by Pentabu
Y-KO: Hmm… Yeah, I know what you mean, but…
Can it be? Will the terrible stigma of Sebas finally be lifted from my shoulders?!
Alas, but the thought of it disappearing forever is almost… sad.
Even without Sebas, I must be strong.
Thank you for everything, Sebas… and good-bye.
Y-KO: Think of it this way…
Couldn’t an uke-Sebas work just as well?
… Hello, new title: Uke-Sebas.
No, no, no, no!
ME: Uh, I don’t…
FUJOSHI A: Oooooh!!
FUJOSHI B: What a fresh, new idea!!
ME: ……
… Their faces are sparkling.
There’s nothing I can do to stop them now…
Y-KO: I know, right?!
FUJOSHI A: You know what it’s like? One of those fish broth value packs!
FUJOSHI B: We’re having a limited campaign for our Sebas line, ladies!
ALL: Act now and get extra uke features for free!!
ME: ……… [Practically crying]
And of all things, I get compared to a value pack of fish broth…
When does the limited campaign end, I wonder?
But now I’m wondering…
ME: Is it just me, or was that a really domestic example?
Y-KO: Huh? Well, sure. I mean…
both of these girls are housewives.
One of them even had a kid.
2006.
2006/01/01 10:40
This is Pentabu, fresh into the new year and writing my Gundam novel.
I can’t help but feel that it’s a harbinger of things to come in this year.
I hope to blast my way straight through the otaku world safely and without incident.
I’m about to visit the temple with my friends from college.
New Year’s Day.
My girlfriend went home to see her parents, so I spent the evening alone.
It was very, very lonely.
Identical voice.
2006/01/04 22:52
What is the most nerve-racking event in a person’s life?
College exams? First date? Wedding?
There are many things you could name.
This month, I experienced the single most nerve-racking event of my life thus far.
It actually doesn’t have much to do with fujoshi or otaku…
But I hope you will hear me out.
January 3rd.
After a late night partying with my friends, I slept in until well into the day.
I’ll be honest—it was a hangover.
That’s my phone. Y-ko?
Y-KO: Hello!
ME: … Hello… Y-ko? What is it?
Y-KO: OO, are you at your parents? (OO = my name)
ME: …? No, I’m in Tokyo.
Y-KO: So you really didn’t go back home.
ME: …? What’s going on? Are you bored over there?
Y-KO: A little bit. So what did you eat yesterday?
ME: Well, I went to a New Year’s party, so it was mostly just deep-fried snacks.
Y-KO: I see… In that case…
ME: Yes?
Y-KO: Would you like to come over for a holiday feast?
ME: Pardon?!
Y-KO: Come on over! You can’t go through this season without a traditional New Year’s feast!
So it’s settled!!
ME: Wha… I’m sorry? I can’t!
Y-KO: …? Why not?
ME: I mean… isn’t your family going to be there?!
I’ll be super-duper nervous!
Y-KO: Oh, no sweat. No problem at all!
ME: … Why is that?
Y-KO: My parents are really mischievous.
ME: Uh, mischievous? What does that have to do with…
Y-KO: How mischievous, you might ask?
ME: …?
Y-MOM: Mischievous enough to talk to Y-ko’s boyfriend on the phone like this, I guess!
ME: …?……?!………!!
Huh? No…! Can it be…?!
Y-MOM: Nice to meet you! I’m Y-ko’s mother!
I should have known!!
Mother, there are limits to mischievousness!
Home visit~Act I~
2006/01/06 15:57
Right off the bat in the new year, I was invited over by Y-ko’s mom for a traditional holiday feast.
Since it was my first visit to her parents’ home, I decided to wear my suit.
… Something tells me I’m doing this wrong, but I’m going to go with it.
Dressing casually probably isn’t the way to succeed here.
I ran through some quick mental dress rehearsals as I sat on the gently swaying train.
I have plenty of possible situations and scenarios accounted for.
The midboss, Y-ko’s mother, seemed friendly enough. No problem there.
The real issue is the final boss, her father…
I don’t have any intelligence on him, so I just have to go in light on my feet.
Since the entire family will be there, I can probably rule out any screaming or beatings.
At any rate, Y-ko will be picking me up from the station in the car,
so we can come up with a game plan on the way there.
Know your enemy and know yourself and you can survive any battle, or so the saying goes.
The final result will come down to how much information I can gather on the final boss during the car ride.
Hang in there, me.
There is no strategy guide for this fight.
All you can rely on are your own instincts and Y-ko’s backup.
It’s time for a battle of the generations—
?: Er, is that OO?
ME: Huh? Yes, that’s me…
…?
It was an unfamiliar man who called out to me.
What’s the deal? I’ve got bigger things to deal with.
I need to start coming up with a plan before Y-ko arrives to pick me up!
This is really important! I have to leave a good impression on the final boss, her exalted father!
ME: Umm… May I ask who this is?
?: Oh, it’s nice to meet you…
… Nice to meet you?
If he’s never met me before, how does he know my name?
… Uh-oh. I’m getting an extremely bad feeling about this.
Y-DAD: —I am Y-ko’s father.
ME: Oh, I see! It’s a pleasure to meet you, sir…
Why is the final boss himself coming to greet me?!
This is moving too fast!
The final boss is supposed to come at the end!!
I introduced myself, already having a minor anxiety attack on the inside.
Wait. Chill out. Settle down.
This is an accident, but an accident that can be conquered easily with a cool head.
He must have simply been the driver on the way here.
When we reach the car, Y-ko will be sitting in the passenger seat, monitoring the situation.
She’ll be laughing at me, all freaked out about running into her father so suddenly.
… Which means we need to get to the car so I can rendezvous with Y-ko as soon as possible!!
Y-DAD: Thank you for traveling such a long way to see us. Please, do get in.
ME: Ah, th-thank you… very… much?
Why are you opening the passenger side door, sir?
All that we’re going to see is a maniacally laughing Y-ko…
… Y-ko…
…… who is not in the seat…
Nor, for that matter, is she in the backseat…
But why?
ME: Er, what happened to Y-ko…?
Y-DAD: Well, I told her to go and pick you up, but…
But…?
Y-DAD: She asked me to go instead, because she wanted to watch Satomi Hakkenden…
ME: Aha-ha-ha, yes, I see…
When your boyfriend is making his first visit to see your parents,
that’s about the last thing you would ever say.
Y-DAD: And I told her that I had recorded the show, so she could watch it whenever she wants.
ME: Aha-ha-ha. That sounds like her.
I mean, it was only just aired last night.
There’s absolutely no need to watch it at this particular moment.
ME: So how far away is the house?
Y-DAD: About thirty minutes.
Yikes!!
Y-DAD: The closest station to our house is actually two stops ahead.
ME: Really? But Y-ko told me to get off at this one…
Y-DAD: Yes, well, the plan was originally to come and pick you up herself, I think.
She probably had plenty of stuff to talk with you about.
ME: Ha-ha-ha… Well, that was very thoughtful of her…
But in that case… In that case…
Make damn sure that you come and pick me up yourself like you planned!
Thanks to this, I got to have a long conversation with her father.
Home visit~Act II~
2006/01/08 16:51
The car speeds along.
Speeding toward Y-ko’s house.
Y-ko’s father is behind the wheel.
Sitting in the passenger seat, clad in a nice suit, is me.
We are the only two souls in the car.
I am alone with my girlfriend’s dad.
This is a time of tribulation for a man.
But I was keeping the conversation moving,
saying things like, “Isn’t it cold?”
Small talk, safe little pleasantries.
Even though I felt on the verge of tears.
Suddenly, he expressed an interest in the paper bags I was holding.
I had two large paper bags cradled on my knees.
He probably assumed that I had brought some kind of present or offering.
Y-DAD: What’s in the bags? Snacks of some sort?
ME: Ah, yes. I didn’t want to show up empty-handed, so I got something at the store.
Y-DAD: Well, that’s very thoughtful of you. And two large bags’ worth, at that.
… Actually, not quite.
ME: Well, one of them is, yes… But the other one…
Y-DAD: …? What’s the other one? If it’s not some kind of snack… liquor?
ME: Er, not exactly.
Y-DAD: Not snacks, not liquor… Which means… what?
ME: … Do you want to know?
Y-DAD: Well, I am rather curious now.
ME: ……… It’s a bag full of shjo manga that Y-ko left in my apartment.
Y-DAD: …… Huh?
ME: … I gathered them all up while cleaning and figured I would give them back to her.
Y-DAD: …… That many?
ME: … Yes. She comes over and leaves them with me, because she says she doesn’t have any room for them. I was hoping there might be space for them back at your house.
Y-DAD: ……
ME: ……
Y-DAD: ………
ME: ………
Y-DAD: ………… I’m sorry about this.
ME: … No problem.
Well, I assumed it would be Y-ko who came to get me…
Then I could have handed them directly over to her.
After this bit of conversation, we had made it to the house.
I thanked her father and got out of the car.
As we walked in the front door, there was Y-ko—
Y-KO: You’re late!
… Absolute injustice.
It’s your fault for not telling me which station was actually closest.
ME: … Happy new year.
Y-KO: Happy all that. Hey, you’re in the suit! You didn’t really need to wear it…
ME: I thought it would be proper to present myself in the best light.
Y-KO: Hmm? What’s that?
Her eyes swiveled to the bags I was carrying.
ME: A little souvenir, and—
Y-KO: What is it?
Before I could finish my sentence, Y-ko had grabbed both bags away.
Y-KO: This is heavy! What’s in here?!
ME: … A little souvenir and all the manga you left in my apartment.
I gathered them all up while I was cleaning, and I brought them here.
Y-KO: Why did you do that?!
ME: You can’t just leave these huge stacks of shjo manga lying around my place.
A lot of my friends from school come over all the time.
What if they get freaked out by it?
I mean, I’m already freaked out enough.
It’s how I’d feel if I saw piles of shjo manga at my friend’s house.
Y-KO: Who cares? Let them! Let it blow their minds!
ME: I can see the new year hasn’t improved your temperament…
As we stood talking, her mother came down the hallway.
I delivered the greeting that I had practiced numerous times on the train ride.
ME: It’s nice to meet you, ma’am. I’m Y-ko’s boyfriend—
Y-MOM: Yes, dear. Come in, come in.
I was guided to the living room, and Y-ko’s father returned from parking the car.
Y-KO: You haven’t eaten yet, have you?
Y-MOM: We’ve got a nice big home-cooked feast ready!
Y-DAD: Living alone tends to narrow the range of one’s nutrition.
ME: Thank you so much…!
Wow, they’re really nice.
The food was brought out in a huge, fashionable pot.
ME: That’s a gorgeous pot.
Yes, very colorful and cute.
I can see that Y-ko’s mother picks her kitchenware carefully.
Y-MOM: You think so, too? Isn’t it nice?
ME: Yes, it’s very attractive.
And then she let slip a bombshell.
Y-MOM: It’s a Le Creuset.
ME: …?!
… Pardon?
Le Creuset?
That sounds so familiar for some reason.
As a matter of fact, the first thing that popped into my head was this man:
*Rau Le Creuset, ZAFT commander from Mobile Suit Gundam SEED. The lineage of Gundam characters wearing masks or sunglasses proceeds as follows: Char and Kycilia (Gundam) → Quattro (Zeta) → Haman (ZZ) → Carozzo (F91) → Chronicle (Victory) → Schwartz (G) → Zechs (Wing) → Jamil (X) → Harry (Turn A), and lastly, Le Creuset of Gundam SEED.
As I stood in shock, she began to describe her Le Creuset to me.
Y-MOM: It’s really quite incredible.
It won’t overcook the vegetables, and the curry it makes is just fantastic.
As she spoke, I could hear Le Creuset ranting within my head.
CREUSET: Hah… As if I would ever let vegetables overcook!
CREUSET: Curry? Couldn’t be easier… for someone like me, of course!
Y-MOM: And the heat goes right to the vegetables, so cooking is a snap. It’s a housewife’s best friend.
CREUSET: Boils like a charm, cooks curry with its eyes closed, better than any other!
There is no stopping it!
This is every housewife’s dream!
Every housewife’s desire!!
Every housewife’s ultimate fate!!!
ME: Pfft.
Y-MOM: …? What’s wrong?
ME: Coff… Kff… Ah, ahem. Sorry, nothing.
I couldn’t contain my laughter, so I stifled it with a hasty cough.
This is truly the work of a supervillain.
He’s even got unsuspecting housewives on his side.
Y-MOM: …? Well, all right, then—
And she grinned, for some reason.
Y-MOM: And it has nothing to do with Rau Le Creuset, understand?
It seems that Y-ko and her Gundam otaku brother had the same reaction to the pot that I did…
Home visit~Act III~
2006/01/10 20:33
Early in the new year—my first visit to Y-ko’s parents’ house.
then Y-ko’s unbelievable refusal to pick me up, followed by her father grabbing me on the rebound,
and ending with her mother’s aggressive Le Creuset jab—I was reeling in the ring.
Not only was I nervous as hell, my welcoming party had taken several abrupt turns.
The meal was a storm of questions about me.
To be honest, I was exhausted.
After Y-ko’s elder brother had shown up and we had shared a very awkward conversation,
I was finally allowed to escape to the safety of Y-ko’s room.
ME: So, this is your room, huh?
Y-KO: Yep. Whaddaya think of the place I spent my youth?
ME: It’s, uh… unique. Or perhaps novel is the word I’m looking for…
There could not possibly be more manga in here.
It’s a whole wall full of manga.
Y-KO: Well, thanks for the compliment.
ME: It wasn’t a compliment.
Y-KO: … Oh. Hey, look! This is my high school uniform!
She pulled a sailor uniform out of the closet.
… Why are you grinning like that?
Y-KO: Well? What do you think? Want me to wear it? Want me to wear it?!
ME: … You seem fairly excited at the prospect…
Y-KO: If you ask very nicely, I might even take it back to Tokyo with me. Hmm?
ME: Um… May I make a quick comment first?
Y-KO: Yeah, sure.
ME: I think you should probably consider your age befor—“Gatotsu!!”—gffh!
In an unbelievably quick movement, Y-ko used the hanger upon which her uniform was displayed to unleash a killer “Gatotsu” against me. (*Gatotsu = an attack used by Hajime Saito in Rurouni Kenshin.)
Her eyes flashed with murder!
This was the look of someone driven to kill!!
She caught me right in the solar plexus.
… That really, really hurts…
Y-KO: Phew… Once again, I have cut a worthless object…
ME: That’s a different character…
Y-KO: Hey, speaking of Hajime Saito, the new Shinsengumi special is nearly on! Better watch it!
ME: Are you listening to me? Besides…
I thought you were watching Satomi Hakkenden.
Yes.
Y-ko had abandoned her duty to pick me up at the train station,