Impersonate an ambulance dispatcher to order more paramedics when all available ones have been eaten.
Use a small amount of speech with one human to negotiate his way into a situation where there will be additional humans (gaining entrance to a building, etc.).
Use a word or two to operate voice-activated doors or machines, provided this will lead them closer to actual humans.
Utter just enough speech to appear human when appearing to be a zombie would be a disadvantage (i.e., hiding; this is rare behavior, and only the highest-functioning zombies ever do it).
Moan to indicate its presence to an unsuspecting human. (This is usually done to corral quick-moving humans into more manageable locations.)
The important thing to note here is that the speech is a means to an end. There’s no: “What’s up, dude? How was your day? Eaten anybody good recently?” Forget that noise. A zombie talks for a reason, and so should you.
There is, after all, a certain gravitas to the speech of a zombie. Not that it’s eloquent or pleasant to the ear. In fact, it is neither of these (and, come to think of it, probably a good example of the opposite).
But when zombies do talk, people listen.
If a zombie opens its mouth, some important stuff is about to go down, that, probably, you should know about.
If you want people to take you seriously when you talk, then make like a zombie and keep your trap shut 99.9 percent of the time. Then, when you do talk, they’ll listen as if their lives depend on it.
Zombie Tip:
Grunt softly, and carry your own arms should they become detached.
Not that zombies care about being called litterbugs, but you never know when arms might come in handy, you know?
8
Nobody Likes a Player-Hater
Maybe you’re a popular, successful person. Bully for you, right? But being popular and successful doesn’t mean you don’t have problems.
Especially smack-talk from others who are envious of your success.
As the most popular and successful creatures of the netherworld, zombies know all about this. They’ve felt the stinging barbs of envy from all quarters. But they never let it get them down. When you look at a zombie’s cohort of competitors (the ones that be hatin’ on the zombies), the reasons for their envy become clear. Let’s do a quick comparison:
Zombie
At the top of its food chain. What biologists call a “superpredator” (nothing eats it; it eats everything). Implacable. Virtually unstoppable. Never fazed, even by the harshest of environments. Never complains. Never falters. Once it sets its mind on something (like eating brains) nothing’s going to dissuade it. Clearly, we have much to learn.
Werewolf
Essentially, a person with an inconvenient medical condition. Turns into a murderous wolf when the moon is full. Often goes to great lengths to conceal who he or she truly is. Lives a life based upon deception. Vulnerable while in human form. Often displays shame, regret, and substantial misgivings about his or her wolfier aspects. Basically, a conflicted neurotic who is dangerous to be around once a month.
Vampire
Gayer than gay. And while scientists tell us that approximately 10 percent of the vampire population should be perfectly okay with this (even finding it “fabulous”), the remaining 90 percent are going to spend their entire afterlives struggling with insecurity about their lack of heterosexual characteristics. They’ll need desperately to compensate and “show off” for the opposite sex by turning into bats and sucking people’s blood, which will just make it seem like they’re trying too hard—and will lead some to wonder who exactly they’re trying to convince (like, I dunno, themselves?). Vampires also have numerous, well-known weaknesses (stakes, garlic, dressing like a flamboyant stagehand). Most importantly, a vampire can only move around at night, making it, at best, half as effective as a zombie. In summary, an insecure fop with numerous limitations.
Mummy
The poor man’s zombie, mummies have many of the limitations of zombies, with few of the qualities that make zombies so tactically superior. While mummies are, like zombies, reanimated corpses, their province is usually limited to the inside of tombs. And while a zombie is a fleshattacking, brain-eating dynamo, going after anything and everything in its way, a mummy is usually concerned only with a handful of explorers who have “defiled a sacred burial urn” or who have been “cursed” by an Egyptian priest. While a zombie is seldom sated, even for a moment, a mummy usually returns to the slumber of the tomb once it has revenged itself upon the offending person or persons. Mummies are limited in scope, and fundamentally lack ambition in their projects.
Ghost
Ghosts are just annoying.
The Bogeyman (“Bogeymen”)
What, are we five years old now? Seriously ...
Despite their obvious superiority, and the corresponding envy of others in their chosen field, zombies carry themselves with a modest dignity. Zombies do not deign to respond to those who would begrudge them their successes. A zombie does not allow himself to be provoked.
A zombie is wise enough to know that just the fact of being a zombie itself is the most powerful rebuff necessary.
Zombie Tip:
Be a lifelong learner.
Zombies are constantly finding ways to adapt and improve themselves, and you should too. Whether it’s becoming more aerodynamic by molting off its skin, teaching itself new ways to cross flaming drawbridges and navigate rows of spikes, or learning to recognize and avoid anti-zombie concussion mines planted by government shock troops, zombies are the very picture of a lifelong commitment to self-improvement and education.
9
Strength in Numbers
We’ve all heard that story about the coach who told each of his players to go out to the woods and bring him back a twig. When they did, the coach took the twigs and broke one of them to show the players that individually they were weak and could be broken. Then he bound all the twigs together and showed that he could not break them when they were bound. This illustrated to the players that if they stuck together as a team, they were strong and no one could break them. What they forget to tell you is that later that night, as he slept in his bed, that coach was eaten by zombies. Even so, his story makes a good point about having strength in numbers. It’s a point not lost on zombies.
Usually, a zombie’s chief asset is that he is one of a number of zombies who are descending upon a certain locale. A zombie tends to be part of a group. Where you find one zombie, you will usually find others. Being part of a horde that can infest a town or village has several advantages, all of which zombies have learned to use.
Let’s be honest. Most humans can escape from a single zombie with ease, just by running away. Zombies are slow. Zombies stumble. Stay a few paces ahead of a lone zombie and you’re going to be fine.
However, if zombies are suddenly everywhere, in every direction, infesting an entire town or a significant portion of a city, then “running away” is almost an impossible task. If you run, you’ll just run into more zombies. This realization usually leads humans to the second stage of their reaction to a zombie invasion, which is barricading. As has already been remarked, unbeknownst to the human(s), this works directly to the zombie’s advantage.
You almost never hear terrified humans uttering cries of “zombie!” Rather, it is “zomBIES” that they fear. A small difference on the page, but a vital one in real life.
A single piranha fish would be unpleasant to encounter, but it is not nearly as alarming as the feeding-frenzy that goes hand-in-hand with a group of piranha fish. Same idea with bees or wasps. The danger is that one has stumbled, not upon one, but into a group of them.
So it is with the zombie.
Humans may cry out in fear when they see a ghost. Or a vampire. Or an abominable snow monster. But a zombie? A single, lone zombie? Not so much.
Zombie Tip:
The group that flays together, stays together.
Make sure you take time to incorporate bond-strengthening activities into your life, whether it’s taking the kids to the zoo, having a round of frisbee golf with the bros, or hunting down and consuming frightened villagers. Bonding is important.
It isn’t clear that one zombie necessarily inspires fear in humans. Under some conditions, a single zombie is even regarded with curiosity. It is little more than a puzzling anomaly—something to be captured and possibly studied in a lab. You can run away from a zombie whenever you get bored with it. You can leave a zombie unattended and have a good idea of where it will be later based on how fast it moves.
On the other hand, an alarmed cry of “zombies!” instills a deep, creeping fear that the barricades have already been compromised. Zombies in the plural will require something in the area of a very large government/military task force if they are to begin to be managed or subdued. “Zombies” implies a contamination that has saturated through an area. It says: “We’ve got zombies, ladies and gentlemen, right here in River City.” It’s a befuddled doctor checking his charts again and again because he can’t believe what he’s seeing. Diagnosis: zombies! The infection is here, all around us. The canary in the coal mine is dead, and nowhere is safe.
Remember:
There’s only two things that humans wouldn’t want to see more than one of ... and zombies is both of them.
It should be noted that lone zombies have been successful in their quests to obtain human brains under certain controlled conditions (being trapped alone in a locked house with one or two potential victims, showing up in an airplane or on a moving train, hunting victims in enclosed places like caves), but this should be regarded as the exception and not the rule.
10
Remember That Assholes Tend to Get Their Comeuppances (Frequently, at the Hands of Zombies)
We’ve all got people we don’t like: in-laws, work supervisors, probation officers ... I’m sure I don’t have to tell you, the list goes on and on. You might have fantasies about revenging yourselves on these jerks who make your life so annoying. Don’t. Instead, leave it to zombies. They have a way of righting wrongs, and usually with a delightfully satisfying degree of poetic justice.
Like okay, let’s say there was a pretty girl in school who was mean to all the ugly girls. Including you. It might be fun to imagine throwing a flask of acid in her face or something similar, but that only leads to litigation. Better advice? Leave it to the zombies, girlfriend. Dollars to doughnuts, before the movie’s over, some zombie is going to at least bite off her nose. At least her nose, guaranteed. Maybe the whole face, but I’m not promising anything. My point is, zombie attacks are like an act of god. If it happens, it happens. Nobody’s fault. And if the pretty girl was chasing you, maybe while chanting “Sarah-has-a-unibrow” over and over again, and you just happened to run into a secret labyrinth populated by zombies ... Well, nobody’s saying you did it on purpose, right?
Right ... ?
Or what if you’re an Ivy-League anthropologist who has run afoul of a Haitian voodoo priest? Sure, it hurts when he sticks those pins in that doll he made to look like you (with the cute little cargo pants and the faded Columbia University T-shirt). I know it does, believe me. Those pins hurt. You don’t have to tell me. And when he haunts your dreams with visions of your own demise at the hands of unspeakable terrors from the jungle’s darkest depths ... that pretty much sucks too. Don’t worry, though. Zombies have your back, bruh. They have a way of showing up just when you’re tied to some sort of altar and the voodoo priest is getting ready to do some ritual to your hypnotized girlfriend that involves at least partial nudity. Suddenly, bam! The zombies that same voodoo-priest summoned like way earlier for some reason (that you totally forgot about) come crashing through the walls of the hut, fucking him up and totally saving the day. (Voodoo priests have notoriously tasty brains, so he’s damn straight being eaten first, just giving you and your lady-friend time to escape.)
Zombie Tip:
Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched . . .
or your zombies before they’re fully reanimated. Listen up Mr. Mad-Scientist-Warlock Voodoo-Priest Guy. I’m talking to you. Zombies move at their own pace, and they reanimate when their good and ready. So just be patient and thankful for the corpses that do turn into zombies.
Or maybe you’re a talented New England painter, unfairly alienated from the mainstream art community because of your ghastly renderings of monstrous corpse-like entities that surge out of the ground late at night to feed on unsuspecting Bostonians. True, your first impulse might be to rebuff your critics by producing photographic evidence (from life!) of these creatures and causing a city-wide zombie scare, but there’s no need to be so hasty. Experience shows that you can count on zombies to even the score without any prompting on your part. Like the self-important owner of an art gallery who totally trashed your work, saying he just didn’t “get” it ... Remember him? Well he’s going to “get” eaten by zombies the night before a big gallery opening for some pretentious painter who’s half the artist you are. (And probably, the gallery owner’s guts will get splattered on a blank canvas that just happens to be around, making some sort of ironic statement about what passes for art these days.)
So take a lesson. When people get all up in your grill, just let it go man.
A higher power is watching and keeping track of what’s going on and who is being a jerk to whom.
And zombies are his messenger.
11
Winners Don’t Use Drugs
And nobody’s a bigger winner than a zombie, right?
Zombies have important things to do. Zombies can’t be bothered by the allure of narcotics. Besides, most drugs are a bad fit for a zombie’s personality. Consider:
Marijuana
Leads to relaxation and stupor. Zombies are already relaxed and stupefied.
LSD/Mushrooms/Psychedelics
Look, a zombie’s world is pretty “fucked up” as it is. He’s a reanimated corpse on a quest to eat somebody’s brain, dragging his deteriorating body through a world filled with hostile entities who attack him on sight. If you need a hit of acid to make that any cooler than it already is, then dude, I just pity you.
Amphetimines/Meth/Cocaine
C’mon, who ever heard of a twitchy, garrulous zombie? (Answer: no one.) I mean, get a zombie on coke and all it’s going to do is talk your ear off about how much it likes brains, right? And you knew that already, so what’s the damn point? In addition, drugs in this category tend to be appetite suppressants, which is antithetical to the primal cravings zombies feel. Suppressing that hunger would just be wrong.
Opiates/Heroin/Pain Pills
There is not good evidence that zombies feel (or CAN feel) pain. By the same token, the mechanism by which pleasure would be felt from the ingestion of opiates seems, likewise, to be blocked. Until the drug companies cook up something that makes you feel like you’re eating a human brain, zombies aren’t going to be doctor shopping or stealing prescription pads anytime soon.
Zombie Tip:
Hunger is the best cook.
A little suspicious the way some people have to “spice things up” to get interested, isn’t it? When you’re really hungry for something, you don’t need it spiced up. It tastes just right as it is. Whether it’s a timeworn culinary dish or a timeworn romantic partner (or a living human brain), if you’re not interested, the problems likely go too deep to be solved by extra paprika or some Victoria’s Secret underwear. On the other side of the coin, when you’re hungry for a certain something (like a zombie always is) no “spicing up” is ever necessary.
Despite the above, you mustn’t think of zombies as prudes or teetotalers (and certainly not as uncool nerds—zombies are cool as hell). Zombies are all about feeling pleasure, but pleasure, for them, doesn’t come in a Ziploc baggie or a balloon up the ass of a drug mule. Zombies know what they want in life (brains), and they just go out and get it. They don’t have time for the distra
ctions of narcotics. They’re too busy living their dream.
Zen Of Zombie (Zen of Zombie Series) Page 4