by Pentabu
Ah, Shota and… and… Sebastian?! (Inner monologue)
ME: Wait, what’s a Sebastian?!
Y-KO: When you talk about butlers, you’re talking about Sebastian!
ME: Oh no, I hate the fact that I feel like I know what you’re talking about!
Y-KO: And Sebastian is seme!!
ME: Now that I really don’t care about!!
Y-KO: What? Why? You’d rather have Sebas be an uke?
No way! Ha-ha-ha.
Sebas has always been the seme. It was decided ages ago. Too bad!
ME: I don’t care! What do you mean, “decided ages ago”?!
And it’s not “too bad” or anything to me!
Also, don’t shorten it to Sebas like it’s a nickname or something!!
What the hell? What’s the big idea?
I’m getting so tired of this, Patrasche…
Y-KO: And the Shota would have to be ***, of course!!
ME: I… see…
Y-KO: Nobody over five feet would be accepted for the job!
ME: I wouldn’t accept you.
Y-KO: The pairing has to be Sebas x Shota, right?!
ME: Why are you asking me? And what do you mean by pairing?
Y-KO: Thirteen is the juiciest age for the Shota, right?
ME: I said, why are you asking… Oh, never mind. Yes, I’m sure it is.
Y-KO: Oh, wait! But if he’s thirteen, there might be some legal issues!!
ME: I imagine there would be.
Y-KO: Dammit!! So my enemy is the law!!
Indeed.
In which case—
my enemy is you.
… Oh, and for the record? This conversation occurred at a friend’s house.
There’s a limit to how fearless one person can be.
I’m sure that every Wednesday at the butler café would be Glasses Day.
BL maidens.
2005/12/03 23:26
The other day on Fuji TV, they were airing a special report on BL maidens. (*BL = Boy’s Love)
They introduced a place called Otome Road.
It’s an area in which many fujoshi-centric businesses are concentrated,
and many fujoshi gather to spend money every day.
But why is it that despite the many “rotten” ladies and businesses there,
it’s called Otome Road? “Maiden” Road?
When I think of maidens, I get a more pure and innocent image in my head…
……
Thinking about this means I’m losing valuable brain cells.
Just after we finished watching this program.
Y-KO: I lose…
Well, I suppose that’s only a natural reaction to that.
Those people have way more experience than you. Their levels are higher.
Their stats and equipment are better. They live in an entirely different world from you.
So don’t feel bad about…
Y-KO: Okay! I’ve got to visit Otome Road!!
Please don’t say that.
Okay, personally, I’ve got no problem if you want to go alone.
Please, do go out and enjoy yourself.
Y-KO: So, where should we meet?
… Huh?
ME: What do you mean, meet?
Y-KO: Isn’t it obvious? You’re going to Otome Road, too.
ME: Why?!
Y-KO: Why… to hold my bags?
… In other words…
ME: You’re going to buy so much stuff there that you need me to hold your bags?
Y-KO: Yep, you bet.
ME: No way! I’m not going!!
Absolute refusal! Denied with all body and soul!
Y-KO: Hmph. Fine, then.
I don’t care what you say, I’m not…
Huh? I don’t have to go?
Oh, good.
Y-KO: I’ll just invite O instead, and get her to bring S along.
Please, no… Anything but that.
Don’t you hurt them!! (inner scream of pain)
ME: … I’m sorry. I’ll go. Please let me go with you.
Y-KO: Oh, you want to go? Well, okay.
And she grinned widely at me.
You conniving devil…
Now, if you’ll excuse me.
I’ve got to get going.
Otome Road~Episode I~
2005/12/05 10:41
In December, the temperature drops to where it feels like the air is stabbing your skin.
Perhaps due to this, I could feel prickling pains all over.
… No, actually, I don’t think that’s the temperature.
I feel like it’s actually hundreds of stares jabbing me all over.
… Am I just imagining things?
No, I’m not imagining things.
… It hurts.
…… The stares hurt.
……… And if I don’t meet those stares, my heart hurts.
The first couple walked through my line of sight.
They looked to be about college age. The girl seemed excited
while the boy, a step behind her, had his head drooped down.
Oops, our eyes met.
I don’t know him.
We’re just passing strangers.
However, for some reason, the instant we passed, I could see a message in his eyes.
You, too?
Why is this? It’s like I can feel his heart in the palm of my hand.
Oh, you’re only starting out… Hang tough.
Strange. Is that look in his eyes… pity?
Come back alive.
… I could feel the message pouring out of that gaze.
Aw, crap. I feel like—
we could be friends…
Y-KO: Come on! Walk quickly!
ME: Aw! I just felt like I was going to make friends within enemy territory!
Y-KO: I have no idea what you’re talking about… Ooh, here we go!
That’s right. I’m on Otome Road.
And I desperately want to go home.
In accordance with my girlfriend’s schemes, I’ve been dragged along as bag holder,
but I have to be honest—it’s rough.
This is hostile territory. It’s an away game.
To be honest, I feel like a Giants fan who just got caught in a big pack of Tigers fans.
Or some poor dumb salaryman who wandered onto the ladies-only car of the train.
If you give up now, it’s “game over” already.
Aha! I can see that jiggly-necked basketball coach now!
But Anzai-sensei…
ME: Anzai-Sensei… the stares, they hurt.
*Coach Anzai: A character from Slam Dunk. The coach of Shohoku High School’s basketball team. A former All-Japan player and a ferocious college hoops instructor. He played a rather mild role in the story, but the legendary scene in which Mitsui tearfully says, “Anzai-sensei… I want to play basketball…,” put his name into the annals of manga history.
Y-KO: Huh?
ME: … Uh, nothing. Let’s just go.
I’m ready. I’m going to fight.
I walked ahead of my girlfriend, who was equipped with a two-wheeled cart for ferrying goods, and attempted to enter the store, but she called out after me.
Y-KO: Hang on. You wait here.
ME: … Huh?
Y-KO: Look, I’m not going to be that cruel. You can wait for me out here.
See you in a bit!
Roll, roll, roll, roll…
And she disappeared into the building.
… Yes, that was very nice.
I appreciate the gesture.
But if you were going to be nice, I wish you had done that from the beginning
and not dragged me along at all.
… Hmm?
What’s this? I feel more stares.
Counter to my expectations, I had seen guys here and there,
so my presence shouldn’t be attracting that much attention.
… But wait.
Yes, I did com
e here with my girlfriend.
But she just entered that cave of monsters alone.
Which means…
I’m all alone.
A lone man.
Otome Road.
In front of a store.
What am I gonna do?
(Like Odagiri in the card CM.)
… No, wait.
I’ve got enough otaku in me to write a SEED novel.
There’s no reason I should feel timid around these people!
Yes, I have a right to be here!! (People call this emotion defiance.)
Fujoshi attacks.
You feel stares.
Critical hit!
You take fifty damage.
Fight, spell
defend, escape.
You escaped.
… I’m sorry. I can’t do this.
The stares are hurting me.
I can’t defend against them wearing these traveler’s clothes for armor.
Not to mention being left out in front of the store.
I don’t like this kinky humiliation stuff.
I run into the nearby convenience store with teary eyes.
What is this feeling?
It’s the rush of relief when you finally reach a town in Dragon Quest with just four hit points left.
I’m in town!! Woohoo!!
I made it back safely!!
That kind of feeling.
And just then…
a phone ringtone echoed throughout the store.
M—M—nurse, M—M—nurse…
All eyes gathered on me again.
They stabbed right through me.
Why?
Didn’t I change it?
Didn’t I set it back to the usual pop song?
Why am I hearing “M—M—nurse” coming from my jacket pocket?
“Tell me, Grandpa!” (in Heidi, Girl of the Alps’ voice)
It must be Y-ko’s doing. (in Grandpa’s voice)
… Enough anime references.
… As I felt the rage against the sadistic terrorist Y-ko building within me,
I checked the screen to see what text I had received.
Oh, and I immediately changed my ringtone, of course.
The message was from Y-ko, deep within the bowels of that hell forbidden to male-kind.
FROM: Y-ko
TITLE: oh crap, it’s a treasure trove
I see.
She didn’t even have time to put in a smiley emoticon.
Well, at least she seems to be enjoying herself.
As far as I’m concerned, her happiness is the main point of this excursion…
… Hmm? Wait, there’s text in the body.
FROM: Y-ko
TITLE: oh crap, it’s a treasure trove
BODY: but the stares from the people around me are painful
Well, dear, you are somewhat fashionable,
which would set you apart from everyone else here.
I’m sure that will lead to some painful glares.
But, see… Don’t you see?
It’s more painful for me, as a guy.
In a lot of ways.
Fujoshi diagnosis.
2005/12/06 22:23
In recent years, the number of secret fujoshi has risen.
My very own girlfriend, Y-ko, is a fujoshi to the core.
But many fujoshi keep their hobby firmly hidden,
and if desperate enough, their disguise is virtually perfect.
As a matter of fact, Y-ko herself appears to be a normal, sharp-tongued lady
so many people are not immediately aware of her identity.
—But.
There is a simple way to unmask these secret fujoshi.
Very, extremely simple, in fact.
You don’t even need to know anything about Kira as an uke or anything.
(*Kira: Kira Yamato, protagonist of Gundam SEED.)
You, too, can attempt Y-ko’s famed “Easy Fujoshi Diagnosis” method.
Easy Fujoshi Diagnosis: Y-ko Method
Step 1. Identify target
First, identify the target whose fujoshi-ness (or lack of) you wish to determine.
It can be a potential hookup, a friend, family member, or even your girlfriend.
However—
Please steel yourself to accept the results you receive, no matter what they might be.
No matter what the result, no matter if it should mean the end of years of love,
this is a test that requires strong responsibility. Stand up for your actions.
Step 2. Introduction
Have you picked out your target? Then please tell her the following:
“I’m going to give you an IQ test.”
You can’t tell them you are administering a Fujoshi diagnosis, as this will put them on guard.
Sell it as an IQ test to set your target at ease.
Step 3. Begin test
Now, we’re getting somewhere.
As an example, I will demonstrate this test with Y-ko.
ME: I want to you to say the opposite of each word that I say.
Whether or not you match it properly is important, but even more crucial is speed. Speak rapidly.
The speed at which you answer measures your IQ.
Y-KO: Okay, c’mon! Recognize my towering intellect!!
ME: Uh… right. Here we go… Up.
Y-KO: Down!
ME: … Right.
Y-KO: Left!!
ME: … North.
Y-KO: South!!
ME: East.
Y-KO: West!!
… Give them a series of very simple terms that can be answered instantly.
Once they are replying in rapid succession, you are going to give them the test’s only real question.
ME: Seme.
Y-KO: Uke!!
…… An instant, unthinking answer!
If the test subject answers immediately and without hesitation,
you’ve got a fujoshi.
For contrast, let’s see some examples of different answers.
The opposite of seme (“attack”) is…
“Mamori!!” (or “defend”)
This is a healthy answer. Please give your subject a gentle hug.
Whisper your love to her.
“… Mamori!”
She will probably be all right.
A toast to her for clamping down and choosing correctly.
“Uh… mamori.”
Borderline case. Don’t push her too hard.
If you try to dig too deep, you might regret the results.
“Uk… mamori!”
Slightly fujoshi. Your reaction to this news will determine your level of compassion and forgiveness.
“Uke!!”
She’s a fujoshi.
Welcome to the other side!!
If she happens to shriek “uke!!”
Please, don’t panic.
Imagine that by sharing this secret, your bonds have just grown stronger.
In fact, convince yourself of it.
Please don’t cast your eyes away from the rigors of the truth.
You’re not alone.
You are not alone.
So please… please!
Hang in there, me.
When I tried this out at a party the other day,
about half of my answers were “uke.”
What is wrong with you, Japan?
Note: In certain areas such as karate, uke is the proper contrast to seme. Use this test as a general guideline only.
Are you all aware of the word uke?
If you’re unfamiliar with the term, please stay just the way you are now.
However, for the sake of those not in the know, uke is a yaoi term that refers to the “receiving” end of a homosexual relationship, which is similar but not identical to the term bottom within the gay community. (The opposite is seme.)
Big news.
2005/12/09 01:23
While I was putting together an extremely tax
ing and annoying report,
I got a phone call from Y-ko, who was supposed to be hanging out with her fujoshi friends.
Oh, and in case you’re wondering, no, my ringtone isn’t “M—M—nurse” anymore. Fortunately.
ME: Yeah? What’s u—
Y-KO: Bonjour!! Listen, listen, listen!!
Ringggg.
C-could you turn down the volume?
ME: Sorry, could you tone it down? You’re really hurting my ea—
Y-KO: Big news!! Oh, and when I greet you in Italian, I want an Italian response!!
ME: … I’m sorry. Are you drunk? You’re drunk, aren’t you?
Plus, bonjour is French, not Italian.
Y-KO: So what? Anyways…
I hear they’re going to open a butler café!!
… What?
Really?
ME: Um, really?
Y-KO: Really!!
ME: Your source?
Y-KO: It’s this one blog called ****!!
ME: Okay, uh… Hang on a minute. I’ll check it out.
Tappity, tap, tap…
Yep.
… Really.
ME: That’s incredible!! It’s going to be a smash success!!
Y-KO: I know, I know, I know!! Yes!! This weekend’s plans are set!!
… Now you’re getting ahead of yourself.
This place probably isn’t even open for business yet.
Y-KO: Oh my goodness, it’s going to be a festival!!
We’re going to open that bottle of wine we’ve been saving, Sebas.
……
Um…
Who are you calling Sebas?
ME: Come on! We don’t even have a bottle of wine.
Y-KO: Yes we do! I’ll go and pick one up!!
ME: That’s not the same as “saving” a bottle…
Y-KO: Hey, what was it called? That one bottle that was really good…