‘Mum! You just don’t understand! All my exams were shit. I’m going to fail everything, and have to resit the year. I’ve cocked everything up again!’
Mel slammed the kitchen door and fled up the stairs in floods of tears, causing Lou Lou to pucker up and form tears of her own.
Mel had finished her last exam, and had just had her first day back at college. She’d been quite happy about her performance before she caught up with her mates and made the mistake of dissecting every last detail. The result was a massive panic attack which had left Mel in the depths of despair, and nothing Cat could say or do seemed to help.
Sighing, she cuddled Lou Lou to calm her down, and soon had her sitting playing with her bricks. James too had finished his exams, with much less fuss, it had to be said, than Mel. ‘I can’t see what you’re getting so wound up about,’ he said, ‘it’s only exams,’ but then not quite so much was riding on it for him.
Now James had broken up for the summer, he seemed to spend most of his time playing Grand Theft Auto and drinking endless cups of coffee, despite Cat’s hints that he might like to get himself a job. Mind you, that seemed to have been pretty much what he was doing during his revision period. If he’d spent as much time looking at his books as he had waiting for the kettle to boil, she was sure he’d have got As and A*s all round. She marvelled at the differences between her two eldest children. Mel could do with a dose of James’ laidback attitude, and James needed a rocket up his arse. Such was the way of family life.
‘Can you keep an eye on Lou Lou?’ she asked him. ‘I need to go and calm your sister down.’
‘I bet she hasn’t done that badly,’ said James. ‘Girls always exaggerate.’
‘You’re probably right, but try to be kind,’ said Cat. ‘I won’t be long, and in the meantime, get off that wretched computer while you look after your niece, and make sure you stay off it.’
‘Yeah, yeah,’ James waved her away and sat down on the floor to help construct things out of bricks with Lou Lou. Cat grinned. She loved seeing them together. Who knew her gangly, tall teenage son, who was normally far too cool to display emotion, would have been so soppy about a toddler?
She left them to it and went to find Mel who was lying on her bed staring into space, her eyes red with sobbing.
‘Oh Mel,’ said Cat, ‘were they really that bad?’
‘Worse,’ said Mel. ‘Oh god, I’ve stuffed up again.’
‘No you haven’t,’ said Cat. ‘A) it might not be as bad as you think and b) exams aren’t everything. With your blog and book, you’ve got the start of a career. You don’t even have to go to uni if you don’t want to. Nothing’s set in stone.’
‘But I do want to go to uni,’ said Mel, ‘I really do. And I can’t see myself ever getting in at this rate.’
‘Well, love,’ said Cat, sitting down and holding her hand, ‘if you don’t, you don’t. It’s not the end of the world. And whatever you do, remember, Dad and I are so proud of you.’
‘You are?’ said Mel, looking pleased, and Cat smiled as she saw the similarity with Lou Lou, when someone praised her.
‘Of course I am. Now come downstairs, have a cup of tea and some cake, and play with your gorgeous daughter. Whatever happens we’ll get through it. You’ll see.’
It was a sunny day and the birds were tweeting across the valley as Pippa went to the yard to start herding the cows in for milking. Despite Richard’s continued reservations about her ideas, she felt she was at least doing something to save the farm. She looked around her, at this place which had been her whole life. She wasn’t going to give it up. Not for Richard, or anyone.
‘Penny for ’em.’ Dan appeared in muddy overalls, big wellies, looking totally scruffy, and still able to make her heart stop unexpectedly. This was stupid, she was over him. She was. Over. Him.
‘Just thinking what a lovely day it is,’ said Pippa, ‘and how much I love this place.’
‘Me too,’ said Dan. He paused and looked at her a little sadly. ‘Pippa, I know neither of us want to sell up, but Dad and I have been over the figures a dozen times, and we just can’t get them to work. I’m really sorry, but I can’t afford to buy you out, however much I want to.’
‘Well let’s work together to save the farm then,’ said Pippa. ‘I know we’re divorced, but we still want the same things for our children. We only need to keep things going for a few more years till the boys are old enough to take it on.’
‘Pippa you are unstoppable,’ Dan roared with laughter. ‘You never give up do you? It’s what I’ve always loved about you.’
There was a pause, and Pippa’s heart beat more, a little faster. Stop it, Pippa, stop it, she scolded herself, but couldn’t help her reactions. Dan hadn’t said anything that emotional to her for months.
‘Oh you know me?’ she said lightly. ‘Never one to roll over lightly and take it.’
‘Yes, I do know you,’ said Dan, and his eyes were sad.
Pippa wanted to hug him, anything to take away that melancholy look on his face but instead, she said, ‘Shall we get on?’ The cows were lowing in their stalls, clearly fed up. ‘Time and milking wait for no man.’
All the time she was herding the cows into the milking stalls and attaching them to the machines, her thoughts were whirling. She couldn’t get his words out of her head. Dan had been so cold and distant to her for so long and made it plain he didn’t have feelings for her anymore, but what if he still did? She’d been so sure he didn’t want her, but if he did, where did that leave her and Richard?
This is ridiculous, she told herself. Dan divorced you, remember? It’s in the past. Maybe he does regret it, but it’s too late now. Too late. The words made her feel infinitely sad.
But afterwards, when Dan followed her back to the kitchen, she felt a little flutter of hope. Although it was soon overcome with guilt. Was she leading Richard on, by still having feelings for Dan?
As she pondered this, Richard came in. He was working from home again.
‘Hi Dan,’ he said, extending a hand, before putting a possessive arm around Pippa again. ‘Has Pippa told you our good news?’
‘No,’ said Dan, looking at them quizzically.
‘We’re not going to wait till the farm’s settled, we’re moving in together,’ said Richard, ‘I thought you should be the first to know.’
‘But—’ Pippa was stuck in shock – what had happened there? She hadn’t agreed to anything. Richard had just assumed.
‘Well that’s fantastic,’ said Dan, extending a hand, and Pippa felt herself collapse. She’d been imagining things. Dan seemed genuinely pleased for them. They were divorced. Time to move on.
My Broken Brain
Oh sod what day it is. I only know it’s 4am, again.
Another completely sleepless night. I’m sitting here, looking out of the window as a pink sun slowly breaks through the clouds of grey, just trying to work out how I can have got things so spectacularly wrong.
All this time, I thought I wanted what was best for Pippa. And I know I’m not it. Since my accident, I’ve only brought her down.
So, I pushed her away from me, not letting her get close once, even though it hurt like hell. I’ve shored up my feelings and hidden them from her so she can have a happier life without me.
And I’ve succeeded beyond my expectations. Pippa is happy. Just as I wanted her to be. She’s with Richard and they’re going to move in together. It’s right for her; it’s what I wanted for her. And I should be glad.
Except, I’m not. What do you make of that, counsellor, Jo? Weren’t expecting that, were you? Me neither.
Turns out I’m an idiot. By pushing Pippa away, I’ve lost her forever, and made the biggest mistake of my life.
Part Three
A thousand memories
Nine Years Ago
Christmas with Lucy
‘Time for bed, munchkins, otherwise Santa will never come!’ Pippa came into the lounge where the boys, Dan and Lucy were
watching The Snowman, entranced. Lucy was sitting in her chair gurgling in delight and for the first time all day, the boys were sitting still, and not tearing round the house hyped up by overexcitement. The room was strung with paper chains Pippa had made with Nathan and George, and lit with fairy lights. The Christmas tree, top heavy with tinsel applied again by the boys, was sparkling in the corner, with a few presents Santa wasn’t bringing already piled up underneath.
Lucy was fascinated by the Christmas tree, staring for hours enthralled by the lights and baubles. As ever, it was her enjoyment of little things which lifted your spirits, Dan thought. This year had been so difficult, finally having the diagnosis of cerebral palsy, they’d so long suspected, when their beautiful daughter had failed to develop in the ways that her brothers had done. It was only Pippa’s tenacity and determination to push the professionals to commit to a diagnosis that had got them this far. Being Pippa, she would never be put off by a ‘What does the mother know?’ dismissive response. Though by and large, once they’d got into the system, the support they’d had from both doctors and care workers had been phenomenal; it was the journey to get there which had been so hard.
And then the shock of the diagnosis. Even when they’d expected it, somehow to be told that your precious child is less than perfect in the conventional sense, was a devastating blow. Coupled with the realisation that their family life was never going to be the same, that for the rest of their lives Lucy’s needs would forever take them in a different direction to the one they’d imagined. They loved their daughter dearly, but they also mourned the possible life they had planned for her, and worried about how they would all cope in the future.
It had been tough coming to terms with that. And yet, somehow, they had come to terms with it. Partly because Lucy, with her sparkly smile and mischievous personality seemed to have the character to rise above the problems inherent in her condition, and partly because, she was still their precious daughter and always would be.
And here they were at Christmas, all together, a family bonded by a special kind of love, and a very special child.
Lucy clapped her hands when Pippa mentioned Santa, and the boys were clamouring to put out mince pies and a sherry for the reindeer, and a carrot for Rudolf. Lucy had been too little to take part in the tradition last year, and was wreathed with smiles at the thought of it all. Dan lifted her up – she was so small and frail, he felt like she would break in his arms sometimes – and carried her into the kitchen, so she could feel part of everything. Nathan gave her the carrot to hold, and George walked back to the lounge carefully holding onto the sherry, and making sure it didn’t spill.
‘Can we write Santa a note?’ said Nathan.
‘Of course,’ said Pippa, grabbing pens and paper.
Nathan carefully took a pen, and started writing his letter, while George just drew a picture of their family and wrote George, and five kisses. Lucy indicated she wanted to write something too, so Dan helped her hold a pen, and watched her draw unintelligible squiggles on the paper.
‘Is this Santa?’ he asked, looking at a blob in the middle of the page, and Lucy nodded happily. ‘Well, I’m sure he’ll be really pleased,’ said Dan.
‘It really is bedtime now,’ said Pippa to groans from the boys about not being tired, but they didn’t grumble long, when she added, ‘the sooner you go to sleep, the sooner Santa gets here.’
She chased them up the stairs, and Dan carried Lucy into her room. The boys came in to kiss their sister in a nightly ritual – in the way of children the world over, they accepted that their sister was different, and loved her just the same – and then Pippa came and together they tucked Lucy in.
‘Just think, Luce,’ said Pippa, placing Lucy’s stocking on the bed, ‘when you wake up Santa will have been, won’t that be lovely?’
Lucy’s grin melted his heart. She was as happy as any other three-year-old going to bed on Christmas Eve. Perhaps not so different after all …
July
Chapter Nineteen
‘Save our birds!’
‘No building in the woods!’
‘No Hotels Here!’
The sun was beating down on the town square which was full of people waving placards and holding posters. There were so many people, they were spilling out onto the road, stopping traffic. Pippa looked around her with quiet satisfaction. True she’d had one or two aggressive types shouting at her for being a Nimby: one lady going so far as to wave her fist in Pippa’s face, and say, ‘You’re depriving people of valuable jobs, you know!’ but for the most part everyone was good humoured.
When Felix Macintyre arrived later, and she drove him up to the woods, where one or two stalwarts, including Batty Jack had taken to camping – ‘Somebody needs to keep an eye out on them bastards,’ he said. ‘Don’t want them sneaking up behind our backs’ – he’d be able to see how strongly people felt. And if he thought there was a chance of spying his precious merlins, then maybe he’d think again.
‘You all set?’ Miss Woods came sailing up on her scooter.
‘I think so,’ said Pippa. ‘The plan is I take Mr Macintyre round the woods, and point out the likely places you might spot merlins. We should at least see the kestrels and hopefully that should make him think again about destroying their habitat. Then we can try and persuade him that a more educational slant here might be a better idea, although I appreciate that’s not very likely.’
‘Seeing the force of local opposition against the idea should give him pause for thought,’ said Miss Woods.
Just then a big black limo swept up and out climbed the great man himself. He turned to his companion – Pippa’s heart sank to see Luke Nicholas – and said sotto voce, ‘I thought you told me the whole town wanted this development.’
‘There are plenty who do want it, Felix, I can assure you of that,’ said Luke smoothly. Felix Macintyre, however, was clearly perturbed by the reception. Pippa decided to strike while the iron was hot.
‘Hello, Mr Macintyre,’ Pippa beamed, stepping towards him in greeting.
‘Please call me Felix. How lovely to see you again,’ Felix replied with genuine warmth.
‘Felix, we wondered whether you would like to come and visit the woods? We might see some merlins if we’re lucky,’ she said with her fingers crossed behind her back. ‘We think a pair may have been nesting there this spring; there could be babies.’
‘That sounds, swell,’ he answered, and she grinned as she saw Luke grimace. In his shiny suit and gleaming shoes, he couldn’t have looked more unprepared for a tramp in the woods. Felix on the other hand looked as though he’d come ready for a hike in the Rockies. Though Pippa noticed his boots were brand new and ridiculously shiny. Honestly, city dwellers. They had no idea about the country.
‘After you,’ said Felix and Pippa and her band of followers marched up the valley to the woods.
‘This is a cute little place,’ he said to Pippa, as they made their way to the path through a field full of daisies, buttercups, and dandelions that led to the woods, ‘I had no idea.’
‘Isn’t it? Which is why we’re concerned about your plans,’ said Pippa. ‘I’m not sure that a huge hotel complex is what Hope Christmas needs. And I think when you see the birds in their natural habitat …’
‘If we see any,’ sneered Luke.
‘Luke seems to think you’re bullshitting me,’ Felix explained.
Oh bugger! Pippa thought rapidly.
‘We’re not bullshitting about the beauty of the place, and the need to preserve the landscape for future generations. Just look around you.’
‘It sure is beautiful,’ admitted Felix, ‘we’ll see.’
He marched ahead, every now and then peering through his binoculars as if he was expecting to be caught out.
‘Do you think we’ll convince him?’ whispered Marianne, as she and Pippa trailed after him.
‘If I’ve got anything to do with it, we will,’ said Pippa.
The motley c
rew wound its way up the valley. You had to hand it to Pippa, Marianne thought, she could always be relied on to get a crowd going. People were chanting and cheering all the way, until Pippa shushed them as they reached the woods. In the distance, Marianne could make out a few hammocks, where Batty Jack and his cronies had been sleeping. They had made themselves scarce for now, as they didn’t want to disturb any birds that might be there.
‘Mr Macintyre is very keen to see our merlins. So if you all wait here, I’ll show him where they’ve been spotted.’
To her dismay, Luke who’d been shadowing Felix Macintyre, elected not to follow him, and came sidling up to her.
‘Birds or no birds,’ he said, ‘the old man is going to go ahead with his plans, so you may as well accept it now and give up on all of this.’
‘It’s not what people round here want,’ argued Marianne. ‘You should think again.’
‘In my experience, people never know what they want till it’s right in front of them,’ said Luke, firmly holding her gaze. ‘The hotel and spa will bring people into town and give it new life.’
‘I doubt that very much,’ said Marianne, reeling off a list of her concerns. ‘You’re going to destroy a local beauty spot, which is one of the many reasons people come here; most of the locals won’t be able to afford the facilities; and the sort of people who go there are hardly going to be shopping in Hope Christmas or interested in the countryside. It will be a disaster.’
‘You never did have a head for business, did you?’ said Luke in a patronising manner, which Marianne found infuriating. To think she had begun to find him attractive again. It must have been the Prosecco.
‘But I do know what people round here want,’ said Marianne, ‘which is something you’ve never grasped.’
‘It’s not too late for you to be part of this,’ Luke said. ‘Your land would come in useful, and I’m sure you could do with an injection of cash.’
Coming Home For Christmas Page 17