“You ever try dating at all?”
I nearly tripped, embarrassingly deficient in the dating scene. “Oh, not really. I never seem to find the time. I keep such early hours that I can’t stay out late, which makes me a bit of a bore to date, frankly. And you?”
“Not lately. Between being a single parent and my odd work hours, I’m in the same boat as you.”
We shared a smile. Lord knew how much I wanted to be in the same boat with him…
Declan was the sole object of my thoughts as we continued our walk in silence. Once we reached the boardwalk area, I paused to offer Hamlet to Katie. “Would you like to hold Hamlet now?”
Her eyes grew big. “I’d be honored.”
I laughed, then carefully handed Hamlet and his lead over to her, perching him on her shoulder. “Hold the lead tightly, now.”
Katie nodded dutifully, having practiced holding him properly before.
With Hamlet perched on her shoulder, Katie walked ahead, displaying the exotic bird to random passersby. She seemed to enjoy the attention just as much as Hamlet, and she was quite informative to anyone who’d listen to her.
“His species originates from Africa,” she’d tell anyone who’d listen. “He can learn over a thousand words and even do a bit of math. Just make sure you wash your hands after, if you’re going to pet him.”
Katie seemed right at home as Hamlet’s presenter, and I really had to marvel at how far she had come along. And to think during the first weeks of school she was the shyest kid in class.
Hamlet was in his element here, and I knew of no other creature who loved attention as much as he did. We were so different, Hamlet and I, and yet we had become integral in each other’s lives. The thought gave me hope that if Hamlet and I could bond, then perhaps it wasn’t impossible that I form a similar bond with someone else. Someone who had entered my life out of the blue but had already found his way into my deepest, darkest thoughts.
A while later, Katie asked for ice cream and Declan was happy to indulge her.
It was sweet really, the way the poor man couldn’t seem to say no to Katie when she flashed that bright smile at him or widened her doe brown eyes.
I watched as Declan stood in line at the ice cream stand while I waited with Katie. Declan wore tight jeans, and I allowed myself the pleasure of running my eyes up the length of his body. The long strong legs encased in the blue denim provided much to see, and I felt a blush creep up into my cheeks. For a moment I forgot to breathe as a very vivid image slipped into my head.
In the image, Declan was naked, gloriously so. Broad-chested with defined muscles, I could see it all in my mind. My mental gaze crept lower and lower. My breath quickened as Declan’s curly hair came into view and my gaze went lower still.
I was almost there when I heard him clear his throat.
There Declan stood towering over me with an ice cream cone in his hand.
“Oh,” I said, returning to reality. I turned to Katie and held my hand out. “Let me hold Hamlet so you can have your ice cream.”
Katie gladly handed the bird over, about to grab her ice cream when I said, “Now, now, Katie, did you forget what you’ve been preaching to everyone else?”
I handed her a small bottle of hand sanitizer I kept on me because of Hamlet.
Katie frowned at me for a bit, then her eyes lit up in realization. “Oh yeah! Gotta make sure my hands are clean.” She accepted the bottle and turned her back to us as she thoroughly cleaned her hands.
I smirked at Declan. “This has been fun, wouldn’t you agree?”
Declan returned my smile. “It has. I hope we can do more things like this. It’s been great.”
A warm and fuzzy sensation washed over me when he confirmed he felt the same.
We sat on the beach wall and watched the waves and the setting sun for a bit. It was so relaxing and would soon become one of my favorite memories.
Since it was Fall the sun would set pretty early. The air was cool and dry. Eventually it would be almost too cool for an ice cream on the boardwalk. When that happened, the vendors would offer hot chocolate and even roasted chestnuts, even though in Southern California it never got that cold.
I turned to Declan and watched his blue eyes glimmer in the setting light. He seemed deep in thought, so I asked, “What has you so quiet?”
He shook out of his reverie for just a moment. “Oh, I was thinking about being out on the ocean at this time, and seeing the miracle that happens after the sun completely sets.”
“What miracle?”
“The brightest starry sky you could possibly imagine. It blew my mind the first time I saw an ocean sky. When there is no light contamination from the city, you see everything. It’s unreal.”
“So how does a fireman get to see an ocean sky?” I inquired.
“I wasn’t always a fireman. I did a brief stint in the Coast Guard. The call of the ocean made me join as a kid. I would have stayed out there, but it’s a very hard job, and I wanted to settle down.”
There seemed to be no limit to all the interesting experiences Declan had on me. I could only imagine what the ocean sky looked like. “It sounds amazing. I don’t think I’ve ever really seen the night sky in its full clarity.” I thought about it. “Well, I have taken my students on field trips to the observatory in the mountains though. We checked out the planetarium, which is probably the closest I have been to seeing the sky you described.”
Declan considered it. “Planetariums are amazing, but an ocean sky gives you a more rounded experience. The sea air, a gentle breeze, the lapping of the water against your boat. It’s the most peaceful thing I have ever experienced. Maybe one day I could take you out there.”
My heart quickened at the offer. “I would like that very much.”
Just then Katie chimed in, apparently having finished her ice cream cone. “Daddy, how come you never take me out on the water to look at stars?”
Declan patted her head. “When you’re a stronger swimmer, we’ll go out together. I promise.”
We began heading back, not saying much now since Katie suddenly got tired after finishing her ice cream cone. Once we reached the school parking lot, Declan and I paused as we tried to figure out how best to part ways.
“Well,” I began. “It was nice. I’ll see you two later.”
“Have a good night,” Declan said, peering into my eyes for just a moment before turning and walking Katie back to his truck.
The way my mind was already racing, I wasn’t going to be getting any sleep tonight. As if he could read my thoughts, Hamlet started bobbing his head up and down in what seemed to be agreement.
Chapter 9
Declan
Katie was exhausted. I had realized it sometime during our walk back to the school, and on the drive back home I called to order pizza. My timing was perfect, as the food arrived about five minutes after we did.
I hid a smile all through dinner as I watched Katie struggle to keep her eyes open while she chewed. Part way into her second slice she gave up the battle and plopped her head on the table.
I gently picked her up, climbed the stairs, then tucked her into her favorite Barbie sheets, figuring she was fast asleep.
But I realized that was definitely not the case when I backed away from her bed and noticed her eyes crack open. Seeing that my work wasn’t done yet, I did the usual and searched her desk for a book to read to her.
“No book tonight, Daddy,” Katie said and I paused.
Well, this was a first. Normally Katie always insisted on at least two stories before bed, and sometimes even weaseled her way into getting me to read her a third story. But tonight she wanted no bedtime tales and I figured there had to be a reason why, so I walked back over to her bed and waited for her to tell me what was up.
“Bedtime stories are for babies,” she complained bitterly.
“But you’re my baby,” I pointed out reasonably.
“True. And Mommy’s baby too. Can I ask you
something, Daddy?”
I nodded but somehow I already knew. Katie didn’t often speak of her mother, which was a small blessing as in the past such conversations this late at night would give her nightmares. But I wasn’t about to discourage her from talking as she had insisted she was a big girl now.
“Do you think Mommy is in heaven right now, looking down on us? Does she think I’m a good girl and do you think that she misses me?”
“I’m sure she does, baby. I’m sure she does.”
“Yeah, I believe so too. Can I ask you something else, Daddy?”
“Sure, baby.”
“I had another father before you adopted me, right? Do you think that he misses me too?”
I hesitated. Now that was a tricky question and I wasn’t sure how to answer. When I had adopted Katie, there had been no father listed on her birth certificate and my efforts to unearth who the father was had been futile. But would she understand all that if I tried to explain it to her?
I smiled, reminding myself that she claimed to be a big girl now so it was at least worth a shot.
“The truth is, Katie, that when I got you as a baby we were never able to learn who your father was as your mom had passed away before she could tell us. But I am absolutely certain that if he’s out there and he knows about you then he must miss you a whole lot. I know I would.”
Her eyes were pensive as she looked at me, seeming to let my words sink in. Then she smiled in that Katie way of hers that tugged at my heartstrings, and I knew then that I had somehow said the right thing.
“That’s okay, Daddy. You’re the best father in the world anyway, but sometimes I just wonder about him. That’s all.”
I bent to kiss her, smiling when she snuggled closer and hugged me in an attempt to pull me down so I would fall asleep with her.
“Oh no,” I whispered. “I know what you’re trying to do and I won’t fall victim to it tonight. Plus, you’re a big girl now, right?” Katie hesitated then nodded. “You’ve already broken my heart by saying you don’t need me for bedtime stories, and I imagine that soon you won’t be needing me to tuck you in either.”
“Nuh uh,” she murmured sleepily. “Tonight I just wanted to talk but tomorrow we’ll read a whole book, I promise.”
I laughed softly and pulled up her covers before I left the room.
I entered my own room and laid down for a bit, but I knew I was too restless to fall asleep right away. It was almost a relief when the phone rang a few minutes later and stirred me from my thoughts.
Caller ID revealed that it was my mother, and I couldn’t help but grin. I swear my mother was psychic or something, because she always knew just when I was troubled and in need of advice. She never failed to call me when I needed her most.
“Mother,” I answered, trying to suppress the mirth in my voice.
“Declan. What’s wrong?” she asked.
“Not a thing. Would you believe it if I said that everything was fine in my world and that your timing was off?”
She snorted. “You’re my only child and I know you a lot better than that. So come now, what’s the matter this time? Is it a man?”
She paused, waiting for me to answer, but I held back. She pressed further, “I’ve been hoping you’d meet someone for a while now. What’s his name?”
I frowned as I wondered if my mother had installed a listening device on my phone. Either way, it was pointless to try to hide anything from her. “His name is Ivan,” I said. “He’s a very nice man. Smart, educated, amazing with kids. The works.”
“And handsome too, I’m sure,” she suggested, and I rolled my eyes.
“Yes,” I admitted. “That may also have a little something to do with it. But there are some conversations I’m not about to have with my mother regardless of how accepting she has always been of me.”
She laughed, enjoying my embarrassment.
Too bad the same couldn’t be said for both of my parents.
Ever since I had come out, my relationship with my father had been strained. It wasn’t that my father acted differently toward me, but I had sensed a tension between us that had not abated over the years.
I was grateful to at least have my mother’s support though, and her acceptance had held me steady in the initial phases.
“Okay, I’ll stop embarrassing you now,” my mother said. “I’m just glad you met a smart and handsome man. So the only thing left to be asked is why you haven’t put a ring on it yet?”
“Mother,” I groaned. “We haven’t even gone on a proper first date yet. Be patient.”
“Well, all I’m saying is don’t take things too slow. I know you’ve gotten very cautious since you adopted Katie, but if he’s great with kids, what’s the hold up?”
I sighed. If only it were that simple. “Ivan and I need to be careful. He’s Katie’s English teacher, so that complicates things a bit.”
“Excuses, excuses,” my mother muttered. “All you’re doing by holding back is prolonging your torment—and keeping me up at that! You know I can sense it when your emotions are in a tizzy.”
“Okay, Mom. I’ll take that into consideration. Now let me sleep.”
“No, you let me sleep! Love you.”
I laughed. “Love you too.” I then hung up and plopped down on my bed.
Mother always made it sound so simple, as if everything would automatically fall into place.
Sure, we would be so good together, there wasn’t any denying that.
If I didn’t have Katie to factor into the equation, I knew what my decision would be. It wasn’t rocket science, really. Ivan was beyond attractive, and our personalities fit together perfectly.
I could imagine what sex would be like with Ivan, and the thought of having my hands grip all over the flesh I yearned to touch was enough to have me at attention.
Well, hell.
If I was already hard and in the mood, then I might as well touch myself.
I allowed it to build, both the desires and the imagery, until the vivid fantasy of me buried in Ivan slowly took me to crescendo. It was too hot, the way I saw us move together in my mind, the feel of silken flesh between my fingertips, of hard muscles bunched together that I embraced with my lips and tongue as Ivan moaned and came apart for me.
It was Ivan’s name in my head when I fell asleep sometime later.
Ivan.
I slept soundly after.
Chapter 10
Ivan
Someone should have warned me about the dangers of falling into a routine with another person and planning my days around the moment that we would be together again.
But no one did and by the time I had realized that the routine between me and Declan was firmly established, it was far too late to take all the stolen moments back.
It was a curse, the way my thoughts were fixated on Declan although I had seen him just yesterday when all three of us had gone out for Sunday brunch together.
Between the two of us, there were so many unknowns, so many things that we dared not talk about as if saying them would make them real. And so like all the other times together, we had laughed and talked and kept it casual while my innermost thoughts raged.
I wanted Declan and missed him something awful as I counted down the seconds until I might see him again.
Today, the sitter would pick Katie up from school after tryouts so there would be no Declan to come into the classroom. No Declan to remind me of just what it felt like to be perched dangerously on the edge of either crashing to the earth or soaring through the sky.
There would be no Declan to sit across from me while I focused on his lips as he spoke.
He wouldn’t be there to rest his chin in his palm and cock his head to one side as he looked at me in a penetrating way that made my nerves tingle.
It was almost as if the very moment I had decided I wanted him around and had made a conscious decision about it, the universe had conspired that we should be apart. I was dying with impatience for t
ime to quickly pass.
*
Today was one of the longest days of my life. As the hours slowly dragged on, I wondered what Declan was doing.
He was probably somewhere in the fire station joking around with the other hot guys as they exchanged stories on how their weekends had gone. Would Declan speak of me in a vague sort of way, mention that he had an enjoyable day with a friend?
Would he even go so far as to describe me as a romantic interest?
I didn’t know, that was the thing.
I had been so timid thus far and never once lead the conversation to the things I wanted to know the most, such as if Declan was open about our relationship or not.
The fact that Katie was normally around was the justification I clung to, but I knew it was a lame excuse. Because after having spent my entire adult life as a teacher, I knew more than anyone that there were ways to discuss certain things around even the keenest of children without them catching on. Plus with Hamlet around, Katie was generally oblivious to all else around her and I knew I could have always brought up the topic.
But I didn’t.
I had been a coward, still stuck in the realms of not knowing and wondering.
It was a Monday morning and although I should’ve been focusing on simplifying the final script for the play tryouts today, my mind was on things that had nothing to do with school. Of course my mood tended to be the most reflective and distracted only when I had a deadline closing in.
Not only were the unspoken questions bothering me, but I still found it so surprising that it was a man I yearned after. How could I have gotten into my thirties and not realized before that I was attracted to other men?
Had the signs always been there and I disregarded them, or had I genuinely never known? It was odd to think there were still things I didn’t know about myself.
By the time the day was over I was a nervous wreck. I managed to keep it all suppressed and finish the class without a hitch, but it was getting more and more difficult. To make things worse, my work wasn’t complete. I still had to assist in the play tryouts.
Uncaged Hearts Page 5