by Joyce Alec
The darkness of the carriage did not allow Alice the liberty of opening and reading the letter, so she attempted to stop her whirling thoughts and, instead, consider the situation practically. William had sent the letter to Lady Benson’s home, evidently in the hope that she would be there — even though he had been invited to the ball but had, for whatever reason, chosen not to attend. That meant that he was still not aware of where she was staying. If he was aware of her true identity, then it would not have taken much for him to work out that she was residing in her parents’ townhouse. That meant that she was still Lady Emma Taylor to him.
A sigh of relief escaped her lips as Alice slowly began to relax, the tension draining out of her as the carriage drew up to her townhouse. Within a few minutes, she was sitting beside the fire in her bedchamber, already dressed in her nightgown. The cook had sent up a tray with a few small pastries and some chamomile tea, but Alice wanted nothing other than to read her husband’s letter. Dismissing the maid for the night, she waited until the door clicked shut before picking up the letter and breaking the seal.
Despite knowing that William could not possibly know of her identity, it did not stop her hands from shaking slightly as she unfolded the parchment, wondering what he had to say.
“My dear Lady Emma Taylor,” she read aloud. “I am forever in your debt for revealing to me the depths of my own ungentlemanly behavior and I must also apologize for the way our last conversation ended. Be assured, whilst your words cut to my core, they were much needed. I have found myself unable to attend social events as I have considered what you said, realizing that I am exactly what you said of me.
“Lady Emma, I must beg an audience with you once more, for you speak to me in ways that no other women of my acquaintance ever has. I value your wisdom and insight. As you will not tell me where you reside, might I call upon you at Lady Astor’s house come the morrow? Perhaps a short walk in Hyde Park? Should you be absent when I call, I will take it that you have no wish of my company, which I can well understand.
“Yours, Lord Worthington.”
The letter slipped from her fingers, landing on the small end table as Alice sat back in her seat, stunned beyond measure. She could not take in what it was she had read, and was entirely unsure as to whether or not his words could be trusted. Was this just some ploy to work his way back into her favors?
She shook her head to herself, sitting up a little straighter and picking up the letter once more. Her eyes ran over the handwritten lines again, finding that there was an honesty there she had not expected. That only left her with one question: would she meet with him?
“What harm can it do?” she asked herself, pouring a cup of chamomile tea. “If it is only to talk, then there is very little wrong with that.”
What Alice did not want to admit was that there was a slight fluttering in her stomach at the thought of walking with her husband, of having his sole attention. But then, the realization that they would be seen out together by others in society brought a heavy weight back to her stomach.
Was this what he was seeking? A chance to show society that he had some kind of penchant for her company? Confused beyond measure, Alice threw back her head and groaned. This was not what she had intended. She had never expected to be the one struggling with confusion and doubt, yet that was exactly what had occurred. By his letter and his attentions towards her, he was confusing her entirely, forcing her to wonder what he intended. Was he simply wishing to discover more of what she thought of him? Or was this some kind of feeble attempt to place himself in her good graces?
The more she thought of him, the more confused she became until her head began to grow heavy with all the thoughts captured within. A slight ache forced her to retire to bed, hoping that the quiet darkness would welcome her into its embrace and allow her a few hours of dreamless slumber before she had to face Lord Worthington again.
***
Madeline’s eyes widened as she finished reading the letter, handing it back to Alice without a single word.
“Well?” Alice asked, a little impatiently. “What does he mean by it?”
Lifting her teacup to her lips, Madeline took a long sip before setting it down again. “I am not sure,” she said, eventually. “This behavior is out of the ordinary.”
“You do not believe that he is honest, do you?” Alice asked, lifting one eyebrow. “Surely this is simply some ploy to win over the one woman in society who does not care for his behavior.” This was the conclusion she had reached in the early hours of the morning, when sleep would not come — and had been the only thing that had allowed her to finally close her eyes. “It is a ruse, of course.”
Madeline shook her head, frowning slightly. “I confess, I am not sure.”
Alice sighed. “I felt the same, at first, but then I recalled everything he has attempted before now. His advances towards me were rebuffed,” she continued as a ripple of heat crept up her neck. “I believe he thought that, after that, I would realize that I was in the wrong for pushing him away and would become just as every other lady. When I did not, he attempted to speak to me alone, pulling me from the hallway into a private room.”
Drawing in a long breath, Madeline’s frown deepened. “But you did not respond to that either.”
“So he arrived here and a war of words began,” Alice finished, settling her hands in her lap. “Now he must play the contrite gentleman in order to win me over.”
A short silence told her that Madeline was thinking things through carefully. “I am inclined to believe he is genuine in his words, Alice.”
“You cannot read that from a letter,” Alice retorted a little haughtily. “I am inclined to think the worst of him.”
“And that is understandable,” Madeline replied, calmly. “But bear in mind that I have known him longer than you, Alice, and be assured that I have never once seen him behave this way.” She held up a hand to stop Alice’s answer, smiling gently. “Yes, you have been wed to him, but he has remained here in town these three years, for the most part. I have seen him very often, and I can assure you that he has never once appeared in the least bit contrite over anything he has done.”
“That means very little,” Alice said in response. “For he has had many ladies falling at his feet. I doubt the man has been rebuffed once.” She shook her head, her shoulders slumping. “He promises me that he has never kissed another lady before, nor taken a mistress, but I cannot tell whether or not to believe him.”
Madeline’s expression grew sympathetic. “I could tell you the same, but I doubt that would make much of a difference. There have never been any obvious associations between him and another lady, nor even rumors of them. That is usually the proof that there are no liaisons, for such things do not remain hidden for long.”
“Society would think very little of it if he were to take a mistress, I suppose,” Alice said heavily. “It is the way of things.”
“Unfortunately so,” Madeline agreed, her eyes dimming a little. “Thankfully, my own dear husband has promised he will do no such thing, and I must hope that he keeps his word.”
Alice smiled at her friend, aware that Madeline was deeply in love with her husband. “I am sure he will.”
Giving herself a slight shake, Madeline set her shoulders and grinned. “So, now that you are here, Alice, I presume you are going to meet with Lord Worthington?”
Now it was Alice’s turn to frown. “What do you mean?”
Madeline lifted one delicate shoulder. “You could have refused to meet him, could have stayed away from my home, but instead you have decided to come and see him. Deep down, you wish to know whether what he’s said is true or not.”
Alice rubbed at her forehead, unsure she liked that her friend was so perceptive.
“Oh, my dear,” Madeline sighed, settling back in her chair. “You are mixed up over the man, are you not?”
Refusing to answer, Alice lifted her teacup to her lips, catching Madeline’s slight laugh. She was
right, of course; Alice was entirely confused over her husband and his behavior, despising the knowledge that she still found herself attracted to him.
“You are going to have to remind yourself of what he has done to you,” Madeline finished just as there was a quiet rap on the door. “Do not lose your heart so easily, Alice.”
Her warning complete, Madeline rose to greet Lord Worthington, leaving Alice to follow suit.
Alice rose and curtsied, more than aware that he was studying her with a look of gratitude on his face. Her cheeks warmed despite herself, attempting to retain her poise as she sat back down as gracefully as she could.
“Might I ring for tea, Lord Worthington?” Madeline asked, a slight smile on her face. “Or were you planning an outing of some kind?” A light twinkle of mischief lit both her words and her eyes, making Lord Worthington laugh.
“I see you have been in cahoots with Lady Emma,” he replied, his eyes darting towards Alice. “You are quite right, Lady Astor. I was hoping that perhaps, I might ask Lady Emma to accompany me on a short walk? Perhaps Hyde Park?”
“It is soon to be the fashionable hour,” Alice said, quickly. “I am not to be put on display, Lord Worthington, if that is what you intend.”
His brows furrowed. “I had not thought of that,” he muttered, appearing perturbed. “No, Lady Emma, you are right. I do not wish to show you off, although I am sure any gentleman would be grateful for your attentions to them.”
The corner of his mouth lifted slightly, as though he struggled not to fall back into his old way of speaking. Alice kept her face impassive, although her heart began to quicken its pace just a little.
“You might still walk in the park if you keep to the smaller paths,” Madeline suggested, helpfully.
Lord Worthington’s smile grew. “Of course, that would be just the solution!” he exclaimed, turning back to Alice. The smile left his face. “That is, if you wish to accompany me, Lady Emma?”
The eagerness of his expression, the hope in his eyes, made Alice squirm in her seat. She was disinclined to believe him, knowing that he was able to put on whatever facade he chose, but in truth, she did want to discover what it was he wished to talk to her about and chose to incline her head.
“Fantastic,” Lord Worthington got to his feet at once, a sudden look of relief etched on his features. “Shall we go?”
Surprised at how quickly he wished to be in her company alone, Alice shot a quick glance at Madeline before rising to her feet.
“Of course, Lord Worthington,” she mumbled, only just catching Madeline’s quick grin out of the corner of her eye. “You do not mind, do you, Lady Astor?”
“Not in the least,” Madeline declared, waving them off. “I shall see you once you return. You are staying for dinner, are you not?”
Knowing that Madeline would want to hear every little thing that Alice had discussed with Lord Worthington, Alice accepted at once before walking from the room with Lord Worthington close behind.
Chapter Ten
They walked in silence for a few moments, with Lord Worthington clasping both his hands behind his back. Alice felt the tension grow between them with every step, struggling to know what to say.
“You have been absent from society of late,” she murmured when the tension grew too much to bear. “Have you been ill?”
He let out a harsh laugh, surprising her. “Not ill, no. Melancholy…perhaps.” He glanced at her, his dark brown eyes intense. “And I lay that blame solely at your feet.”
Feeling a little off balance, Alice held his gaze for a moment. “I am not quite sure what you mean.”
“Did I not say as much in my letter?” he asked, quietly. “You have spoken to me in a way that no one else has ever done. Your blunt words cut into my very soul, forcing me to look back on my last few years with fresh eyes.”
“Oh.” Alice did not know what else to say, discovering that her heart very much wished to believe him, but finding that her mind refused to accept it.
“You do not believe my words, of course.”
“No,” Alice replied, frankly. “I do not.”
He nodded but did not laugh nor smile. “It is as I should expect.”
Alice glanced at him, aware for the first time of the heavy bags under his eyes, the purple smears that showed just how truly tired he was. Had he not been sleeping? And, if he had not, was it really because of what she had said, or was it merely too many nights spent at the exclusive gentlemen’s club, White’s?
“I have not been in society very much since you last spoke to me,” he said quietly. “I must confess that I tried to push your words from my mind, but I have discovered that I am unable to do so.”
“I see,” Alice replied, primly, as they approached Hyde Park. Surely now she would be able to see whether or not he had truly meant to keep their conversation quiet, for if he turned her towards where the many carriages would be, then she would know that he was not in the least in earnest.
As they turned into Hyde Park, just as he had promised, he kept to the quieter paths.
“After the way I have behaved towards you, I owe you a great deal of gratitude for even being willing to come out walking with me,” Lord Worthington said heavily, clasping his hands behind his back as they walked. “No, I do not blame you in the least for being entirely unsure about my words and my intentions,” he continued, sounding fervent. “If you can believe me, then I will confess that I owe you a great debt, Lady Emma.”
“A debt?” Alice could not stop herself from questioning what he meant, struggling with her astonishment at seeing him so changed in both demeanor and in speech.
He nodded, his countenance taking on something of a despondent look. “If only I had met you some years ago,” he muttered, quietly. “Then perhaps I might have been a very different man.”
It was on the tip of Alice’s tongue to say that he had met her some years ago, at their wedding, but she bit her lip and said nothing.
“I have made some very poor choices,” he continued when she did not reply. “Now that I look back on my life, I realize that I have been living for entirely my own pleasures, pushing away my responsibilities because I despised the way I was forced into them.”
Alice stopped dead, wondering if she was one of the responsibilities he was talking about. After all, he had been cajoled into matrimony by his father’s last will and testament. She had always considered that he had simply been urged into doing so, but now that he spoke of force, she began to think that it might have been more than that. “And you are laying this change at my feet?”
He turned to face her, spreading his hands. “You are the only lady who has ever rebuffed me on so many occasions,” he said softly. “I know you might still be disinclined to believe my words, but I cannot help but tell you the truth: I have never felt as lost as I do now.”
She shook her head, keeping her hands clasped together so that he would not see her tremble. “I cannot believe that my continued snubbing of your advances has brought about this change, my lord.”
“But in truth, it has,” he responded, at once. “For years, I have lived my life in perfect contentment, pushing away all thoughts about my responsibilities and my future so that I can live the way I please. For a long time, I was unable to do so, having had particular expectations and requirements from both my father and then my mother, who used my fortune as a way to force me to do as they wished.” He pressed a hand to his eyes for a moment, as though quite overcome with memories. “I realize now that this has made me into the worst kind of man.”
Alice found that anything she wished to say remained stuck in her throat, finding him altered but still finding it difficult to trust that he was speaking the truth.
His head lifted, and he caught her gaze.
“What is it about you that helps me to speak so openly?” he murmured, quietly. “You are quite unique, Lady Emma. Had you not come into my life, then I think that I would never have reached this state of true discernmen
t.”
She managed to smile, thinking back on her three years of almost solitary confinement. Was he now regretting treating her in such a way? It was not as though she was simply going to trust that he was now a changed man, tell him the truth of her identity, and forgive him at once. One meeting, one conversation, was not enough to prove his change of heart to her.
“One final thing, Lady Emma,” he said, stepping closer and capturing her with his gaze. “I wish to sincerely declare my apologies for my behavior. It was both ungentlemanly and entirely inappropriate. I was pushing you to respond to me in the way that all other ladies of my acquaintance have done, and it was only because you did not do as I expected that my attentions became more fervent.” His eyes dropped from her face, a look of shame in his expression. “It was wrong of me, and I humbly beg your forgiveness.”
Finding that his words appeared more than genuine, Alice struggled to sort out her jumbled thoughts. Her heart beat frantically in her chest as he looked up at her again, earnestly. Could she so easily give him the assurance he was looking for when she still did not believe every word he said? Could a man so easily — and so quickly — change his entire being?
“I thank you for your apology,” she said slowly. “But, in truth, I shall wait until I see that you are truly in earnest, Lord Worthington. I do not give my forgiveness easily, and I am not so quickly swayed.”
A brief flash of hurt crossed his face, only for him to bow slightly. “I understand,” he said, firmly. “Were I in your situation, I would feel much the same way, I am sure.” Holding out his arm to her, his smile returned. “I have every intention of proving to you — and to all of society, I might add — that I am much changed.” A faraway expression came over his face, his gaze drifting away. “I shall remain for the final part of the season, and then I shall leave London, perhaps for good. There are many things I need to rectify, but I shall have to take some time to work out how best to go about them.”