so relaxing.”
He nods. “That’s what I like about it, too.”
“How long have you lived here?” I ask.
“About a year.”
I wonder where he lived before this house. And who lived with him. “It’s nice. Quiet.”
“I like it.”
“Do you have to work tomorrow?”
“Yes. I had yesterday and today off.”
I put the cap back on my water bottle. “I should probably go,” I say. Chris could be awake by now and I’ve been gone long enough that he might actually ask where I’ve been. I have no idea what I’ll tell him.
“Okay,” he says.
He watches as I pull his sweatshirt over my head and hand it back. We walk to my car and I punch in the code for the keyless entry. It’s suddenly too quiet, and I turn toward Daniel, wanting to fill the awkward silence with words. “Thanks for the ride,” I say.
“You’re welcome,” he says. “Drive safe.”
I get in the car. Daniel closes my door and I pull out of his driveway and head back to my neighborhood.
The house is dark when I get home, so maybe Chris isn’t that concerned about where I’ve been after all. When I climb into bed he’s still stretched out on top of the covers, wearing only the towel.
The guilt creeps in like a slow-moving fog as I lie next to my husband, and it works its way into the tiny cracks in my conscience. It’s not as if Daniel and I had some clandestine meeting set up. I didn’t drive across town to join him for a secret rendezvous. But how would I feel if Chris had spent the evening with another woman, no matter how platonically? And tomorrow morning, when he apologizes for sleeping through our dinner and the first evening we’ve had to ourselves in a long time, I’m certainly not going to tell him what I did instead.
I roll over and try to get comfortable, but it takes me a long time before I’m able to fall asleep.
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