Ben smiled up at her, lines crinkling around his blue eyes. “A ride home, please?” he asked.
“For sure.” She gestured toward the seat next to her. If he could act as if things were normal between them, so could she.
He climbed up, settling on the seat, and Buck flicked an ear back in recognition of the extra weight.
“Komm, Buck, you remember me, ain’t so?”
Anna had to smile at his teasing. “He’s not used to having another person along on home visit days.” Anna snapped the lines, and Buck moved on.
“You’ve been doing most of them, seems like.” Ben shot a glance at her face. “Mamm’s all right, isn’t she?”
“Ach, ya, she’s fine. I think she feels having me take over more of the home visits might push folks into accepting me.”
Elizabeth hadn’t actually said so, but Anna could read her pretty well. After all, it had always been the understanding between them that Anna would take over more of the practice as Elizabeth wanted to slow down.
“How’s that working out?” Ben had a trick of lifting one eyebrow when he asked a question that always seemed to cause a little flutter in her heart.
Anna forced herself to concentrate. “Pretty well, I think. Etta Beachy even let me check out her daughter-in-law today. Reluctantly.”
He chuckled. “Sounds like Etta hasn’t changed much. Always has to have everything her way, ain’t so?”
Anna shrugged. “She wants the best for her first grandbaby.” And she didn’t think Anna was the best. She didn’t say that aloud, of course. And she certain sure didn’t confide the thing that was weighing on her.
Elizabeth seemed sure Dora’s baby wouldn’t arrive until the New Year, and she’d had plenty more experience than Anna had. But based on her examination today, Anna would have guessed a good week or two earlier.
She’d reminded Dora that babies could easily arrive two weeks early or two weeks late, just to have Etta pooh-pooh the notion that her grandson would show up any earlier than the date she’d determined, January 6, Old Christmas, which was her husband’s birthday.
Anna hadn’t felt up to taking on an argument about the baby’s sex, either. She sent Dora a meaningful glance, relieved to see a smile and a shrug in return. Maybe Dora wasn’t as cowed by her formidable mother-in-law as she’d thought.
Ben put his hands over hers on the lines, startling her, and she realized they’d nearly run right into the barn, buggy and all.
“Ach, sorry. I was woolgathering.” She looped the lines and scrambled down before Ben could offer to help her.
“Problems?” he said lightly, coming around to start the unharnessing.
“No, nothing at all.” She kept her head down, focusing on the job at hand.
“I see.” He patted the mare’s neck. “If you decide to talk to somebody, I know how to keep a secret. And I owe you.”
For an instant she was struck dumb. Was he talking about her not saying anything about his phone call? Or was that by way of being an apology to saying he loved her and then vanishing?
If she didn’t know, it was surely best to say nothing. She managed to glance at him with a smile. “Only a midwife’s menfolk would find it possible to talk about the birth of a boppli in mixed company.”
Ben grinned. “The rest of them pretend they don’t even notice a babe is coming until it is safe in its cradle.”
As Anna reached up to pull off the headstall, Ben grabbed it first. “You go in and warm up,” he said. “I’ve got this.”
“But you don’t know about Buck’s treat when he is unharnessed,” she said lightly. “You might make a mistake and try to give him a carrot.”
“He’s a fussy one, is he?” Ben pulled the harness free. “What is it? A sugar cube?”
“That’s right.” Anna held it on her palm, feeling Buck’s soft lips brushing her skin as he took the sugar.
“Spoiled thing,” Ben teased.
“A midwife’s buggy horse has to be ready for a lot of unexpected trips,” she said. “He works for his sugar.”
Anna led the gelding toward the paddock while Ben carried the harness to its rack. It was easy, it seemed, to get back to the kind of teasing conversation she’d once had with Ben. Too easy? She couldn’t risk falling for him all over again.
Opening the gate, she released the horse. Buck trotted a few steps and then stopped, lifting his head and sniffing the air.
Snow! Anna saw the first few flakes nearly as soon as the horse did. She tilted her head back, scanning the sky for more.
“What are you doing?” Ben had reached the gate without her noticing.
“Snow,” she said, unable to keep the glee from her voice.
Ben chuckled. “I’d near forgot that you’re like a kid when it snows.” A sudden breeze sent a cluster of snowflakes dancing across the paddock. Buck whinnied, pranced in place for a moment and then trotted around in a circle, head tossing.
Ben laughed. “Or maybe like the horse. Sure you don’t want to run around in a circle, too?”
“Nothing wrong with getting excited about the first snow.” She could hear the defensiveness in her voice.
Ben clasped her by the wrists, and she looked up at his face. “Nothing at all wrong,” he said gently. “I’m glad of it, Anna. Makes me feel like I could shed a few burdens and trot around, too.”
Still holding her wrists, he swung her around, his face lit with laughter. “We’ll both celebrate, ain’t so?”
Laughing, Anna swung around with him, face tilted back to feel the flakes on her skin, until she was breathless.
“Stop, stop.” She grabbed his forearms, feeling solid muscle under the layers of fabric. “What if someone saw us?”
“They’d think we were a bit ferhoodled.” He stopped, so suddenly she might have fallen if not for his strong hands holding hers.
For an instant they stood staring at each other, and she felt her heart turn over. Then he was stepping away. “We’d best get inside and get warmed up. Josh will be wanting to get the sleigh out if this keeps up.”
He sounded perfectly normal, as if he’d felt nothing at all in that moment when her heart had twisted.
Anna took a deep breath of cold air, knowing her cheeks were burning. So. She’d told herself she could get back to the way they’d been before the night she’d known she loved him. She’d been wrong. Their relationship was a lot more complicated than that.
* * *
“I’m telling you, Ben, this is going to be a great winter for snow. Grossdaadi says the woolly bear caterpillars predicted a real snowy winter. We have to get the sleigh ready.”
Grinning, Ben followed his younger brother up the ladder to the upper loft in the barn. In some ways Josh, despite his size, was still the little kid brother he’d always been.
“Okay, okay, I said I’d help you get the sleigh ready and I will. Just don’t blame me if it sits high and dry for half the winter.”
“It won’t,” Josh said confidently, scrambling the rest of the way into the loft and reaching back a gloved hand to tug Ben up beside him.
“There she is,” Josh said proudly. “Let’s get it uncovered and down to the barn floor.”
“Easier said than done.” Ben gave a mock grumble, but truth to tell, he’d have done something a lot harder to have this time to get reacquainted with his little brother.
Together they rigged up the sleigh to the hook used to move bales and lowered it to the floor. Josh was so eager to get at it that he would have tumbled down the ladder if not for Ben’s steadying hand.
“Take it easy. The sleigh’s not going anywhere.”
“I know.” Josh grinned. “Boy, it’s gut to have you home again.” He sobered, as if wondering whether that was the right thing to say.
Ben grip
ped his shoulder for a moment. “Me, too.” Regret swept over him. He’d let Josh down when he’d left, not even thinking of him. Dan and Joseph were enough older that Josh would never have confided in them. There seemed no end to the lives affected by his leaving.
Josh chattered as they worked on the sleigh, wiping away the dust that had accumulated over the summer and removing every speck of rust from the runners. “And besides, Anna loves to take the sleigh out. She’ll be surprised when she sees it’s ready. Anna does so much for everyone, I want to do something nice for her. She really is like a big sister to me.” He sent a sidelong glance at Ben, as if to see how he was taking that.
Ben figured the safest thing he could do was nod. Obviously everyone in the family would have been happy if he and Anna had married. He couldn’t marry to make other people happy, but given how strong an attraction she still had for him, maybe...
No maybes, he told himself. Whatever he did or didn’t do here, he couldn’t hurt Anna again.
“Anna says...” Josh paused, polishing vigorously at an already shining runner.
When he didn’t go on, Ben elbowed him. “Go ahead. What does Anna say?”
Josh rubbed even harder. “She says I should just tell you what I feel.”
What now? “Go ahead.” He braced himself.
“I guess Daad told you about his plans for the farm?”
“Ya, and it’s fine.” He hastened to assure him, hoping he sounded convincing. “You deserve it. I’m happy for you.”
“But that’s just it.” The words burst out of Josh. “I’m not happy. I don’t want it.” He clamped his lips shut and glanced around as if afraid someone had heard.
Ben felt a frown knotting his forehead. “But how can you not want a farm like this?”
“You say that because it’s your dream,” Josh said. “Just like it’s Daad’s. Nobody understands that I might want something different.”
Josh’s voice had risen, and Ben put his hand on the boy’s arm.
“Hey, it’s okay. Just tell me what you want.”
“What I always wanted. You know I always liked working with machines better than anything. I’m the one who fixed the generator when it stopped, remember? And I rebuilt that baler when everyone else gave up on it, too.”
He couldn’t help but be moved by the passion in Josh’s voice. “If you feel that way about it, won’t Daad understand?”
“I tried. He just doesn’t see. He thinks it’s fair that I have the farm, and he won’t change his mind.” Josh turned his face away, obviously not wanting anyone to see his emotion.
Here was something else to be laid to his account, it seemed. But what could he do? A look at his brother forced a decision. He had to make this right for Josh, somehow.
He grasped his brother by the shoulders and shook him gently. “Listen, we’ll work it out somehow. Let me think on it, okay? There must be a way.”
“Denke, Ben.” Josh’s expression lightened. “Anna said I should talk to you, and she was right. She always seems to understand.”
In other words, Anna had been trying to fill the gap he’d left in his little brother’s life. He wanted to resent it, but he couldn’t. Anna had paid him a compliment, in a way. She’d trusted he’d find a way to make this right for Josh. He just hoped her faith wasn’t mistaken.
Chapter Four
Anna sliced through the dough on the cutting board, turning out the homemade noodle squares that Elizabeth would drop into her chicken potpie. They’d been able to come home early today, with few people venturing out into the snow.
Trying to keep her mind on Elizabeth’s voice wasn’t easy when her thoughts were completely absorbed by those moments with Ben out by the paddock the previous day. His laughing face as he’d spun her around had even intruded into her dreams. There, she’d been spinning faster and faster until she flew against him and his arms closed around her.
She had to stop this, now. Benjamin had been so frightened at the thought of marrying her that he’d left his whole world behind. It was hardly likely his feelings had changed now.
“I said, it’s a gut thing no one is due today or tomorrow,” Elizabeth said...or rather, repeated, since it was apparent that Anna hadn’t heard her before.
Focus, Anna ordered herself. “That’s certain sure. We don’t need any women in labor bouncing around trying to get here through the snow.”
Once the snow had decided to start, it hadn’t let up, and there was four inches at least on the ground. They’d have a quiet time of it until the roads were clear, and it always took some time for the township plows to arrive.
Anna rubbed her forehead with the back of her hand, trying not to touch anything with her floury fingers. Unless she wanted to go around in a constant state of confusion, she’d have to find a way to show Ben that she didn’t harbor any lingering feelings for him. Then they could be comfortable together, couldn’t they?
“Komm, Anna, tell me what has your forehead so tight? That’s the third time you’ve rubbed it in the past half hour.” Elizabeth stirred down the chicken broth that had come to a boil. “I know when you’re worried.”
But she’d never guess the cause of Anna’s worry, and Anna didn’t dare tell her. “Ach, it’s nothing. I was just thinking about Dora Beachy. I’m concerned that boppli might be arriving sooner than anyone expects.”
“Ya?” Elizabeth turned to her instantly. “Did you say anything to her?”
“I didn’t like to, since she’s really your patient. I did remind them that babies can arrive two weeks early or two weeks late and still be normal.”
Elizabeth nodded approval. “That was the smart thing to say. Of course, a first baby is more likely to be late than early.”
“I know.” But still, she was troubled. What if they didn’t send for help in time?
“Tell you what,” Elizabeth said, seeming to read her thoughts. “I’ll stop over next week and check on Dora. That will make everyone feel better, ain’t so?”
Anna let out a breath of relief. “I’d be so glad. Maybe I’m...”
Before she could finish the thought, they were interrupted by the soft sound of hooves on snow and the jingle of harness bells. Together they rushed to the back porch to find Josh and Benjamin grinning at them from the high seat of the sleigh. Ben held the lines, while Josh jiggled a strap of tiny bells.
“So that’s what you two boys have been up to all afternoon.” Elizabeth smiled fondly at her sons. “I should have known.”
“Get your coats on, you two. We’re going to take you for a ride.” Josh jumped down to hustle them along. “Hurry up. You first, Mamm.”
“Ach, I’m too old for such foolishness,” Elizabeth protested, but halfheartedly.
“Never,” Anna exclaimed, rushing to retrieve their coats and mittens.
Since the sleigh was a two-seater, Josh took his mother up beside him to the accompaniment of a string of warnings from his daad, who came out of the barn to join the fun. They went sliding off down the snow-covered lane, the snow muffling the sound of the horse’s hooves.
“Don’t worry, Daad.” Ben stamped snow from his feet. “He’ll be careful with Mamm.”
“When you boys start playing around with the sleigh, you forget all about being careful,” Asa said, but he was smiling as he watched. “Mind you don’t go speeding when you take Anna.”
It hadn’t occurred to Anna that logically Ben would take her for a ride since Josh had done the first trip. She was still trying to find a way to get out of it when the sleigh came sweeping back, Elizabeth laughing like a girl. Before Anna knew what was happening, she’d been bundled up onto the seat beside Ben.
He shot her a mischievous grin. “We’ll show them how it’s done, ain’t so?”
“You heard your daad,” she began, then gave it up
as Ben guided the sleigh in a broad circle and she had to grasp the side rail to keep from sliding right off the seat.
Ben sent the gelding off toward the woods at a brisk pace, and she held tightly.
“We’re not racing, are we?” She tried to sound stern, but the question came out on a giggle. She couldn’t help it—it was so exhilarating to fly noiselessly over the snow, the breeze sending flakes to dust her coat and melt against her skin.
“Fun, ain’t so?” Ben smiled at her again, and her heart seemed to flip in her chest.
“You might say you did this for Joshua’s sake, but we all know better. You wanted to play in the snow as much as he did.”
“You’re just the same. Remember how excited you got yesterday at the first flakes?” His voice was low and teasing, and Anna had to struggle not to meet his eyes.
“I confess. We’re all kids about something, ain’t so?”
Ben nodded, but for some reason the words seemed to set up a more serious line of thought for him. They’d nearly reached the woods, where the farm lane ended, and he drew the buggy to a stop.
With the snow muffling every sound, Anna felt as if they were alone in the world. She had to say something.
“The...the hemlocks are beautiful in the snow. Look how it’s bending the branches down. It’s as if they’re...”
“Anna.” His voice was low, but it halted her foolish chatter in an instant. “There’s something I must say to you. I’ve owed you an apology for three years, and I haven’t been able to find the words to tell you how sorry I am.”
“Don’t, Ben. Don’t.” She put out her hand to stop him and then realized it was much safer not to touch him. But she saw, quite suddenly, what she must say to ease the tension between them.
“It worked out for the best, ain’t so? I don’t mean you going away, but the fact that we didn’t get together.” Anna took a breath of cold air and forced herself to go on. “Moonlight and kisses don’t make a solid basis for marriage. We’re such completely different people now.”
Her throat was getting so tight that she didn’t think she could say anything more, but maybe that was enough. She risked a glance at Ben’s face, but his somber expression didn’t tell her anything.
Amish Christmas Blessings: The Midwife's Christmas Surprise/A Christmas to Remember Page 3