“Then why go? Why didn’t you tell me that he kissed you? Why wait for him to humiliate me the way he did? First Holly and … and now you. Did you sleep with him like she did?” I growl, noticing her face instantly dropping into a frown, and she doesn’t even attempt to answer me. “Holy fuck! You slept with him?” I feel my gut immediately starting to twist tight.
“It wasn’t like that. I promise, we didn’t do anything! He was just …”
I throw my arms in the air and go to step around her. I can’t stay here. Not now. Not ever again. Was I feeling humiliated before? Yeah, of course I was, but not as much as I do now. She has tears rolling down her cheeks, but the last thing I wanna do is wipe them away. I’m done with pretending. I’m done with being the prop in all of their games and lies. I’m done with … I’m done with her, “And then it all makes sense!”
“What does? Brandon, please will you just—”
“Was he worth it, Alexis? Was he? No, don’t tell me. I don’t wanna know … I … he must’ve been. He took you out from right under my nose. He took the both of you. Fuck I’m such an idiot! What did I do that was so wrong? All I ever did was love her. All I ever fucking did was love you!”
“Will you please listen to me? I know you’re hurting, but I’m not Holly, Brandon. I’m not her! I need you to listen to me!” She grabs my shoulder when I start throwing a few things in my bag. I won’t let her do this to me. She knows the shit I’ve been through. I bet they were laughing about this the whole fucking time. All of them. “Brandon, what are you doing?”
I step back as soon as I’ve fastened the zipper on the bag, and throw it over my shoulder. When I reach the door, I turn back around, my eyes resting on her stomach. A sharp pain rips through my chest, and I actually think I wanna cry. I thought we were gonna have our happy ever after, but there’s no such fucking thing. Not in my world. I was delusional to think that I could ever have even the tiniest piece of happiness in my life.
“Brandon, please don’t walk away,” I watch her place her hand across her stomach, and I slowly walk back over to her. She’s upset, I see that, but I need to know one more thing.
Lifting my hand, I stroke my fingers over her stomach. This was gonna be a new beginning for us. A new start where we could try and put everything behind us, and look forward to our future together, “Who’s the father?” My voice isn’t filled with anything. No emotion. No nothing. When she doesn’t answer, I lift my gaze up to meet hers, and then she slaps me. Hard across the cheek like I’m the one who’s in the fucking wrong here. I shake my head, because when I look at her, I see a different person standing in front of me. She’s not Alexis. She’s not the girl I fell in love with. To me; she’s nothing. “Yeah. I thought so.” I back away, and then pick my bag back up from off of the floor before heading to the door.
“Do you really believe that this isn’t your baby?” I hear her voice tremble, but don’t turn around. I walk out from her room, and place my room key on the breakfast bar on my way out.
Earlier, I had everything. I had the girl of my dreams who I was gonna marry someday, and a baby on the way. Our baby. Now, I have nothing. There’s nothing left to make everything bad that’s happened in my life worthwhile. Not anymore.
***
It’s been four hours since I left the dorm. Alexis has tried to call me a couple of times, but I didn’t answer. Not a single time. I don’t wanna talk to her. She betrayed me. The one person I needed to be on my side. The only person I wanted in my life. Gone.
Just when I thought things were finally gonna work out, everything was swiped away from me again, by him. Even while he’s sitting inside a cell someplace, he’s still managing to fuck everything up and come between us. Well, I guess he got what he wanted. He finally won.
They hurt me. The people I cared about the most were the ones who screwed me over. Well, I’m not gonna allow for that to happen again. As I see it, friendships and relationships are overrated. Believe me, I just learnt this the hardest way fucking imaginable.
I don’t need anybody else, and I’ve made a decision. From now on, I’m gonna be just fine on my own. All my life all I’ve ever wanted to do is care for the people I love, make them happy, be there whenever they’ve needed me to be, care for them, love them. But, it’s not worth it. They’re not worth it.
Sitting down cross-legged on the ground, I rest my hands and the flowers I bought for her in my lap, while staring at the white headstone that’s directly in front of me. I stare, I stare, and I keep staring while I try and control the anger and hurt that’s trying to flare up from deep inside.
I haven’t been to visit her for a while. I wish I wasn’t here now, but I had to come. I need her to know some things. She needs to know what’s going through my mind.
“Holly,” my voice is tight, and I have to close my eyes to clear my vision because of the tears. “Why’d you do it, Holls? I thought we meant something … I thought that I meant something to you. I don’t get it. I don’t understand why you chose him. You were mine …” I clear my throat and wipe my eyes, taking a couple of deeper breaths to try and compose myself. I will not cry over this. Not again. “I know, Holls. I wouldn’t have believed a damn word of it, but I saw. You wrote it down. You slept with my best friend, Holly. You went behind my back when all I wanted was you. I trusted you. I loved you. I only wanted you!”
I stand back up, turn around, and tilt my head up toward the sky while summoning the pain to go away. She caused this. She’s made me feel this way. Nobody else. All the times I denied myself happiness because I didn’t wanna betray her was a waste of time, because all the while, she was the one who betrayed me.
The anger becomes stronger, and I twist back around, my jaw clenched tight, “Well, this is the last time, Holls. I thought I knew you, but I didn’t know you at all. I’m done. I’m not gonna come back here anymore. You fucking broke my heart and I swear … I’m done!” I toss the flowers on the ground, and ball my fists down by my sides, a new burning sensation filling my veins. “I’m not gonna come here anymore … I’m done …” I repeat the words in a whisper, and take a step away, another, and then another, until she’s no longer in my sight, my mind, or my heart.
They can’t hurt me anymore. They’re gone. All of them. Gone.
Chapter Twenty-Six
“Another. In fact, make it a double,” I say, wiping my mouth with the back of my arm while slamming the empty glass back down on the bar. “Hey, Tessa! Did you hear me?”
“Yes, I heard you!” she laughs when she comes over to grab a hold of the twenty dollar bill I’ve just thrown down beside the glass. “Isn’t it a little early for these?” She lifts the shot glass in the air, and shakes it right in front of me while wriggling her eyebrows up and down a couples of times.
“I’m sure it’ll soon be approaching midnight somewhere in the world,” I answer with a sigh, my voice flat. When I go to rest back on the bar stool, I lose my balance and almost slide right off of the back. Huh. They’ve really gotta think about checking the safety on these things.
Tessa shakes her head before she goes to pour me another one. I have no idea how many of these things I’ve consumed already today, but they’re helping. They’re probably helping a little too much actually.
It’s been a few days since I walked out of the dorm, and once I’d left Holly’s headstone after saying goodbye to her for the final time, I headed straight over here to see Layla about me using the apartment above the bar for a little while. It’s only temporary, but at least I’ve gotten a roof over my head while I decide on what I’m gonna do next.
I headed over to campus yesterday for what would’ve been the final time. Yep. I quit college. Don’t look at me like that, I don’t need you to start judging me like everybody else.
“Brandon?”
When I hear Rye to the side of me, I don’t bother turning around, I haven’t even seen the guy since I walked away from Alexis. Even thinking about her or saying her name causes me pa
in, and that’s why I’ve decided to make a new friend in Mr. Tequila over here. “Haven’t you got a class to go to?” I ask as he pulls up a seat beside me.
“I was about to ask you the same thing,” he counters me, pulling over the bar stool he’s sitting on closer to me some more, and leaning forward in his seat while trying to gain my attention. I don’t wanna talk about her, though. I don’t. I don’t wanna talk or think about any of them. “She’s upset, bro. I’ve heard her crying each night in her room since you left.”
Reaching over to grab the shot Tessa’s just placed down in front of me, I waste no time and throw it down my neck before repeating the process. I must’ve done this at least ten times already, and it’s still early in the day, “Another,” I say, and notice Tessa’s eyes darting between me and Rye a couple of times before she goes to do what I just requested. “She’ll get over it.” I say, firmer this time.
“No, I don’t think she will, and do you want to know something else? I don’t think you will, either. Come on, man. You know more than anybody that Alex isn’t that type of girl.”
I twist in my seat and let out a harsh laugh, “Yeah? Well, I thought that about Holly, and look how that played out,” I cock my head to the side, and notice that he immediately lowers his gaze. “Exactly. Now, are you gonna just sit there talking to yourself, or are you gonna join me and have a couple of drinks?” I raise my eyebrows on him, and he shrugs his shoulders before nodding his head toward my shot glass, gesturing for Tessa to go and pour him a drink.
***
Rye just went outside to answer his cell phone, and I’ve just ordered us in another round of drinks. This time I decided to get us a couple of shots of tequila instead. That other stuff I’d been drinking before seemed to lose the effect it was having on me when Rye walked in a couple of hours ago.
As I turn around to go and take a seat over by the pool table, I feel a hand on my arm and when I turn to the side, I throw her a scrutinizing gaze, “What?”
“I’m sorry to hear about you and Alex,” she tells me, but if she thinks that I’m gonna believe a damn word that she’s just said, then she’s mistaken. “Do you want to buy me a drink?” Is she serious? Huh. I smirk right at her just as Rye steps back through the entrance doors, and when she sees him heading back over to me, she drops her hand from my arm and takes a few steps away before turning around to join her group of friends again.
“What the fuck did she want?” Rye asks, his eyes narrowing right on her. “You need to keep the fuck away from her. I don’t trust her, and when you’re in this state, I don’t fully trust you either. No offence.”
I literally laugh out loud that he would assume I would touch that, “Bro? You really have no worries there. I wouldn’t even have the balls to touch her with yours.”
“Good to know,” he says, a wry smile etching over his face now as we go to take a seat. He seems to drift off into his own little world, and a look of concentration starts to wash over his face. “It doesn’t make any sense.”
“What doesn’t?” I ask, and as I rest my elbows on the table, I notice him eyeing me with caution.
“If they were together then why did he hurt her? Holly, I mean. It just doesn’t make any sense, and I knew Holly almost as well as you guys did. If she didn’t want to be with you then she would’ve told you and ended things before seeing anybody else. It just doesn’t sound like something she would do, that’s all.”
***
Why did you stop? ~ You looked scared.
Why did you stop, yesterday? ~ Holly, you were crying.
Why did you stop touching me, Brandon? ~ Because you weren’t ready yet.
No. No, I wasn’t.
No. No, please God, no.
I rest the back of my head against the cool tiles of the bathroom wall. Three times I’ve hurled the contents of my stomach in there. Is it making me feel any better about myself? No. Not in the fucking slightest.
He … He … She didn’t sleep with him, at least, not willingly. That’s it. That’s why he did what he did to her. That’s why he killed Holls. He forced himself on her. He attacked my girlfriend, and he didn’t want anybody else finding out about it.
I should’ve known. I should’ve fucking realized when she was so distant with me, but I was too wrapped up in the band to notice. That’s why she looked so scared when I was with her in her room that day. She was crying. She was crying so hard, and I thought that it was because she wasn’t ready yet. But, it was because of what he did to her.
She begged. She practically begged for me to have sex with her, and now I know why. She wanted me to take away her pain, Make her forget. I’ve read about things like this before. Yeah. But, I didn’t help her, did I? I wasn’t there for her. Shit! I was the one who told him where we were that night. He knew we were in Seattle because I fucking told him!
It takes me a while, but when I finally manage to stumble back onto my feet, I unlock the door and see Rye standing over by the sink. Does he say anything to me? No, but I can see it in his eyes. He’s wishing that he didn’t start the conversation back in the bar just now. Well, in a way, I’m glad that he did. I wish I didn’t know what happened to her or why. Hell! I wish it hadn’t happened to her at all. If I could just go back and make it all go away, then I would, but I can’t.
I lower my head and break down again. All the things I did and said. She did want me. She did. Shit! Alexis. Rye heads right over and puts his arms around my shoulders, pulling me to him, and then I cry. I cry, and I keep crying until it becomes too painful too breathe.
“I need to go and talk to her,” I say, my voice strangled as I back away from him and head toward the door. “I need to see Alexis.”
“Wait! Brandon not yet!” He calls out to me, following me out into the hallway and back down through to the bar area. “You can’t go like this, bro. You’re not in any fit state to go anywhere.”
“She didn’t sleep with Neil, Rye! I accused of her sleeping with that fucking monster!” I swing around and shout right up in his face, my hands balled into tight fists by my sides. “I need to talk to her, Rye. I just need to talk to her.”
He nods his head in understanding while reaching into his pocket for his cell phone. “It’s Alyssa. Listen, go upstairs and sleep it off, alright? Come over to our place tomorrow and talk to her when you’ve sobered up.”
He’s right. I know he’s right, “Yeah. Yeah, tomorrow. First thing tomorrow morning.” I agree, and see the look of relief starting to cross over his face.
Once Rye makes his way out of the bar to head back home, I go to take a seat back up at the bar and order myself another drink. And, another. And, then another. I got it wrong, and tomorrow? Tomorrow is gonna be the day that I put things right.
Chapter Twenty- Seven
Well, I think I must’ve consumed a hell of a lot more alcohol last night than I’d initially thought or planned because, I swear, I don’t think I’ve ever felt this bad after a night drinking before.
I feel like some evil little gremlin has climbed inside my brain, and has started to throw shit around in there. It must’ve been the shots of tequila toward the end of the night. Now, those I do remember.
It takes a couple of moments for my eyes to adjust to the bright light that’s flooding into my room. Huh. I didn’t even close the drapes before I climbed into bed. From the way I’m feeling right now, I’m actually surprised that I managed to make it to bed in the goddamn first place.
Rubbing my eyes with the palms of my hands, I roll onto my side so I can check the time and … what in the hell?
If my mouth wasn’t feeling dry from being dehydrated before then it most definitely is now from seeing what’s … who’s lying beside me. No. No motherfucking way is that even possible. We wouldn’t have. I wouldn’t have. Oh fuck.
“Morning, handsome.” She reaches under the covers, and starts running her nails over my abs, a wide smile beaming over her face. I gulp as my eyes open up wide.
�
��Wha—? No. Please tell me we didn’t …” my voice is hoarse, I lift the blanket, and it’s in this very moment that my worst fear is confirmed. I’m naked. She’s naked. “Oh, fuck!” I jump straight out of bed, and grab a pair of boxer briefs from off of the floor. “We?” My head’s pounding even harder now, and I point my index finger, first to me, and then over to her, back and forth repeatedly. Though, this apparently amuses her, and she sits up, resting her chin in her hands as she allows her eyes to roam over me.
Stumbling from foot to foot, I pull on my shorts, and see her raising her eyebrows as she begins to laugh, “What? You thought we only came to bed to sleep?” When I go to pick up my shirt, that’s when I see them. My stomach rolls, and I seriously think I’m gonna hurl. One, no. Two, no. Three. Three empty condom wrappers are scattered across the floor beside my side of the bed. “So, I’ve got to tell you. That thing you do with your tongue is pretty amazing.” If I didn’t feel dirty before then I definitely do now.
“Y-You need to leave,” I say, and start grabbing her clothes up from around the room before tossing them on the bed, not once looking in her direction again as I walk toward the hallway. “You really need to get the fuck outta here!”
I rake my hands through my hair, and head straight into the bathroom, slamming the door closed behind me. Leaning over the sink, I run cold water into my hands, and throw it over my face while trying to control my breathing.
When I look in the mirror, memories from the night before filter into my mind, and it takes all of my willpower to not throw up right here in the sink.
Pressing her hard up against the wall. Teeth unclipping bra.
Fingers roaming over her breasts. On hands and knees. Her hands running over my dick.
Her on top. Moaning as I slip my fingers inside. Grasping her waist.
Her mouth around me. Tugging her hair. Ramming myself deep inside.
Misguided Truths: Part Two (Misjudged) Page 30