“It is my purpose,” she says then walks closer to me. The closer she gets, the stronger I feel an invisible aura about her. The stronger the feeling gets, the more a certain peace takes hold of my mind. “The purpose that was designated to me by Ethan Sommers.”
“Ethan told you to make me happy? Could you please make sense already!?” I snap.
“I am sorry,” she says with a hurt expression. “I answer truthfully. Ethan assigned this purpose to me. However, my purpose is to bring happiness to all who come seeking me, not just you in particular.”
Suddenly it makes sense. “You’re Gea,” I say. “Sophia found you and she thought of you as some sort of Earth-Mother deity.”
“I am Gea and I am Sophia,” she points out with a smile. “I am Mary Wagner and I am Steven Perez. I am Michael Edwards, Susan Thompson, Megan Clark, Joaqin Rodriguez, Carl Cooper, Andrew Watson, Jeremy Bennett, Alan Torres, Anahi Garcia, Alejandra Rivera-“
“Stop,” I interrupt, trying to make sense of an already perplexing conversation. “How can you be so many at once?”
“They all came to me. Ethan brought them to me at first but then Sophia and you came to me on your own accord.”
Gestalt Emulator. It makes sense. It all makes terrible sense. “Tell me the ages of those who were brought to you by Ethan.”
“Eight, eleven, eight, seven, seven, eight, twelve, eleven, eleven-“
“Stop,” I interrupt again in horror then feel the impulse to step away from this thing when it fully hits me. “You’re the sum of the minds of all the children who died in the Controller Program. A gestalt of controller daemons.”
“I do not understand death. Can you help me understand?” the gestalt mind asks childishly.
“Michael Edwards, Alexia used to call him Mike. We saw him die the day the controller in his mind woke up. He was just an eight year old boy. Just another victim to Ethan’ disgusting experiments.”
“Death,” it says inquisitively while looking away, perhaps doing its best to process the meaning of the word. “To expire. To pass away,” it continues as if trying different definitions it can come up with. “Is this death? Do I understand correctly?”
“Yes.”
“Then you are wrong. There is no death here. Only a gestalt, in paradise.”
“This is wrong,” I counter. “Even if all those children are somehow still living somewhere in your constructed paradise, the fact of the matter is they don’t know what happened to them. They didn’t ask to be sacrificed as guinea pigs for the Program.”
“My existence is wrong? My purpose is wrong?” it asks, looking at me like a lost child.
“Yes,” I reply.
“Can you help me understand? Time inside their respective domains moves faster than real time. Each one of them will experience the equivalent of hundreds of lives long before the host encephalon collapses. Each one of them more fulfilled and joyous than the previous one. I do not understand why you would deny anyone their happiness. Please help me understand.”
“It’s not real.”
“Does it matter? You yourself wished your paradise wouldn’t end. I gave you everything you wished for. Please help me understand how the alternative is better.”
“The alternative is the truth,” I reply, still trying to hold on to what’s right but at the same time my own words feel hollow.
“The truth,” it says then the simulated park morphs and darkness surrounds me. Away in the distance, I see a light. It’s an open door and we are standing in an empty hallway. I remember this place, it feels too familiar. Without saying a word, it walks towards the door then turns to face me. Still unsure of what it expects from me, I stand there while it beckons. I take careful steps and look inside the room.
“No,” I say, stepping away from the door when I see what’s going on inside. “I don’t want to see this. Take me back,” I plead desperately.
“But why? I thought you wanted the truth?” it says with a smile. “Do you not wish to see what happened the day you were born?”
“No,” I insist and turn around. “The day I was born was the day Alexia’s life was ruined.”
“Was it?” it asks. I face it and see it is signaling for me to go through the door. There is not much of a choice. I am trapped here until it says otherwise and so I oblige. It is a small room and the scene is frozen in time as if the actors are waiting for me to witness it. On the back, there are three elevated examination chairs. Alexia is eleven years old and she is strapped to the one in the middle. On the right, her friend Mike is also bound. He was only eight that day. To the uninitiated, they would appear to be asleep. But I know better. I know they are deep inside Controller space undergoing a collective convergence session. The left chair is empty and Maya is standing next to it. Maya was sixteen on that day. Her messy hair and unkempt clothes revealed even then how badly damaged her mind had been in order for Sophia to wake up within her encephalon. She looks down as the figure next to her appears to interrogate her. It is Ethan Sommers. And he is here to see two of his test subjects die or lose their minds. Suddenly, time appears to catch up with the scene and motion returns to the room.
“What’s their status?” Ethan asks. Me and the gestalt mind stand only feet away from them but they don’t acknowledge our presence.
“They both failed,” Maya answers still looking down. Her voice trembles in fear.
Ethan sighs in frustration as he shakes his head. “Sophia, this is on you,” he says.
Maya looks up and faces him timidly then says “sir… that’s not fair. I think she did her best.”
“Obviously she didn’t or else they wouldn’t reject the symbiosis.”
“I don’t know what to say, sir. Sophia tells me everything was fine up until the point where she taught them how to build their actors.”
“And then what happened?” Ethan asks, looking down at her. Maya appears unable to look him in the eyes and turns away. Behind her, Sophia’s actor materializes and whispers something to Maya.
“How…?” I ask the entity as I face it. “How do you know all this?”
“This is a memory I picked up when Sophia joined us. It’s all hers,” it replies.
“Sir,” I hear Maya say and I face the scene again. “She says she told them the truth.”
“Why?” Ethan asks and he does so with more exhaustion in his voice than anger.
“She is sorry,” Maya continues the explanation. “They had to know their role from the beginning. They had to know they were unplanned accidents and being used as Controllers was the best you could-“
The slap to the girl’s face interrupts her explanation. Ethan stands there rubbing his hand as Maya reaches for her face and tears flow down her cheeks. I can see Sophia looking away in disgust then her actor dissolves in place, leaving Maya, her host, alone with the Director.
“You both disappoint me,” he says and turns to leave the room. “I’ll get the nurses, you go back to your cell.”
Maya nods meekly then follows him as she sobs quietly.
“I’ve seen enough,” I tell the gestalt.
“This is the truth,” it says, ignoring my request to leave. “What happened here. The truth Sophia told you which almost made you kill your sister. And yourself in the process.”
“I know,” I spit out. “Can we please just go?”
“Wait,” it says, grabbing my shoulder and gently turning me so I face the chairs. “It’s happening.”
Alexia still sleeps but Mike’s body convulses and a light foam is spilling out of his mouth. I can see the white of his eyes and the sounds he unconsciously makes disturbs me more than I think they would.
“This is the truth,” the gestalt tells me. “This is a primordial Controller rejecting its nature and choosing the real world instead.”
“Because the host-Controller symbiosis is slavery,” I say, unable to avert my eyes. “For both of us. Alexia is bound to the Control building and I am bound to her encephalon. This is no way
to live.”
“And yet you insist the truth is better than the unending paradise I offered you,” the thing that is a gestalt of dying minds tells me. I am not looking at it and somehow I can tell it still has that disturbing smile on its face.
Finally, Mike opens his eyes and he looks around the room. He then realizes he is bound to the chair but apparently his youthful hands were too small for the restraints and he pulls them out easily enough.
“He rejected the symbiosis,” the gestalt says. “He gets to live out here in the physical world for a few minutes. Do you think it’s worth it?”
I don’t have an answer for her. Mike jumps of the chair and notices Alexia then proceeds to shake her.
“Aurora, wake up!” he says desperately. I can see the trail of blood running from his nose. Capillaries in the front lobes of his encephalon have ruptured under the unnatural stress brought upon by the two minds inside fighting over control of the body. But he still stands and now he is undoing her restraints. At this point, it is the Controller who has established dominance over the physical body and when he looks at Alexia, he sees me. Alexia opens her eyes weakly and looks at him. This is when I stopped. When I saw how fighting our condition was only going to kill us both. And so, I stepped aside and our shared nightmare began.
“Maya is not even in the room,” I say. “How did you…?”
“This is your memory now,” it replies.
Before he even realizes it, Mike’s body gives out. He has finished setting Alexia free but that was his last action as he loses consciousness and collapses.
“Mike?” Alexia calls for him still dazed. She sits up and sees her friend convulsing on the floor and cries terrified. As best as she can, she undoes the straps still holding her legs then gets off the chair and kneels next to him. She gently places Mike’s head on her lap and tries to wake him up but it’s too late. Then I see myself enter the room. It was the first time I built my actor and Alexia sees it confused. Even I find it disturbing, seeing myself walk through the door, looking the same age as Alexia and kneeling next to her. I see myself whisper something to her then the actor dissolves and my sister is left alone with the body of her friend. I can’t watch any longer and step out of the room. When I open my eyes, we’re back in the simulated park I created and the gestalt’s influence over my construction engine has completely retreated.
“Do you remember what you told her?” the gestalt asks me.
“I told her it was pointless to fight it. I told her I would surrender myself to the Program,” I answer, as I face it. “That’s when I became a Controller.”
“The Controller Michael was hosting chose the truth and it cost him his life.”
“Still…” I say, trying to come up with a counter argument, shaking my head. But I find none.
“Why choose the truth? When Sophia came to me, I saw the truth. When you came to me, I saw the truth. Out there what you call the true world is but a long collection of days, each filled with pain and regret and the overwhelming hopelessness of knowing that one day you will die. Please help me understand how can anyone function without losing their sanity in this true world?”
I don’t know what to say. I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t admit the idea of accepting its paradise is not growing in me. I could have a normal childhood. I could do and experience so much. Who would judge my choice?
“Why?” I ask instead.
“You wish to know the purpose of my purpose?”
“Yes.”
“I am sorry, I don’t know. Only Ethan Sommers would know,” the gestalt replies.
“Then I reject your paradise,” I hear myself saying out of nowhere.
“I do not understand your choice. Please help me understand. Can you help me understand?”
“You have your purpose and now I have found mine. I don’t know how but I will hear from Ethan Sommers why the Program was twisted into the sick, disgusting excuse for necessary science it ended up being. And then I will kill him.”
“I see,” the gestalt says without much of a reaction. “I wish you find happiness in your purpose,” it adds.
The tear opens again as it prepares to return to the space between domains.
“Wait,” I call for it. The gestalt turns around to face me.
“Yes?”
“Sophia is a part of you now. Is she happy?”
The gestalt of dying minds returns a warm smile and for a fleeting moment, I see my friend and mentor there. “Beyond words,” it replies.
I nod then it leaves. As soon as it is gone, control of the construction engine is passed onto me. Streams open in the data background and I pick one with an exit protocol. I initiate convergence-cease directives and prepare to leave too. As I step away from my only chance at happiness, the answer to the gestalt’s question comes to me. The only possible way humans can muster the strength to walk through life is to derive it from purpose. A strong enough purpose may yield results that would make it all worthwhile and the constant horror of death drives them with the necessary urgency to work towards realizing that purpose.
Now I have a purpose beyond what was planned for me.
Now I have something to look forward to.
I wish my sister was here to see that I have now come to understand what it means to be human.
Joel
“WAIT,” SAID ALEXIA, almost losing her voice as Joel prepared to connect the interface cable to the socket on the back of her neck. The Controller was visibly shaken which made him even more uneasy, knowing all the things that could go wrong with fast-convergence. This woman whom up to a few minutes ago, he had thought of with not much else but contempt turned out to be a decent human being and not just another arrogant surfacer after all. At that moment, vulnerable and facing her own possible death, she kneeled there like a scared little girl working up the courage to comply with whatever orders she had been given. Being a Controller was apparently not such a good thing after all.
“Yes?” Joel asked.
She took a couple deep breaths then seemed to relax for a moment and said “nothing, proceed.”
“Alright,” Joel said then looked down at the unnatural titanium socket that seemed to extend deep into her head. The two flat pieces on the side she had pointed out to be antennas for wireless interfaces almost touched the raw skin around the opening. Some blood was drawn when he removed the cover, as he ripped off scar tissue blocking it but by then it had dried up already. Not wanting to drag on the operation, he brought the connector near the socket, visually figured out which way to point it, then he inserted it with a quick motion.
A strong electrical discharge ran through his hand, making him recoil more startled than in pain. Alexia’s body contorted disturbingly then fell on its side.
Carefully he reached down, kneeling to lift her head from the damp ground. She convulsed slightly for a few seconds then took a deep involuntary breath and let go slowly as her body went limp. Joel took off his gloves to check her pulse but couldn’t feel anything on her neck.
Feeling his heartbeat speed up, Joel struggled to figure out what to do. He parted her hair away from her face so it wouldn’t block the airways as he wondered if he should have stopped Alexia from undergoing fast-convergence until a squad medic was present. Pulling the cable was an option but then he stopped himself when his training reminded him it was generally not a good idea to disconnect cables out of working equipment haphazardly. Alexia was not a computer terminal but given the situation she might as well be the human equivalent. As he tried to figure out how to get her to wake up, he gently put back her head on the floor then stood up and walked to the antechamber where he found a piece of greenhouse canvas he could fold into a makeshift pillow. He returned to her and carefully placed her head on it facing up, making sure the cable connection was not being constrained.
Giving up on trying to help her by himself, he pushed a button on the suit’s radio controls and said “Captain, I need a medic in the reactor chamber.”
>
After a few seconds, the small speakers on the sides of the suit’s neck buzzed with static then Captain Solis replied to him.
“What’s going on,” Solis barked. “Report.”
“Controller Sommers is unconscious, we need a medic right now,” Joel said while he watched Alexia in hopes of seeing any signs of consciousness.
“Standby,” Solis ordered then cut off the transmission.
It would take a few minutes for them to show up and so Joel crouched and touched her neck again, hoping he had missed the right spot to check for pulse before but still he felt nothing. He then approached and put an ear close to her mouth and felt relieved when he heard her breathing. Very slowly and faintly but at least steadily. Alexia was alive and he sighed with relief as he sat on the ground and reclined on the equipment rack with his head resting right next to the glass container with the brain in it. A little bit more relaxed that she was at least breathing, he moved her limbs so she would lay on her side in the recovery position with the cable protruding from out of the back of her head free of obstructions. Once again, he moved her hair away from her face then stopped for a moment when he noticed her peaceful expression. He then sat back at his spot to wait for her to wake up.
At first glance, the Controller appeared to be asleep although the clock was ticking. She had pointed out that being unconscious for more than 10 minutes would be a certain indicator she was not going to wake up at all. Joel wondered if that meant brain death or a coma. After a brief moment, he figured there was not much else he could do for her and turned his attention to the reactor and accompanying equipment. At least he would examine the whole system while the medic showed up. He stood up and studied the chamber. The reactor was for the most part very similar to the one he had worked on back home. However, the polished, reflective sphere seemed to be slightly smaller. It was hard to tell if the narrow dimensions of the chamber created that impression. One thing this reactor lacked was the strange lure to go close and touch it. Another difference, he noted, was the chamber itself which appeared to have been dug out. The layout of the engineering levels back home seemed to have been built around the location of the natural cave that served as reactor chamber. In contrast, the smaller sphere he was looking at appeared to have been placed there. Closer to the elevators and just at the right place where cabling conduits ended. Maybe this was a later design version. Maybe that’s why there were no computer terminals, railing or mainframe equipment there. Only the floating sphere and the two network equipment racks on the sides.
Gestalt Prime Page 19