by Leaona Luxx
“She’s beautiful, Alden. They say she’s doing great.” Her thumb rubs circles in my hand. Such a simple thing offering so much comfort.
“So what’s the lawyer in you tell me to do?”
She sighs. “I have a list.”
“Of course you do.” I rub my cheek into the top of her hair.
“You’re gonna be alright, I promise.” She answers every silent thought I’ve had over the last few days.
“How long has it been?”
“You’ve only slept a few hours.” She releases a heavy breath.
“Well, I guess I need to get started.”
She holds me back when I try to move. “We have time, it’s six in the morning.”
We sit there, her holding onto me, letting me know I may feel alone but I’m not. Once things open we get to work making plans for their services and where to have them.
“It looks as though Shelley was set but Cid didn’t have much. The baby will get assistance due to their deaths and at some point, you’ll get insurance money.” Reese reads the list we’ve made so far.
“The money they have in the bank will cover Cid’s service. If so, I want to keep them here. There’s no one back home, and we’ll be here.”
“I agree. We need to find a funeral home and a cemetery,” Walker adds. “I’ll call Mom, Sallie and Silas are in the same one. Chord’s just getting the girls home, so I won’t bother them.”
“You still need to file the correct papers for everything and let Shelley’s work know. There’s also the college, we should tell them. You’ll also need to clean out their house or at least get the baby’s things,” Reese says.
“Most need obituaries to process anything, so we’ll take care of everything until it’s straightened out,” Walker says as Reese takes his hand.
“And this is why I love you so much.” She kisses his cheek. “One more thing before we get started. The hospital called, she needs a name and they need notification of your legal rights as guardian.”
“They have a will, I guess it’s in their safe deposit box.”
“Let’s get that and anything else we need from West Virginia today.” Walker nods.
“How can we do all of this today?”
“Lea,” Reese smiles, “we have anything she owns, or we need at our disposal.”
I take a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves. “How do people do this alone?”
“I have no idea.” Reese takes my hand. “And you need not to worry, you have me.”
By noon, we’re on a plane to West Virginia. Walker informed the hospital where to take Cid and Shelley after we spoke with the funeral home and cemetery.
Between Reese and Walker, everyone’s working with us. The funeral home sent papers to Cid’s bank and sent me copies of everything I need to get things rolling. The first stop was to get their Will and Testament.
I notify West Virginia University and Brook Street, Shelley’s work, about their accident. They’ve been amazing to work with and have gone out of their way to help. To the point of expediting Shelley’s insurance.
I stand on the stoop of our family home, overcome by waves of emotion. “I want to keep it if I can.”
“I’ll make sure you do,” Walker assures me.
“Let’s get what we can, and I’ll come back for the rest. We need to make sure it’s secured, and I’ll need to get a caretaker.”
“It’s on the list.” Reese holds my hand as we walk up the steps.
I roll my shoulders and unlock the door. We pack the baby’s things and get any important documents and pictures. A few hours later, we’re out the door and on the way home to finish their arrangements.
On the plane, Reese brings up the baby again. “So let’s name this baby.”
“Cid said they had a name but was going to surprise me by telling me this weekend.” My mouth drops when I realize what this weekend is. “The festival.”
“Do you want to do it?” Reese frowns.
I shake my head. “No, but can I get out of it?”
“Yes, it’s not a problem,” Walker says as he types on his phone.
Reese looks at me, her face soft. “You’ll be there next year.”
“Yeah,” I sigh, “the baby.”
“They have a list in the baby book Shelley started, but it doesn’t look as though there was a decision.” She hands me the book, opened to the page.
“How does one pick a name for a child without a personality?”
She shrugs. “I think they grow into their names.”
I stare at the page, contemplating what to do. “I have no clue.”
“Well, what sounds good with Beck?” Reese asks.
“I’m not sure.” I shake my head.
Reese takes the book back. “That’s okay, something will come to you.”
“We need to stop at the hospital on the way home, they need these papers,” Walker says.
I nod, slumping into my seat as we leave the mountainous terrain of my home behind. In no time, we’re in a car and going by the hospital. Walker and Reese take over once we get there, and I’m left wandering around.
I find my way to the NICU and search for my niece. There are so many babies in here but once I see her, I know it. She’s a stunner. So much like Shelley, but Cid is written all over her.
“Which one is yours?” A guy walks up beside me.
I point. “Baby Beck.”
He smiles. “Baby Wooton but her name is Isabell.”
“That’s beautiful, just like her.”
“You haven’t picked out a name yet?” He looks over at me.
I’m caught in a trance, staring at the most amazing baby ever born. Out of all the names on that list, one stands out. I mutter it to myself, trying it on her, “Luci.”
“Lucy is a great name.” He smiles at me.
“Luci with an I,” I repeat.
“Alden?” Reese calls my name.
I turn to her, tears brimming my eyes. “Luci.”
A smile spreads across her face. “I love it.”
I nod as she slides her arm around my back. “Me too.” My heart makes a noise, something unfamiliar, and then the pain is back.
“She’s gonna do great things,” Reese says as Walker joins us. “Meet Luci, your god-niece.”
“Hello, Luci.” Walker waves, taking Reese in his arms.
The man standing beside me frowns. “Which of you are the parents?”
“My brother and his wife, they passed away in an accident.”
His frown forms a deep crease in his forehead. “I’m so sorry. They’d love her name.”
“Now, to figure out a middle name.” Reese giggles when I roll my eyes.
She slaps my chest. “You’ll figure it out.”
“It looks as though she’s going to be here a few more days. Do you want to visit her?” Walker asks.
I shake my head. “Not yet, I need another day.”
“Bye, Luci.” Reese waves as I walk away. “I’ll be right down, I’m gonna let them know her name and guardianship.”
“Hey, Alden,” Reese calls from the spare bedroom. “Where do you want her things?”
I walk over to the room, standing in the doorway. “Where did all this stuff come from? Shelley didn’t have all of this at home?”
“You have friends, and Luci needs things.” She looks over at me. “Besides, you’re gonna need more than this.”
I run my hand over my face. “I have no clue what I’m doing.”
“You’ll be fine, just like the rest of us.” She tries to reassure me, but it isn’t sinking in.
“Are you ready to get going?”
She nods as she lays clothes in a drawer. “Yeah, we’ll finish this later.”
My phone vibrates, and I pull it from my pocket. “Hello, Alden Beck.”
“Mister Beck, I’m Doctor Sevani from Wake Medical. Luci is my patient,” she explains.
“Yes, Doctor Sevani.”
“I wanted to let you know that Luci has pass
ed all testing and can go home when you’re ready,” she says as my heart drops.
I shift my feet. “I’m on my way to the services, I’ll make arrangements after it’s over.”
“I understand, that’s quite alright.” Her voice is solemn. “My condolences.”
“Thank you.” I end the call.
Reese hooks her arm through mine as I hang my head. “Later. All you can do is take one step at a time.”
The ride to the cemetery takes no longer than fifteen minutes, but it feels as though everything is in slow motion. I watch as we stop out front and the doors open. I walk in under my own volition, but yet I can’t feel my feet.
There are no open caskets. No last goodbyes. I’m numb as I walk the aisles, thanking everyone for coming. Not for me, mind you, I know Cid would expect it from me.
As the lights lower, I know it’s time. I never saw this as my life. Not only am I an orphan but the only family I have is a little girl that I’ll be damned if I know what to do with.
Reese and Walker join me with Chord and Sarah on the front row. I listen as eulogies are read about their accomplishments and their life together. Things I want to hold dear and not share.
I’ve informed everyone I want to say something. I need to say all the things I couldn’t in that room. The place where I was a little brother for the last time. I fight between collapsing and anger every minute of the day.
I will myself to sit still. To be present when all I want to do is run. I need all of this out of my head before it ruins my heart forever. I’ve lost everything, and my will is next to go.
“I believe Alden has chosen to say something today, Alden.” The minister motions for me to join him.
I run my hand over the matching caskets of my brother and sister-in-law as I walk past them. My stomach twists as it rolls over and over. I swallow a million times, trying to hold down the bile that’s building.
I take the podium and grip it on both sides, helping me to stand. My legs wobble as I force the words from my mouth.
“Help me. Words I often said to my brother from an early age and he always did. He was my best friend and loved me unconditionally. When we lost our parents, he dropped out of school and took a job to support us. Losing his scholarship and his chance at a different life.
“I asked him once if he ever regretted it, if it was worth it. He told me, ‘you will always be worth it, and I’ll never regret being a family’. Now, I no longer have one. My best friend, my ally, confidant and brother are gone.” I hold back a sob.
“Cidney was a great man and would’ve been an amazing father, I should know, he was mine for the last thirteen years. How will I ever live up to the man he was? How will I know what to do for his daughter, how to care for her without his guidance?
“How will I ever become the man I’m supposed to be without the man he is—was to help me? He loved Shelley with a love like I haven’t seen since our parents, or Reese and Walker’s or Chord and Sarah’s.
“How will I find that great love without his knowledge and words of wisdom? Shelley was my mother; how will I ever be one to her daughter? To share a relationship like that of which a daughter should have?” I gasp, anger swarming me to the point I’m choking.
“I’ve always heard, life isn’t fair. How will I ever protect their daughter from this cruel world, when I can’t even do it for myself? I want to be a good man, a man my brother would be proud of and look up to.
“I’m not sure he taught me enough on how to do that. I know I’ll never be the man he was, but I’ll do my best to be the man he raised me to be. For Cid and Shelley. For Luci. And for me.
“I love you, Cid. Love you, Shell.” I struggle to walk as the heaviness in my chest breaks free and attempts to swallow me whole. I take the first step to find Walker reaching out for me.
I take another step and find Chord’s hand. One more step and I fall into Reese’s arms. My body’s wracked with heartbreak as I watch my brother and sister-in-law be lowered into their final resting places.
I make my way over, filling my hands with dirt and sprinkle it on to the tops of the caskets. I take two pink roses and drop them in for Luci.
Luci.
I turn and run to my truck and speed down Highway Seventeen to 421. I make it to Raleigh in record time. I park in the lot and haul ass to the NICU.
I stand at the door, inconsolable, as I beg them to see her. To hold her. I need to let her know. “Please, I need her.”
The nurse relents and hands me a gown. I put it on and wash up. She points to a chair for me to sit in and hands me my niece. “Luci Renee. Baby girl, you had the most amazing parents. I’ll never live up to them or who they were, but if you’ll allow me, I promise I’ll do my best.”
“Her name is perfect.” Her nurse smiles.
“Renee was her mother’s middle name.” I wipe my face. “Luci Renee Beck, welcome to the world, sweetheart. I love you.”
“That’s it, good job.” The nurse turns to me with a paper in his hand. “Give this to the discharging nurse and you’re ready to go.”
“Who would’ve thought something so small would take so much energy to put in.” We laugh.
“Car seats are great but yeah, they could make them easier to install.” He chuckles.
“I’m thankful I had friends to help show me.”
“Well, from what I’ve seen, Luci is in good hands.” He pats my back as we step onto the elevator.
“I hope so. I’ll be honest, I’m scared shitless.”
“Spoken like a true father.” He smiles.
“I’m not though, I’m her uncle.”
He stares at the numbers as they change. “A man isn’t a father like a woman is a mother. She gives birth, the bond is natural. Fathers have to build their bond.”
“What about adoption?”
He shrugs. “Trust and love can be built; isn’t that what marriages are made of?”
“I hear you, I’m just not sure how to do it.”
He turns to me. “Love is the purest and easiest thing to do if you allow your heart to give it freely. It doesn’t matter if you gave birth, fathered a child, or if it has two moms or two dads. All that matters to the child is love. Give it to her a hundred times a day and then when you think you’ve loved her enough. Love her some more.”
“You make it sound easier than putting in a car seat and I, for one, know love ain’t easy.”
“Maybe you haven’t been in love.” He grins.
I shake my head. “Nope, but I love my brother.”
“Trust me, when it happens, everything will change and the way you see things will too.” The elevator opens, and we walk toward the nurses’ station.
“We’ll see, but I don’t think it’s in the cards for me.”
“You’re right, we’ll see.” He smirks. “He’s ready to go, ladies.”
One of the other nurses stands, taking my paper. “We’re so happy to see you two leaving.”
“I’m happy I’m here for her.”
She lays a paper down, pointing to it. “Sign here and here. I have a few things for you, like pediatrician information and things of that nature.”
“Thank you.” I do as I’m told and take the other papers. “Let’s get Luci.”
Oddly enough, I have to ride a wheelchair down while holding Luci. It’s hospital protocol, like watching me buckle her in. We draw attention from people throughout our departure.
Women clasping their chest and holding a hand to their eye, men just stare. I’m nervous enough, and this isn’t helping. Once we’re buckled up, we say our goodbyes and hit the road.
“Luci, we have exactly three and a half hours before you need another feeding. Pray for us because I do not want to try to give you a bottle on the side of the road.”
Every bump and shift in the road, I’m peeking in my mirror in hopes she hasn’t woke up. I hear a few grunts, and I worry she’s pooping. “Dear God, no. Not in my truck.”
Reese offered to
come with me, but the twins are handfuls. I can do this. I pull up at my place just as she starts squirming. Her perfect little pouty lips kill me, they’re so pretty.
“Come on, girl. I’ll get everything else out after you eat.” I pull her carrier out and grab the diaper bag.
Sitting her down, I open the door and take her in, locking the door behind us. “Safety first.”
I roll my eyes as I catch myself talking to her. “I suppose it’s better than talking to myself.”
I have her sitting in the middle of the living room and go to mix her bottle. I’m about to drop the powder when a wail from the other room makes me jump, and the milk goes everywhere.
I haul ass to the living room to find her screaming at the top of her lungs. “Where in the hell did that come from?” I pick her up, cradling her like they showed me.
“You were all quiet and cooing and shit in the hospital. When did you grow into your lungs?” I shake my head as we walk back into the kitchen.
I manage to get her milk poured and ready before she tears lose again. “Here ya go, it’s okay.” I rub the nipple across her lips, but she refuses it.
“Now come on, sweetie.” I try again, nothing.
I spend the evening walking the floors and changing diapers. “Please eat and then sleep. You know how to do this, you did it in the hospital,” I plead.
I rock her and change her, I even feed her again. I start humming to her, and her eyes begin to close. I stand to put her in the bed Reese set up, and my phone rings. Cue the crying.
“For the love of all that’s holy.” I carry her over and snag my phone. “This better be good.”
“Hey, Mars Bar.” Reese better be happy it’s her, I was ready to kill.
“Hey.”
“Gracious, she okay?” Concern thick in her voice.
“I’ve fed her, changed her, and rocked her. I’ve even walked the floors for the last two hours, nothing.”
“Love her heart.” Love her heart? She’s killing me!
I shake my head as Luci begins to wail. “I need to go.”
“Do you need me to come over?” Reese asks.
I hesitate. I really want her to come, but it’s the first night; I can’t give up this easily. “Naw, we got it. It just takes practice and for us to learn each other.”